When I was talking to Brennan Saturday night and he asked about how my head's been, and I told him that things were the same but that I was going back to the doctor this Wednesday (now tomorrow), he asked me if I was excited about it.
I had to be honest with him - I didn't think I could call what I was feeling excitement. I have a hard time getting excited about any new doctor appointments or possibilities or chances anymore. Not because I doubt God's ability to heal me, that's not it in the least, but because I find it nearly impossible to convince myself something big is going to happen and I hate getting my hopes up for nothing.
Here's the weird thing. The old me would have said what I just did and meant it as a recognition of defeat; this me says it as a sign of acceptance. I've said this from the beginning, and I find myself meaning it more and more every day - if this is the story God has written for me, if this is how He wants to use my life to show His glory and goodness, then I don't want it to change. I wasn't able to put all of this into words regarding this particular doctor appointment until late last night when I was up listening to Pastor Chris's latest sermon titled "When a Father Says No." In it, Chris spends a lot of time talking about the prayer that Jesus prayed when he was pleading with God that there might be a way for him to avoid going to the cross.
"Abba Father, all things are possible for You. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what You will."
YES. That is exactly where I am at. I have not stopped asking God to heal me because I know full well that His capabilities are endless, and I do want to be healed. But what I don't want is to be the one calling the shots here. I don't have the full picture, but He does. I only want this healing to come if it's His will. And I promise you this, I lost the ability a long time ago to put up a facade when it comes to my faith; I wouldn't be able to write those words, let alone say them to anyone, if I didn't mean them.
I am not in control, and for the first time in my life, I am totally okay with that. I want my life to follow His will for me, not my own. I know that if God doesn't heal me, He's got something so awesome in store I couldn't even dream it up.