Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Truth Is

When people know things are rough for you simply because your blog posts are very brief and much shorter than usual, you know it's bad.

Truth is, I haven't had much to say.

My days are the same. Either I'm at work, or I'm stuck in this house, and I'm always dealing with severe pain.  But I don't want this blog to become one long record of complaints about how much this pain sucks because I know the blessings that God has bestowed upon me far outweigh the physical pain I endure.

I guess it's about finding a balance between the fact that I don't want to pretend like things are fine/better when they aren't, but I also don't want anyone who may come across this blog to think that I'm the kind of girl who just focuses on the negative.  Anyone who knows me knows I'm not that girl.

But the truth is, I'm also kind of afraid that if I start talking about the pain I'm dealing with and talk about how rough it is, I won't be able to stop.  Like opening up Pandora's box, I'm scared that if I start on the subject, I'll lose focus of the God that carries me through every day and drift away from this wonderful place spiritually that I have fought so hard to get to.  I can't let that happen.

I've always been that girl who doesn't like to talk about her issues to avoid people feeling sorry for her.  Now it's not so much that I'm worried about other people feeling sorry for me as it is that I'm worried about feeling sorry for myself.  I don't want to go there, either.

So yeah...that's why my posts have been random and short.  I'm just counting the days until my doctor's appointment, biding time while I try and figure out what God has next for me.  I'm learning how to live a life that involves chronic pain without living a life that is solely about that pain.  None of this makes sense to me, but it doesn't have to.  I'm not the poet, just the poem.

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