Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Somehow I always manage to screw myself over.

It's been a hellacious 24 hours.

And no, for once this has nothing to do with my family.

Matt and I...well, let's just say I nearly totally blew up my relationship with him.  Things are fine now, as far as he says, but it still scared the hell out of me.

I don't think he understands just how important he is to me.  I mean, I tell him all about how things are with my family, but basically what happened is I got too clingy for his liking and he got fed up with me.  Which, I realized, in retrospect, and tried to damage control when I realized he was already irritated.  I then proceeded to completely freak out at 2:30 am and cry myself to sleep for two hours only to wake up to a text that said "Who said I was mad? Nobody. You assumed I was."  So he swore he wasn't mad and that I was working myself up over something that wasn't there.

I just don't think he gets it.  I don't think he gets how alone I feel, how I cling to him because lately he's been the only person that remotely seems to give a damn about me.  When I told him that, he said "I doubt it", but that's how I feel, and I'm not going to apologize for that!  I wonder if he's forgotten how different things will be when I can get back to school.  I'm not so needy and intense when I'm there because I'm away from these people.

Losing him is #2 on my list of Worst Nightmares (behind losing Mom), and last night I honest to God felt like it was coming true because for someone who later told me he wasn't mad or annoyed, he certainly was acting like it.  Having anyone be mad at me makes me sick, but he's different.  I don't have to explain why he's different.

I have to calm the hell down.  I have to, or next time I may not be able to fix things.  This is the one time in all the times people have had this kind of conversation with me and told me I screwed up that I actually know in my gut they're right.  I did screw up. 

I think the reason I'm so intense with him isn't because I'm in love with him.  It's because I'm still so terrified of getting hurt.  The logical part of me knows he'd never intentionally hurt me, we've been over that a thousand times, but part of me is still that scared little girl who's been stabbed in the back one too many times.  And just like your textbook case, when I get terrified, I try to get out of it myself before I can get hurt.  Except the difference is I know I really don't want out of this!

Sometimes I wish I could just shut off my emotions and deal with things like he does.  Of course, then, I probably wouldn't be a girl, but you know what I mean.

I just need to get over this.  He says "everything is good" so why am I still all nauseous about it?  I'll just leave him alone for a couple days because he warned me that he's busy, and then pretend like all is back to normal.  I mean, that's all I can do.



  1. Just a word to the wise here...coming from a girl with a few years on you...
    when you put ALL of your hopes, dreams, dependency, on one person, you WILL get crushed and inevitably disappointed...it is a guarantee.
    Once you find that within yourself, it will help your relationship with Matt. I promise.

  2. I agree with "Greengirl" - I am in the same situation & realized that I needed to find the "me" & be happy. I wish you nothing but happiness.

    Stopping by from Jenna's Journey.