“Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be.” - from The Princess Diaries
This is the end of a chapter for me.
There will be no more feeling sorry for myself about people who treat me poorly. There will be no more being angry that I have a never-ending list of medical issues. There will be no more worrying about the state of my family, because I've come to the point where I've realized I can't do anything about what my mom or Chelsea may think or do, and all I get at the end of it is feeling sick.
This Type A fighter personality is finally letting go of all the control that I've been trying to hold onto when I feel my world crumbling around me. A dear, dear friend of mine sent me an email that gave me clarity about why this is really happening.
"As for the medical issues, they're being used in a spiritual attack against you -- the enemy knows that this is a part of how you see yourself, of your identity, he knows that as long as he keeps you distracted by your health issues, you will be his captive, living the life of a victim rather than trusting fully in Christ's control over your body and your life. The enemy knows that you have always received attention for your medical issues and that you crave attention, so as long as he can keep you distracted by health issues, he's able to keep you distracted from the only one who can make you feel paid attention to, heard, and whole.... he's using that against you. Kick him right where his sun will never shine, love -- embrace life with gratitude, do not put any emphasis on your medical issues or put any weight on them, do not give in to fear, worry and anger, avoid anything that brings attention to it from your mom, blog readers, friends, family, anyone, and he will lose ground. Medical issues will still happen, life keeps happening... he just won't be able to use them against you."
Satan is going full force in his attack to try and knock me down and keep me there. I'm done giving him the attention he wants. I'm done giving him what he's looking for. When I am sad, he wins. When I am angry, he wins. When I am stressed, he wins. I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but I really don't like losing. ;)
I am not my sicknesses. I am not my depression. I am not my anger. What I am is a girl who loves deeply every single person she interacts with. I am a girl who is finally realizing she can not be defined as anything but a daughter of the King who reigns over all. I can no longer be defined by my life story because my story can make me appear to be a victim, and I'm the opposite. I am a survivor, and the only reason I am a survivor is because I have the strength of the One who knows my every thought, action, and intent, the One who can defeat any enemy all by Himself, backing me up.
I've been selfish. My life is not supposed to be about me. It was never about me. It is about how God can use me and my life, all that it entails, to show others how great He really is, what he can fix. I am nothing but a vessel. A vessel who, without Him, is nothing but a pile of ashes, but through Him, will be made beautiful and perfect and whole. A vessel for His perfect love, the story of what He wants for each and every one of his children - to shine His light, to love Him, to be in this world and not of it, and to chase Him with reckless abandon.
Those are my goals for the rest of however many days God has deemed I have to live on this earth.