That's why I cling to Matt. Because I'm desperate to feel like someone hears me, to feel like I matter to someone in this world. And lately he's been the only one who's given me even a bit of that feeling.
I just want someone to
Deep down, I'm still the little girl who grew up without a dad and is still reeling from the "daddy issues". I've never had a man, not even uncles or grandfathers, around to show me how I really deserve to be treated or to protect me from guys who only paid attention to me so they could abuse me. I fall too hard too quickly for all the wrong people because I just want to be loved. I know, I know, every girl wants that. But as hard as it is for the average teenage girl growing up and getting used to relationships, I am so much more unprepared for this because of losing my dad. Add into that my self-esteem issues and the fact that my entire life I've been a target for bullies, and I feel so terribly unheard by everyone.
I know my mom loves me, I've never doubted that. But for some time now, it has felt like I'm only allowed to really need her if it's a medical issue. Like she just can't deal with me any other time because she's so stressed out. And I get that, but I'm still growing up and sometimes I just need my mom. I get so frustrated not being able to show my emotions because I have to be the one who is "okay" all the time.
I hope and think things will be different when I get back to school because I do have people there now who will be there for me, but right now, I feel like I'm being suffocated. I thought Matt was here for me, to listen to me about all of this, but he is a guy. Something is changing between us, and it's been made abundantly clear that I can't rely on that/him anymore. All I can rely on is God and myself, my heart, my soul, my knowledge of who I really am and what really matters.