Friday, July 8, 2011

Here's the real, unedited truth.

I feel like no one hears me

That's why I cling to Matt.  Because I'm desperate to feel like someone hears me, to feel like I matter to someone in this world.  And lately he's been the only one who's given me even a bit of that feeling.

I just want someone to tell show me that I really matter to them.  I talk a big talk about how I'm totally happy without a boyfriend, and part of me is.  But part of me sees all the girls I know around my age who have boyfriends and get treated like queens and just wants to be loved like them.

Deep down, I'm still the little girl who grew up without a dad and is still reeling from the "daddy issues".  I've never had a man, not even uncles or grandfathers, around to show me how I really deserve to be treated or to protect me from guys who only paid attention to me so they could abuse me.  I fall too hard too quickly for all the wrong people because I just want to be loved.  I know, I know, every girl wants that.  But as hard as it is for the average teenage girl growing up and getting used to relationships, I am so much more unprepared for this because of losing my dad.  Add into that my self-esteem issues and the fact that my entire life I've been a target for bullies, and I feel so terribly unheard by everyone

I know my mom loves me, I've never doubted that.  But for some time now, it has felt like I'm only allowed to really need her if it's a medical issue.  Like she just can't deal with me any other time because she's so stressed out.  And I get that, but I'm still growing up and sometimes I just need my mom.  I get so frustrated not being able to show my emotions because I have to be the one who is "okay" all the time. 

I hope and think things will be different when I get back to school because I do have people there now who will be there for me, but right now, I feel like I'm being suffocated.  I thought Matt was here for me, to listen to me about all of this, but he is a guy.  Something is changing between us, and it's been made abundantly clear that I can't rely on that/him anymore.  All I can rely on is God and myself, my heart, my soul, my knowledge of who I really am and what really matters.


  1. HUGS sweet one. I so understand. I can tell you though that even a boyfriend won't make that sting go away or fill that place that aches.

    Love you.

  2. Wife is very wise - the best guy in the world isn't going to meet that need. Just lately I've been feeling the same way - needing someone to talk to about "girl" stuff - things my husband would just humor me about. I don't really have that close girlfriend for those kinds of talks. So, that being said, I think that school will DEFINITELY be better because you have folks like that there. Hang on!

  3. Oh, Mallory, I too see other girls with boyfriends, and wonder "why not me? why has no guy ever liked me that way?" And while I know what Wife of a Rockstar said is true, there's still a very great part of me that wants a boyfriend very badly. And there's another part of me that says that I'm fine without one, and know that He is the only One I need.
    There are many times when I read your blog and think that you have written something that could be about me.

    I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your summer!