Tired. Just tired.

Agh.

Well, today is done.

Basically.

I think I'm going to update my to-do list (because turns out I forgot a test, of course) and try the Human Diversity test at least once, depending on how well I do.

I'm exhausted, but not nearly as nauseous so there's a plus.

Nope.  Just tired.

Oh, and did I mention we're having voter suppression issues and the Board of Elections is now trying to nullify every voter registration we've done?  Even Louis got turned away at the polls.  Yeah.  It's fun.  That means we have to try and make sure 200+ people get re-registered and early vote at the one stop voting by Saturday.

Just what we needed.  This means I have to work a table every minute Friday that I'm not in class.

I'd really like to just fast forward a week.  A week from now is where I won't have 5 tests in 5 school days hanging over my head, or the threat of the egotistical CRs making my life hell should Romney win.  I'd just like it to be over.

Can you tell how tired I am?  Because I am.  I am just tired.

Okay, enough whining.  Back to work.

Bad timing, universe.

You couldn't have waited for me to get through 4 tests in 4 days and the election before making me feel this awful?  Seriously?

So, uh, yeah.

Today.

I ate.

I went to class.

I did a little homework.

I got sick.

I slept for like four hours.

I took a shower.

And now I've got to get two essays ready for tomorrow before I can go back to bed.

Can it be next Wednesday already, please?

Strong enough for the both of us.

If it's not one thing, it's something else.

Apparently the Dilaudid is now screwing up my whole GI system.  Sorry if this is TMI, but I went from...uh, backed up...to having to eat ice cream to rectify the problem.  Now, I would normally be happy for any excuse to eat ice cream, but that and taking every bit of Phenergan I'm allowed to hasn't stopped the constant feeling that I'm going to puke my guts out at any and every second.

And Election Day is 8 days away, meaning there is TONS of stuff that has to be done to get as many Democrats as possible to the polls.  I have to help Louis as much as I can on top of all of this.

I have so much school stuff to do on top of everything.  Here's everything that has to be done between now and next Monday.

Comparative Foreign Government: Read Russia Chapter 11, Read China Chapter 13, complete the outline for my term paper by Friday
Municipal Government: prepare two essays for the test I have to makeup on Wednesday, write my 8th two-page paper
Human Diversity: Italian American history powerpoint, 5-7 page paper that goes along with it (by next Thursday, thankfully, but I need to get it done ASAP), figure out presentation plan with my group partners, Assignment #5 - a three page essay, test by Sunday online
French Lit: study for Friday's test
French History: study for Monday's test
finish my application for the State Department by Friday

I think that's it...but it's probably not.  I've been in a Dilaudid/Phenergan haze for a week now, so needless to say, things slip my mind.  That's also probably why I'm not completely freaking out.  I'm too exhausted.

Plus, I have a church thing tomorrow night, plus calling two hundred people, plus figuring out when I myself am going to go vote.  Ugh, this is not the time for me to feel this awful.

On the upside, my head is getting better day by day.  I have hope that one day soon I will actually wake up in the morning and my head WON'T hurt.  That hasn't happened since September 23rd.  Hope is all I've got because I've, needless to say, resigned myself to the fact that there's nothing I can do to deal with the pain and stress on my own.  I need God.  Maybe that's why I'm so calm?  A dear, dear friend of mine said in an email she felt bad for not having been here for me, but I told her, there was really nothing for her to "be here for me" about.  I guess this is what it feels like to rely on God?!

So yeah, that's where I am.  I'm accepting more and more every day the fact that I can't handle all of this by myself.  God-given strength is the only way I'm going to get everything I need to get done done.

It's a good thing He's pretty awesome at coming through when I give in and admit how much I need Him. :)

This is a song that Taylor sent to me via Twitter while I was sitting in Duke on Tuesday.  It's what I'm holding onto right now.  God is good.  He's strong enough to keep me moving forward, strong enough to help me get all my work done, strong enough to keep me filled with hope.

He's got this.  He's got me.  It's because of Him that I don't have to be afraid or worried or stressed about any of this.  I don't know about you, but that's an incredibly comforting feeling when things are as complicated as they are right now.

"Strong Enough" by Matthew West

Another Happy Sunday

I love my church.

It's so nice to wake up at 8 am on a Sunday morning and actually be excited about it because it means that I get to go back to that beautiful place.

From the second I walked in, people were asking how I was doing because Elizabeth had clued them all in as to why I wasn't at Small Group on Tuesday.

The music was amazing.  This time the songs were ones I'd never heard before but really touched me.  The four guys who do the music every Sunday are so nice and so talented.  I really appreciate all the effort they put in for the service each week, and the fact that the songs aren't just old hymns.

I really feel like I'm making family there, which is so nice.  There was a lady named Janelle who gave a bit of her testimony today, and after the service, I was able to just go up and hug her and say thank you.  Every single person there has made me feel like I belong, like I've always been there just like everyone else, not like I just showed up 3 weeks ago.

After Janelle spoke, Sean gave this really powerful message about the difference between sacrifice and obedience.  I definitely felt moved by it, but I'm not quite sure what God is going to do with it and with me regarding it yet.  I guess that's where the fun lies.  Whatever it is, it's going to be good.

Then, I came back and called Duke, and according to them, the staph infection that showed up in my blood at Betsy Johnson was a contaminant in the lab, because the two cultures they've been watching in the lab since Tuesday are clean, so no infection and no trip back to the hospital.  Yay for that! :)  I am so grateful for God's faithfulness in my life and in my health.  Combine that with the fact that I feel like I'm showing even more response to the steroid for my head, and I'd say I'm officially on the mend.  Good, because with all of this catching up to do and the election in a little over a week, I need to be on top of my game.

I tried to do some reading after I took a shower, but then my headache got way worse, and I fell asleep at 5:30.  I'm only awake right now because I'm watching Revenge.  I'm going to eat something, finish the episode, and go back to sleep.  Sounds like a good Sunday to me.

This is one of the songs I learned today.  Catchy, yes, but it's so deep, even with such simple lyrics.  It's the prayer I have for my life.  I want all of this to be His.

Sending my prayers to all those in the path of Hurricane Sandy.  It's weird, there being a hurricane coming at the East coast and the South NOT being its primary target.

Keep Your Head Up

How is it that I can work basically all day and, after midnight, feel like I've barely made a dent in my to-do list?  Sigh.  That's just so frustrating.  It'll get done, though; it always does.  I feel like Dory in Finding Nemo "Just keep working, just keep working, just keep working."

Yeah...don't ask me how my mind works the way it does.

Add to that the fact that NC State lost to the Tarheels today, which ended our 5-year football streak, and the probable rainstorm coming from Hurricane Sandy, and it's all just sort of a blah day today.

On the upside, tomorrow is Sunday which means I get to spend the morning at church, and even better, the pain in my head finally seems to be responding a little bit to the steroid.  Here's hoping it only gets better from here.

So, in summation, lots of homework, an exciting (albeit disappointing) football game, laundry, and a headache.  Sounds like a pretty normal Saturday to me.

I'm really, really praying everything keeps moving in the right direction.  I'm gonna need all the help from God that I can get in order to get all of this work done.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

This is a song that Kyla recommended to me on Tuesday, after Taylor recommended it to her.  It's not my usual style, but I really like it.  It's one song I've been playing repeatedly this week.  It's a good reminder - keep your head up, and keep your heart strong.

It's a good thing I'm a night owl.

Because otherwise, the six-hour nap I took this afternoon would have really screwed up my plans to tackle my giant to-do list.

Yeah...blame the Dilaudid, and the fact that I still have a raging headache.

The good news is that I made it through French Lit and Comparative Foreign Government and actively participated.  And since Dr. Thornton has known all week what's been going on, he cut me some slack and didn't hurt my grade for not having my outline for my term paper done today.  As he said, "lots of people won't have it today, and none of them have as good of an excuse as you."  Ha!  Gotta love college.

I have a TON of work to do over the next few days for classes, plus finishing my application for the internship with the State Department that is due on Friday.  I think I'm just going to try to get the French History stuff done and then go to bed so my sleeping schedule doesn't get totally out of whack.

Oh, highlight of my day:  Danny, one of the guys I met in Nashville, sent me the EP from his band, Wetherby, last Friday, but with all of the hospital craziness this week, I didn't remember or get a chance to go to the Post Office until this morning, and I put it in as soon as I got back to my room after French Lit this morning.  It is SO good!  Seriously.  I know some ridiculously talented people.  He's so nice for sending it to me for free, and it's only that much better for me because music is pretty much my love language.  (And side note:  He and Phoebe got engaged on Monday! Awwww. Now I really have to find a way to get back to Nashville, so I can go to the wedding! :D)  I also realized that all of the people who have been checking on me the most this week are people who are 550+ miles away in Tennessee.  God is really good at making it impossible for me to forget how loved I am or how many people are cheering me on.

Here's the song off the EP that's been on repeat most of the day today.  And Phoebe actually does some background vocals on it.  I love it.


Okay, I better go get some of this work done so I can go to bed...errr, uhhh, back to bed.

Hey, don't judge.  Most people who take Dilaudid would be in a comatose state.  It's a miracle I made it to classes at all yesterday and today.

Evidence of God's faithfulness continues.

#1: I can turn my head without cringing.  First time since Sunday morning that's happened.

#2: I went to class today. I only have one class today, so I didn't wear myself out.

#3: I was able to stay awake, be attentive, and participate in that class despite having Dilaudid coursing through my system.  God bless the ER doctor who agreed to write me a prescription for it despite the fact she doesn't normally like to do it.  (And as an aside, funny story, one of the very cute ER nurses, his name was Will, came in with my first dose of IV Dilaudid and he asked me if I'd ever had 2 mg of it before.  I replied that, oh yes, it's my go-to drug, pretty much the only drug I get in dire circumstances such as that anymore and I always ask for 2 mg because 1 mg doesn't do a whole lot, and that I've actually had 3 mg before.  He replied, "Yeah...I'd be dead." And then called me hardcore. Ha!)

#4: Several people texted to check on me, never letting me forget how much they love me.  Ryann, preparing to leave for tournament tomorrow, wanted to know if there was anything I needed her to do.  I am amazed at how much the people in my life love me.

#5: That Dilaudid is helping me sleep a lot, something I don't think I'd be doing if I didn't have it because of the pain.

#6: I had a meeting with Dr. Mero this afternoon.  Tomorrow there's supposed to be our midterm exam covering an entire ten-chapter book, the test will consist of two essays, and a two-page paper due.  I called him yesterday morning and left a voicemail explaining what had happened, so he knew why I wasn't in class yesterday.  But since I was able to get up and go to class, I decided to go by his office and see if he'd cut me some slack on the exam/paper because all I've done is sleep since I got back from Duke Tuesday night.  He said of course, he would, told me to get him the paper whenever I could get it done, and agreed to let me make up the test Wednesday after class, giving me ample time to prepare it.  I said, "So I shouldn't even bother coming to class tomorrow," and he immediately replied, "No, sleep.  Seriously.  Sleep."

#7: I've barely thought about the blood tests I'm waiting on today, and when I did think about them, I wasn't scared or nervous or anxious.  Maybe I'm in denial and forcing myself to be positive, but I really feel like God is telling me they're going to be clean.  Which then, of course, means no one knows why I'm in this much pain for so long, but still.  I have PEACE.

I think I'll stop with 7.  That's God's perfect number, His sign of completion.  All things considering, today was a good day.

Today

Today is pretty easy to recap.

Sleep.

Phone calls.

A trip to the pharmacy.

And more sleep.

I tried to get up and go to class but just couldn't because of the pain, but I called all of my professors.  I left a message with Dr. Mero, Dr. Steegar already knew because I emailed him yesterday morning, and Dr. Thornton was actually there in his office at 7:20 which surprised me but was of course very, very understanding, told me not to worry about anything for his class and we'd take care of it once I got my health under control.  I love Dr. Thornton.  He's such a nice man, such a helpful adviser, an amazing teacher whose classes I love when most people think he's too hard, and I get along so well with him.  He's seen me go through a lot since the fall of 2009, and I know how much he respects me.

So yeah, I waited up until my neurologist's phones turned on, called them and told them I gave them the wrong number for the pharmacy yesterday, gave them the right number and they said they'd call it in.  I went back to sleep until 11:30 when I got up and ate lunch because I needed to get some food in me with these meds, and texted Elizabeth who said she'd take me to the pharmacy tonight after work, then I went back to sleep.  I started getting texts and phone calls from a bunch of different people (Ryann, Kyla, Taylor, Phoebe, my grandma, etc) around 1:30 checking on me, so I answered them, then decided to call the pharmacy to make sure the steroid got called in.  It didn't, so I had to call my neurologist again, and then found out that they thought the number I gave them was the fax number (even though I said it was a phone number), and they rectified it and promised to have a nurse call it in immediately.  And they did.  CVS called me about 3:30 and told me it was ready.

I lounged/rested until Elizabeth called and told me she was on the way, and literally went to the pharmacy in my pajamas (t shirt and pants) and a hoodie.  I've never gone out in public like that before, but I honestly didn't even care.

Now that I have the steroid, I'm going to try my best to make it to Human Diversity tomorrow.  Thankfully, it's the only class I have.

I'm so thankful for modern medicine, and the support system that I have in my life.  I am blessed with some amazing people all around me (even across state lines!) and I am so, so thankful for their love.  Focusing on blessings like them is something that definitely helps me keep my head up.

On to tomorrow.  Another day forward.  Here's to hoping for less pain.

Monday and Tuesday

Monday was mostly an average day.  The only problem was that instead of my usual headache, one where the pain fluctuates in intensity, since Saturday, it had just been getting harder....and harder...and harder...until I was sitting in Geography class Monday night and started crying.

Y'all know me.  I do not cry over a headache.

I get out of Geography and call Mom because the last time the pain was this bad was when I had the staph meningitis in October 2009.  No, I'm not kidding.  She told me to call Duke.  I called Duke.  Duke told me to go up there, especially considering I hadn't had my shunt looked at in a couple years.

So, I'm in my room, I call Kayleigh.  She's the RA that was on duty because it was Monday.  Poor girl, had to deal with me needing paramedics two Mondays in a row.  The paramedics got there, checked me out, and then we had to wait for a transport truck to get me to Duke.  (Regular ambulances can't leave the county.  Only transport trucks can, they're basically long-distance ambulances.)  It felt like a replay of the night I had staph meningitis, honestly.  The transport truck, the paramedic treating me like I was a hypochondriac...it was kinda freaky.

Anyway, I got to Duke at 9:30 pm on the dot.  Holly was sleeping because it was her night off, but I was fine being alone.  I went through typical triage and got an EKG because my heart was racing even though I was breathing normally, but it came back normal and they just said it was because of the pain.  They told me I had to go to the waiting room for a bit.  This is where the night got hellacious.

I sat in the ER waiting room for six hours and fifteen minutes.  Most of the time, I was in tears.  I have never been in Duke's ER that backed up before.  One lady I talked to said she checked in at 2:30 pm and she didn't get called back until after midnight.  Apparently I picked the worst day in the world to need Duke. I was texting Mom and Holly all night, and Mom got so pissed off that she started calling the neurosurgery resident on call and basically yelled at her until they ordered me a CT scan and shunt series about 12:30 am.  Yay progress...except for the fact that after those tests, they sent me back out to the waiting room still in tears, no pain meds, and I didn't get the results.

I FINALLY got in a bed in the ER at 3:45 am.  The nurses and doctors were very sweet and very sympathetic and got me Dilaudid as soon as they could, but it was still 4:30 am before I got the medicine.  They did neurological exams to make sure that I hadn't had a stroke, and kept coming in and out asking me questions and setting up fluids and whatnot.  So I didn't sleep.  The Dilaudid helped me relax, but I wasn't sleeping.  Somewhere in the 7:00 hour, a doctor came in and told me the first scans were normal so they were ordering a shunt flow test.  They kept me doped up on Dilaudid and Phenergan until then, and I still don't know how I didn't sleep.  It was weird, it was like I knew everything that was going on, and my eyes were open, but I wasn't thinking or talking or doing anything, I was just laying there...it was bizarre.

Around 8:30, I got taken to Nuclear Medicine for the shunt flow test.  Basically, they stick a giant needle into the pump of my shunt, draw out some spinal fluid to test for infection, inject radioactive dye into my shunt and take pictures of it, then wait 20-25 minutes and take more pictures.  It took over an hour and hurt really bad because there was a lot of pushing and pressing and stuff right on my shunt/head.  By the time I got back to my ER room, I was almost in tears again, so the doctor ordered me this mix of Benadryl (because apparently I now react to Dilaudid, the only painkiller that works on me. awesome), Reglan (another painkiller), and caffeine.  They said every patient they give this to is healed of their pain....it did almost nothing for me.

So I lay there and ACTUALLY SLEPT A LITTLE (Hallelujah and Praise the Lord), and just after noon I get a text from Mom.  She says she just got a certified letter in the mail from Betsy Johnson (the local ER near Campbell that I went to last week for the stomach virus) saying that the blood they drew tested positive for MRSA (the medicine resistant staph that I am a carrier for).  So she demanded that Duke draw some blood.  The Betsy Johnson ER only drew from one site, so they said that it could've just been contaminated in the lab, so Duke said they'd draw from two sites to be sure.  But there was no MRSA in my spinal fluid, so that was good.  That's the "unanswered question" I'm waiting on.  Blood cultures take a few days to grow, so if there is MRSA in my blood, it won't show up until Friday or so.  They'll call me whenever they know, and if it's positive, I'll be back in the hospital.  Prayers for no infection would be great.  I need to finish this semester on time.

Well, long story short, they insisted on discharging me since it'll take days for the blood test to come back.  I spent all afternoon on the phone with my neurologist in Raleigh, who couldn't see me but was going to call in a steroid, Holly managed to get out of work on emergency, and she and Michael picked me up from Duke about 4:30.   They bought me some Chick-Fil-A, since it was 5:00 pm on Tuesday and the last time I had eaten was 11:30 am Monday, then drove me to the pharmacy in Lillington where I got the hospital's prescriptions for oral Dilaudid and Phenergan filled, and found out my neurologist didn't call in the steroid because I accidentally gave them the wrong phone number.  Then, Holly and Michael drove me back to campus, I took a nice, hot shower, doped myself up on pain and nausea meds, and promptly PASSED THE HECK OUT at about 8:00, which is probably pretty understandable since I had slept less than 2 hours in the previous 36 hours.

God definitely showed up in different ways, though:
1. Taylor, Kyla, Bruno, and Caitie all kept in almost constant (except for when they were, ya know, sleeping) communication with me to help keep me from feeling alone.  Especially Taylor.  Sweetest thing I think anyone has ever said to me, "I almost want to get on a plane and come be with you so you don't have to be alone."  No one in my life has ever even said they wanted to do that any time I've been in the hospital, not even Matt, but Taylor did.  That is just one shining example of many as to why that kid is one of my best friends/big brother.

2. Taylor put out a Twitter message to his followers asking for prayer for me.  And I could definitely feel the prayers, because I was never scared.  Pretty sure that's the first time in my life that I've ever been in a hospital and not been scared or worried about what was going on.  And I was ALONE.  That is absolutely 100% the work of God answering the prayers of my sweet friends and the kind souls who follow Taylor on twitter.

3. Yesterday afternoon, just after I got the whole MRSA text from Mom, the hospital chaplain stopped by.  I don't remember everything that was said because I was so drugged, but I do remember telling him basically my entire life story, him saying how encouraged he was by it to hear of the Lord's faithfulness throughout my life, and then he prayed over me.  Absolutely a message straight from God, no doubt in my mind.

4.  Holly was acting manager at her restaurant, but when she called her boss saying it was an emergency and that she was my only family in a 3-hour radius, the boss sent someone in to relieve her.  I don't know how I would've gotten back to school if it weren't for that.

5.  The ER gave me oral Dilaudid, even though the doc said they don't normally do that because it's such a heavy drug, and my neurologist agreed to call in a steroid to break the headache (it's worked before) without even seeing me.  That saves me from having to figure out a way to get to my neurologist when Holly works all the time and Mom can't take off work because she's been out with her own health stuff too much.

Those are just the biggest ones that I can think of right now.  I was telling Taylor, Bruno, Kyla, and Caitie over and over again how good God was being to me.  And they all kept telling me how proud they were of me for staying so positive, but really, I couldn't help it.  I was seeing God show up all over the place, and it was just natural, like I didn't have to go searching for Him, I just naturally found him.  Couple that with the fact that my shunt was fine and I didn't have to have emergency surgery, and yeah, I was feeling really good.

God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good.  Enough said.

Oh Duke, long time no see.

And I was kinda hoping it'd stay that way.

But yeah, I didn't blog last night because I left for Duke's ER about 8:00 pm.

And here it is 7 pm the next day, and I'm back in my dorm.

I've slept about 2 hours out of the last 36, so all I want to do is take a long hot shower, dope myself up on pain and nausea meds, and sleep until I have to get up for class tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will post all the details, but just know that for now I am fine.  I am waiting on a few questions to be answered, but God will get me through whatever it is, no doubt.  The past 24 hours were full of evidence of His presence.

Like I said, details about the whole trip will come tomorrow.  For now all I can think is "shower, dry hair, sleep."