Mind is blown.

That concert I went to?  RIDICULOUS. 

His name is Isaac Bustos, and he is a classical guitarist.

PHENOMENAL.  Like..I can't even find the words to express how I felt after that show.

Take a look at this video.  This is him, playing just one of the twelve or so numbers he played tonight.

Something else he played was a 15-minute movement a colleague of his wrote just for him (he's a professor at Texas A&M).  FIFTEEN MINUTES.  And he played 98% of it with his eyes closed.

If the rest of these concerts are as amazing as this, this semester won't be so bad after all.

Seriously. Watch. Now.

There are very few things I hate more...

than being talked down to.

There is this condescending jerk in my Scope & Methods class who claims he's not a Republican but sure as heck has the views of one and who any time I voiced my opinion during a conversation cut me off and said "That's wrong." and went on talking about how he's right about blah blah blah.

OH MY WORD.  Let's just say it's a very good thing that Dr. Thornton started class at that moment because I seriously almost had to get up and leave I was about to scream.

Never speaking to that chauvinist ever again, that is for sure.  Because I'm pretty sure if I do I'll either smack him or say something I really regret.

DEEP BREATHS MAL.

Anyway.

Tomorrow is gonna be a long freakin' day.  I get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning and will not stop until I get out of this concert I have to go to for my music class after 9:00 tomorrow night.  That's gonna be fun.

At least it's Ryann's birthday tomorrow so I get to sing for her like she sang for me! And it's one day closer to Friday! 

Hooray for both of those things.  Hooray indeed.

Accepting the Truth

I've reached a big, big point in my life.  A point that I've been simultaneously waiting to hit and avoiding for three years now.  And now that I'm here, I feel....free.

You're probably either wondering what I'm talking about, or thinking I sound a tad on the crazy side, or both.  But anybody who has followed this blog for any length of time will want to hear this.  I promise. 

My journey through my relationship with Matt has been well documented (possibly too documented) over the past two and a half years.  We've been through several ups and downs and I've let out all of my happiness and frustration here at each step.  This is partly because I just like blogging, but also because I don't know who I could've talked to about all of this and not be judged for it.

He's special to me.  That's no secret.  He is my best friend far beyond anyone else.  He is everything a lost and lonely girl like me could ask for.  He is kind to everyone, funny every second of the day, and gives the world's greatest hugs.  He's taught me just about as much about life as my mom has, and that's a lot.  He's held me when I cried, cracked jokes to make the tears or anger go away, and most of all, he's forgiven me and understood when I freaked out at him because of personal demons and fears that were not his fault.  I have yet to meet another person who is so willing to forgive as he is.  Most of the people I know would've left, and did leave me behind years ago, unable to put up with my severe trust issues because of people who abused my heart.  But he didn't.  He never once got mad at me when I questioned him and us, because he understood why I was doing it even when I didn't.

Writing it all out like that, it's not really much of a surprise that I fell in love with him, is it?  I fell in love.  Hard.  But from the second I realized how deeply I loved him, I knew having my best friend was more important to me than anything else.  And so I didn't tell him for a long time.  I kept all the words my mouth was begging to say bottled up inside because I had a track record of losing guys I cared about as soon as I voiced feelings.  Eventually, he figured it out, though.  I don't think I gave him enough credit, but subtlety never has been my strong suit.  When he figured it out, I told him part of it.  Again, because I didn't want to scare him away.  And it was fine.  He was himself and reassured me.

That was May of 2009.  I spent the next year and a half watching him deal with one girl drama after another, but I was used to it.  He knew I'd always be there to pick up the pieces.  But what he never understood is how much it truly broke my heart every single time I watch him get hurt.  I was lovesick, dreaming of us being together.  I refused to accept the fact that it wasn't possible, even as I watched him fall in love with Simone.

It wasn't until January of this year that I finally told him the 100% truth.  As my friend put it, I "didn't leave any stone unturned."  And again, he was Matt.  His first words, after I told him I was in love with him, were "It's okay. You can share anything with me."  I will never forget that.  Even after he explained his "no" in a lot of depth, things he'd never told me before, my heart still wasn't ready to let it go.  I still wasn't ready to lose hope.

Here's what this rambling is getting to...

I've now given up that hope.  But it's a good thing!  I'm actually completely okay!  I've accepted the truth that Matt and I are just not supposed to be romantically together.  If we were, it would've happened already.  (Is that cheering I hear? :)  I don't know what caused it.  I was just thinking last night, and it hit me.  You all have probably been wanting to scream the exact same information at me for as long as this has been going on, so be happy for me.  :)  I still love him beyond words, but maybe one day soon that love will only be loving him as my best friend.  This was the first necessary step.

This is the first step to really, completely getting over him.  A long time coming, huh? 

Protection

I've had a rather unexpected topic on my mind for a few days.  I guess I'm calling it unexpected because I don't really even remember what brought it on.  But I'm taking the fact that I can't get it out of my head as a sign that I just need to blog about it and get it off my chest.

Because I've grown up without a dad or a male figure in my life for so long, my mom has kind of instilled in me, whether intentionally or not, that I can be independent.  I need to be an independent woman because relying on a man to "save" or "take care of" you will only leave you in a bad situation.  And I think that for the most part, I am a very independent person, obviously aside from how much I've needed my mom from being sick so much. 

But I'm still a girl.  I will always be a hopeless romantic.  I want that guy who is head over heels in love with me, and there's no shame in that. 

The thing is, though, part of me dreams of having a man/husband who wants to protect me and take care of me.  Does that go against all of the lessons on independence that my mother has instilled in me?  Maybe.  All I know is that in my mind, I dream of a man who isn't Matt that gives me the feeling of being protected that Matt always has.  I am very secure in the fact that I don't need a boyfriend or whatever, but there's something about a guy being...well, a man willing to fight on my behalf that is very attractive. 

Does that make sense?  I don't know; I hope so.  It makes sense in my head.

What I'm trying to get to here is this question:  Do you think it's possible to be an independent woman yet still love having a man who is willing to be protective of you?  I'm feeling a little conflicted about it.  I appreciate any and all answers.  You don't have to censor anything with me, as long as what you're saying is in a nice tone. :)

Light at the end of the tunnel.

Here we go again.

It's the end of the weekend.  Sunday night.  Tomorrow begins another week full of the thing I despise most.

Early mornings.  :)

However, this week is different because at least I know that come Friday, I'll get to go home for 3 days.  Gotta love federal holidays. 

It's weird...It feels like it has been so much longer than two weeks since I left.  That's probably because I've barely talked to my mom.  Not on purpose, she's just been very busy with getting back to work and everything, and my semester is crazy and full of not only early days, but long days, too.

That's gonna be really good motivation to be optimistic this week.  Because I really can't wait to get home for a bit.  I really miss Blake.  And it may sound strange but it is a little weird to be in a silent room.  Haha, I know my mom would kill to be in one herself right now, but still. 

I've had a very productive weekend, as I managed to get all my homework done.  However, I also had a fun weekend, as I gave myself a Glee marathon. :)  I have no idea how I managed to watch as many episodes as I did and still do all the work, but I did...Productive and fun.  I call that a success!

That was a hurricane?

If you were a weatherman, and you came to Campbell to survey the evidence of the hurricane, you'd think you'd gone mentally insane.

Why?  Because Buies Creek looks like Hurricane Irene had a giant hole in it.  It barely rained and we've had stronger winds on a sunny October day.

It was ODD.

On the upside, Swansboro and the surrounding areas fared pretty well.  There's still some power outage, but Mom said she drove around town and didn't see anything more serious than downed trees and houses that lost some siding.  For a town ten minutes from the coast, that's really good.  :)

I was amazed that Irene downgraded to a Category 1 before it even made landfall, so that definitely helped. 

Weather is just weird.  Earthquakes, a hurricane, and tornadoes all in the same week!

I'm so relieved that nothing major happened.  I don't think my mom could handle one more ounce of stress right now.

Thanks for praying!  Please keep praying for the rest of the east coast!  :)

PLEASE pray for Swansboro!

I don't remember a hurricane ever actually picking my town as the landfall spot. 

The spot for landfall gets hit the hardest. 

PLEASE be praying for my town and family, and well everyone who lives there.

Buies Creek is in a creek bed, so we'll almost certainly get a nasty flood out of this.  But still, I'm in a dorm built out of cement.  I'm not worried about me.

God is in control...God is in control...God is in control...

I have amazing friends.

Amy texted me a little bit ago and told me to meet her outside because she forgot to give me something last night.  I thought it was kinda odd, but of course I did.

The girl bought me mounting tape because she knew I'd been looking for it and she saw it at Walmart.  And won't let me pay her for it because "it's just a few bucks".  Now, I'm really glad I bought her dinner.  And gave me a Vespers sticker that her friend had and didn't want. 

I just had to document this because God never ceases to show me just how blessed I am.

I almost got beat by a plastic lemon.

This stupid plastic lemon.

All I wanted was to put some lemon juice in my tuna.  That's it!  My mom said I should buy this because it's small and my refrigerator is tiny.  So I did.  Except that was before I knew that the makers of this lemon apparently have no other source of fun in their lives and therefore had to make it ridiculously hard to open. 

I know you can't see it, but the top pops on.  One would think that would be all that is necessary.  Nope.  I didn't know how to get the juice out.  I tried unscrewing it.  Nope.  I tried pulling on it.  Nope.  I tried poking it with a pen.  I got so irritated I texted Mom and she couldn't help me.  She suggested trying to poke the hole with scissors. 

Finally, I remembered that I had a second one, and it still had the tag on it, which had directions.  "Pop on lid. Poke through hole with pin."  Of course. 

Frustrated, I tried poking the pen through that one and it worked!

Hallelujah.  Because it really wouldn't have been good for my confidence if I'd gotten beaten by a plastic lemon.

I don't have one of those inside, and I don't think I want to.

(I'm speaking to Dr. Steegar, my French professor, in French about a thought of mine relating to a reading from our homework.)

Me:  Les Français, en général...
Dr S: Give me a better r.  Général.
Me:  Général.
Dr. S:  No, from the throat.  Don't move your lips.
Ryann:  It's like you're hissing.  *makes noise*
Me:  *attempts noise*
Dr. S:  Come on, Mal, let your inner cat out.