Sunday, August 17, 2014

Growing in Trust

Well, it was a good thing I blogged before I left the apartment last night.  Things...uh...didn't exactly turn out quite like I planned.  It started out great, we went to a bar and hung out, and I was dancing and felt great.  Then I got overheated.  And I sat down and started getting a sharp pain in my head pretty much right on my shunt. Then I got really nauseous and felt a seizure coming on.  Luckily I managed to get on the ground before it happened, but you can imagine just how well that whole scene worked out in a bar crowded with people.

The EMT people that showed up were very nice and all.  I decided to go to the ER to figure out why my shunt was in so much pain, because the only other times I'd been in even close to that much pain, I'd hit my head and last night I didn't hit anything.  The hospital was when things got even more complicated.

It appears as though the tip of my shunt has moved, and because of that, one ventricle is not draining.  They called it obstructive hydrocephalus.  However, they couldn't or wouldn't do anything last night because they want to get my neurosurgery file from Duke and some of the images I got done at the hospitals near Campbell so they can be sure by looking at what my shunt and ventricles looked like when doctors said my shunt was normal and everything was working properly.  So both the doctor and I are calling Duke and Central Harnett in the morning to see how quickly they can get that information up here and I am calling to make an appointment with the doctor that was in charge last night at the end of the week in her office.  Hopefully everything will be up here by then and we can make a plan as to what to do next.

Now, I'll be honest.  Before the "we need to get old scans and then see what to do" plan was given, my mind went to some dark places upon learning that my shunt seems to have moved.  I immediately remembered the 2009 brain surgeries and the hell-on-earth feeling of those few months, and panicked a bit at the comparison of how that was the week before I was supposed to start Campbell, and this is pretty much the week before I'm supposed to start NYU.  I thought about how Mom has just started the workdays for her new job, and knew she can't afford to take time off already for me to have another surgery, especially not when she'd have to get a plane ticket to come be with me, and how even if I told her not to come she would anyway because that's what she does.

But part of me thought - 'If surgery is what needs to be done to fix this, fix it.'  I don't want to put it off and then be on the brink of another life or death situation.  I'm not exactly thrilled with this plan because this means I have to wait several days before knowing what's going to happen next, if yet another surgery is knocking on my door.  Waiting sucks.  But it's also the best way for me to grow in my trust in God.

Pastor Chris said God must really trust me, because He's given me a hard mission.  I don't know why God trusts me, because I certainly don't feel qualified.

But I know why I trust Him and that's what matters.

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