I don't have a lot of time to write today.
Today was...one of the hardest days, possibly the hardest, that I've experienced with my faith. Two more seizures, another doctor treating me like I'm crazy, my head neurologist once again seemingly entirely nonchalant about the entire thing, still no answers. My orders when I left the ER (which I really only went to because I inexplicably had a fever, something that pretty much never happens to me) after the doctor spoke to my head neurologist were "keep taking your medicine as prescribed and wait for the doctor's office to call you with the EEG results and to set up a follow up appointment". How useful.
By the time I got back to my room, I was mad. I was beyond mad. I was pissed off. At the hospital, at my doctor, at God. I can't even explain everything that was going on in my head, and I'm not entirely sure I want to relive it.
But then Jayshawn came. Oh dear Jayshawn. I felt bad asking him to come over after practice because obviously he was going to be dead tired, but I just knew I needed to be around his astounding joy and learn from his unique perspective, and he came anyway. He started out saying he could only come for "a little bit"...and then ended up staying close to two hours. We talked about so much, and amazingly, I managed to keep my mouth shut and stop venting long enough to hear what he had to say and truly learn from the way he sees me, my situation, and God. I started out our time together feeling so down, I couldn't help but cry a few times as I talked to him, but when he left, the last thing I said before we prayed was, "It's gonna be okay. I know it. Not in my time, but in His." And in that moment, I knew that I meant it. I knew that because I said it without thinking.
So tonight, I am thankful for how God loves me. How He loved me enough to send His son to die for me when I hated Him. How He is faithful to love me when I question everything about Him. How He looks at me and sees the clean, pure perfection of Jesus Christ, forgetting every mistake I've ever made and every one I ever will make. How He loves me enough to surround me with people who have faith when I feel like I'm losing it, who have hope when I can't find any, who have confidence when I'm not even sure I can remember what having confidence feels like. How He loves me enough to never let go of me, to never let me stay in that dark place, no matter what it takes.
His love is a love like no other. It's a love that never quits. And right now, in the midst of so much frustration and fear and so many unknowns, it's what keeps me going.