Wednesday, April 18, 2012

True Inspiration

So, that whole getting baptized's a pretty cool story, right?

I mean, I think it's pretty cool.  So cool, actually, that I've been telling just about everyone I know.

I was going to have lunch with Ryann last Tuesday, so I could tell her all about it, but then that pesky little pancreatitis thing made that a no-go, so as of yesterday, I still hadn't told her.  And she didn't want to go to lunch because she wanted to get a nap before practice, so I decided to just email her the full rundown I sent to my oh-so-lovely friend JD.  That way, she could finally know, because this is the kind of thing you want to tell your best friend.

This morning after we got out of French Lit, she told me she read the email last night.  And she started telling me her thoughts.  She told me I look like I'm glowing, even now.  She told me that she was so proud of me for doing it in front of so many people (to which I told her, it was easy to do it because I felt like I was with family, not 500 strangers), but the one that hit me the most is that she told me the story was inspirational.

It's still kind of hard to wrap my head around the fact that someone considers me inspirational.  Me.  I mean, on one hand, it's sort of exactly what I want.  Once I got past the anger over the medical traumas I've had to deal with, I realized that there had to be a reason for it, that God loves me so much that He wouldn't give me a story like this for nothing.  I realized just how much I want to make a difference to someone and show them what God has done in my life.  Anyone, really.  I want to leave this world knowing that my life has made an impact on those around me.  And slowly, He started showing me that on many different occasions, and this was just another one.

But on the other hand, my Type A personality comes out, and I start worrying if I can live up to the person that people tell me I am.  I certainly don't think I'm an inspiration.  I went through many, many years where I basically didn't want anything to do with God because I couldn't accept that bad things happening to good people doesn't change the fact that God still loves me more than I will ever understand.  I still freak out when I get faced with a new medical problem; I did last week with the pancreatitis, and Brennan had to talk me down from that.

I honestly have no clue whatsoever as to what I'm doing, or how I've made it through all of my life in one relatively solid piece.  To me, it's just what I had to do because there wasn't any other choice.  I'm not any stronger than anyone else; if you were in my shoes, if you were me, you'd fight like hell to make it through, too.  Sometimes when I'm explaining to people about how I'm behind in school because of the brain surgeries, and then I begin to tell them that that's not all I've dealt with, I feel like they start looking at me like I'm some sort of super human.

But those people don't see when I'm sobbing in my room because of how tired I am of the pain (which is, in retrospect, not too bright of an idea seeing as crying usually gives me a headache), and they don't see me when I'm so angry I start screaming at God just begging Him to give me a break.  They see me when I'm back at school, making it through my day usually with a smile on my face.

Then again, I sort of understand where they're coming from because, even though I don't see myself as an inspiration, there are people that do inspire me.  Like JD.  And Taylor and Bruno.  And Brennan.  And Sara.  And my mom.  You know, as I'm sitting here typing this something just hit me.  I think what people, myself included, need to realize is that none of us are the true inspirations here.  God is.  God is where we all get the strength to get through the tough times.  God is who teaches us the lessons that keep us moving forward even when we feel like giving up.

This is God's doing.  Not mine.  Not yours.  Not anyone else's.

I know I certainly couldn't do this without a Father who is with me 100% of the time, no matter what, even when I'm an idiot, who gives me the determination to not give up.

So no, I'm not the inspiration here.  I'm just a willing vessel for the One through whom ALL things are possible.

1 comment:

  1. you are one very inspirational person mal. you go through lifes adversities with such poise. even though i only know you through the blog work and facebook, i can tell what a wonderful person you are!!!! keep shining mal, god had great plans for you. i just know it!