Thursday, April 26, 2012

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I don't know how to say what I want to say without being scared of judgment.  That in itself is weird because I'm not usually scared of judgment.  I just write what I want to write and leave it as is because this is like a weird version of a diary for me.

But for some reason, I just can't bring myself to write out what is going on inside my head right now.  No, I didn't do anything crazy like get pregnant or have sex at all or anything.  Some of you might actually think it's silly that I'm so nervous to talk about what it is.

But it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I was supposed to appreciate this because it was a gift from God, and I was supposed to use it to further my relationship with God because I want SO BADLY to be closer to Him, to have the relationship with Him I've been working to rebuild for so long.  I wasn't supposed to make this about us, about me, about feelings and emotions.  This was supposed to be spiritual healing for me.

And I do see it.  I do see the gift that this has already been in my life, and how much I have learned about God and how much my spiritual life has changed in a year.  I DO SEE THAT.  I trust God more now than I think I ever have.  This relationship is the gift I prayed and yearned for for years.  I am so blessed by all that I have learned.

Which is why it wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be simple.  It was supposed to be about me and God.  Not anyone else.

God, please, please, either change my heart or show me why I feel the way I do right now.  Please.  I want this to be about You, I really do.  But this sort of hit me out of nowhere, and I want it to be different unless this is coming from You.  So please.  Make this go away, or show me what to do with it.  Because I want my life to honor You every second of every day.  I don't want to mess this up this time.  Please.

"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be..."

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