Tuesday, February 8, 2011

But but but...


Tonight I had another study session with Tyler because our first French 202 test is tomorrow.

Now, my weekly study sessions with Tyler have turned into weekly study sessions with Tyler AND Ian (another guy in our class). :)

And really, things are fun.  They're both seemingly very nice guys and very funny and kind and appreciative.

That's all I really ask for when I offer to tutor someone - that they show they appreciate my help by putting in the effort.

But, and maybe I'm being silly, I'm scared.

Really scared.

Because I can feel a friendship with Tyler growing.

And I've got satan in the back of my head honing in on my biggest fear already.

He usually waits till I care more before I have these thoughts.  (Ha!)

I just don't want to get hurt again.  I don't want to let the walls down and trust Tyler like I can tell he wants me to and have it all bite me in butt.

The logical part of me knows that there's no reason to be scared.  I barely know him as of now, and he barely knows me.


He's just the kind of guy I make friends with.

The kind of guy I've been friends with in the past.

The kind of guy who always ends up hurting me.

And I am so tired of getting hurt.  The more I look back over my friendships with people, it seems like every single time I really trust someone (except Matt), I get screwed.


I can not let satan win. 

I will not let satan win.

This is pretty much my biggest fear as of late - putting my heart and time into someone and getting burned. 

And I know satan knows that and feeds off of it. 

I am competitive, and a fighter, and determined to outrun satan's taunts.

But...it's not a simple thing.

I suppose the important thing is that I'm working on it.

I do not give up.

I never have, and I never will.


Step 1: breathe deeply.

Step 2: pray.

Step 3: pray some more.

Step 4: take Tyler at his word, for now, and give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'll let you know how it goes.

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