Insanity

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

This is what I've been doing with my family.  Walking back into the same mess, with the same mindset, saying and doing the same things, submitting myself to the same depressed state, and then wondering why things don't change.

So that ends now.

I'm moving in with my grandma ASAP.  I can't do this anymore.  I need time away from my sister.  Time for peace.  And hopefully that peace will help me hear God more clearly about this.  Distance.

I'm doing something different...finally.  Hopefully this will help me get back to Campbell with my sanity still in tact.

I love my sister...but I just can't do this anymore.

Sure

Something happened tonight.  I'm not sure how and I'm not sure why now, but it happened.

I was sitting on my bed texting Caitie when all of a sudden, this feeling came over me.

Out of nowhere, I was overwhelmed with this feeling that everything is going to be okay.  Not right away, and not easily, but I just know that in the end, I'm going to be okay.  This whole mess I'm dealing with is going to be okay.  These days of debilitating pain are going to be redeemed, and I'm going to once again be left with a life that is brighter and fuller than anything I could have created on my own.

I feel like God is telling me that this journey through this trial is not going to end quickly or easily, but I'm going to be happy I traveled it.  And it will end.

It's like the struggle I mentioned yesterday - the one between knowing God can heal me and believing that He will - was gone in a flash.  He's going to heal me.  I'm going to be okay.

Don't ask me why I'm all of a sudden so sure of this.  Don't ask me what changed.  I don't know.  It's one of those things that can't be explained.  All I know is that I'm sure of this.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.  I have come so that they may have life, and have it to the fullest."

When the body of Christ moves.

Today was very long.  6+ hours in a car for a very short appointment that gave me nothing more than another medication change and another doctor basically telling me to grin and bear it until my appointment at the headache clinic on June 19.

I'm not angry.  It's not those doctors' fault they're stumped.  And I'm not angry at God.  My faith is all I have left.  Right now I feel so weak and so broken and so incapable that I can't be mad at Him because I need Him too much.

And besides, with all the conversations I had after the appointment today, it's impossible for me to forget just how much God has blessed me.  How sustaining the body of Christ really can be when they move together to show me God's love and presence at a time when I so desperately need it.

A guy I've never met whose wife just had a baby yesterday taking the time to text with me after my appointment and reminding me "I'm on your team."  Telling me God has given me a platform for a reason, which just makes me want to use the opportunity even more.  Pain and all.

My best friend in California in the middle of a busy pro soccer season answering me when I know she barely has the time.

A church friend telling me that they prayed for me at small group this week, reminding me that I'm never far from my family's thoughts.

Friends new and old sending me Bible verses, encouraging texts, reminding how much they love me and how much more God loves me.

When the body of Christ moves to lift someone up, it truly is one of the most beautiful things you can experience on this earth.  At least...that's my opinion.  I was feeling really upset, discouraged, and confused when I left the clinic today, but talking to these sweet friends of mine got my head back where it belongs.  My God is good.  He'll carry me to that June 19th appointment.

Not many people can say they have people from literally all over the country praying for them, but I can.  That's such a huge blessing, one I hope I never take for granted.

Chris's sermon on Sunday was titled "Pray Big."  And let me tell ya, every single week it feels like God gave Chris those words just so I could hear them, but this one hit me hard.  I was crying.  I have struggled for a long time with the difference between knowing that God can do something and believing that He will do it.  I know that God can heal me, but I often doubt that He will.  But between that sermon and the unshakeable faith so many of my friends displayed today, I am more solid than I have ever been in this.

James 4:3 says "You do not receive, because you do not ask."  I haven't even bothered asking God for my healing in a long time.  I guess because I was scared to get my hopes up that He'd heal me only for Him not to.  But not anymore.  There is nothing wrong about having high hopes in the Lord!  I am praying for my healing.  I'm believing for my healing.

And you know what?  Even if it doesn't happen, I know that my God is still good.  I know I am blessed to live the life that I do.  And I'm gonna use whatever platform God puts in my path to tell people about the amazing, all-knowing, perfect God that I serve.  If a painful life is where God wants me, then I am rededicating myself right now, thanks in part to the encouragement of so many of my friends today.

I am all in.

Bad Day

I don't remember the last time I slept so much in a 24-hour period without being in the hospital.

Another day of debilitating pain.

My head is awful.

Back to Duke tomorrow.

Lord, help me.

And the Awesome Daughter award goes to...

ME! Ha.

I'm currently blogging from my phone because I'm so tired that I turned my computer off before I remembered that I hadn't yet blogged tonight. And I couldn't go to bed without doing that because I have certain people that tend to think I've run away or fallen into a coma if I miss a post. ;)

The reason I am so tired is because I have spent the past 15 or so hours doing chores of all kinds. Cleaning, lots of laundry, collecting and taking out all the trash and recycling, and then spending all night helping Mom with her grading. She's been way behind ever since my week in the hospital, so I kind of felt like I had to.

So here it is, 2 am, and I can barely think about words to finish this post with.

I'm tired. I am so tired. Tired of the pain, tired of this house, tired of forgetting what genuine and long-lasting joy felt like.

Another doctor visit on Wednesday. Not expecting much to come out of it since he's not the headache specialist I will see next month, but I am in desperate need of pain meds if I am going to make it to June 19th without another hospital visit.

Summer. For real this time.

YAY.

My paper is done.  Finished.  Fini.  Emailed in. Totally out of my hands DONE.

I can really start my summer vacation now!

So relieved.  I think I did pretty well on it, and I know this professor likes the way I write, but I just don't feel as confident on it as I did the paper last semester because the information and research for this one was much harder to nail down.

But oh well.  It's done now.

I can read.  FOR FUN.  I can sleep when I want to for as long as I want to.  I can watch the last episodes of the season of several TV shows that I love without being completely stressed out.

Not much else to say about today.  Lots of paper writing.   Babysitting.  Good food from Mom.  That's about it.

And now I'm going to go immerse myself in the book of a certain blogger whom I love while my sheets wash and dry because I shaved and showered today so I wanted clean sheets but was not about to try and take of that while writing my paper and helping with Blake.  In fact, I promised myself that I wouldn't open the book until I got this paper done, and it's been sitting on my dresser for the past 48 hours taunting me.  But I did it.  Now I can read in peace.

FREEDOM!!!!! :)

Progress, people.

Today had its hindrances, but this thing might actually get done.  And on time, too!

Combine my head being in really bad shape most of the morning and spurts of Blake babysitting, and I didn't get started until after 4:00 today.

I was kind of freaking out, knowing this thing needs to be emailed in tomorrow night, but here we are, seven and a half hours later, and I'm through two of the five sections, one of which will be the longest section of the paper.  And all that includes major breaks for dinner and needing to lay down because my hips were throbbing from being in the same position for too long.

There's no page or word number "recommendations" on the assignment sheet, so I'm not even worrying about that.  I'm just going through my sources systematically and doing this thing to the best of my ability.  That's all I can do.  I'm expecting to get a B in this class, anyway, and I don't foresee Dr. Thornton giving me anything less than a B on this paper, so it's all good.

Every single time, so much of the stress that hits me with a big research paper, especially one I've procrastinated on, is lifted once I just start the darn thing!  I feel a lot better about not only getting this thing done, but getting it done in the time frame I promised my professor despite my head, and getting it done well.

Yay.  Hopefully by this time tomorrow, I will officially be on summer vacation and really be able to enjoy the stack of books I have to read!

Anyway, I'm pretty exhausted, so I'm gonna go eat a snack and go to bed.  Hopefully I'll be able to start on the other three sections MUCH earlier tomorrow.

At least I'm going to bed smiling.  You wouldn't think that would happen in the middle of a huge research paper, huh? :) 

Under Pressure

I thought telling Dr. Thornton that I would have my paper in by the end of this weekend would be giving myself ample time to complete it.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot for not counting in the fact that my head would knock out at least 3 of the past 5 days.  Which means I have tomorrow and Sunday to write this entire paper.

Well, I guess the good news is that I wrote a much longer paper in about 16 hours of work time last semester for the same professor, but that was without this pain to deal with.

But anyway, for some reason I work better under pressure, even if there is stress that comes with it.  I'd rather write the whole big thing out in a very short time than drag it out over a week.  The main thing is I just want to get it done so I can enjoy my summer without it hanging over my head.  And so I don't make my professor mad.

Here's to hoping and praying my head will cooperate for the next 48 hours, just long enough for me to get this out of the way.  Then again, I'll have to force my way through it either way.

With a Purpose

On Sunday, as part of our series studying the book of Colossians, the sermon focused on prayer.  Pastor Sean really emphasized one point in the beginning that got stuck in my head.

The five most powerful words you can say to someone are, "I am praying for you."

And I'll be honest, this one convicted me really hard because I am pretty hit and miss when it comes to following through with what I say when it comes to prayer.  It's one thing to say I'll be praying for somebody, that's easy.  It's the actually remembering to pray for them that's the struggle.

I don't want to be that kind of person.  That person who is so inattentive that I just use "I'll be praying for you" as a way to get out of a conversation or as a space-filler when I'm out of words.  I want my words to mean something, every single one of them.  I want to stick to my word, no matter what the subject is, and no subject is more worthy of that than going to the Lord on behalf of the people I love, people whom I have seen go to Him for me.

So this week, I've decided to start taking this really seriously.  Since I spend so much time on my computer as it is, I made a word document of all the prayer requests I could think of that I've heard recently for my family, friends, and blog friends, and that way I can easily add to it any time I hear one.  I want to be more purposeful with my prayer time, so my goal is to end each night by pulling up the list and praying over everything that is on there.  If the list gets too big, I suppose I can break it down into a section a night, but for now, this works.

I also want to get more habitual about spending time in the Word.  Another thing that I've heard recently, I can't remember if it was Pastor Sean or Chris who said this, was that if we wonder why there's no power in our prayer, it's because we're not intimately connected with the Father.  We can't treat prayer like it's just a drive-through order and God is our waiter.  And one short but so true and powerful thing that Earl said at the purity conference a couple weeks ago was, "It's really hard to fight a battle with a weapon you've never touched."  I'm in the middle of a long battle; if I want to make sure the enemy doesn't win, I need to be as prepared as possible.  That's only going to happen if I get more intimately acquainted with the God I know loves me so deeply.

I don't want my time here to be a waste.  I want it to be filled with opportunities to show other people the Lord that I serve, and growing closer and closer to Him as I wait for the day that He'll call me home.  This sounds like a good place to start to me.

As a side note...three people today alone have told me I should write a book.  Others have told me in the past that I should do that, or that I should be a public speaker, but never three people in one day.  Are you trying to tell me something, God?  I've decided I'm not going to fight for opportunities that I want anymore.  I want to get back to Nashville this fall, but I'm not going to try and force it.  If God wants me back there, He'll get me there.  I want to get to Texas to meet Chris and visit his church, but I'm not going to force that, either.  I can't force that; I don't have the money to go both places and I'd pick Taylor's wedding any day.  If God wants me to get there, He'll work a miracle and make it happen.  I want to do something bigger with my story/testimony, write a book, public speaking, who knows, but I wouldn't even know where to begin, especially in the middle of college, so if it's going to happen, God's going to have to put the opportunity in front of my face.

I'm just too tired to fight anymore.  God's results always turn out far better than what I could work out, anyway.  So I'm releasing myself from the pressure of trying to make things happen.  Ah, release.  My One Word comes back.

I guess this is what letting go feels like.  Letting go...but with a purpose.

Alive

This line right here has been following me around lately.  In the Easter Sunday sermon from Chris Plekenpol, in a Tim Hawkins video, I've heard it over and over in the past several days and it's been stuck in my head the entire time.

Jesus didn't come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people alive.

It's something that took me a really long time to understand.  After my hometown church kicked me out, my initial reaction was that I wasn't good enough.  I wasn't good enough for them, I wasn't good enough for the church, and if I wasn't good enough for the church, "God's people", then there wasn't no way that I could be good enough for God.

And that just got me angry.  I knew those people weren't perfect, so why were they good enough for God but I wasn't?  Before long, all of that anger turned into nothing.  I was numb.  I knew I was numb but I didn't care.  I figured I'd rather feel nothing at all if that meant I could escape the pain and sadness that seemed to have engulfed me ever since my dad passed away.

That's when I stopped talking to anyone, save for Matt and even with him he had to pry at times to get me to say anything.  I didn't trust any other person to know the reality of what was going on inside my heart and mind, and I didn't think that God cared.  That's also when the thoughts of suicide started becoming a daily ritual.  I thought I was a waste of skin, and honestly the only feeling in me stronger than the ones that said I should never have been born and that I didn't want to live in what felt like hell anymore was the one that didn't want to let "them" win.  I wasn't going to give all the people who wanted me gone exactly the wish they'd been taunting me with.

Who knew someone could be dead and still be a fighter?  It sounds like a giant contradiction, I know, but I didn't know I was dead until I learned what life really looked like.  I didn't know I was numb until I learned what feeling really was.  And I didn't even begin to learn what life and feeling really were until I met these four strangers from Nashville one hot February day who showed me what life looked like, not with their words, but with the way they shined.  The way they laughed.  The way they listened so intently to me, like I was the only person in the room.  They still teach me those things, with their texts, with their phone calls, with the way they prayed over me just weeks ago and pray for me still.  And it all made sense when I stood in an unfamiliar church in their hometown and declared my allegiance to Christ.

I'll be the first one to tell you that I rolled my eyes for years any time someone tried to tell me that Jesus wanted me, Jesus wanted my heart, and the life I'd been pleading for and waiting for could only be found with him.  Ask my friend JD, she knows.  She's one of the few Christians in my life today who knew me at my worst.  I think she could even tell via email when I was rolling my eyes at her.  My faith has been tested more than most people even think is possible, and that's why I know I can sit here and tell you that I get it.  I get it because I've been on both sides.  I've been the one who thinks those "religious people spouting trite Christian phrases are just crazy", and now I'm the girl who wants to tell you that everything I heard in my past that I didn't believe then is actually true!

Jesus didn't come for the people society labeled "good" or "right" or "popular".

Jesus came for the broken, the outcast, the worst of sinners, so he could heal and redeem and give His Father all the glory.

Jesus came for the parents who don't know how they'll pay the bills, so he could show them that God really can work miracles.

Jesus came for the teenagers trapped in a feeling that this life isn't worth living, so he could show them that there's a better life waiting for them in eternity.

Jesus came for the ones laid up in hospitals wondering what kind of loving God would let them hurt so badly, so he could teach them that God feels and grieves their pain with them.

But Jesus also came for the ones who see themselves as having lived a "virtually pain-free life."  Jesus came for the ones who are willing to befriend the ones that everyone else ignores.  Jesus came for the ones who go on mission trips to let orphans know they are loved.

There is no being "good enough" for God.  God knows how broken and wicked we really are, and the Love He has for us is so great that He came down to ransom us from the ties that bind us to our sin.

He came because He knows that before any of us knows Him, we are dead, and He wants to show us what being alive really is all about.

"There is a God in heaven who died to be our Savior and now lives to be our King." - Chris Plekenpol

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience, among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ..." Ephesians 2:1-5