If tonight is any indication...

it's going to be one looooooooong weekend.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. 

Somehow everything Chelsea does or doesn't do gets tied back to me so it's my fault.  For example, Chelsea didn't fold the laundry she was supposed to fold?  It's my fault because I suck at folding laundry.

Yeah.  Please explain that. 

Pray for me.  I'm gonna need it.

Also, I changed my comment format, so you should be able to comment now! Please email me (email is in my profile) if you can't! Stupid Blogger.

Late night randomness.

Landon? Never cared about me.  I was COMPLETELY wrong.  Matt talked to him (without me asking/knowing) and informed me.  Gotta love it.  It doesn't matter, I'm beyond over it.  It just keeps getting brought up.  Whatever.  His loss.  Here's what I'd like to say to him, though, as a parting thought: "We were over from the start, intertwined just in time to fall apart. I can't believe I missed the signs. You were cold and they all told me not to try, but I thought they had you wrong. In the morning you were gone, just vanished from my life, didn't even say goodbye.  Everytime I see your face, I can see the games you play. Nobody can break hearts better. Why do you have to be so damn clever?" Oh and "When you see my face, hope it gives you hell. You're the fool, I'm just as well. I hope it gives you hell." (pieces of "So Damn Clever" by Plain White Ts and "Gives You Hell" by All-American Rejects.  I think they fit.)

Mom is going to Brianna's Olympic Development soccer games this weekend.  Which means I'll be home alone with Chelsea all weekend.  Oh boy!  Ha.  Really, though, Bri made the top team in the east division.  How cool is that?!  She may be my ticket to the Olympics one day. :D

ONE week (well now six days) till my birthday! Woot woot! Hahaha.  All I know that's happening so far is we're going to dinner, like usual, with all the family and Matt is coming over for a bit.  I told him that was my only request for the day.  He said there's no way he wouldn't come over.  :)

I finally get to go see Mr. Laughinghouse on Monday!  Things are so complicated sometimes when you have to depend on other people for rides.  This Saturday will be two years since I graduated.  That's CRAZY to think about. 

Maybe I'll have more energy to blog tomorrow.  My head has felt funny all day.

Reason #8239 why I love blogland

Because I get a surprise email from a blog friend introducing me to a song I'd never heard of before and instantly fell in love with.

"To Me" by Matthew West

Well it breaks my heart
Every time I see the world break yours in two
You know those lies ain't true
But when you let 'em get to you,
Being you is hard to be, I see.

These days sticks and stones
Sound like paradise
Compared to those harsh words
They'd rather cut you down than hold you
But they don't know you like I know you
If they did I know they'd see,
Yes they would see...

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far
So much brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

All your so called friends
Said they'd be there till the bitter end are gone
But I won't be just like the others
I'm gonna show you my true colors
You can't ever make me leave
No, no, I won't ever leave

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far,
Even brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

When you laugh it's my favorite song
And all the gray is gone
Every single time I see you smile,
I just haven't seen it in awhile

So go on and dream
Bigger dreams than this town's ever seen before
There are just two kinds of people:
Ones who say you're just not able
And the ones who change the world
And you're gonna change the world

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far
Even brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

Uh yeah. Wow. So many thoughts that this song inspired...

First was "Whoa. If I could pick a song that I could imagine Matt singing to me, one that sums up our friendship, this would be it." (I know I've talked about him a lot this week, just hang in there.)  The first half of the song (to 'No I won't ever leave') reminds me so much of all the support he's given me, all the times he's reminded me that no matter what anyone else has said or done, he's not going anywhere, how sorry he really is that so many people have hurt me.  I think of how he believes in me when no one else seems to.  It reminds me of how he really does know me better than anyone.  It makes me remember how so incredibly lucky I am that God put a friend like him on this earth for me. 

The second half (from 'all your so called friends' to the end) is what I would say to Matt.  I really am going to be there "till the bitter end" for him, through all the girls and drama and stress and craziness, I'll be there.  Unlike anyone else, he lights up my entire world when he's around because he is always happy, always smiling, always funny.  Also, this boy has so many dreams, dreams his family doesn't believe he can reach.  He wants to move to California when he graduates in December to go to a music school.  His family doesn't want him to.  I seem to be the only one who thinks he can and he should.  He's unbelievably determined.  I can totally see him doing whatever he wants, moving anywhere (though I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna do when he's in California :p).  Sometimes I feel like his biggest fan, because we're so close.  We both want each other to have the world.  (Okay, this is the end of the Matt talk, I promise!)

The second thing that really hit me about this song was this:

So go on and dream bigger dreams than this town's ever seen before. There are just two kinds of people: ones who say you're just not able, and the ones who change the world. And you're gonna change the world .

THIS is what I want for myself.  I want to change the world.  Swansboro is such a ridiculously small town.  I've been surrounded by basically the same people in this town since I was 4.  Thus, they know the basics of all my medical issues.  Most of them expect me not to do much with my life (trust me, some of them have told me).  In fact, one of my old teachers told me he was surprised to hear I was still in college because of everything.  Sweet, huh?  I want to go to grad school in DC and then eventually move to Europe.  I have so many plans, plans that are worlds bigger than this bubble I've been living in.  And I'm going to go chasing after them.

Let me know what you think of the song! And THANK YOU Laura A. for sending it to me!

(And yes, this post took me a long time to write because I have the song on repeat. In case you were wondering. :D)

Seriously, satan, get a life.

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately.  Bad nightmares.  And I have no idea what they could mean.

In every one of them, I get attacked.  Sometimes emotionally, sometimes sexually, most of the time physically.  And then I wake up shaking and scared terrified.

The most frightening part of it all, though?  Occasionally, the attacker was someone I don't recognize, but most of the time, the attacker was Matt.

I just can't believe that this is happening this week.  This week, when I don't think we have ever been closer or in a better place. When I'm happy with how things are.  When I feel 100% secure with him and know that he loves me.

Satan has to be up to something.  That's literally the only reason that I can come up with that I'd start having nightmares about my best friend, the person I trust more than anyone on this planet, raping me.  It just doesn't make sense under any other explanation.

It's not like I actually believe there's a remote chance of those nightmares ever coming true.  Matt is possibly the least confrontational person I've ever met.  He's also one of the most chivalrous.  He wouldn't hurt a fly, he certainly would never sexually assault a woman, let alone me.  But of course, I remember these nightmares more than I usually remember a dream.  I can't get them out of my head.  As if dreaming it wasn't bad enough, they're still haunting me.

Dude, satan, go away. I've got enough going right now.  I really don't need this, too.

The only exciting part of my day

was this. 

YAY HIGHLIGHTS! :) (AND YAY MOM BECAUSE SHE DID 'EM)

He makes everything better.

I don't really want to rehash all the details of why I was so upset yesterday, because it's done and over and I'm really trying to not get stuck in the past anymore.  However, suffice it to say, the past week has been very hard and my mom and I hit probably the lowest point in our relationship that we've ever had.

Matt came over and spent two hours with me tonight because he knew I was ridiculously close to snapping and completely losing it.  Talking to him, talking it all out with him, made me feel a thousand times better.

He's the only person that really makes me feel heard.  He's also the only person that seems to really worry about me and how I'm feeling on a day-to-day basis.  In this family, I usually feel like I have to just take care of myself because Mom is so stressed out all. the. time., but Matt wants to protect me, he wants to take care of me, he loves me enough to actually worry about me.  As he said tonight, "You're my little sister. I'm gonna worry about you.  It's just how it is, it's how I am." 

How I feel right now reminds me of how I feel about my relationship with Jesus: Oftentimes, I feel that I've done nothing to deserve Matt's support and love and friendship.  And I know I'm completely undeserving of God's grace and mercy.  But I have them both.  Ain't life grand? :)

I went from crying my eyes out 24 hours ago to smiling like a mad woman.  It's an indescribable blessing to have a best friend that can turn around your worst day just by talking to you.  And you know what is the most relieving/best part about tonight?  The fact that I'm finally starting to feel okay that I'm "his little sister."  That when we're together, my feelings for him aren't the only thing I'm thinking about.  I'm not saying I'm totally over him because that'd be crazy - it's gonna take quite some time before that happens.  But it's a start.

Thank you God.

The hard parts of life.

It really sucks when the people you love most hurt you.
I don't even really know how to describe what I feel right now, so I'll just leave it at that to avoid saying something I'll regret later.
I will say this, however: Today was not a good day. Two months and eleven days left of summer.

In case you were wondering...

Here's a funny story I forgot to tell...

Monday night, we all went to a local restaurant to have dinner with Mommom, Uncle Kirk, Aunt Donna, Dusty, and Brianna to celebrate my aunt's birthday, which was last Friday.  I was sitting on a corner because I'm left handed with Uncle Kirk next to me, Aunt Donna across from me, and Dusty next to her.  We were talking while waiting for our food, and I mentioned still needing to find a job.  Aunt Donna told me that they're hiring at China Garden.  I said, "I don't know if I can physically handle waitressing." (which is true)  Immediately, Dusty looked at me 100% seriously and said, "You're not very Chinese, either."

So in case you hadn't figured it out yet, I'm not Chinese.  Not in the least little bit.  In fact, I'm not any Asian nationality. :D

(Family dinners are so much more fun now that Dusty and I get along so well.)

Staying Out of It

I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut. (Big shocker, I know.)

There's a couple reasons for it. 

First off, I'm just a naturally outspoken human being.  I speak my mind (most of the time, anyway).  I don't lie.  In fact, sometimes I'm too honest.

Second, I'm defensive of those I love.  That's something I've mentioned several times before.  So, for example, when Chelsea is in a particularly hostile mood, every part of me wants to get in her face and defend my mom.  Standing up for the people I love is just a part of me.  I'm ridiculously loyal, just ask Matt.

The more I grow up, though, the more I've realized that maybe all of those times my mom yelled at me to "stay in my room and stay out of it", she might've actually been onto something. Yes, me defending her is sweet.  But it doesn't help matters when Chelsea's in a rage.  All it does is make her come after me with a string of insults and make my blood pressure and heartrate rise.  It's not like it makes Chelsea back down at all.  It pisses her off more.

So since she's been in a particularly hostile mood this week, I've been trying really, really, really hard to stay out of it.  Yes, I've failed miserably.  But I'm trying.  I'm working on myself.  And that is what God appreciates.

There is no score in a game like this.

Today I had a conversation on Twitter with a friend of mine, and I can't get it out of my head. I'll just show you the important part, as there's no need to bore you...

Me: Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my best friend Matt. Obviously I have a lot of work to do on my self-esteem. :-/
C: @callmemal13 Yes, you do. You deserve the best. *stern look*
Me: @C :) It's not that I think I deserve *bad* friends, I just sometimes feel like he does SO much for me & I don't do enough for him.
C: @callmemal13 It's a nice thing to want to do more for people, but make sure that the "I don't do enough" isn't your low self-esteem talking.
C: @callmemal13 Because I'm sure you do a lot and are always willing to help if you can.
Me: @C It probably is because he just never seems to need anything, you know? But him always being there to support me just makes me
Me: @C worry it'll become a one-sided friendship. Of course, we've known each other for nine years, so I'm probably just being silly.
Me: @C But you're right. I am always willing to help him in any way he needs me. He just, like I said, never needs me.
C: @callmemal13 I know I'm right. :-p Friends do not keep score. You're there for him IF he needs you. That's more than a lot of people get.

Friends do not keep score.  Such a simple sentence, yet it's given me a revelation today.

I'm a total perfectionist at heart.  I always want to be perfect at everything I do.  Failure scares me.  My need for perfection combined with the stresses in my life that have forced me to be the good child and people who have put pressure on me to be excellent leaves me with a feeling that what I do is never good enough.  Granted, sometimes it's no one's fault but my own.  I will be the first one to tell you that I am a completely Type A, controlling, high-stress girl.  Like I said, I want to be the best.  And while others may make me feel inadequate at times, I do it to myself just as much, so please don't take this as me blaming everyone else for my issues.

The situation today is 100% my own fault.  I've been clingy with Matt the past few days because of lots of stressful things that have been going on combined with the fact that he can't find the time to come over here.  I realized that this morning when I woke up, so I texted him to make sure he wasn't irritated with me.  He, of course, assured me he was fine, not mad, and is sorry he hasn't come over because he wants to be able to give me all of his attention and focus instead of leaving after 30 minutes like last Thursday.  Suffice to say, that conversation ended with me thinking What on earth did I do to deserve a friend like this?  I started thinking about how he is always there for me and to support me, and I never have to be there for him.  Hence the conversation with C.

And what she said really hit me.  Friends do not keep score.  It doesn't matter how many times he's been there to support me versus how many times I've supported him.  Maybe he's just lucked out in not having to deal with drama in his life for a while lately.  That doesn't change the fact that I will be there for him whenever he does need my support.  My being an emotional girl and him being a nonchalant guy does not make him a better friend than me.  And if he doesn't care about that kind of stuff, if he doesn't feel like I don't love him enough, why the heck should I?

He loves me.  I love him.  We're there for each other.  It's been almost nine years, and neither one of us is going anywhere.  That's all that really matters in the end.

Friends do not keep score.  Five simple words that brought on a huge epiphany.