Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Details

Remember the mystery event where I was freaked out to the point that I couldn't even tell you guys the details about what was happening?

Well here goes.

Remember Landon, Holly's ex? And how we talked through Facebook messages despite my mom being furious about it? And how I finally added him as my friend on Facebook because I just didn't care anymore?

Well, two days before I posted that mystery post, everything changed. Saturday night, March 26th, we were up late talking on Facebook. The conversation lasted a good two and a half hours. It was a very deep conversation sometimes and a very goofy, light-hearted conversation at other times. He was drunk, so I knew not to take anything he said, even some of the really deep stuff, too seriously. About two hours into the conversation, so about 1:15 am on the 27th, he asked me, "If I tell you something, would it offend you?" And I said no. He said, "Something sexual?" And by that I was obviously intrigued, so I said no again. He said, "I used to fantasize about you." I kinda laughed it off because I knew he was drunk, but then he kept going on about it, like how this one time years ago I answered the door in a towel. He said something like he hoped I wasn't offended, and I told him I wasn't. And here is where I screwed up: I should've stopped the conversation at the very first comment, but I didn't.

In fact, I may have kind of egged it on. Because I was enjoying hearing something like that for the first time.

After 25 or 30 minutes, though, I truly was getting uncomfortable, and I was tired, so I got off the computer and went to bed laughing. By the time I woke up, I had become way more rational and knew I needed to talk to him to clarify some things, like the fact that he and I know that things could probably never work out between us because of Holly. I spent all of that Sunday trying to text him, and got no response. So by that night, I went to find him on Facebook. He wasn't on my friends list, so I thought he deleted me. I went to people's pages whom I know he was friends with, and didn't find his profile on their lists, either. So for some bizarre, unexplainable reason, my immediate thought was that he deleted his profile. It wasn't till the next night that my friend Hannah (who has actually met him before) told me she found his profile, so he just blocked me.

He blocked me. With no explanation and no real reason. I felt blindsided. And absolutely heartbroken, which surprised me. And here's the thing.

I didn't realize how much I cared about him until he was gone.

Anyway, fast forward to this past Monday, and I was looking on Chelsea's FB at her friends, and I realized I could see his profile. So that was how I knew he unblocked me. So I sent him a message that basically said I want to know what the heck happened, and to please give me that much. I got back this:

"I got drunk, crossed the line, and promptly regained awareness of that line all in the same night." So basically he freaked the hell out.

I get that. I do. But that doesn't make how he responded okay.

So yesterday I responded with "So? I wasn't offended. I knew you were drunk. It really hurt me to wake up the next day to find you had blocked me and cut off all contact. Can we please have a real, adult conversation? No bullcrap, no barriers. I'm not a little girl anymore. I don't need to be protected or sheltered. Whatever you're hiding, I want to hear it. Because maybe I'm hiding some things, too."

I've yet to hear anything back. And if I don't by the morning, I already have written out what I'm going to send him. It basically spells out every detail of how I feel. It's bold, it's risky, but I feel like at this point I don't have any other choice. If he's not going to voluntarily give me closure, I'm going to have to take it myself.

Part of me is absolutely infuriated that he's lied to me, and part of me just feels really bad for him. He's obviously terrified of something. And I know I can't let myself get strung along forever, which is why if he isn't man enough to do it first, I'll say what I've got to say. Because I care about him that much, that deeply.

Oh, yes, you guessed it. I pretty much fell for my sister's ex-boyfriend.

Please don't judge. I know it's bad. And he and I both know what a disaster this is, and that we could probably never work out. But somehow, through all our conversations, I got feelings for him, feelings way stronger than I used to have. And you know what? I think he has feelings for me, too.

To be continued...

1 comment:

  1. Wowsa.
    From a girl who has been there done that (cousins)...
    I started a relationship years ago with my ex boyfriends cousin (share the last name but fathers despise each other and there are law suits, etc).
    It served it's purpose, but truth be told, it caused a LOT of a LOT...and considering I am back with my ex left some pretty deep scars...
    You have to think "is it worth it?"
    Trust me. I know what you are going through.
    The "cousin" and I had a very strong sexual connection...but the core of who we were was not in sync. It was fun for what it was, but I caused a lot of pain to my ex. Even to this day...I think the thought of me with him makes him sick.
    Alls I suggest is to think it through...and at the end of the day, is it worth it.