I've been thinking.
Whatever's going on between me and Matt...I don't even know what to call it...well, it isn't good for me. I feel like I'm having to beg the guy who is supposed to be my best friend just to talk to me. I don't want to be that girl. I'm not supposed to be that girl. I've already been that girl and it's dangerous. I'm tired of acting like the girl who just hangs on his every word. I'm better than that.
Do I love him? More than anything. Do I want to be with him? Absolutely. But more than anything, I miss the guy who was there for me no matter what. Who came to visit me at 2 in the morning just to talk and because he's the only person my mom would let in the house that late. I miss the guy who I could call just to rant about whatever new thing my family was doing to bug me. I miss the guy who took me in his arms, asked me if everything was okay, and reassured me that he was there for me when I told him it wasn't.
I keep telling myself that he's not going to be my whole world anymore, but I still end up the same hurting, crazy girl I always was. I used to think he was God's gift to me, that he was the one good thing in my life. Now, I'm beginning to wonder what I ever saw in him because every phone call and text I send to him that goes unanswered or unreplied breaks my heart a little bit more. I don't deserve that. No girl deserves that.
I don't hate him. I don't think it's physically possible for me to hate this kid. And it scares the hell out of me to think about the fact that I need to let him go. But I know that's what I have to do for my own sanity. I can't sit around and let myself get hurt just because I'm in love with him. For once, I'm learning that I have to watch out for myself.
If only I knew this when I was 13 because seriously, this situation with Matt keeps getting closer and closer to the situation I was in back then. And that's scary. I have to protect myself from getting heartbroken, even if this was a guy I literally saw myself spending forever with.
Maybe, if I could just talk to him, and he could be flat out honest with me and tell me that he's really not trying to hurt me and that he really does care about me, things could be different. But I don't expect much because in almost seven years, it's been a rare occasion for him to open up. (Isn't that how it is for most guys, though?)
My heart hurts. It just hurts. And I know I need to do something to change that. But my only fear is that letting him go could be a huge mistake, and then I'd be hurting even worse.
What to do, what to do.