Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I need strength.

If I thought Friday was bad, today has been pure hell.

Guess which one of my mom daughters is pregnant.

I'll give you three guesses, and it's not me or Holly.

She has no idea what this means. My mother is trying to talk some sense into her, and she just thinks life is going to be just what it's always been. She doesn't even know who the father is. And she refuses to accept the fact that when you don't have a place to live (because she is NOT staying here), a job, or a way to support yourself, you can't be a mother. She won't even consider putting it up for adoption because she's already using it to trap a guy into taking care of her. She actually laughed in my mother's face when the test turned positive.

And I have no idea why I'm so angry, but I am. I get so fed up with her saying unbelievably horrible things that I scream and say things that I normally would never say to anyone. I need strength to deal with her, strength I'm begging God to help me find, and it just makes me feel so broken. I'm supposed to love her unconditionally, and sometimes I don't know if I do.

I never thought I would wish a miscarriage on someone. But that's what I'm hoping happens. How sick is that? But it's because I sure don't want her to have an abortion, and she's not going to give it up, and if she actaully has this baby, my mom is going to have to fight and go to court and take custody away from her and my mom does not need that when she's already got so much work stress and family stress.

God, please help me....

And I turn to this blog to document my feelings because the people I know on here seem to never judge me.

I just feel so broken. I feel so lost and helpless and weak. And I know that the strength I need can only come from God. But sometimes I feel ignored. Even though I know He's always working, it feels like my prayers are being ignored when I'm constantly watching this family take a downward spiral.

God, please move quickly.


  1. Oh Mallory

    I so understand where you are coming from here. When my sister found out she was pregnant, we had similar concerns. She was older than you and your sisters, but her husband is an addict and she herself isn't that strong. Her son was born with some medical issues and now at 3 yrs old suffers from Failure to Thrive. It's a tough road for them and even though her "husband" is there, she does most of the work, feeding (he's on a tube) and medical things alone.

    I will pray for you guys.

    Remember, you won't be there much longer and your Mom has to be the one to make changes.

  2. Praying for your entire family... what a difficult summer.

    How many more hours until you leave for College? Could you request that they open the dorm early? :o)

  3. Mallory,

    I can't imagine how you're feeling right now - I know that I am a complete stranger and this is my first time ever commenting, but please know that you and your family are on my heart.

    If you'd like to get your mind off of things for a little bit, I wanted to tell you that when I graduated from high school, I dreamed of working in an embassy, too. Although that dream has changed since then, I majored in French and Religion in college and have traveled extensively abroad and just wanted to let you know that if you have any questions about college or just want to talk about anything related to what you want to do, let me know! I'd be more than happy to talk with you and would love to give you any information that I can.

    For now, be still and KNOW. God knows what He's doing, and none of what is going on with your family is a surprise to Him.

    Keep your chin up, love.



  4. Just remember that God is the author of life, and if He authorizes it, He will make it ok if you trust Him. Your faith will go along way. And when she has this baby, you may be the only view of stability. Regardless of what happens, it will be ok, and you can show that child normalcy, just by your actions. You just need to cover that baby (and her momma too!) in prayer. :) Praying for your family!