Monday, July 14, 2014

I'll be okay.

Last night I didn't sleep very much.  I tried to, but I just laid there for hours with my mind racing.  And then when I did fall asleep, I kept waking up because of bad dreams.  I think it's safe to say that my stress has turned into full-blown anxiety.

Either that or I really need to stop watching Law & Order: SVU because those dreams last night could be summed up as my life turned into an SVU case and it was terrifying.

Moving to a city like that scares me.  Because it's so big and I'm so small and it's basically the polar opposite of any life I've ever known.  And yes, because I have that nagging fear in the back of my head that what if something does happen to me, what if I do get attacked, and my family is a 12-hour drive away and I know absolutely no one around.  And there's so many money issues that I wonder how we'll ever get everything straightened out and paid for and how am I going to survive on the loan money I have left even with a part-time job once I pay for school and pay Uncle Ed back.

But I can't think like that.  I can't do that or I'll never get in the car.  And I have to get out of here.  I have to get out of Swansboro, out of North Carolina, or I'm going to lose it.  There's nothing for me to do here and it will drain the life right out of me if I were stuck here for another year.  Mom asked me today if I wanted to reconsider applying to state schools and I immediately said no.  I know I'm supposed to be there.

At least that's what I believe.  But you know what else I believe?  That the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go.  I will be protected.  And if I really am right that I am supposed to go to NYU next month, God will take care of the details.  God will make sure that the money issues work out.  Mom and Holly will find me an apartment next week.  I will be able to focus on all my school stuff but also pay the bills and stay fed.  I'm walking through this fog on faith that God will keep the doors open and clear out the mess so that maybe it won't be so foggy one day.

I've been telling myself a lot lately, especially during the past few weeks, that everything else has worked out up until now, the rest will work out, too.  I believe that if God didn't want me to go to NYU, I'd know the door was being shut.  These issues are just...temporary obstacles.

Yeah, God's got this.  The King who knows my heart and the number of hairs on my head isn't gonna just let me drown working toward this.

Man, I love how writing can help me sort things out.

Oh, and also, I got to have a lovely chat with Clayton today for his birthday.  I hope I never forget just how blessed and thankful I am to have been led to him and my other brothers.  It meant so much when even he said today that he didn't think us meeting was an accident. :)

I believe I'll be okay.

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