I know I said in a lot of my blog posts during that time that I was trusting God, and that I knew there was a reason and a plan for what happened. But I've got a confession to make: Most of the time, I was forcing myself to say the words in hopes that, if I said enough, I really would believe it. 90% of the time was spent in anger and frustration, wanting to know why that had to happen to me, why I was chosen to deal with all that when all I wanted was to go to college.
I'm still waiting for the answer.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing this "Christian" thing right. I believe in God. I know I do. But I can't seem to figure out, when times get hard, how to remember that God really is in control. And I just feel like, if my faith was in the right place, I wouldn't have such trouble remembering that.
In Angie Smith's book, "I Will Carry You," she talks about when Mary and Martha were waiting for Jesus to come after they had sent word to him that their brother Lazarus was sick. When Jesus finally arrives, Lazarus has already died, but when speaking with Him, Mary and Martha both use the phrase, "Kai nyn." Even now. Even then they trusted him when they were upset over losing their brother.
I want to be the girl who, when faced with six brain surgeries and staph pneumonia all in three months, still says kai nyn. Even now I know that you are in control. Even now I know you have a plan for this. Even now I know that you will redeem my hurt.
I do love Jesus. But my Type A personality is still trying to learn to let go. Retrospect is the easy part. After a rough period is over, it's always much easier to say that I know God has a plan for what happened. This time is harder. A lot harder. I have to learn that impatience is not useful with God because this is all in His timing.
Ironically enough, Angie's husband Todd is in the Christian group Selah, and their song "Unredeemed" has been speaking to me, as well. Especially this part:
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle
The Father has in store
Lord, help me to get over myself and remember that You will redeem this. Help me to remember that You always make beauty from the ashes. Help me to trust You wholeheartedly. Because even now, I believe in You.
Kai nyn.
Oh my goodness, I LOVE this post!!! I am totally Type A like you and deal with the same thing. Allowing Him to be in control. Knowing that 'even now' He's with me. He has His hands on EVERYTHING. He is, after all, our Ultimate Father.
ReplyDeleteAgain, beautiful post, Mallory. This book has been ministering to me, as well, and I know it will be a book that I read over and over and OVER again. :)
Awesome post! I struggle with trusting that He is in complete control and surrendering it all. I think it's just something that we as humans have trouble with accepting. But wasn't the book great? I finished it the day I got it, and just this afternoon I found myself picking it up and reading it again.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. I'm a bit of a control freak. It's hard to trust that someone/somewhere is capable of guiding me, holding me, protecting me. I've always been of the "if you want it done right, do it yourself" kind of mindset.
ReplyDeleteLike you, it's easier for me to see after the fact. Just know that it's OK to struggle with this. The struggle really does count for something. You are STRIVING for the right attitude. And with prayer, determination, and TIME you WILL get there. Focus on the way you want to be. Pray that not just your heart, but your mind also to be changed (that's my prayer).
Mostly, I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and praying that the peace you seek will come your way.
(((HUGS)))
AJ