I've been thinking a lot about last fall lately...well, a lot more than usual. It all seems like it was yesterday. I still remember everything - the sights, the smells, the pain, and most of all, the fear and sadness.
I know I said in a lot of my blog posts during that time that I was trusting God, and that I knew there was a reason and a plan for what happened. But I've got a confession to make: Most of the time, I was forcing myself to say the words in hopes that, if I said enough, I really would believe it. 90% of the time was spent in anger and frustration, wanting to know why that had to happen to me, why I was chosen to deal with all that when all I wanted was to go to college.
I'm still waiting for the answer.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing this "Christian" thing right. I believe in God. I know I do. But I can't seem to figure out, when times get hard, how to remember that God really is in control. And I just feel like, if my faith was in the right place, I wouldn't have such trouble remembering that.
In Angie Smith's book, "I Will Carry You," she talks about when Mary and Martha were waiting for Jesus to come after they had sent word to him that their brother Lazarus was sick. When Jesus finally arrives, Lazarus has already died, but when speaking with Him, Mary and Martha both use the phrase, "Kai nyn." Even now. Even then they trusted him when they were upset over losing their brother.
I want to be the girl who, when faced with six brain surgeries and staph pneumonia all in three months, still says kai nyn. Even now I know that you are in control. Even now I know you have a plan for this. Even now I know that you will redeem my hurt.
I do love Jesus. But my Type A personality is still trying to learn to let go. Retrospect is the easy part. After a rough period is over, it's always much easier to say that I know God has a plan for what happened. This time is harder. A lot harder. I have to learn that impatience is not useful with God because this is all in His timing.
Ironically enough, Angie's husband Todd is in the Christian group Selah, and their song "Unredeemed" has been speaking to me, as well. Especially this part:
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle
The Father has in store
Lord, help me to get over myself and remember that You will redeem this. Help me to remember that You always make beauty from the ashes. Help me to trust You wholeheartedly. Because even now, I believe in You.