The Sounds of Silence

(posted after the fact due to computer disaster)

You know what's freaky?

Being in a dorm when 98% of the people are gone.  It's Wednesday night, and basically everyone except for international students, athletes, and those who simply live too far away to go home, left hours ago because tonight was the start of Fall Break.

Like seriously, it's practically a ghost town.  The parking lot next to my dorm also serves the two guys' dorms that my dorm is connected to, and there are maybe five cars out there right now, not including Mom's.  It's quiet.  One washer is running.  There's no screaming coming from the lobby. 

It's actually pretty nice, though.  Silence is rather hard to find when you live in a college dorm.  :)

I'm so glad it's Fall Break.  If only because it means I don't have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow.  9:30 is SO much more appealing.

Mom took me to dinner off campus tonight in the next town over.  It was delicious and cheap, our favorite kind of meal. Haha!

I'm lucky to have a mom who doesn't complain about missing a day of work to take me to Duke.  My grandma could easily take me, but after the disaster that was my last "check-up" appointment, I think she was just as scared for me to go without her as I was.

My mom is awesome.

You know what's also awesome?

Sleep. :)

Thank you, Jesus!

For computer labs, and unattentive computer lab workers. :)

And for the fact that the computer service guy here at school said it just looks like a major virus got on my laptop and they should be able to clean it up! 

I'll have my computer back by Monday at the very latest! :) (And that's only because this weekend is Fall Break.)

Yay for good news!

Computer Jinx

Y'all know Holly got in a car wreck in April and totaled her car.  Then, this summer this new (to her) car started having a bunch of problems, and then, when she and her friend Austin came down to Campbell to help me move in, his car died in the parking lot and Mom had to drive them back to Raleigh.  Holly called herself a "car jinx."

Well, just call me a computer jinx.

Ugh.

So last night, my not-even-four-month-old computer crashed.

Okay, well I don't know if it really completely crashed, all I know is I can't use it right now.

I was reading an article about Sara on some website called The Christian Post when my virus scan popped up and said it had detected a threat.  I clicked "Clean Computer" and it did, but it popped up again a minute later, and when I clicked "Clean Computer" again my computer went completely ballistic, the recycle bin disappeared (which I didn't know it could ever do that), and this box popped up that says I have this ginormous long list of problems with my hard drive.  I have no idea what happened or how it happened.

I immediately called my mom sobbing.  She calmed me down a bit, but I basically had to take a Lorazepam to fall asleep because I was so shaken up that I got in bed at 9:30 and didn't fall asleep till 11:00.

I'm still internally freaking out.  I didn't do anything to this one!  I didn't drop it.  I didn't spill anything on it!  I've done nothing to it!  And I don't have any extra money in my CD money to buy another one, and my mom certainly has no money, and my grandma is so pissed about having to help Mom out that I know she has no money, and I need a laptop!  I have this gigantic Scope & Methods project, plus an English paper.

Ugh.  So yes, this all is basically for me to say that once again, I will not be around for a while.  Thankfully I'm going home this weekend for Fall Break, so please pray that the computer place in town can fix it!  Thank you. 

God is in control...God is in control...God is in control...

We southerners know how to EAT.

Today was good.  Very good.  Long, yes, but still very good.

Hooray for me actually getting up on time, because I certainly did not want to.  I got up at 7:00 and turned my shower on because it takes a ridiculously long time for it to heat up.  I laid back down but didn't really sleep for 15 minutes.  Then, I took a shower, got ready, ate, cleaned a little bit.  Holly arrived approximately 9:20, and to my surprise, her boyfriend, whom I had yet to meet before today, was with her.

Michael is awesome.  He is such a dork, but that's a good thing.  He's full of ridiculously stupid riddles and if he was awake, he had me laughing.  Personality wise, he reminds me a lot of Matt.  We got along great.  Oh and those riddles? Well, uh here's Exhibit A: 
What's black and white, black and white, black and white?
Answer: A penguin rolling down a hill.
What's black and white and laughing?
Answer: The penguin that pushed him.
Stupid? Oh yes.  But this morning, I thought it was hilarious.  Really, though.  He's awesome.  Super polite, good manners, and seems to absolutely adore Holly, as she does him.  All in all, he passed the sister test. :)

I called Mom on the way and found out that Blake is still in tons of pain because he still has two ear infections despite being on antibiotics all week, which meant she couldn't come. So say a prayer that the poor boy gets better soon. :(

We arrived at this freakin' GIGANTIC golf resort convention center right at noon, only to be told  that the party for my Great-Aunt Dinah was actually in the equally gigantic building next door.  My Uncle Ed (Dinah's husband, they're the two that pay for me to go to Campbell) built the entire resort.  No wonder they had the party here! :)  And it's a little crazy to think that this is just one of I-don't-know-how-many resorts he's built.  It's a little surreal to know I'm related to people this rich! :p

It was good to see all the extended family, but it was a bit of a headache to remember which people belonged to each of my Grandma Frances and Aunt Dinah's siblings (and there were a LOT of siblings), and who their kids were, and the spouses and on and on and on.  When do you don't sleep more than once a year, sometimes not even that much, and then you stick 80 of them in a room together, it's a little difficult to remember how you're all related.  Haha!

One good thing about being a part of this family?  We all, rich or poor, know how to throw a party!  The key? Food.  I've never been to a region/country that loves food and knows how to eat well as much as the South.  :)  There was salad, fried chicken, ham, mashed potatoes, baked macaroni and cheese, green beans, bread, and collard greens.  Your typical good old-fashioned Southern meal.  Let me tell you, it was DELICIOUS.  And then there was cake.  I don't know what was so special about this cake, but it was insane (in a good way), so moist and with awesome chocolate frosting.  Mmm mmm mmmmm.

I managed to get a few pictures today.  They're not very good quality, so I blame Michael, since he took them all. :D  But they're still sweet, and should be documented.

I knew I should've gotten another one with a flash, but Michael insisted it wasn't necessary. Oh well. Yay sisters!



Me, Holly, and our Uncle Mark (Dad's older brother)



us with our Grandma Frances

me with my cousin Emily's (Mark's daughter) daughter Ava. she is such a sweet girl!

And just because I think it's cute, a picture of the two lovebirds :)

Now, I have to go finish reading a chapter for my History quiz tomorrow.  I'm glad I got almost all my homework done yesterday because I am really tired!
Yay for short weeks!  Fall Break is this Thursday and Friday, and that makes me really happy! :D

Nothing exciting happened today.

I slept in till 10:30.

I read.

I read some more.

I watched football.

I did all my laundry.

I read a little more.

I shaved.

And now I'm about to read some more and then go to bed because 7:00 is early.  In case you weren't already aware.

Also, 2011 is now 75% over.  That's crazy.

I hate hell weeks.

When Holly was a freshman in college, she started calling weeks when she had a bunch of tests right in a row "hell weeks."  I thought that was a weird phrase, and if I remember correctly, also thought she had to be exaggerating.  (Holly is more often than not a very dramatic person, especially when she's stressed or tired, so this was a plausible reaction.)

Heh.  Well, I like to imagine God was making a note of that in my life's book for a few years down the line when I became the college student.

Two tests last Thursday.
One test Monday.
One test that I was supposed to take Wednesday but ended up taking Thursday because I missed class.

I don't think I've slept through the night since about last Monday.  Not to mention that my migraines have been out of control (surprise, surprise), which made everything just that much more fun.

But hey, I survived.  It's Friday.  I can sleep in tomorrow.  And basically the only homework I have this weekend is a bunch of reading.  And that's about as low-stress as my homework list can get.  And I pretty much get a break on Sunday because I'll be going to Sunset Beach and back.  That'll probaby be an all-day deal.

So yes, in the end, I will publicly announce: Holly was right.  "Hell week" is an appropriate name.  And I am grateful that I do not have another one of those in the near future.

Friends

What do you do when two of your good friends were best friends and then suddenly had a falling out?

That's what Kyle said happened between him and Ryann.  I only found out because I texted him about the soccer game not knowing this was the case and mentioned Ryann.

Um yeah.  That was awkward.

And if something happened that could be considered "falling out" happened between those two, then it's bad.  I didn't think anything could end that.  I'm surprised Ryann didn't tell me, but I guess she just didn't want to talk about it.

I hate seeing my friends hurt.  And when it's two friends?  Agh.  I just don't know what to do.  Kyle said he didn't want to talk about it, so I just told him if he needed me I'm here.  I texted Ryann the same thing, that I wasn't going to pressure her to tell me, but that I was curious, and I'm here for her.  All of which is true.

But you want to know something?  I'm really curious!  Call me nosy, but I just can't help but wonder what could've ended that.  They were so close, people have thought they were dating.  And last I knew, they were...them.  So this is just weird.

I am nosy, but I'm mostly just concerned for both of them.  Because they're my friends, and that's how friends react. 

I just hope this doesn't end up with a "Mal in the middle" type situation. 

Because that?  Would suck.

Look what I found.

This was taped to an elevator button in the building where I have most of my classes.

No note, no signature, nothing.

And it just makes me smile.  I love going to a Christian university.

God's messages show up in mysterious ways. :)

It's not me.

If the reaction that I had to the song I posted yesterday was considered a pat on the cheek, today was like I had a wrestler pick me up, spin me around, and body slam me into the ground.

Today, I was standing in my History professor, Dr. Stanke's office talking with her.  We know each other well because I've had her three times now, so we were talking about some medical issues she's been having and she was asking me how I've been doing with these migraines, and other stuff, when she said something that still shocks me.

Mallory, the way you deal with stuff, it amazes me. You're inspirational.

I have never been so humbled in my entire life.

I also kind of feel like I've failed because the way she said that, and the things she said after that made me realize that she was giving me the credit.  And if there's anything that I've realized over the past 3 years, it's that I really have nothing to do with it.

It's not me. 

I'm not strong in the least.

I'm not special, or superior, or given a gift that means I can handle medical issues better than any other person.

When I was laying in that hospital bed after being told my shunt had a staph infection, and I had to make the decision of whether or not I was going to drop out of Campbell for the semester, I was broken.  I was screaming at God in my mind wondering why He was doing this to me.  I cried for probably the first 24 hours of that stay.  Straight.

When I was in the hospital barely breathing from the staph pneumonia, I was begging God to either stop the problems or just kill me because I couldn't handle it anymore.  If that's not weak, I don't know what is.

I did what I did because I had to.  I didn't have any other choice.  It was as if I was a guest at a party called My Life.

God is the only reason I came out of the past two years with my sanity still intact.  He used me and broke me so that it could be crystal clear just how obvious it is that I couldn't do it on my own.

The only inspirational thing about my story is the fact that God has used me to help others appreciate their lives more.  Me, some shy, lonely little girl in the middle of North Carolina.  He used me to help other people face life with a more positive view.  And I'll be honest, the first time I had a friend tell me that she appreciated her life and "how easy she had it", I was just as blown away as I am right now.  Like, really...he used me?  He picked me?

This is Him.

Every positive thing that has come out of my life and my story is Him.

It's not been my doing.  It never has been.  And it never will be.

I know that now. 

Apparently, though, I need to do a better job at making sure other people know that.

Hit Hard

Do you know how it feels when you find a song that hits you like a ton of bricks, a song that feels like God gave it to the songwriter just so you could hear it, and you're just so moved you can hardly think straight?

Yeah, this song does that to me.  (Thanks, Laura A. for sending it!)

Every time he goes, she dies

Every time she comes, she cries

He was her long, bright future
In the middle of a wrong, dark road
He loved her, but he wasn't too sure
If he could return the love she showed

When she said, my love extends
Beyond the realm of being friends
He kissed her head
And quietly he said

It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me
She said, how beautiful do I have to be?
When I look in the mirror, you're the only thing I see
And I have loved you beautifully

Well, ten thousand tears passed by
But she never let him see her cry
And he called up down one night
He said, let's get in the car and just drive

He talked a lot about loneliness
But why, she didn't know
And some song about Memphis
Was playing on the radio

She said, let's stop the car and slow dance
Won't you just give me a chance?
He took her hand
And hoped she'd understand

It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me
She said, how beautiful do I have to be?
When I look in the mirror, you're the only thing I see
And I have loved you beautifully

Well, she'll burn that bridge
And build a house
And swallow the smoke in her mouth
She'll feel the burn
And then make the choice
To put the fire in her voice

It's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me
She said, how beautiful do I have to be?
When I look in the mirror, you're the only thing I see
And I have loved you beautifully

This is who I am.  After all the times I've been hurt by guys who abused the fact that I loved them deeply (as a friend or otherwise), after 3 years of pretty much begging Matt to love me the way I love him, I'm finally realizing the truth:  Second to God, I have to love myself before anyone else.  I have to take care of me.  I can't rely on anyone else to give me the happiness that I can only find in my relationship with God.

Also, I can't change myself and think that some man will love me for it if he didn't love me to start with.  If you change yourself for someone, you'll only end up disappointed because that person will never be happy, no matter what changes you make.  There is a man out there who will love me exactly the way that I am!  Matt's told me I'm beautiful, he's just not attracted to me.  There is a man out there who will not just think I'm beautiful, but be madly in love with me.  God gave me the desire to be a wife and a mother, and He WILL fulfill those desires.  I just have to get it through my thick, stubborn head that I have to WAIT FOR IT.

Listen to the song! :)