Status: Stoked

Today was overall absolutely awesome.

First off, I got to have lunch with this kid.

This is Ryan.  He and I were in Municipal Government together this semester, the only two Liberals (besides Dr. Mero) against six Conservatives.  He is so much fun, and we became good friends this semester.  A ood part of the lunch was spent laughing about how much fun that class was.  My Public Policy class next semester is going to be weird without him or Patrick in there, Patrick's the guy I spent about half of every class debating with.  Thankfully, Ryan said he's coming back down in the spring to visit friends, so hopefully we'll get the chance to hang out again.

After that, I went to my Comparative Foreign Government final with Dr. Thornton.  Despite not studying nearly as much as I should have, I actually think I did really well on it!  So that was a relief.  This class really reassure me that I'm in the right field.  I LOVED learning the material for this class.

Then, the best part of my day happened:  Dr. Thornton always hands your term paper back when you hand in your final exam.   I got a 98 on mine!  A NINETY-EIGHT on a paper from Dr. Thornton is a miracle!  That man is notorious around campus for being a really tough grader on his papers.  And this term paper (mine was on Denmark) was 30% of my overall grade, and I wrote it in the span of like 28 hours, so I completely flipped when I saw my grade!

Then, as I was heading back to my dorm, I ran into Patrick, who was standing in the middle of Academic Circle smoking a victory cigar for being done with undergrad classes.  See, here's the thing about me and Patrick.  We got on each other's nerves constantly during the semester, but we actually like and respect each other!  We stood there laughing and talking and teasing each other for like 15 minutes.  He even congratulated me on my paper grade from Thornton because he took the class last fall, so he knows how hard it is to please Thornton.  He even gave me a hug before I had to go grab a snack.  (Alex also took the class last fall, and he, too, flipped when I texted him my grade.  So I knew I wasn't overreacting, haha!)

After that, I just went and got a bite to eat and hung out until Mommom got there, and then I loaded up the car, checked out with my RA, and left.

Mom made chicken and pastry for dinner tonight, and she's making lemon rosemary chicken tomorrow.  Do ya think she missed me? :D

Of course, this house turned out to be exactly like I expected it to be, but thankfully I got to see my sweet Blake man, because he makes everything better, and I had several friends texting me and Glee to keep me distracted.

Oh, and my sweet, sweet friend Laura surprised me and sent me Radical by David Platt.  Now I don't have to spend some of my Christmas money on that.  My friends are the best!  I can't wait to start reading it.  I'm just too tired tonight; I'm giving myself a night of a Glee marathon.

Twenty-seven days of freedom.

I am officially a senior.

I have three semesters standing between me and graduation.  That's mind-blowing.

I couldn't be more excited.

One More Night

This time tomorrow, I'll be back in Swansboro, done with finals, and officially considered a senior.  Even though I won't be graduating until May 2014, that's still pretty crazy to think about.  Next semester is going to be very bittersweet for me because Ryann's graduating. Ah, but I'm not going to think about that right now.  Why get ahead of myself, right?

Today was a good day.  I spent the whole morning at Theater Church, which automatically makes for a good Sunday.  I'm really going to miss being there, since I won't be able to go back until January 13th.  It's amazing how a place I've only been going to for two months has come to be so dear to me, but I meant it when I said that that church felt like home from the second I walked in the doors.  I'm so thankful that my first foray back into church after being gone for so many years was to a place where the whole crowd made me feel like I belonged from the very beginning.  After my last experience at church, that was a relief that I can't adequately explain.

Then, I came back and took a nap.  And that's always grand.

Then, I took a shower and ate dinner.

Then, a girl came over so I could help her study for our Comparative Foreign Government final tomorrow.

Then, I spent hours finishing the study guide for that.

Then, I packed up all my stuff so I don't have to worry about getting it done tomorrow, because I'm honestly not quite sure how long this exam is going to take me to finish, and Mommom is getting here not long after the time block for my final ends.

Now, I'm just going to sit here and play Solitaire or just goof off and listen to music until I feel like going to bed.

To be perfectly honest, part of me is really excited about being done for the semester and getting a break, and part of me is dreading going home for four full weeks because....well, because I know and y'all know how toxic my family's house is.  Pray for me.  Pray I can be Jesus to them.  I want this time to be different.

When you don't have to try.

Saturday finals.  Blah.  Not cool of the registrar.  But oh well, at least mine was at noon instead of 8 am, and it was Municipal Government so it was easy.  And I just looked and I got an A on it which means I got an A in the class, so yay for that.  I also got an A in Human Diversity.  This may be the first semester where I get straight As...only one class I'm not confident about, so we'll see.

Anyway, after that, I went to eat lunch and then spent a very long time on the phone with Caitie.  Like, an hour and 46 minutes long, and it was just so much fun.  We laughed, she gushed about Bruno, I gushed about a boy who shall remain nameless, and basically just became even closer than we were before.  When I looked at my phone towards the end of the conversation and realized how much time had passed, we both agreed that it didn't feel nearly that long.  It was just all around a great conversation with a girl that I adore.

I was sitting here trying to think about what to blog about tonight, and my mind kept going back to that part of the conversation when Caitie said how easy it is for us to talk to each other.  And I realize that I have so many people in my life now that are the exact same way.  Her, the band, Kyla, Ryann, Matt, Alex (I could go on), I don't have to try to have a friendship with any of them.  Things just are the way they are.  All of these friendships are ones that just clicked right from the start.  I felt free enough to be myself and was accepted as I am.  These people love me for who I am, I don't feel obligated to try and impress them.

These are real friends.  I've finally been given the chance to experience real love from people who hold no expectation of me other than that I love them, an expectation I gladly meet.  They listen to me, they respect me, and probably the biggest deal of all to me, they forgive me.  When I was in grade school, the "friends' I had surrounded myself with were the kind of people that left as soon as I screwed up and seemed to take pleasure in telling me it was all my fault.  I am now SO incredibly blessed to surround myself with people who have seen me at some of my worst moments and choose to love me, anyway.

All of this, all of them, it brings me back to my being a child of God and walking with Jesus.  These kids show me Christ every time they stick by me.  And just like I don't have to try to be friends with any of them because they know how much I love them, I don't have to try to be a daughter of the King, I just am because I love Him.  I don't know about you, but for someone as Type A, perfectionist, control freak I am, that's both a huge struggle for me to accept and SUCH a relief.  It's a relief because it reminds me that my salvation isn't going anywhere, but it's also a huge struggle for me because I still have a hard time believing that it's true.  Several of these friends know that sometimes I look at them or think about them and part of me just can't believe they're real, that I really have people that are this loyal and loving to me.  When it comes to God, take that feeling and multiply it about a hundred fold.  God loves me so much that He let His son die for me, and then He pulled me out of an extremely deep, dark valley where I hated Him and cursed Him and carried me to the top of the mountain.

Every day I try harder than the day before to stop questioning things so much, to stop overthinking things to the point that I feel crazy.  It's definitely something I'm still working on, and I probably will be for a while.  But I think that when I am finally able to just accept things as they are and appreciate them instead of wondering why they're here and when they're going to leave, the peace I feel in so many other aspects of my life is only going to get bigger and grow deeper.

In the meantime, I am beyond grateful that I have so much love in my life, both from people I can touch and the God that I cannot, that isn't dependent on whether or not I'm a bit of a loon. :)

Sometimes plans change.

I had plans for both lunch and dinner with two different friends today, and they both got canceled in the past 24 hours because, well, we're in the middle of finals week and school things happen and they have to come first.  Thankfully, the dinner plans got rescheduled for lunch on Monday, because the guy who's the other half of the equation is graduating next weekend and then is moving back to New York where he's from, so it's likely that I will never see him again.  Lunch was with Morgan, but she isn't graduating until May, so we'll have next semester to hang out some. :)

But anyway, yeah, I suddenly found myself with a very open day today.  At first, I was disappointed, but you know, the day turned out to be pretty awesome anyway.

I finished reading Crazy Love.  I know, right?  The girl who just yesterday said reading was never really a hobby read an entire book in less than 24 hours.  I don't even know what to say about it quite yet.   There's a lot to process.  Chan hit several of my biggest struggles and insecurities in his words.  I think I'm going to read it again once finals are over and I get home before I say anything else because there's so much in there, I'm sure I'll see something new the second time through.

I had a very long talk with Taylor.  It started out with me processing the book and asking him questions, but then, as my conversations with him always do, turned to a lot of other things.  I'm such a words of affirmation person that hearing simple things like "I'm proud of you" from someone who knows me, especially someone who knows the ugly parts of my life like he, Matt, and Ryann do, really can make my day.  :)  Believe it or not, being 100% vulnerable with someone is still a difficult thing for me to do, so to know that I have a friend that I can be that open with and never be judged is such a comfort.  It's nice to have a place you can go and be completely open in talking about your faith and your walk with Christ and your questions and struggles and not fear anyone telling you you're not good enough.

I edited a friend's personal statement for their law school application.  I am such a grammar nerd - does anyone else volunteer to proofread their friends' papers, essays, personal statements, books, and the like, or is it just me?  Ah well, it's fun for me, it's something I'm good at, and I got to help someone I care dearly about.  That's good enough for me.

I got my practice essays/studying for tomorrow's final (BOO SATURDAY FINALS, this is new hopefully the registrar really is getting rid of this like a professor told me) done at a good hour, and I feel good about the exam tomorrow.

And I listened to a lot, and I mean A LOT, of music.  That's always a good day for me.

So yeah, I'm happy. :)

 

Wanted

I've never been a big fan of reading.  Surprising, right?  Especially for someone as big of a nerd as I am.  But it was just never something I liked spending my free time doing.  Maybe because I'm the kid who does all her reading assignments for class so the last thing I wanted to do in my free time is pick up a book, maybe because I prefer things to be acted out in front of me so I can see it to understand it instead of just hearing about it.  I don't know.  The point is that books were never really my thing.

Over the past few years, thanks to an online Christian book club hosted by two of my favorite bloggers, I slowly started coming into the world of reading for fun.  I wasn't able to participate in all of the studies because of school and whatnot, but the books I did read captivated me just as much, if not more than, the accompanying videos did.  Still, though, I can't remember the last time I read a book simply because I wanted to.

Until now.

Last Tuesday, I was talking to Taylor about the blog post from the night before and his reaction to it.  In the middle of the conversation, he asked for my address.  "I may have a present for you."  We had just talked about Radical by David Platt, so I asked if he was sending me that book.  All he told me was that it was a different book, but a book, yes.  That little stinker loves his surprises!  :)

After confirming with him that he had gotten the book in the mail, I went to the post office Monday afternoon and pulled out this.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  I could hardly believe what I was holding when I opened the package.  I've wanted to read this book for quite some time, but had never mentioned it to Taylor, and here, he had sent me a book I was planning on buying myself with my Christmas money (along with Radical).  God is in the details, and I have such sweet friends.

Now, I was originally planning on waiting to start reading this until after finals were over, but I was sitting here in my room tonight relaxing in the relief that all my papers were handed in on time, and I kept looking at the book sitting on my desk.  Actually, staring was more like it.  I felt this urge to pick it up.  So I did.

In the preface, Chan writes, "This book is written for those who want more Jesus.  It is for those who are bored with what American Christianity offers.  It is for those who don't want to plateau, those who would rather die before their convictions do."  And I knew right then that God wanted me to read this book, because I don't want to plateau.  I don't want to ever wake up one day and not feel this overwhelming excitement for what God has done.  I don't want to ever not be on the verge of exploding with the desire to know Him better than I did the day before, the hour before, the minute before.

Chapter 1 and the accompanying videos on Chan's website spoke to one of my biggest struggles: coming to terms with the fact that God is a God who created everything that exists - He created every galaxy, every planet, every star - and yet He still screams with a burning desire to know me.  I spent too much of my life running away from that simply because I was full of guilt over believing I didn't deserve the attention.  Now, I can't run, because I'm too busy staring in awe at the knowledge that after everything I've done, He still wants me.

In Chapter 3, Chan talks a bit about the relationship (or lack thereof, really) he had with his dad and how that affected His view of God.  It was something I could completely relate to.  While Chan and I come from opposite sides of the situation (he lost his mom, I lost my dad), I could relate to how it made him feel like he didn't deserve God's love, patience, and mercy.  It reminded me of how I spent so long trying to find my worth in broken people who could never satisfy the need I have for love.  Growing up without a father figure can leave a girl without knowing her self-worth or how she really deserves to be treated.  That was me, every single day, for a very long time, so desperately just wanting to be loved, thinking because the only guys that ever paid attention to me were the ones that lied to, used, and emotionally destroyed me that that was all I deserved.  It still is my sisters.  I watch them putting their entire worth into whatever guy is paying attention to them, and my heart just breaks because they have no idea what they're missing.

He also spoke about how people, in our arrogance, act like God owes us an explanation for what He chooses to do in our lives.  Guess what: God doesn't owe us anything when He already gave us everything just to save us from ourselves.  Prayer, at least for me, too often sounds like a drive-through order, and then I stomp my feet wondering why God won't just give me what I want when I'm a good person and I'm nice to people and don't I deserve something good in return?!

Ha.  Forgive me, Father, for I know not what I do.

The biggest lesson for me, though, was probably about what prayer is.  Sometimes I get so caught up in feeling like I'm not doing this Christian thing right that prayer starts to feel like I'm just talking to myself.  I forget that God hears everything I say and think, no matter where I am or what it is.  But here's what I learned tonight - prayer doesn't always have to be about words.  After all, God already knows all of our thoughts before we think them. He knows what we want to pray about even when our hearts hurt so badly that they keep us from finding the words.  Sometimes, prayer is just about sitting in awe of the magnificent, holy, perfect, loving God that we serve.  And I've definitely been doing a lot of that tonight.

If you're reading this, when you leave here, I pray that if you leave only having learned one thing, that that one thing is this:  You are wanted.  No matter what the world tells you, whether you're already a Christian and have been your entire life or have never been one but have been wondering what this whole Jesus thing is about, you are wanted.  There is a God waiting for you, waiting to give you the love that you've been searching for in all the wrong places.  You feel insignificant to people in your life, but you are not, you never have been, and you never will be insignificant or unimportant to the One who created you and knew you before you existed.

Let go of your past.  Quit beating yourself up for those mistakes.  Give your heart to God, and Jesus will bend down, lift up your face, look you straight in the eye and say, "I do not condemn you.  Go and sin no more."

You are protected.  You are loved.  You are wanted.  And that's never going to change.

Hallelujah.

Almost exactly 48 hours after I finished my first French paper, I finished my second French paper.

It's 2:30 am, and I am finally done with all my term papers.  YAY!!!!  I feel like I can breath easy now.  The three actual tests I have left are going to be nothing compared to writing 17+ pages of French in basically 3 days.

It's a miracle I'm done this early, really, considering I didn't start writing until just after 10:00.  Thankfully, I had all my sources organized chronologically and labeled already.  I guess that shows how much I like writing/learning about the French Revolution - this paper took SO much less time than the Lit paper did!

Speaking of Lit, the final today was a lot easier than I expected it to be, so that was a relief.

Okay, that about sums up my day.  Thankfully my French History final is at noon, so I can sleep in until 10:00 and still have time to review my notes and all that, because I'm certainly too exhausted to do it now.

Of course, I'd like to say that the stress of having to write 3 papers in 5 days has taught me a lesson in procrastination, but let's be honest - I'm probably going to make a similar mistake next semester. :p

Hashtag: College Kid Problems.

Jesus wins.

I don't even know what to say.

I am overwhelmed.  And exhausted, can't forget exhausted.

I'm not supposed to be this exhausted before finals even begin.

But I am so overwhelmed right now that I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

I can feel satan gripping at every one of my insecurities and worries and fears and latching on.  About my migraines, my friendships, my grades/finals. That's got to be why something minor happened about 20 minutes ago and I broke down in tears.  But you know what?  Sometimes you just need to cry.

But I refuse to cower to a liar.  More than that, though, satan can't win.  My heart has already been won.  My battle has already been won.  JESUS WINS.  And that is something to rejoice about.

I'm adding something to my wall tonight to go with the other quotes I have.  It's actually something I got from Taylor (surprise, surprise).  Four simple words.

The Gospel is bigger.

And he was right.  No matter what is going on, the Gospel is bigger.  God is bigger.  And I am safe.  Hallelujah.

I can't believe I'm awake right now.

Actually, I can believe it because when you procrastinate on 3 papers until the very last week, you end up with some very late nights.

What I meant is that I can't believe my body is allowing me to be awake right now, considering it's 2:30 am, I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night, and I put in about 9 solid hours of writing a paper in French today on top of 4 classes and studying for a test.

But Hallelujah, one paper is done.  That means I only have one more left, and I actually like reading/writing about the French Revolution.

That doesn't matter right now, though.  All that matters is that I can sleep.  I wasn't letting myself go to bed tonight until I got this paper done.  I'm honestly amazed I'm done this early.  I'll still get a decent amount of sleep tonight because today was the last day of classes and tomorrow is reading day so I can sleep in.

Yay sleep.  I like sleep.

One week left.

Sustaining Grace

That was the message today at church.  And man, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Grace is the only thing that's going to get me to the 26th when I get to see my neurologist.

Grace is the only thing that's going to pull me through finals week and these last two papers that feel like they're never going to get done.

Grace is the only thing that's going to keep me moving when my heart is breaking over a myriad of things going on at home.

Grace will be the only thing to get me to survive 4 weeks at home.

Pastor Sean and the guy who gave his testimony today both talked about something that caught my attention in a big way.  It's something I've heard many times before, but what came after really jumped out at me today.  They were preaching on how there's nothing that we can ever do, give, or be to earn our salvation.  But furthermore, there is nothing we can ever do, give or be to keep our salvation, either.

Think about it.  If keeping our salvation was dependent on our ability to hold on to it, we'd all be lost causes because we'd certainly screw that up just like we screw most everything else up.  Humans, yeah, we're not talented as we tend to think we are.

I know.  That sounds really mean and offensive, doesn't it?  But here's the catch, the good news: We don't have to worry about fighting to keep our salvation, anyway!  We don't have to struggle to maintain our grip on Jesus's hem as we feel our fingers slipping like we're about to fall off a rooftop.  Why's that?  Because He holds on to us.

Romans 4:5 says "However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness."

He justifies the wicked.  God looks at each of us in all our sinfulness and brokenness and SEES PERFECTION.  God has so much love for each one of us that He looks at us and sees us as equal to his actually perfect and completely blameless Son.  There's nothing to fight when you're good in the only Eyes that actually matter.

I don't know about you, but there are several people in my life right now that I'm having a hard time even tolerating, let alone loving them that completely.  After learning as much as I have (though I still have so far to go), I can't even imagine looking at someone, no matter how much I love them, and seeing them as clean and pure and wholly good.  That's why the love of this world will never be enough; we're humans, and we simply don't have the capacity to love that absolutely.

This is why we don't have to fight to keep our salvation.  Once He takes hold of the heart of one of His children, He's never letting go.  No matter what you do.  God is not some lazy parent who's going to wake up in a bad mood one day and decide He's tired of trying to keep an eye on you.  I think my life is evidence of that, no?  I spent about 12 years running as far away from God as I possibly could, and He still. held. on.

Doesn't that make you feel like you can take on the world?  It does me.  Knowing that I have the protection of the Almighty God, even if I'm a jerk, even if I'm lazy.  No matter what sin I commit, He's still watching and taking care of me.

If you are a Christian, if you LOVE God with a passion, He justifies you in your wickedness.  So stop beating yourself up for not being "good enough"; there's no such thing as good enough when you have a God who intentionally loves the sinful.

My friend Caitie told me the other day that me saying stuff out loud or writing it out helps bring it together for her, so even if all of this is stuff you already knew, I pray that reading it today brings you an added measure of peace.  Rest in the knowledge that He sees you, and He has made you clean.

You don't have to fight anymore.  His grace will sustain you if you will just be still.

I clearly have my priorities straight.

All work and no play makes Mal a dull girl.  That's why I try to find that balance between work and play that is oh-so-essential for me to, ya know, stay sane.

Well, one paper down, two to go.  I guess that's progress.

I didn't get nearly as much done as I should have because of my headache.  (I CANNOT WAIT to go see my neurologist at the end of the month.)  So I didn't start until this afternoon.

But hey, my Municipal Government paper is done, and it's the one due on Monday.

Now, I have the two monsters: my French Lit paper due on Wednesday, and my French History paper due on Thursday.  And yes, they have to be written in French.  Hence why I call them the monsters.

But I can do this.  I will do this.  Mostly because I don't have any other choice.

Granted, I probably could've gotten a lot more done tonight had I solely focused on work once I started.  But no.

I talked to Alex, checking on him after his big LSAT this morning.  That kid just makes me happy.  More guys need to be like him.

I got way too caught up in the Twitter live play-by-play of the SEC Championship football game.  I highly dislike Alabama.

Lastly, I went over to Ryann's apartment for an hour and a half.  Normally, I wouldn't do that with this much on my plate, but a couple of her friends are down visiting from northern Virginia, and I wanted to meet them.  I don't regret it for a second because that was the best night I've had in a looooooong time. :)  Her two friends and I totally hit it off.  New friends are fun.  Thank God for Facebook.  I watched most of Elf (never seen it before!),ate some delicious pumpkin bread, and laughed hysterically the entire time.

Now, ask me if I still feel that way later this week when I'm in panic mode over these papers and finals.  Ha.

Meh, you know what they say, if the decision felt right in the moment, it was the right decision to make.  Or something like that.  At least that's what I'm choosing to tell myself.

I know what you're thinking.  Don't say it.

Priorities, people.