Monday, November 17, 2014

Short on answers, not love.

So um, yeah. Unless some miracle happens and Mom or I find someone who would be willing and qualify to cosign my student loan for the spring, it looks like I'll be taking a semester off. I found a private loan place that I think can help me next year provided I get a job after I get back from Christmas break in NC, but that does no good for me in terms of the spring semester. It's the last thing I want in regards to this program, but I'm running out of options. I called every private loan place NYU sent me numbers for. But I'll talk about that some other time because if I do it now, I'm going to start crying again, and I sobbed for like two straight hours this afternoon, so I'm emotionally drained.

In other news, it's finally the day before surgery!!! Hallelujah and PRAISE JESUS. I am so ready for tomorrow, I can't even tell you.

But y'all know me. How many surgeries have I been through in the almost six years since I started this blog? (Holy cow. It'll be six years in February.) I always get nervous the night before. I don't know why, other than surgeries are scary no matter how many times you go through the whole process. Which is why I want to talk about the good things in my day today: Pastor Ben/my church family, Clayton and Austin.

Pastor Ben set up a meal page so people from church can bring me food or have it delivered while I'm down and out recovering in the apartment, mostly by myself since the roommate will be in class or the library a lot and Holly works so much. How sweet is that? I hope people sign up, because it's going to be hard to make myself food, at least in this first week until my post-op appointment.

Clayton FaceTimed me for about 45 minutes tonight, and for once I got to help him instead of just him helping me (like it usually is, honestly). I don't know that I'd be who I am or where I am without his guidance and friendship and I am so lucky that we can talk about the deep stuff and pray for each other just as easily as we can laugh together. God's presence always feels very real to me when I leave our conversations. I love how that whole "where two or more are gathered" thing even works over FaceTime. :)

And Austin. Oh Austin. He can be so scatterbrained sometimes, but he called me just before midnight (as I was chowing down on some crackers and water before I had to go NPO at midnight) and there's just something about who he is as a person and friend that makes me feel so much more calm. The title of tonight's post actually comes from my conversation with him, because he said that if he could do or say something to fix my school funding issues, he would in a heartbeat, and I replied, "Oh I know. I have several people who would do it in a heartbeat. I'm not short on love, just short on answers." Which is very true. I am quite loved, and no matter how hopeless certain situations can seem, that is always something to be thankful for. I can't wait to see Austin in January.

So yeah, tonight, despite the awful afternoon and the stress weighing on me, I'm choosing to focus on the love I know is out there for me, even from hundreds of miles away. That's a blessing from God, no matter what else is going on.

Oh, and I also need to focus on my response paper. I have to get that in before I leave for the hospital. The work, it never ends. :p

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