13 Years and Counting

Matt came over to say goodbye tonight. He came over after he finished lessons, and we hung out for about an hour before he had to go home to his kids. Considering that, before this Christmas break, the last time I saw him was at my Campbell graduation, I am so happy that I got some real quality time with him despite him being so busy.

We've gone from awkward kids in middle school Academic Derby to a brother who is a high school music teacher and married with two stepkids and a baby on the way and a sister who is almost done with a Master's degree and about to (hopefully) start her Ph.D. I'm so proud of who we've become.

Thirteen years is a long time. There have been plenty of times where our relationship could have completely fallen apart (largely thanks to me, let's be honest), yet this break we've sat and talked and cuddled (I needed physical touch in a big way the day after Jim died, and Matt knew that), and it's been a perfect picture of the relationship we've built, one that outlasts time and distance and drama and growth.

Yes, things have changed. I don't consider him my best friend anymore, simply because we don't have the time to devote to each other that we used to and I have other people now. But the title doesn't matter. He's family. We're family. And after all this time, we both know that we can't get through life without each other there in some capacity. No matter where we are in the world, I have that security, and it's such a gift.

I honestly can't imagine still being in love with him at this point. All through high school, when I was desperate for him to love me the way that I loved him, he kept promising me that when I got out of our hometown, I would see that he isn't the only person in the world who would love me and I'd understand that the feelings I had for him were based on the fact that he was my whole world. And per usual, he was right. Matt seems to be right about just about everything in my life. He knows my brain that well.

Now that I have so many other people whom I know love me, I understand that Matt isn't all I need or all I can have like I used to think. And now, I can't imagine him being anything but my big brother. Literally growing up together gives us a bond that anyone I met at Campbell can't understand, but I know that Matt is grateful that I am loved the way that I am. And I'm grateful that I still have him to remind me of what I deserve and what to do when he knows I'm not being treated right and my emotions are clouding my rationality.

I know that without a doubt, he's gonna be standing next to me at my wedding one day. Other relationships may have fallen apart recently, but thirteen years in, and I know that this is one for the ages.

I just hope I can convince him not to wear a bridesmaid dress at the wedding.

God provides. Always.

It's really easy to think the worst of people nowadays. It seems like everyone is out for themselves, and we see so much violence and hatred and sheer brokenness in the news that we can be overwhelmed with the picture that people are just screwed up. At least, I know I do.

I needed $3602 to pay for this last semester. Last semester, we got every dollar we could out of Mom's bank, so options this time seemed even bleaker than before. I've been working really hard at learning how not to freak out in situations like this, so on Friday, I did the only thing I could think to do and sent texts to several people asking them to pray that we could find the money I needed.

One of those people is Mom's best friend, Rachel. She asked me a couple questions and said she'd be thinking and praying. That was all I was expecting.

Well, today, Matt was over visiting for a little while and I heard my phone ring. I figured it was nothing, so I blew it off. Then I heard a text message. Matt left not long after that, so I went and checked my phone to see who had called. There was a voicemail from a number I didn't recognize and a text from Rachel telling me to check my voicemail.

The voicemail was from her dad. My heart immediately started racing because I knew that if this man, someone I'd never met, was calling me, it had to be important. I immediately called him back. He told me that Rachel had told him about my situation of needing money for school, and about some of the things that I've had to fight through to get to where I am now. He explained that he is the pastor of a very small church, so small that he hasn't taken a salary in more than 30 years and they don't have a lot of expenses. Because of this, they have a fund built up that they usually use to support missionaries overseas. However, once Rachel told him about me, he felt compelled to talk to his congregation today.

Every single person there agreed that they couldn't think of a better way to spend part of their fund than to loan me the money for this last semester.

Strangers. Giving me a $3602 loan. At no interest. AND I don't even have to worry about paying it back until I am settled with an established job and have the resources to afford to pay them back.

Who does that?! I spent the next hour walking around Mommom's house just randomly exclaiming "I'm just so happy!"

People can be so mindblowingly awesome. And God is an awesome provider. Always.

Let's talk about sex.

Feel free not to read this post. This is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately so I need to get some thoughts out.

Somewhere along the way, we went from living in a culture that said if you had sex before marriage, you were a slut or a whore, to a culture that said if you didn't have sex before marriage, you were a religious nut or a prude.

Even long before I became a Christian, I thought that there was no way that I would have sex before marriage. And that stance stayed set in stone for years, no questions, no ifs ands or buts. I got crap from my family for it (my mom's advice was explicitly that I SHOULDN'T wait until marriage), but I saw what Holly and Chelsea did and went through and thought that there was no way I wanted to be like them.

In high school, I was so desperate to have Matt love me the way that I loved him that I offered to have sex with him. I thought that that was the only reason he didn't want to date me. He always said no. Thank God he said no. We talked about it years later, and he said something that has stuck with me ever since: "I knew I could've had sex with you if I wanted to. But I couldn't do that to you. I cared about you too much. I knew you'd hate me afterwards."

As I hit college, being surrounded by people who were always dating and sleeping with other people, that was when the questions started coming. I got older, and the real urges and desires started coming. I've had certain brothers assume that I don't have those urges and desires because I'm a virgin, so I have to sort of explain to them that my brain works the same just as everyone else in our age group, which is just...weird to me.

Since the whole thing with Matt in high school, I'd say that there are three guys that I've consciously wanted to have sex with. With two of them, luckily, the opportunity never arose because of the distance that was between us. With the third one, it very easily could have happened recently. In fact, I considered letting it happen. In came my lifesaving, glorious friends who talked some sense into me before I was truly faced with the choice in the moment. And then I saw him and realized just how bad of an idea it would really be, so I grew that much more thankful that my friends had awakened me to the truth. I always need people who are willing to call me out on my crap.

So when that video from Jeff came out, it was like a divine reminder not to give that part of myself away to a vague and broken boy whom I knew in my gut will never feel the way that I do about all of this. There was one line in this video that jumped out at me.

Do not let your body say something that you are not willing to say with the rest of your life.

Girls, we want to be wanted; it's in our very nature. But I want to be wanted for more than my body. I'm not going to say forever with my body to a boy who doesn't intend to devote himself to me any longer than the time we would spend in bed to get the temporary pleasure people biologically desire. God wants more for me than that. A king wants his princess to be treated with the respect and regard that she deserves; I should want that for myself, too.

So for now, I'm holding on to hope that one day, there will be a man, not a boy, who wants to devote forever to me, and the exploration of my sexual desires won't be a mistake. It'll play out in the way God intended for each of us.

One Word: 2016

The older I've gotten, the more I've struggled to be content with my singleness. I sit and watch so many of my friends not just find solid, longlasting relationships, but then get engaged and married, and I have this almost constant underlying nagging feeling that I'm missing something. I have all of these amazing brothers who aren't shy in the least about telling me all of my amazing qualities and all the things they love about me, and while it's flattering, I can't stop thinking, "If I'm so awesome, why does no guy actually want to date me? Why am I always the sister?" It's ridiculous, I know, and I repeatedly tell myself that, but it's the truth.

The irony about all of this is that on top of the discontentment, I also struggle with believing that I am worthy of somebody wanting me romantically. I see my girlfriends, and I get overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm not special enough or different enough or cool enough or pretty enough or ___ enough to stand out amongst these girls who seem to have so much more going for them than I do. So I walk around wanting what I don't have but simultaneously believing that I'm not capable of or worth having it.

I want to stop this. I want 2016 to be the year that my perspective on this changes.

I want to stop seeing myself in such a poor light.

I want to look in the mirror and be able to believe myself when I say "I am beautiful."

I want to believe I'm worthy of being wooed and adored and pursued and loved.

I want to believe and focus on the truths of who God says I am and who God sees me as over the voices of this world who constantly say that I'm missing something.

I want to learn how to walk confidently out the door with the security of knowing that my self-esteem isn't reliant on what guys, or anyone, say to me.

But most of all, I want my heart to get completely lost in God this year. I want to live my days fully believing that God is enough for my peace and contentment and joy, where I am centered and resting in God's love and truth and promises and not standing on the shaking ground of what other people say about me and my worth.

All of this, this is why my One Word for 2016 is

2016. Let's get it.

Happy 2016, y'all.

I'd insert some inspirational paragraph here about the beauty of making it to a new year and the endless possibilities that lie ahead for each of us, but you've heard it all before. None of us should need a new year to be the excuse for us to finally start appreciating life.

Today's just another day in Myrtle Beach. We head home tomorrow. And then I'll just be counting down until the 13th when I get to go to Campbell and see people I have been aching to see for the past year. I'm ready to get to my people and get to the feeling of home and safety I can't get anywhere else.

Until then, I mostly just plan on sleeping, writing, and watching stupid pointless television while I still can.

I have nothing else to say. Happy New Year, people.

2016? Bring it on, baby. I'm ready for the adventure.

2015: A Year In Review

Well, this year was certainly nothing like I expected it to be.

I put such value in my relationships with people that it absolutely devastates me to realize that I've lost a friend, but as time goes on, I'm realizing that sometimes...that just happens. No one has every single friend they love stay in their life forever. Some people   really are only meant to be here for a short amount of time, but I've learned that God knows how long a friendship will be good for me and help me grow, and that it's a good thing those friendships end when they stop being healthy, because the pain from that would be far greater in the long run than the pain of losing them. I never expected Ryann to ghost me like she did, and sometimes it still stings, I still want answers, but God has been so faithful to me to strengthen new relationships and to help me find peace with what happened. And as the years pass, I know it's only going to become more difficult. The rest of my soccer boys are going to graduate Campbell, and I will be forced to learn which ones are meant to withstand leaving the college bubble. That scares me, but I have to trust that God knows what is best. Also, after six long years of torment, I managed to finally quit Landon back in August (I don't know that I mentioned that). This year has been a big one in terms of learning that I truly do deserve love and that what he had for me was not that. This is the longest I've ever gone without speaking to him, and sometimes it's still hard, sometimes I still want to text him and see if he's okay, but I don't. It's not that I don't love him, I think a part of me will always love him, I've just finally begun to realize that I have to love myself more.

This blog became less of an obsession/priority this year. To be honest, I had a feeling this was going to happen sooner or later. Writing a post for every single day of the year is a lot for anyone to take on, and I did it for five solid years. Grad school took up a lot of my time this year, as it should, and my depression got bad this summer, so I just didn't have as much to say or the desire to continue that pace. Plus, I just don't have nearly as much free time as I used to to devote to it, and I'm glad I reached the point of realizing it this year, before my internship starts, because I know between that and my Master's thesis, I'm going to have even less free time in the next few months.

One of the biggest surprises for me this year was actually my decision to apply for my Ph.D. For the longest time, I had absolutely no intention of continuing past my Master's, but my mom was constantly bugging me. Gotta love that woman. The more I thought about it, though, thanks to her incessant nagging, I realized that GASP! She was probably right. And I think that it's the right decision. I know that God will direct me in the path that I should go, so if doing my Ph.D. is the best next step for me right now, then I'll get an acceptance (or multiple). It's scary for someone as Type A as me not to know what is coming next, because education wise, this is the first time in my life I don't know what is coming next, but this is a great and big lesson in patience and letting go of control. I can never have too many of those.

I definitely found my footing in New York this year. I stopped feeling like a visitor or like I was waiting to wake up from a dream, and it just became normal life. I found my rhythm. I had tons of new personal experiences that I never saw coming but made me that much more excited to see what and who God is going to bring into my life in the future. I began to feel like I really had friends, even if they were just mostly through church and Spiegel. I slowly began to feel like I maybe belonged in the city, even if my heart ached to be back with my soccer boys and the people who know and love me best. I'm finally feeling comfortable here, even if it feels like I just moved here, and now in 7 or 8 months, I will likely not be living here and will have to start this resettlement process all over again. It's never easy, but I believe that God will be faithful to bring me to a community wherever I end up next, just like what happened in New York.

My One Word for 2015 was fearless. I definitely saw ways that I improved, as I slowly began to trust that God would work out details even when I couldn't see how, like with the PhD stuff or paying for this semester of school or finding an internship. But there's still a long way for me to go. With the Cushing's/brain tumor scare this spring, and then the thyroid tumor scare this fall, plus the months of uncontrollable seizures across the late spring and summer, there were plenty of days that I let fear overtake me and my depression roared its ugly head. But I think that's part of this One Word thing; a year isn't supposed to magically fix everything in a certain area of your life, it's just supposed to open your eyes and start you off on that path to continue growing in the years to come. I'm praying that God will continue to help me become more fearless.

Here's the thing, y'all. I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. I like to pretend that I do, but I don't. People often treat me like I do, but I really don't. The truth is that growing up is scary, and like most people my age, I'm sort of stumbling my way through hoping that things will make sense eventually. But as the years go on, I've become more and more aware of the fact that I can't do any of this without God walking with me and directing me back to the path that is best for me. God and the people He has placed in my life that are such faithful support to me are the only way I have made it through another year without absolutely losing my mind. And I know that as the years continue to pass, I'm going to need to hold on to that even more because the world is only going to get bigger and the changes are only going to get more intimidating. My prayer for this year, as I face my last semester at NYU and graduation and the overwhelming feeling of trying to figure out what to do next, is that I would remember that God really is enough for me, that with God, I can handle any task or decision that is placed before me.

I'm buckling up for the ride that is coming this new year. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. Because as the song says, I know it's going to be wild and great and full of Him. And that's all I can ask for.

Happy New Year, lovelies. May peace, grace, love and blessings abound for you in 2016.

Ah, family.

Woo boy.

I love my grandma, and I'm glad she took me to Myrtle Beach for the week, but good gracious, sticking us in a condo where we have to do literally every single thing together is a recipe for one of us wanting to strangle the other.

It's officially the 30th, which means I have two weeks left with her, but I just have to make it until Saturday here in the condo, and if we don't drive each other completely insane by then, it will be a holiday miracle.

Things can be great with us, but they can also be really tense. Yeah, I know, family. But we both ended up crying earlier over a game of cards. CARDS. There's competitiveness, and then there's just stupid ridiculousness.

The good news is that the movies we have left to see and going to Dick's Last Resort for New Year's Eve should be good distractions from the ways we can get on each other's nerves.

People always say no one knows how to push your buttons like family, and they're right.

More than I could ever have asked for.

I've been looking forward to seeing Clayton over this Christmas break since...well, probably the day I last saw him back in January. Suffice it to say, one of my least favorite things about growing up is only being able to see my best friend(s) once a year.

When I realized that I would be in Myrtle Beach for one of the two weeks that he is actually in NC for the holidays, I may or may not have had a mini freakout thinking we weren't going to see each other and that I was going to have to go even longer than a year without hugging my very best friend.

Well, thankfully, with a bit of coordination and help from Mommom, I got to meet him in Warsaw (which is about halfway between our two hometowns) for lunch today. And after this week with losing Jim and everything that went along with that, it was so very needed.

We actually spent a lot of time talking about one pretty serious and personal topic in particular that I've been struggling with. It's way too personal for me to put out on this blog, largely because it involves someone else who I know has found and read this blog before, but just know that it was something that I really needed to discuss with Clayton, and doing it in person did wonders.

I am so, so lucky to have that boy, I swear. His determination to look out for my best interest even when I don't know that I need him to but still being kind and loving when I'm being an idiot is something I don't know how to describe. I wish everyone could have someone like him in their lives. With this particular situation, I'm pretty sure I'd decide to essentially drive myself off a cliff if it weren't for him calling me out.

I remember at one point he was looking at me and I said, "You've never looked at me like that before." He replied, "This is fear. I'm seriously concerned and afraid that you're considering driving yourself off a cliff, and there's nothing I'll be able to do to help you." The look he had on his face is something that's stuck in my head and a big part of the reason that I decided he was right and I wouldn't do what I was considering doing if the opportunity arose. One other thing that he said that really stood out to me was "I know you. I know how deeply you feel things. If you do this, it will not end well for you. It will make you spiral." He knows my past, he knows my history with depression, and he knows how I see people, so I knew that if he really believed doing it would make me spiral, I needed to listen. He saves me from myself.

But mostly, it was just so comforting to be able to see him and touch him and HUG HIM. I practically mauled him in the parking lot when he got out of his car, not even realizing initially that we were standing in the drive-through lane. Ha! And this kid, someone who said he never really liked to hug people before he met me, must have given me like 15 hugs when we were walking out to leave. That's something FaceTime cannot replace. It got to the point where I finally had to say, "Okay, I have to leave now, or I'm never going to stop hugging you." I'm lucky to have a best friend who gives me love the ways that I receive it best - words of affirmation and physical touch.

He also gave me an extra gift and let me record him doing this impression of some guy from The Walking Dead because it's by far my favorite impression of his, but I promised him that I wouldn't put it anywhere online. Some things really must be kept between friends. ;)

I don't know where I'd be right now, how I would have made it through 2015, without Clayton. I'm not even kidding. When my depression got so bad this summer with all the seizures, he was the one who was always there to help me keep my head above the water, no matter when or how often I needed to talk to him. He makes me laugh harder than just about anyone I've ever met and is the best at lifting my spirits when I need it. He's my sensei, always teaching me things and has helped me grow so much closer to God this year.

He is more than I could ever have asked for in a friend. He's my absolute best friend in the world, and I know that I don't have to worry about this friendship, because no matter where we are or how long it takes us to see each other again, we're in this for good.

We could be the greatest team that the world has ever seen.

It's never dull with us.

Ah, Kropinack family holidays. They never disappoint.

It definitely had a weird fog over it because Mom was there but basically didn't speak, and Dusty wasn't there because he lives in SC now and is part of the Coast Guard, but other than that, it was basically just the kind of weird you would expect when you stick us crazies in a house together and stuff us full of good food.

Blake went ballistic over presents.

We heard all about my cousin Bri's soccer life. My baby cousin flies to India on Sunday as part of a soccer mission trip of sorts. Insane. I still can't believe that girl is almost 17 years old. She is so smart, generous, kind, strong, and talented. I want to be her when I grow up.

We had tons of good food made by Mom, Mommom, and Uncle Kirk.

We reminisced on crazy and silly memories.

Blake spent a solid hour walking up Mommom's stairs, throwing various toys (and one time a porcelain figure from a nativity set that was thankfully still in a box and didn't break) down the stairs, walking back down, then walking back up with it or something else to do it again.

I got clothes I needed, a couple of Wolfpack shirts to add to my collection, and cash. Which is basically all I really wanted or needed.

As crazy and stressful as things can be with this family, I do greatly appreciate it that, for the most part, we can calm things down and actually just enjoy it and each other for a change.

Hope y'all had a Merry Christmas with people you love.

A Nightmare You Can't Wake Up From

Sunday night, on the way back from the airport, my mom and I stopped by her boyfriend's house and found him dead.

It was hands down the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. I'd never even seen a dead body before at a funeral, let alone like that.

Somehow, I had the wherewithal to call 911, because Mom could barely breathe enough to tell me the address to his house. Then we had to deal with the paramedics coming to confirm that there was nothing to be done because he'd been gone too long and the police coming to make a report.

Then came the phone calls. I finally got up with his parents, but Mom took the phone long enough to tell them, which was good seeing as I'd never met or spoken to them before.

Then I texted Holly, called Mom's best friend Julie (a professional psychologist of all things), and got Mommom to bring Uncle Kirk over so they could get me and Mom home since she could barely see straight. As I waited for them, I called Clayton and Pastor Ben because I'd been trying so hard to be strong for Mom at first, but by that point I had lost all sense of composure. Eventually we were clear to leave as his parents and their pastor were there to deal with everything else. I barely slept that night because I couldn't get the images out of my head. I didn't really sleep much the next two nights, either.

Today was the funeral. Mom is my hero. She was so strong, I don't know how she did it. Several of the guys that were in the same fraternity as her and Jim were at the funeral, and I know that did her good. His whole family knew that I was with Mom and found his body with her, so I was getting a lot of attention, too, and all I could think was I shouldn't be a concern here.

I'm just heartbroken for her. Jim's dad told her that he had mentioned that he was "going to get engaged this week". She has loved him since she was 15. She went through a marriage that wasn't good, she sacrificed everything for me and my sisters, she was so close to finally getting her happily ever after, and boom, it was ripped away from her. He was the first fatherly figure I've had since my dad died, so that compounds the anger I feel for my mom.

But there's one thing that has been stuck in my head since Sunday night. "God, I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are." That's all I've got. And I pray that God will help Mom to find peace in the weeks and months to come.

Please pray, not just for my mom, but for Jim's daughter, who is 18 and in the middle of her senior year of high school, his sister, and his parents. Thanks, y'all.