Better

Okay, I'm less freaked out tonight.

I've read through all of my research and gotten rid of the pieces that won't help me or aren't on the story I'm writing about.  As I read through the research, I saw ideas that ran throughout them and connected them.  And you know what?

Voila.  An idea was born.

I've got a general idea of my outline already.  I can write it all down and get it worked out within the next hour or so and still get to bed at a reasonable hour.  So yay for that!

Thank you, sweet Father. I prayed, and You came to my rescue.

And you know what?  As much as I freaked out yesterday (and the day before), I always knew it'd get done.  I always manage to figure it out.  I'm just too big of a nerd to be apathetic.  Haha!

And the jerk who made me cry last week apologized, which was shocking. (seriously!)

And I got a new antibiotic tonight, so maybe I'll finally start feeling better soon.  I have to because the big 125th Anniversary Ball is coming up on Friday! :)

Good day.  Good, good night. 

Lesson learned.

Right now, I'm imagining God kicked back in a recliner, his feet up on an ottoman, with a humongous bowl of popcorn, laughing like a hyena as he watches a movie titled Mallory Learns Her Lesson about Procrastination.  Can't you just see it?  Because I totally can.

The lesson here, ladies and gents (though I doubt any man reads this blog)?  I was not made to procrastinate this severely.  Monday is already pretty much over.  I have until 3:00 Friday, which from now is less than 87 hours from now, to plan, formulate, and write an at least 7 page research paper, and almost 13 of those hours will be spent in class.

STUPID STUPID ME.

I feel like my heart is in my stomach.  I feel like I could burst into tears.  I wish I could smack myself. 

I'm too much of a nerd to do this! Why did I do this to myself? 

It's still possible to do it all and still, ya know, sleep, but it's scaring me majorly.

Pray for me.  Pray for peace.  Pray for knowledge.  Pray for focus.  Pray for the words to come easily.  But please especially pray for peace.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: I finally went to the infirmary today, and found out I have an upper respiratory infection that I wasn't aware I had because I cannot hear or feel the chest congestion the doc says he can hear in my lungs.  So no wonder I've been feeling like crap for a week and a half.  Well, it's nice to have answers, I suppose.  Hopefully the antibiotic that I have to go back to the infirmary tomorrow to get the prescription for, because the prescription he wrote today was for a medicine is no longer sold or something, will do the trick.

Hey God, enjoy the show? ;)

Karma, is that you?

Well, first off, on the upside, the research didn't take me all day.

The bad news, though, is that it didn't take me all day because there were so few resources to even look at.

Deep breaths.

To start off what felt like a day full of karma punishing me for procrastinating (and I do mean that as a joke, take note), after I got up this morning, ate lunch, took a shower, shaved, and plucked my eyebrows, I sat down at my computer ready to focus on this paper.

Only to find that the library website wouldn't even open.  Yep.  And when I called the library to ask if they knew what was up, the lady who answered the phone was absolutely zero help.  She said they might be working down there at the library, so I sighed, got up and dressed, and headed down there.

And then I found out she was wrong.  The library homepage wouldn't even open up down there.  I was so freaked I almost started crying.  Oh, I of little faith...Thankfully, a guy who works there that I knew was good with computers was able to help me, and he basically showed me a backdoor way to get to the databases.  Which was awesome, because that was the only way I was allowed to do the research.

I spent two and a half hours going through literally every. possible. database. Campbell has access to and I could only find six articles to use.  SIX.  And that just freaked me out.  Praise the Lord for the fact that the required minimum number of sources for the paper is five, but still.  My mind was just racing worrying about how six articles were going to get me a 7-9 page research paper.  So for now, I'm just focusing on making it to seven pages.

Ugh, this is what I get for procrastinating, and what's even worse is that as soon as I get done with this work this week, I get to start freaking out about my Scope & Methods project that I have also, surprise surprise, procrastinated on.

One day at a time, Mal.  One day at a time.  The writing is the easier part.  You don't have a lot of during-the-week homework, so you'll have plenty of time to organize and write this by Friday.  You can do it.

I have to focus on the positives, think positively, or I'll go into freakout mode and probably cry, and I've cried enough in the past week.

And yes, I do sometimes talk to myself.  But I promise I'm not crazy.  At least not that kind of crazy. ;)

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  I really do love my classes.  Plus, I'm curious to know what Dr. Mero wants to talk to me about.

I'm going to watch Glee to end the night on a happy note and go to bed.

Oh, another happy note: I checked my midterm grades, and I have an A in everything but English! I'm amazed I have an A in Scope & Methods!  See, this is why I don't care if I bug people by participating a lot in class - it helps my grade! :)  Okay, good night.

This was too funny not to post.

Oh, the things I find through Facebook...Which one are you?

According to the results I just got on the test, I am an ISFJ, but I relate to a LOT of these! :)

If I didn't think it was corny, I'd pat myself on the back.

I had a muy productive day.

I only have one more thing on my to-do list for today, and it's just a one-page thing that won't take very long.  Yay me! Haha.

Tomorrow is going to be solely focused on my research for my research paper.  That will not be fun in the least, but it has to be done and I really can't procrastinate anymore.  But that's why I'm getting/I've gotten everything else done today because I know that that will take pretty much all day tomorrow.

State didn't play today.  It was weird.  But it was probably a good thing.  Focus and whatnot.  Though I think the lack of football was probably negated by the fact that I had an NCIS marathon on for most of the day.

I still feel like crap.  Mom called me earlier to see how I was doing and I told her, so she told me I needed to go to the infirmary on Monday.  Though frankly, I don't know that they'll be much help because every other time I've gone there, well, they've sucked.  But we'll see.  I just want this headache/nausea/lightheadedness to go away.  A week is long enough, don't you think?

Anyway, just as I predicted, today was boring.  I'm going to get this last thing done, eat something, and go to bed.

Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

Okay, I won't continue.  But you really have to admit, it's catchy, even in all of its annoyingness.

Hooray Friday.  Fridays are awesome.  On Fridays, I only have two classes and I'm free at 11:50.  And thank you Jesus for that considering I barely made it through that.

I headed to lunch at the dining hall after I got out of my 11:00 class, and I barely made it there before I had to have a worker help get me lunch because my blood sugar dropped so low I almost fell out on the tile floor.  So that was sweet of her.  I love this school. :)

My big exciting Friday evening has consisted of a nap because whatever has been plaguing me for the past week just won't give. it. up., tuna for dinner, and lots and lots and LOTS of homework. 

Which is pretty much what Saturday is going to consist of, save for a change in meal ideas and probably no nap considering I won't have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow. ;)

All I know is I've GOT to focus.  This is a list that has to be completed, and it's probably going to take me every possible second this weekend.  Here we go.

One last question, though.

That song is still in your head, isn't it? 

Hehehe. ;)

I will be the first to admit it.

I AM SENSITIVE.

I do not have a thick skin.  Most bullying victims don't.  I can not handle people making fun of me well, and I get upset when people publicly point out my flaws.

But you know, who made the rule that being sensitive was some punishable offense?

Rememer a few weeks ago when I mentioned that a guy went off on me in the middle of class and my professor had to talk to him because the cruel things he said really upset me?  Yeah, well, a different guy, unsurprisingly a guy who sits right behind him, for some reason decided to raise his hand in the middle of class, after I said something and then the professor said something, to basically tell me in front of everyone that I needed to keep my mouth shut because he was tired of listening to me.

Yeah.  Not even kidding.  Thank God for Dr. Mero who stuck up for me as much as he possibly could.  I stuck around long enough to hear him tell this guy that in his class, he wasn't just going to talk at people for 80 minutes, he wanted people to talk, and if he didn't like that then he could go get a withdrawal form.  But then, despite all my fighting, I couldn't get my tears under control, so the girl who sits next to me told me she'd email me the notes, and I just left.  I still feel terribly sick, and I just didn't have the energy to deal with it.

And that was when I felt God wrap his arms around me.

When I got to the door of my dorm, a girl was sitting on the back steps smoking, saw me trying to stop crying, and got up and comforted me and was just really sweet.  All I know is her name is Elizabeth (I'm pretty sure) and she lives on the third floor, and if I ever need a friend, to just go to her.  I've never met her before.

About fifteen minutes later, I got a knock on my door and it was two girls from class who came by to make sure I was okay.  They told me that I wasn't alone, that a good portion of the class was upset at what the guy said and thought he was out of line, let me know that Dr. Mero held the kid after class, and just made me feel better about myself and got me out of the "blaming myself" mentality that I frustratingly naturally get into because of my past.

Then I checked my school email and had an email from a girl who told me what I missed at the end of class and told me she was sorry for what that guy did and that he was out of line.

Then another girl from class came by and talked to me.  She basically told me what the other girls had, and said that after Dr. Mero dismissed, a bunch of the girls talked to each other about how "unbelievable" the guy's actions were.  Which helped me not to feel alone, like I felt in the moment.

Then I had dinner with Amy and Elizabeth and they reminded me again that I am a good person.

That's five separate instances within three and a half hours of God making something that I struggle with every single day crystal clear:

He's got this.  He's got me.

*Edited to add at 10:26 pm:* And I just got the kindest email from Dr. Mero. Instance number six.

I never knew a virus could suck so badly.

The head pain, nausea, and lightheadedness was so bad today, I seriously almost went to the hospital.  The only time I've ever felt the way I did/do today is when I had staph meningitis in 2009, so I was admittedly a bit freaked.

I texted my mom to get her to call me because I didn't want to end up going to the hospital for it to be nothing.  When she finally called me back, I told her what was going on, and she told me that she has the exact same symptoms.

Weird, huh?

Considering the chances of us both getting meningitis at the same time would be astronomical, I immediately calmed down.  She said she'd been on antibiotics but they hadn't done anything, which pretty much means it's a virus.

I've never had a virus this aggravating.  Aside from the constant nausea, lightheaded feeling, and head that pounds any time I stand up and walk, I feel fine.

Ugh, oh well, it will pass soon enough. 

Also, thank you Jesus for my English teacher extending the deadline on our rough drafts!  My procrastination has gotten the better of me lately, and now I am not freaked out about getting it done.  That's a huge gift.

Okay, I've already stayed up way too late.  I must go!

I'm baaaaack!

I actually got my computer back yesterday, but I was feeling super sick and ended up going to bed at 7:30.

Not even kidding.

I still didn't feel great today.  Luckily, French was cancelled, but I skipped Music and made it to State & Local and my meeting and concert tonight.

I can't believe it's already 11:00.  I'm going to bed now.  I've had a headache for 3 days now and have been feeling lightheaded and nauseous. 

But I can't miss class tomorrow, so I have to suck it up.

Over the next few days, I'll be going back and posting for all the days I missed.  I apologize if it blows up your dashboard, but I'm doing it for me. :)  This blog is kind of my journal/diary/whatever, so I don't want to break the streak.  Plus, I have some fun stuff to post that really SHOULD be remembered.

Love you guys.  Thanks for still caring about me.

Must. sleep.

(posted after the fact due to computer disaster)
Today was pretty lovely.  Aside from the fact that I feel like absolute crap.

I got permission from Faithe Beam yesterday to come to CUW today because Monday CUW is only for freshmen and The Vespers were playing again.  :)  Absolutely awesome, surprise surprise.  Then, after my 11:00 class, I went to the dining hall and had lunch with them before they left.  To be 100% honest, I missed them as soon as they pulled out.  They're that special. :)
Also really super incredibly totally fantastic??  I got my computer back!!!  And it's okay!!!!!!!!!!!  Aside from a few files being deleted that I could either reload or didn't really need, it's like this thing never even happened! I AM SO RELIEVED.
For the first time in a long time, I'm not staying awake for my weekly TV shows.  I think I'm just going to climb in bed here shortly.  I need my sleep.  And whatever is going on with my body is taking a toll.  So...peace out.