Wolfpack pride!

Oh, Wolfpack.  You drive me insane sometimes, but I love you always.  A win is a win.  Hooray for Niklas Sade!

We won tonight.  Just barely, though.  23-21 thanks to a field goal that Niklas Sade, our amazing kicker, made with 33 seconds left on the clock.  Good thing, too, because Richmond is not a big-shot team and it would have been kind of embarrassing to lose to them by one point.  We deserved the anxiety, though, considering there were at least 3 times that we were within easy touchdown range and totally choked.  Not to mention our defense was totally slacking.  But like I said, a win is a win!

It was really cool to be there tonight.  I love the atmosphere, and the stadium, and cheering on my team until I'm hoarse.  So much so that taking this picture has become kind of a ritual for me every time I'm there.

Truth be told, I think of my dad every single time I walk through those gates.

The band was spectacular as usual.  I couldn't help but catch a short clip of their entrance, especially now that Instagram has video.  Haha!

Halftime was where it got really cool, though.  It was Military Appreciation Day, which meant something extra to me this year because my cousin Mike (my dad's oldest brother's son) is currently over in Afghanistan.  We're not close by any means, but it's never cool to have family deployed, especially considering Mike has a wife back home waiting for him, and they're due to have their daughter next month.  So I want him to return safely for them more than anyone.

Anyway, they had ROTC members from every branch at the game today, as well as some wounded vets, some current members who went out and did the pushups every time we scored (gave Mr. Wuf a break for the night!), and tons of veterans in the stands.  Well at half-time, the ROTC members carried out a field-size flag.

It was so beautiful, especially with the sun set, under the stadium lights, and the crowd chanting "USA! USA! USA!" over and over again.  I even caught a little clip of them waving the flag up and down.



And after that, they had parachuters!  It was awesome to see!  One guy was doing flips the whole way down.



There were some other humorous highlights.  We were right next to the Student Section, and there was one guy right on the edge closest to us who was so spirited and such an instigator getting the rest of the crowd into stuff; he started the wave, and when it went around the stadium 3.5 times, he about lost it - oh, and he had orange shorts on with his red shirt, which was bizarre and awesome.  There was a little girl who liked to do the running man while the band played.  Really ditzy girls stood behind us for a bit and knew so little about football, they couldn't even tell if we were winning or losing or how many quarters there were in the game...Yeah.  That's all I can think of right now.  Mom and I are perfect game companions because we're both equally excited and dorky the entire time, so we had each other cracking up the whole night.  The highlight of the whole night, though, was definitely the field goal so close to the end.  I think my hoarseness is solely from screaming so loud after that.

In other sports news, Wolfpack basketball landed a major recruit for next year, so yay for that.  And Campbell won its home opener in our renovated stadium!!!!  The students stormed the field to celebrate Coach Mike Minter's 1st win (he's a vet of the Carolina Panthers, having him here is a big deal).

Oh yeah, and to top off the night, since I finally got to see Mom, I finally got my hands on this.  It's official!

And I actually really like that picture of me.  Icing on the cake.

There are no words for this.

That's actually a line from Jenny & Tyler's song "Skyline Hill."  Trust me, I have plenty of words. ;)

Well, first off, I was an idiot, and after that blog post I posted early this morning, instead of sleeping for a couple hours before I needed to take a shower before class, I was afraid that if I laid down I wouldn't get back up, so I stayed up and did school stuff all...morning?  Yeah, I guess all morning.  Because it was early, early morning.  Then at 8, I got a shower, and then did my typical get-ready-for-class deal.  Class was 10:00-10:50, and then I immediately went and got lunch, ate it, and by that point I had been awake for 22.5 straight hours, so I slept from 11:30-4:00.  And it was hard to get up, but I was excited because of what tonight was!  I ate dinner and got ready and stuff, and my friend Adaisha got here at like 5:10.

We got a little lost in Raleigh trying to find the venue, which is exactly what I was afraid of which is why we left so early, but we still got there at 6:20.  I had no idea there was a 2-story Chick-Fil-A in Raleigh that hosts concerts, but there is, because that's where we were tonight.  We headed in and immediately went up and found the band - thankfully Chick-Fil-A was keeping all guests downstairs while we set everything up, so I was able to just talk to them for a bit.  They introduced me to Jake, a friend of theirs that they're on this stretch of tour with.  I was disappointed that their sweet baby Jane was with their on-the-road nanny (aka Jenny's cousin) at a Young Life House, so I couldn't meet her, but it was all good.

We spent basically the next 45 minutes setting up all the merch stuff and we sat with Jenny while she ate dinner and just talked.  The place was PACKED tonight; it was so awesome!!  By 7:45 or so, when Jake started his set, people were literally having issue finding space to stand, and this was not a small place!  It was crazy, but I was so happy to see such a great turnout.  The nice thing was that nobody really bought anything until after the show, just a few people here and there during it, so I was able to really enjoy Jake's set.

HOLY COW, that man can sing.  You really need to check him out: Jake Ousley.  The last song he performed, titled "On My Way", made me cry; it was a combination of the touching, prayerful lyrics and Jake's absolutely stunning voice.  And to top it off, he spent the rest of the night just being so kind and talking to me and making me laugh a lot, which is always grand.  He even asked me to email him my full testimony, which...it's just always so cool to see God getting my story out there even more.  I bought a T-shirt, but he gave me and signed his CDs for free.  New friends + incredible music + laughter = tonight was a win.

I told him he looked adorable, and he responded in a totally cheesy Mexican accent "Muchas gracias!" Goofball. :)

Then, of course, came Jenny & Tyler's set, which was phenomenal, as they always are.  They are two people that, I swear, when you hear them, it feels like God made them just so that they could find each other and sing together.  Their harmonies are out of this world.  There really aren't words to explain how talented I think they are!  And the best part is, they're even more incredible people.  Jenny gave me her number so I could keep her in the loop about my health, which was just so kind of her.  I was able to share something personal with them that I have been meaning to for months but felt it would be best in person, and when I did, Tyler got this dorky grin on his face and said "Let's hug it out." with his arms open wide.  The body of Christ is so beautiful.

After  the show was kind of crazy merch-wise, just because I was so tired, it was such a small space, and there were so many people there, but it was such a great night.  Wonderful people, music that gives me chills, how could I complain?  Tonight was such a mood-lifter and such a blessing.  I'm definitely going to bed with a smile on my face.

Coming tomorrow...my first Carter-Finley visit of the season!

Sunday...my review of Jeff Bethke's book, Jesus > Religion.  I finished it last night at work before all the drama happened, and I truly mean it when I say this book could change my generation.

I always complicate things.

The reason you're seeing this post at 5-something Friday morning instead of whatever time last night I would have posted is because, well, I just can't have anything be simple.

First off, I was in bed all day yesterday because of my head, though I did get up in the morning to take meds and call my professors and then around lunch to eat something.  But I did manage to feel better by about 5:00, so I got up and ate dinner and got ready for work and all that jazz.

I worked in the Tutoring Center from 7-10, and then decided to stay and watch Sanctuary on one of the library computers to see if there would be buffering issues there, too.  Some weeks on my computer, it's like I'm not even watching Sanctuary at all because it buffers so much and then skips forward to get back to live time.  But Praise the Lord, because the buffering is my university's Wifi fault, because the computer I used has "wired" internet and there was not a single buffering issue.  I don't know why me using an ethernet cable on my laptop in my dorm didn't work to fix the problem, but whatever.  I had a whole hour of totally uninterrupted worship, and it was beautiful.  It started a little late, so it didn't get over until 11:15.  I sent a text to Kyla before leaving, with plans to go back to my dorm, eat, take a quick shower, blog, and hit the sack.

Well, I was literally about 20 feet from the entrance to my dorm when I started feeling funny.  I knew it was my blood sugar telling me I needed to get food in me fast, so I hurried as fast as I could to get to my room.  I remember walking in my room, putting my stuff down, taking my night medicine, and then I was about to turn to head to my food closet to get something to eat and BOOM.  I wake up on the floor.

Cue the Campus Safety, RA freaking out, paramedics arriving, me finding out my blood sugar was 59!!!, them giving me oral glucose and getting it up to 70, and off to the hospital.  Because I hit my head and thought I hurt my back, they had to do the whole incredibly uncomfortable backboard, neck brace, totally immobilizing my head shindig.  Luckily the ER was not slammed tonight.  We got there just before 12:30, and I was being discharged just after 4:30.  The doctor and nurse who took care of me were super nice and fast.  Early on they tested my blood sugar again and it was 78.  They gave me Dilaudid to ease the extra pain I had from hitting my head, and I got CTs of my head, neck, and back done, plus an EKG, bloodwork and a urine sample (usual stuff).

After all the CTs came back okay, the urine sample and bloodwork came back and they told me I have a minor urinary tract infection, minor enough that I don't have any of the symptoms, but that that would be enough to make my blood sugar plummet like that, since there was no reason since I ate normally yesterday.  I had NO IDEA a UTI could cause that, but whatever.  They gave me a big dose of an antibiotic (but didn't give me a prescription for one, weird) and some potassium because that was slightly low and only added to the problem.  They fed me a whole bunch of peanut butter crackers, a PB&J, some vanilla wafers, and some orange juice, and after that my sugar finally went up to 134 so they told me I could go home.

So now I'm back, and may or may not sleep between now and class.  I have things I need to do, and I can always sleep after class and before we leave tonight for Jenny & Tyler.  I'm so glad I don't have to miss another class or leave my friends in a bind last minute.

For once, I'm not going to roll back the clock on this post just to make it say it was posted yesterday, because this was rare and I didn't even start this until 5:37 am.

So yeah, that was my night.  How was yours?!  Less complicated than mine, I hope.

Back in full swing!

Well, I did sleep from about 3-8 this morning, so yay for that?  And I also felt back to normal, so yay for that ice cream not doing any long-term damage. ;)

I made it to class, which was very lively because we spent the whole period discussing the tragedy in Syria and how there are really no good options in how to respond.

Then, I came back and ate lunch, and proceeded to take a 3-hour nap.  I couldn't help it.  It felt glorious.

I messed around on the computer for a bit, fielded a call from the Athletics department about tutoring, and then got an early dinner and started working on Part 1 of a writing piece for a friend.

By the time that was over, I was ready to head off to the first Campbell Democrats meeting of the semester.  I'm in the running for Chief of Staff on the Executive Board (as if I don't already have enough to do! haha!), so hopefully I'll find out about that soon.

Then, I had to cut out of that early to go to my first peer tutoring of the semester, which is luckily a guy I tutored last semester so I know and get along with him great.  It just took way longer than expected because he was running late, and there was supposed to be this other student coming, too, but I didn't know the person or have a way to get up with them and she never showed so I wasted a bunch of time on that.

And now, since I don't have any work to do for tomorrow, I'm going to do the 2nd (and final) part of this writing piece for my friend, because I promised her she'd have it by morning and I want to go to bed.

So yeah...I'd say the semester is definitely back in full swing!  Tomorrow my shifts at the Tutoring Center starts.  Soon I'm gonna have to be creating another one of those color-coded spreadsheets that got me through last semester.  Oh boy.

At least there isn't any pepper spray involved in tonight.  (Exit Wound had actual pepper spray in it.  I know, I'm insane.)

That time I went and lost my mind.

And I can pretty much guarantee you this post will not end the way you expect it to. :)  I can say that because today was so far from what I expected it to be!!

Okay, so it started out kind of rough.  Last night was one of those nights where I couldn't sleep because the pain was so bad, but I also couldn't do anything but lay there, either.  So I didn't get a lot of sleep, but I made it through my classes today, and actually really enjoyed them!

When I got back from class just after 3:30, I got on Facebook and saw that Jenny & Tyler (remember them? musicians I met through The Vespers/here at Campbell) needed someone to work merch for them in Raleigh on Friday, and that would get said merch worker plus a friend in free.  Well, I love Jenny & Tyler, I love doing merch, so that was enough enticement for me to track down a friend to go with on Friday!

A couple hours later, I finally worked that out.  One of the people I had tried contacting for a ride was my friend Paige, but she couldn't, so once I had a ride for Friday worked out, I knew I had to go to tonight's men's soccer game and hang out with her because she leaves for Ireland for 3 months on Monday so I won't see her for quite some time!  But her phone had shut off because her plan ran out and she wasn't going to renew it this close to leaving, so it took me until 6:40, 20 minutes before the game was due to start, to get up with her friend Chris that she hangs out with all the time, and luckily he was with her and lent her his car to come pick me up.

So I went to the game with them.  We won 3-2!  And my friend Bryce scored one of the goals and it was amazing.  He called me his good luck charm, so I think I'll just have to make it to a few more of these games. ;)  While I was there, though, I got an email that I have been selected to join Jeff Bethke's Street Team to promote his new book "Jesus > Religion"!  I'm so excited and so honored!!  More details to come on that soon. :)

Then, after the game, Paige, her group of friends, and I all went to Sunni Sky's afterwards, which is this ice cream parlor about 15 minutes away that Campbell kids like to frequent.  But...I've never been there before tonight.  During the game, Paige and Chris kept talking about these two ice cream flavors called "Cold Sweat" and "Exit Wound"....yeah, I immediately knew THAT sounded painful.  So originally I only agreed to try a sample of Cold Sweat and only if Paige did it with me...

Fast forward to when we're actually there.  There's this adorable worker who gave Paige and me our tiny, speck-sized samples of Cold Sweat.  It was bad, but didn't really bother me, so Chris jokingly said, "Are you ready for Exit Wound?"  And cute waiter, whose name I later found out is Clarkson, said, "Hold on, first you have to have the qualifying sample size of Cold Sweat...and sign both the waivers."

me signing one of the two waivers...ya know, that I won't sue them or whatever if this causes physical damage. ;)

So he brings out a spoonful of Cold Sweat.  Here's the video for your entertainment.

And then Exit Wound...

Yes, I legit asked Clarkson if he would give me a hug if I did that, because at that point, I was seriously considering saying forget it.  But I did it!  And I'm kind of glad to be able to say that I did.  I won't ever be doing it again, though.  Exit Wound had actual pepper spray in it!!!

The burning subsided quite a bit after I downed a load of ice cream and some lime sherbet that apparently helps ease the pain.  I got a massive upset stomach when I got back to my dorm, though.  I'm sure I'll be fine by the morning.  It was a great memory-making opportunity.

Now I am off to read my advanced copy of Jeff's book until my sleeping pill kicks in, because for some reason I am WIRED right now, but first, here are the other pictures from tonight.

me and Paige. love this girl! :)

I took this because it made me think of Ryann.  I've spent a lot of time in these bleachers, but this was the first time it was without Ryann out on the field playing or in the stands next to me watching.  It's still weird.

me and Bryce. sweet guy, great player, and he made an awesome goal tonight!

and me and Clarkson...yes, I got him to take a picture, too, since he was the one making and delivering my scoops of torture. ;) He was hilarious, and his taunting made the whole thing a lot more fun.  apparently I can't say no when a nice, good-looking boy wants me to do something crazy! :)

This will definitely be a night I will not be forgetting any time soon.

Find me in Carter-Finley.

Today was going to be a very unexciting blog post if it weren't for 5 words: Wolfpack Football Labor Day Sale.

Oh yes.

Anyway, I slept until 2:00 this afternoon, which felt absolutely fantastic considering the shape my head was in when I tried to get up at 11:00.  I ate a little bit and checked up on all my computer stuff for about an hour before I knew I had to get to work.

For my International Political Economy class, the first half of the semester is being spent working our way through this gargantuan book called The Rise and Fall of the Great Powers by Paul Kennedy.  It's pretty much the perfect book for the class, was a New York Times Best-Seller (which is rather unusual for a non-fiction book like this), and is rather interesting considering the material is something you'd usually find in a textbook, not on the NYT Best-Seller list.  I unintentionally procrastinated on this reading, but knew that considering there are 540 pages and only 8 chapters, I couldn't afford to be behind, so when I finished everything else on this week's list Saturday night, and I knew that Matt wasn't able to come down yesterday afternoon, I dedicated yesterday after church and today to getting through the reading that's been assigned so far in this book.  That way, I could at least start this week feeling on top of things. ;)

The good thing about Dr. Thornton (my professor for this class) is that he gives you questions to guide you through the reading.  Otherwise, there would be no way I'd remember and be able to process and analyze for an exam all of this information!  Yesterday, I got through the Intro, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2, which was 83 pages and 24 questions.  And surprisingly, I was done at about 11:00.  I have to cut myself off or I will get so into working that I work until my head makes me cry.

So today, all I had was Chapter 3, which doesn't sound like a big deal at all until you find out that Chapter 3 is 70 pages by itself.  I was exhausted before I even started, ha!  I started at 3:00, and by about 6:15 I only had 29 pages and 5 of the 10 questions left, so I decided to take a food/shower break to give my head a rest.  I pulled up my email as I made food, and immediately saw the email from NC State's ticket office about a Labor Day sale "TODAY ONLY!!!"  The deal was $25 tickets for this Saturday's game against Richmond, $40 tickets for the Maryland game the Saturday after Thanksgiving, or $50 for both games.  Which, anyone who's ever bought a ticket to a college football game at a major university can tell you that that is an INSANE deal.

I immediately called Mom, but she didn't answer, so I texted her.  Now, there are very few things in life that will make my mom or me use half a dozen or more exclamation points in a text message.  Heck, back in April, when she texted me to call her because she had to tell me I had to go to the hospital, all she wrote was "Call me 911" with no punctuation at all. (Bad English teacher! haha)  But anyway, Wolfpack sports are one of those few things that get us excited, especially opportunities to go to games.  So my text read: "I need you to call me pronto!! There's an AMAZING sale on Wolfpack game tickets that is only available today!!! Call me!!!!"  She did...eventually, and said she had to call me back so she could think over the options I told her.

Long story short, she and I are going to the game on Saturday, and we plus Mommom, Holly, and Michael are going to the Maryland game in November.  Seven football tickets for $240 including fees - you can't beat that!!  When I asked her what she was going to do about Blake because of course Chelsea works Saturdays. she said, "That's Chelsea's problem."  So apparently Chelsea is being her usual self - thankfully, while we were on the phone, Chelsea said a coworker's sister would watch him.

But anyway, that made my break take way longer than I expected it to because I had to finish eating and take a shower after all that, but I finished my work 8:00-10:00.  I'll admit, it was kind of hard to focus because I'm so excited about Saturday!  I've said it over and over again, but the atmosphere of a packed football stadium cheering on the team you've been raised to love since you were born...well, there is just nothing like it in the world.

So yeah, deciding to stay on campus for the weekend instead of going home to see Mom for the holiday turned out not to be a bad thing at all.  I get some one-on-one time with her on Saturday, and it's in one of our most favorite places.  So come Saturday night, if you need me, you'll find me here.

Lavishing Love

I think that everyone has times when they feel God a lot more strongly than they do other times.

Likewise, I think that every Christian has a problem with doubt.  We hit these stages where we really question where God is in the middle of what we're dealing with and what He's doing and maybe everything we thought was absolute truth has more questions in it than we were willing to recognize at first.

I'll be honest.  This week was the first week since this whole headache mess started last year that I really struggled with God and my faith over this.  I started questioning where God is and what He's doing and whether or not all the promises He made really were going to come true when I was stuck in this life that felt like torture.  Friday night with Kyla wasn't the only time I cried, either.  I spent pretty much every night in bed, trying to fall asleep but instead wrestling with God about what was happening to my life.  I felt myself crumbling under the weight of this, feeling so alone despite the knowledge I had of the God who never leaves me.  That knowledge...well, it didn't feel like such certain truth anymore.

But I think God knew I needed to go through the emotional journey I not only have been on for the past year, but also this past week that hurt so deeply in the moment, so that He could bring me to today and set me upright again.

Y'all, I've said this a million times before, but the God that I serve is just so, so cool.  After such a difficult and emotionally draining week, God orchestrated a church service this morning that felt like it was put in place just for me, just to bring healing to my heart that felt so broken.

First, there was the music.



"You Are So Good to Me" by Third Day.
A piece of the lyrics:
You are beautiful, my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful, my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful, my sweet, sweet song
And I will sing again

You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart
You are my Father in heaven
You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart
You are my Father in heaven



"All Who Are Thirsty" by Kutless
All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of His mercy
As deep cries out to deep (we sing)
Come Lord Jesus, come
Come Lord Jesus, come
Come Lord Jesus, come

These first two songs really reminded me that God is so much bigger than my pain.  And He is the Ultimate Healer; even if He doesn't take away the physical pain, He will heal my broken heart if I just let Him.  He is beautiful, and so, so good to me.

The last song, which was done during the offering, is one of my favorites.  I've posted this video many times before.



"Death In His Grave" by John Mark McMillan
This one was the perfect reminder that Jesus defeated all pain and sickness and sadness when he rose from the grave and death died in his place.  I don't have to fight this battle against this pain, because it's already been won.

Then, the sermon came.  It's been a while since one of Pastor Sean's sermons moved me to tears, but when your pastor devotes an entire sermon to prayer just after you've spent a whole week feeling like you really didn't know how to pray anymore, emotions are bound to happen.  The one thing that jumped out at me, though, was when he talked about the story of Jacob grappling with the angel all night, and how he came away with a limp because he had been in the presence of God.  What a smack in the face for me.

At the end, he opened up the altar for prayer like always, and I went up there, and sweet Jenn and Justin came with me.  As soon as I knelt down, I just lost it.  I knew they were there and praying and basically just holding me, but all I could do was sit there and bawl and whisper "God, I need You.  I need to feel You.  Please.  I can't handle this." over and over again.  Those two holding me up like that as I literally sat there sobbing in front of our entire church, they were absolutely the hands of Christ to me today.  It was so beautiful.  It was like God reached down right there in that old movie theater just to tell me yet again, "See?  You have people right here.  You are the furthest thing from alone."

God lavished His goodness and love on me today more than I ever could have asked for.  He knew exactly what I was in desperate need of this morning, and He gave it to me tenfold.  This morning, it was like I got my focus and, more importantly, my heart right back where it needs to be.

I have so many things to be thankful for.  I forgot that temporarily, so self-absorbed on my pain, but this morning was proof that God has filled my life with blessings that are all around me.  All I have to do is look for them.  Every single person who has chosen to walk through this valley with me, they will never know what it means to me, what a gift from God I know that they are.  But particularly Jenn and Justin - they have been there time and time again for me without fail, without wavering or questions, they have prayed for me more than I'm even aware of, pushed me forward towards Christ, and now, literally held me as I was breaking before the Lord.

And as a bonus, I got to go to Cookout with Justin and Jenn for lunch, and it was the perfect icing on the cake of a beautiful morning.  I love those two so much; they are truly my brother and sister in Christ, and I am so blessed to know them.

God already gave me everything by sending His Son to take the death that I deserve, and yet He loves me enough to continue to shower me with blessings even when I doubt, just so He can remind me of what I know to be true.  Thank you, Father.  I am Yours, and I will sing of You forever.

Pride goes before destruction.

Football is back, y'all!

I know, I know, college sports (or professional sports, for that matter) isn't everyone's joy, but it has been eight long months since I got to watch my Wolfpack boys hit the field.  And amazingly, we have 8 of our 12 games at home, which means I get to see a lot of my dear Carter-Finley Stadium, even if it is just on TV.  So needless to say, I've been much looking forward to the start of this season, a new coach, and hopefully a new era for the Red and White.

taken last year when our basketball team made it to the Sweet 16 in the NCAA

But here's something I've been thinking a lot about today, something I think most of us have trouble remembering during sports season.  Every time your team plays, there's another team that plays, too.  And that team has just as faithful of fans as your team does.  So every time you boast about your team and your team's fans, there are opponent fans who read it and see it.  And a lot of the time, those "opponent fans" were people you were close to before the game.  Sports may not be a big deal, but team devotion can bring out the worst in people.  I would know; I've said things about other teams and their fans "in the spirit of being a Wolfpack lover" that I would never dream of saying to people outside of that situation.

Same goes for politics.  In fact, I got a really good lesson in this just today when I responded to a comment someone had made on Twitter about President Obama.  I said something they took as snarky, so they said something snarky in return.  And because I wasn't used to that kind of tone from this person, it left me wondering if I had just screwed up a friendship that means so much to me.  We talked it out later, and when I found out the way they had seen it, I apologized, and thankfully, this person knows me well enough that they wrote back that it was okay because "I know you didn't mean anything by it."

I got lucky that time.  Lucky that that happened with someone who knows my heart very well, well enough to see beyond the times when I inevitably say something wrong.  But I've seen a lot of friendships, and been a part of several of them, be irreparably damaged over things like sports rivalries and opposing political opinions.  And for some reason, all of this today has made me think back to what I said last year before the election, on Twitter where almost all of my followers and I strongly disagree on just about everything political - especially who should have been elected President.

At the end of the day, I like my friends more than I like politics.
— Mallory Jones (@_callmemal) October 4, 2012

I will always, ALWAYS pick my friends and my relationships over politics or sports or any other ultimately trivial hobby, and anybody who knows me knows how much I love both.  But politics doesn't listen to me cry on the phone at midnight.  Sports doesn't text me everyday when I'm in the hospital to make sure I'm okay.  People do.  I don't mean to sound preachy; I'm saying this to myself as much as anyone else, especially after what happened this afternoon.  Hopefully, this lesson will stick with me and I can do better next time.

Your passion about a subject should never be more important than people & relationships or keep you from apologizing when you cross a line.
— Mallory Jones (@_callmemal) August 31, 2013

When I sat down to write this post, the quote "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."  At first, I couldn't decide where it was from, the Bible or Shakespeare (I know, right?! Weird) but Google told me that it is indeed from the Bible.  Proverbs 16:18  And that pretty much confirmed for me that I needed to write this tonight.

Happy football season, y'all.  Try to remember that you loved these people before the season, and be careful to make sure you still love them after.

Letting It Out

Never let it be said that I cry pretty, because I certainly do not.  And tonight I absolutely lost it on the phone with Kyla.  I could probably partially blame it on my period and hormones, but I'm mostly thinking that this was pretty much on the edge for the past few days, and I just needed a time to talk and let it out.  There aren't a whole lot of people I feel safe enough with to cry in front of (save for that whole God breaking me thing at Sanctuary where I couldn't control people seeing me cry), but Kyla is definitely one of them.  God bless her.

That old, sort of cliché saying "Friends are the family God lets you choose" feels so real to me right now.  I try to keep conversations that were as deep and personal  as this one private, but suffice to say, it amazes me how God can connect the hearts of two strangers.  A 70-minute conversation that I spent at least 30 minutes of crying, she gave me all that sweet time of just talking and sharing my heart and fears, and gave the way she sees what I'm going through, and it was such a sweet reminder of how really not alone I am.

At the end, when she knew she needed to call Taylor and I needed to hit the sack, she prayed with me.  And God, sweet faithful God, showed up and answered right then my prayer that I would feel Him.  As I listened to these words of a girl I know cares for me so deeply, I felt Him just wrap His arms around me.  I told her I had goosebumps and she kind of laughed and said, "Those are holy bumps, my friend."  Holy bumps - I like that.

But yeah, I'm ending tonight with a smile on my face, and I seriously didn't think that would happen until about half an hour ago.  Sweet sisters and brothers that I have around me, they really have no idea how much they have been Jesus to me in my darkest moments over the past almost-year, but I thank God for them every day.  I can only hope and pray that I am as faithful of a friend to them.

I need strength.

I'm too exhausted to truly blog tonight, so this is a copy-and-paste of the prayer request I posted on The City (that online community of that church in Texas I've been in touch with for months).  It will give you a pretty clear description of where I am right now.

Well, I think that I can definitively say that the Botox did not work, considering yesterday I couldn’t so much as open my eyes for most of the day and today it took every ounce of willpower and energy I had to make it through my classes.

Certain people in my life, God bless ‘em, are under the impression that I don’t question what God is doing in all of this.  Quite the contrary, I’ve spent a lot of time lately, especially since I realized this round of Botox failed, wondering what the heck the point in all of this is.  What I don’t question is who God is.  I know as well as I know that the sky is blue that my God is who He says He is.

But I’ll be honest, I’m exhausted and scared and beyond frustrated.  Only making it a week into school before I had to miss a day of class and work scares me when this is my last year of undergrad and these two semesters matter so much when I’m trying to get into grad school.  I feel like I can barely hold my head up, and I have a semester ahead of me that isn’t going to slow down in the slightest until it’s over in December.  The load I have this semester is harder than anything I’ve faced so far in college, and I didn’t have to face any of those other semesters in constant, excruciating pain.  And then I get caught up in my own head wondering how I’m going to succeed in grad school if this pain doesn’t go away and I know the load is only heavier there.

I know that God is good, and I know that He’s working this for my good, but it’s really hard to focus on that when I spend every waking hour of the day on the verge of tears.  So what I’m asking for is prayers for strength: strength to keep pressing forward in the work I have ahead of me, strength to fight against the enemy’s attempts to distract me from the love of my Father, strength to trust in Him when I feel so beaten down.  I just need strength.

I’ve gotten a lot of compliments in the past few days about how amazing I am in facing this.  I asked Pastor Chris how I’m supposed to respond because I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job showing people that this is all God and not me, and he gave me the perfect response:  It’s a honor to represent Him.  It IS my honor to represent the Lord, to know that He has chosen me for a story that I have personally seen change people’s lives, but I am still human, and I am exhausted.

Thanks.  Love y’all.

So yeah...that's about it.  I know there are a lot worse problems going on in the world today, but I feel like I'm falling.  Falling and failing and breaking and I just want this not to be so hard.  Some days I feel Him carrying me, some days I don't, and right now I don't and I really wish I did because He's the only one who can help me right now.

I love y'all.  Truly.