Saturday, January 25, 2014

Isn't it messed up how I'm just dyin' to be her?

(Thanks, Twitter, for bringing me back to a song I haven't listened to in close to a decade...)

So there's this boy...

Well, he's much more than a boy, I've been watching him grow into a man, but calling him a boy sounds all cutesy, doesn't it?

Anyway, I've known him for a little while now.  We're not super close, but we know each other well enough for me to know that he's pretty incredible.  I've not just noticed how he acts with me, but also with others.  Classmates.  Friends.  Professors.  Even strangers.  He's a rare breed.

I've also known since day one that he's had a girlfriend since long before we started getting close.  I don't know her, but as far as I can tell, they're happy and very cute together.  And I've always told myself that I would never fall for taken guys, they're one of two groups I promised myself I'd never go after - the other being my sisters' exes...and we all know how that worked out for me.  So knowing from the beginning that, if he were single, he's exactly the kind of guy I'd be interested in, I tried really hard to keep myself held back.  (Yeah.  I know.)

I got pretty smitten with him pretty early on.  He's one of those guys that tends to be a little flirtatious with every girl he knows, despite his relationship status, and this newbie couldn't separate the "it's just how he is" from "oh man, he's adorable".  They were just little things, you know.  Like how he'd hold onto me for just a second longer than necessary when I gave him a hug.  Or how he'd grab my hand and squeeze it and smile anytime we said goodbye.  But enough to make me get the butterflies.  Ohhhh, the butterflies.  Pesky little things, aren't they?

But then I got up a nerve to send in a question about him to an anonymous online advice column.  The responder gave me a good and much-needed reality check about him and the whole scenario, and I calmed down after that.  I didn't see him so much over the next few weeks/month because my health got so crazy, and I just sort of...moved on.  Funny how crushes work. ;)  I even saw him again last week and still felt like I was over it.  So yay, right?

For some reason, though, I've been sitting here tonight thinking about him...and her...and, as the title of this post says, sort of just dying to be her.  Don't ask me why.  I haven't seen him.  Heck, I haven't seen anyone today!  Maybe it's because another friend of mine got engaged today, and it feels like everywhere I turn people I know are in serious relationships headed for engagement.  Maybe it's me trying to distract myself from the guy I know I have feelings for.  Maybe it's just me dying to be somebody's girl, wondering why God is taking so long, if I really am the only 21-year-old girl in America who's never had a boyfriend outside of, like, the Duggars. (Yes, I know I'm not, I'm just venting.)

I wish I knew why this came on out of the blue.  I wish I knew when I'll get to be that girl.  I wish I knew where that guy is, or what it'll take for me to get to him.  I wish I had the resilience to be okay with waiting.  I wish I had the peace to not be jealous of other girls.  Most days I do, but some days...some days, I'm just dying to be her.

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