Scars

We sang this song in church today.  Somehow, I knew it was going to be this song before the band even started playing or the lyrics popped up on the screen behind them.  It's been stuck in my head all day since, especially after I had a very long chat with a dear, dear girlfriend of mine.

Oh, I need you Jesus
To come to my rescue.
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by
Which I am saved.
Capture me with grace.
I will follow you.

It's an amazing song, and I absolutely love to sing it, but something about hearing those lyrics today just gave me goosebumps.  I wasn't entirely sure why until I talked to my friend Michal today.  We haven't had a good chat in ages, so we talked for quite a while, mostly me catching her up on all the drama going on in my life as of late and her giving me her oh-so-wise perspective, though the roles did reverse for a bit.  I adore this girl.  I can't wait to see her again when I go back to Nashville.

At the end, when we both really needed to go, she prayed over the both of us, like she always does.  But what she prayed for me today hit me like a ton of bricks as I realized how perfect the song from this morning was.

She prayed for God to heal me of my scars.

Scars of loneliness.

Of fear.

Of worry I'll never be loved by a man.

Of heartache from my past, and wounds that I thought had healed but clearly haven't.

Of pain.

Of feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone to love me or desire me, let alone for the Lord to love me and desire me the way that He does.

And those lyrics were running through my head.  I need Him to come to my rescue, and rescue me from the scars that are covering me.  I need Him to come rescue me and wash me new, every single day, because I'm bound to forget it over and over again.

Michal knows that I know that God is the Ultimate Sustainer, but sometimes I get caught up in still being just that scared and lonely little girl who just wants a boy to tell her he loves her and wants her.  I've been working so hard lately to make God the #1 priority in my life, and lately, I've gotten sidetracked by guys in a major way.  Two guys who were already very, very dear to me, and whom I know I've held feelings for for a long time, but two guys that I know I can't be with...one of them at least for right now, the other probably never at all.

I believe that they are good people.  Kind.  Caring.  Protective.  Smart.  Witty.  Humble.  So many things that I would want...except for the fact that they're not Christians.  And I know what the Bible says about being "unequally yolked", and I've had several wise girlfriends remind me of it.  And I know what I need to do if I mean it when I say that God is the center of my life.  As Michal said today, I know those are the facts - that's the easy, black-and-white part of it.  What is so, so very gray is the fact that knowing that isn't stopping me from wanting to be with either of them, isn't making me any more willing to tell them flat out that I can't be with them because they're not Christian, simply because I'm scared of hurting them, of making them think that I think they're not good enough for me.

But this is what I'm most scared of:  in my heart, I'm scared that if I turn both of these guys away, if I don't let either of them keep pursuing me like they are, another one won't come along again.  And you don't need to feed me those lines about how "I'm 21 and I have so much time to find a husband".  I know.  Trust me, I know.  But again, knowing the facts doesn't subdue my emotions in any way.  I'm 21 years old and have never had a boyfriend, I'm watching all of my closest friends, and plenty of not-so-close friends, find the loves of their lives and get engaged and married, and here I am.  Alone.  It's really hard to feel like you're enough on your own when your heart is overwhelmed by the feeling that no one loves you or wants you...at least like that.

I want to be one of those girls who is totally content in it just being me and God, and using this time to just mature as a woman of God, but with both of these guys showing up like this so close to each other, it feels impossible not to want them and to only want Him.  I'm screwing this up so badly.

Jesus, I need you to come to my rescue.  Heal me of these scars.  Help me to believe that I am beautiful and worthy.  But help me to believe that you are enough for this stage of my life, and that your love is enough to heal my hurting heart.