Friday, June 27, 2014

Seek and Find

My mom and I were fighting for the past 24 hours.  There was lots of yelling and accusations on both sides.  And then we got past it, I think.  At least I did.  Three cheers for two emotional women trapped in a house together.

But I've been reflecting on everything that was said, and one thought has been stuck in my head.  I don't say any of this to throw my mother under the bus, please understand that.  It seems to me that one of the recurring problems in our fights is that I end up feeling like my mom is constantly invalidating my feelings.  She frequently tells me I'm being ridiculous when I try to tell her what I'm feeling, or what I think is happening in a situation is wrong, or things like that.

But that's got me thinking...why am I asking her to validate me?  Why do I care if she thinks my feelings are worth having?  The very essence of my being is that my worth comes from God and God alone.  Yes, I respect my mom and I want to honor her, but she doesn't have to like the way I feel for it to be okay.  God knows my heart, I want God to lead my heart, that's what matters.

I'm a people pleaser, especially with my mom.  I've spent pretty much every day of my life trying to be good enough for her and trying to make her happy and proud.  I'm not saying that that's a bad thing, I'm just saying it can't be such a high priority anymore.  Not just because it's exhausting, but because nothing can come before pleasing God, and pleasing God and pleasing my mom will almost never be the same thing because she doesn't want to please God.

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Validation from God is the only kind of validation that matters, and that's the validation that I never, ever have to work for.  I didn't have to find it.  It was given to me right from the start.

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