Knowing someone is in control of the whole universe and everything in it is hard enough on a good day, but when you've got big problems to deal with, it's even harder not to be afraid. At least that's my opinion.
I've probably said this before, at least I know i've said it in person, but one of my biggest struggles with my faith is knowing full well that God is totally capable of taking care of my problems/struggles, but not totally believing that God will take care of them.
This has often been an issue with my chronic pain. It scares me sometimes to think that God's plan for my future may include a lot more pain than I am okay with or prepared to handle.
But now, it's really an issue with this whole loan problem and the lack of money for NYU. I know that God can provide the money, but I'm scared that it won't happen and I'll be stuck in Swansboro for another year.
I am powerless to whatever God wants to do. And while in my gut I know that that is a good thing because God is soooo much better at running my life than I am, I'm not exactly happy about it. Because what if I don't get to go to NYU in August? What if God's plan for my life isn't me going to grad school? What if what feels right to me isn't actually right?
I need to get out of here. I'm already miserable enough here this summer, and that was when I had NYU as the light at the end of the tunnel. I need to start my life on my own away from all the drama, away from the responsibility people expect me to have to be the peacemaker, to be the one who just goes along with everyone else. I need it. And I'm scared it's not going to happen.
But you know what? If I don't have my faith, I have nothing. If I don't have trust in God, I have no idea who God really is.
Surrender is hard. But it's so worth it.