On Grace

"He is faithful, even when we're not."

These were Taylor's parting words to me tonight.  We finally got to have a lengthy talk after weeks of life keeping us both so busy we barely had time for communication.  Which is different for us because for quite a while there, we were regularly talking at least once a week.  And considering the details of what last night's post entailed, I knew I could really use a chat with him.  He's still probably the person that I can be the most open with; despite the fact that Matt and Ryann truly are my best friends, I can't be this open with them, especially not about God and my faith because they just don't get it.  Taylor gets it.  Over the past year+ since my week in Nashville, we have formed a bond that means we somehow just instinctively know what the other one means, what they need from us - whether it's advice or just an ear to listen.  This is probably my easiest friendship.

But anyway, we spent a good 40 minutes talking tonight, and not only was it just good to catch up with him, I got to talk to him about a lot of the stuff I wrote about last night and in other recent posts.  How I feel like such a mess lately.  How sometimes I want to punch Chelsea in the face (I'm so thankful I can say things like that with him with no judgment).  How much of an outsider I feel like when I'm with my family.

But the biggest thing that I talked about was how I feel like my mood and actions around my family are me failing God.  Taylor reminded me of something I forget so easily and so often because of my perfectionist tendencies.  Of course I'm going to fail God - I'm human!  Failing is kind of in my nature ever since that whole eating the forbidden fruit in the garden thing way back.

This is what grace is for.  Grace means God loves me unconditionally, in spite of my failures and shortcomings.  Grace means God loves me in spite of me.  This isn't like my job at Hardee's - God's never going to fire me from being His child.  This a gift, a gift that, once accepted, is never taken back.  I have to stop living in fear that this failure is "the one" - the one that's going to make God finally give up on me.  Every time that I lose my cool with my family, every time that I think or say or do something that I shouldn't and that doesn't reflect my faith in Christ, God loves me just the same as He does when I am ministering to people, going to church, being "good" - because even my "good" is still wicked (Isaiah 64:6).

Grace is what saved me (Ephesians 2:8).  Grace is given to me now, in all of my imperfections.  There is no such thing as God giving up on us after Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.  If there was, I'm about 1000% certain my baptism wouldn't have happened.  So now I just have to learn to stop beating myself up for all of my failures and shortcomings because God knows I've screwed up and He loves me just the same, anyway.

Even when I question what He is doing with my journey with chronic pain, He is faithful to craft my story in the most beautiful way, a way I could never pull off on my own.  He hears my questions and doubts and frustration, and is patient and faithful to ease my nerves and calm my heart.  This reminds me of one of my favorite song lyrics, a song I first heard the night of my baptism.

I have to learn to give myself the same grace that God shows me.  If He can love me through all of my mess-ups, the least I should be able to do is love myself.  Besides, He is so much bigger than my sin.

I can feel Him working...growing and stretching me from the inside out.  Sometimes it's been kind of painful, but at my core, I know that it's all for my good and His glory.  And that's what matters.

Where Joy Comes From

Today, I slept pretty much all day.  I'm not sure why.  I didn't realize I was that exhausted.  And when I was awake, I sort of felt this overwhelming desire just to not deal with the world today.

Truth is, I've felt like my life is a bit of a mess lately.  I should be used to it; this feeling seems to pop up and be the most intense when I'm at home for extended periods of time.  Things with the family are...typical, and I just can't stop thinking about how badly I don't want to be here.  How I want to be back at school where things make sense and I feel like I have a grip on my life.

Depression runs in my family.  Mom, Holly, Chelsea, and I have all dealt with it to varying degrees over the years.  I don't think I'm depressed right now, but I know that I could easily fall into that hole again if I'm not careful and intentional about relying on God.

Writing this out reminds me of something that Taylor and I have talked about several times over our countless phone chats.  Depression is a lack of joy.  And joy, true and pure joy, is something that can only come from the Lord and not this world.  I think being home, I tend to be much more forgetful of the fact that my worth does not come from this world, that my joy is not reliant on my location or situation or circumstance, but both come from God and the knowledge I have down to my core that I am first and foremost His child.  As His child, I am loved completely.  I am clean and righteous because of what Jesus did to take the blame and pay the price for my sin.

I realize that I have a much harder time remembering that my joy is not found in the state of my family when I am at home.  It comes from God, and the trust that I am living the life He has called me to live right now, even if it is so very painful for me some days.  When I try to draw my joy from the world around me, I lose the ability to show my family Jesus, especially when they are driving me crazy.  I'm placing blame on them for things that are really issues in my own heart, things I need to work out with God on my own and ask for His transformational power to overtake me.

I can't change my heart towards my family; only God can do that.  Which is just all the more reason that I need to dig into His Word more and make my time with Him a priority.  That's the only way that I'm going to get my head and my focus out of the whirlwind of drama that surrounds me and turn my eyes back to God.  There I will find the joy that lies waiting for me in the arms of my Father.  It's the only place I can find what I'm so desperately searching for.

And that joy, that true, pure, God-given, inexplicable joy, is what is going to keep me calm as I deal with this intense pain until my doctor appointment, and even more to August 18th when I can return to Campbell and my life there.

Lord, help me.  I can't do this on my own.  I need You.  I'm done fighting it.  I know You want the best for me, so help me give up the control I'm clinging to so I can obtain the joy a life that abides in You holds.

It's just for a summer.

This job.  It's exhausting.

Every time, I come home wanting to do nothing but climb straight into bed.

And every shift I'm plagued with a feeling that I'm never going to be good enough to please my managers.

Especially when all 4 managers like to contradict each other.

But it's a job.

A job that's getting me money I need.

I really liked the manager that was on tonight.

He made sure I clocked out on time, instead of making me stay until the whole restaurant was spotless.

But still.

It's exhausting.

But it's just for the summer.

I can do anything for a summer.

I don't have a choice.  I need this job.

So I will carry on.  For I am nothing if not strong-willed. ;)

So much for a day off.

I got called into work today.

It was supposed to be 4-9.

I clocked out at 10:50.

I spent 95% of that time cleaning.

I didn't get a break.

I was about to pass out by the time Mom picked me up.

I'm exhausted.

Good night.

I just fell asleep while writing this post.

So work sent me home absurdly early again, this time allegedly because they were slow.  I don't know how I'm supposed to ever get good at this job if I'm never there, but emotionally, it was a good thing because I felt like I couldn't do anything right today.

So instead of working 7 to 2, I laid in bed most of the day, and helped with Blake some while Mom cooked this afternoon.  I've been watching the TV show Nashville online; Mom watched it while it was airing on ABC this TV season but I just didn't feel like it and I felt weird about the idea of seeing a television version of a city I've actually been to and the scene in Nashville that I've learned quite a bit about from The Vespers, until this summer when I decided what the heck, I'd see why my mom and my Twitter friends freaked out about this show.....Yeah....I'm through 16 of 21 episodes and I just started 72 hours ago.  I watched 8 episodes today alone.  It's that good.  It will definitely be added to my TV schedule this fall.  And thankfully, Mom will be out with Blake part of the day tomorrow, so I should have no trouble getting the last 5 episodes in on my day off.

Part of the reason I stayed in bed all day is because I bruised my knee caps while cleaning the windows and doors today, and because my ankles and feet still have this burning ache thanks to yesterday.  It literally feels like they're bruised down to the bone.  So walking is pretty excruciating.  Add into that my head being absolutely awful again today, and I'm basically just a giant mess.

I am so glad  I am off tomorrow.  After how insane yesterday was, I can only imagine how much worse it is going to be tomorrow.  Plus I could use the extra sleep.  I don't know what else to say.  It was an average day, and as the title says, I literally fell asleep just now with my hands still on the keyboard, so I am off to bed.

Some Math For You

5 hours of sleep

+

6 hour shift

+

Saturday

+

Saturday of a holiday weekend

+

my first Saturday at work

+

my fourth day overall

+

NO BREAK

=

an absolutely drop-dead exhausted Mal who is still aching 9+ hours after she got off

Oh. my. heavens.  Today was insane.  In the whole 6 hours, I barely spent any time cleaning because there were so many people and they seemed to come in huge waves, so I was pretty much constantly at the register, and secondarily checking on guests and getting refills and such.  It was nice not to have to clean so much, for sure, especially not the bathrooms. :)   It was crazy; the amount of money I put in the safe at the end of my shift was more than double, almost triple, what it's been on the other days.  But uh yeah, Saturdays are definitely a whole different ball game in the restaurant world.  Thankfully a coworker told me that Sundays don't really get busy until after church, and I only work until 2.  :)

Today was a much, much harder day, but it was, thankfully, also a much better one.  I'm remembering the menu better and where to find stuff, and the money value for all the items I had to delete (every time you put something wrong into an order, a manager has to authorize the removal with a card swipe and the register keeps a total of the items and prints the list and their costs on your receipt you get at the end of your shift) today was half of what it was yesterday, so my managers could see that I'm getting better.

I'm glad I wasn't my manager today.  Things kept breaking.  First it was the drink machine at the beverage bar that customers can access, so on top of making food and then, at lunch, delivering the food to tables and such, we also had to make everyone's drinks behind the counter.  And my manager told me apparently a couple of the ovens, or pieces to the ovens or something, broke, so he was on the phone with repairmen and all that.  And then, right when he was finally telling me I could end my shift and tally up my register, my screen totally froze and locked on its own, and when he restarted it, this weird screen popped up and it took more than five minutes to get where I could totally end my shift.  So yay, add to the chaos.

They didn't intentionally not give me a break, either, by the way.  It was just so busy so much of the time, and right when I thought we were at a lull and I could take a break, I asked permission from my manager and he said to give him a minute and then bam, another huge wave of people came in.  He offered to give me a break at 12:20, but since I was due to get off at 1, I figured there was no point and I just kept working.

So yeah, today was good.  Physically grueling, but good.  I was pretty much limping by 12:15 because that was when the pain that had been solely in my feet decided to branch out into my legs and hips.  So I looked weird, but not something I could really help because, like I said, no break.  It made me realize that after this summer I am never ever ever working in fast food ever again, but it was good. :)  And now I'm gonna go to bed because with 5 hours of sleep and a day like this, I sure as heck do need it.

I'm just praying my feet stop aching before I have to stand on them for 7 more hours tomorrow.

And thank the Lord I am off Monday.

Long Day

Oy.

Today made me realize two very important things:  1) It is, physically, going to be a very grueling summer. and 2) Weekdays and weekends are very, very different things in the restaurant world.

Oh me oh my.  Today was the first lunch shift I worked, and it was crazy seeing these rushes of people come in.  There were also some good breakfast rushes, too.  I thought I was never going to get a break because the people just kept on coming.  Needless to say, I got my full 7 hour shift in and just about dropped when I got home.

The good news is that I had a talk with my manager today and he's so nice, we came up with a couple ideas that will still allow me to work plenty of hours but not be so strained.  I'm hoping what he'll do is start putting me in the afternoons and evenings when the pace is slower.  We'll see.  He had some concerns, but told me not to feel discouraged and that I'm not in trouble or anything.  It'll be okay.

Day 2 of 4 is done.  I'm exhausted.  Thankfully I managed not to take a nap when I got home today, so I should sleep good.  But I need to get to bed. 5:15 comes early!

Just another work day.

I have nothing to say today.

I went to work.

I worked.

They sent me home two and a half hours before my shift ended and that irritated me because I want hours.

And then I got a massive upset stomach as soon as I got home, so thanks, universe.

I took a nap to feel better, but Chelsea kept waking me up so it wasn't a very effective nap.

I did learn that while I was thinking that taking a full 30-minute break would be difficult, those 30 minutes go by really quickly.  And I'm kind of forced to take the full 30 minutes because the registers won't let you clock back in early.  They literally lock you out.

I like work.  It feels good to work.  But I'm kind of hoping I'm not on the early shift the entire summer because they did ask me what I prefer and getting up at 5:30, now it'll be 5:15 because I realized I need more time, really sucks.  Haha such is life.  If they will give me hours, I will work whenever they tell me to.

On to tomorrow.

How many days left?

28.

28 days until my appointment with the specialist.  And that's just to start getting help.  I'm not going to get answers that day.

Today and yesterday were awful pain days, not letting up at all, and the idea of going to work for the next 4 days in a hat that squeezes my head so bad and just makes the pain ten times worse kind of stresses me out.

I'm tired.  So tired.

Tired of the pain.

Tired of wasting days in bed because I can't open my eyes.

Tired of feeling like being awake is a chore.

I'm just tired.  I want it to stop so badly, but I know that God has written this story for me for a reason, and I need to walk it out because He's going to do something awesome with it.  I have to believe that.

Oh the irony.

A large portion of the reason I wanted to get a job this summer was so I could have time out of the house and away from Chelsea.

So OF COURSE, my first week on the job and we get the exact same days off.  Which means I got to wake up to being called a fat cow this morning.  Lovely.  I'm praying she'll just leave me alone tomorrow.

Also, I dropped the handheld mouse to my computer today and shattered it so bad it busted the circuit board.  Impressive, no?  So I told Mom the one thing I want from her for my birthday is for her to pay to get my actual laptop mouse fixed.  It should be pretty cheap.

I didn't do a lot today.  Just cleaning.  And I hung out with Mom.  It was bad pain wise, though.  But overall it was a good day, I guess.