This week I've been a mess. I couldn't explain the awful sad feeling I had, I just knew I couldn't get it to go away. Just as I would think it was leaving, it would pop back up and I would cry more tears than I knew it was possible to hold. It wasn't until tonight that I figured out the explanation for this feeling I've had...it was when Kyla and the Sanctuary band were singing "Oceans" by Hillsong and they got to the lines "And I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours, and You are mine." that I finally could put words to this ache I've had. I've felt like I was on the edge of drowning.
Drowning in stress.
Drowning in fear.
Drowning in pain.
It's not been pretty.
Actually, it's been a legit fight to keep my eyes focused on God as the world tries to get me to focus on anything and everything else, namely myself.
I think it's when I got too focused on myself that the drowning feeling set in.
Every day that this pain goes on, every time it gets worse just when I think it can't possibly be any more painful, I've been wondering how I was going to handle it with final exams instead of letting go and reminding myself that I don't have to handle it because God is.
And every day that I spend not letting God handle is another day I waste drowning in the sorrows of this world that are just too much for any human heart or mind to bear by itself. Sorrows like the Boston bombing. Sorrows like a young woman getting stabbed to death by her husband's supposed best friend. Sorrows like the pain that sometimes cripples me. We weren't made to handle stuff like this on our own. That's why we need God.
My mama always told me that nothing worth having ever came without a fight or at a price. There is no one and nothing more worthy of my fight than the Lord. If it weren't for Him, I wouldn't have any fight left in me. And it's when I stop fighting to continue my chase after the Lord that the enemy wins. I'm not willing to give up everything I've gained in the past year.
So I'm going to keep searching for Jesus, even as the waters rise. Even as the pain goes on and the answers continue not to come, I'm going to keep my eyes on the Lord. He's the only One that can pull me out of these waters and keep the waves from swallowing me whole.
Lord, help me to surrender this fight again and again, every single day. Come to my rescue.