The past few days of being home have presented a challenge I didn't expect. Chelsea being her usual angry self, I'm used to. Near-constant screaming and fighting, a normal day in this house.
What I didn't expect was for my mother to start mocking everything she knows is incredibly important to me. My faith, my church family, The Vespers - whom she well knows are the ones who brought me back to Christ in the first place. Everything that scares her about my life. And what was worse when my mother looked me in the eye and said she didn't like the person I'm becoming.
It started on the ride home Sunday, and while I hoped it was just a one-time thing, it continued on into yesterday to the point that I've barely spoken to her today. I know I've never been good at letting things roll off my back, but it's even harder to do that when these hurtful words are coming from one of the people I love most in the world.
I think that's why it hurts so bad - because I love her so much. I want her to like me, and I'll be honest, hearing these things from her caused me to do some serious reflection. Not about my faith, or my church, or The Vespers, but wondering if this journey I'm on of growing closer to Christ is going to cost me one of my most valued relationships.
It wasn't until I was texting Chris (Plekenpol) earlier today for his advice/wisdom that I came to a realization. "The Bible says time and time again that your faith will cost you. If my relationship with my mom has to suffer as my relationship with Christ strengthens, so be it."
Do I love my mom? Yes, absolutely, more than I can put into words, more than I think even she realizes sometimes. But here's the thing - I love my God more. The past couple of years have been the most eye-opening, joyous years of my life. I have learned and done things I never could have done had God not come chasing after me as He did. I'm not going back for anything, not even my mother.
As I sat here trying to find the words for how I feel in order to write tonight's blog post, I kept thinking back to a line I heard in this video from Lecrae.
Do you know that you were bought with a price?
A price. Securing my eternal safety cost God everything.
"'Cause even though my sin delivered the whips that ripped the skin from his bones, on a cross he would die to deliver me home. See, he saved my life, so I owe him everything, and he loves me with no conditioning." - Nick Vitellaro, "Sincerely Freedom"
He saved me. How can I not give him everything of me? How could I dare say to my Father, "Sorry, I was down with this whole 'following you' thing until it started costing me my relationships?" My mother didn't save me from hell. I am not hers; I am His.
So as much as it hurts, I'm going to keep on being who I am and loving my God as passionately as I can. And as much as I pray that my mom's eyes are opened to the life that waits for her by walking with Jesus, I also pray that in the meantime, even if she doesn't understand my decisions, she'll at least respect them. I know that's possible - Matt doesn't understand Christianity, but he knows I pray for him and doesn't hate this part of me, a part that's becoming a larger piece of who I am every single day. Hopefully one day (soon) it will be everything that I am and see myself as.
I was bought with the greatest price there is to pay. I owe him everything. There's no other option.