Last night, I decided I wanted to look at the back of my head, just to see the damage I was working with. I honestly didn't think it would bother me. I just wanted to see it. But as I angled the handheld mirror to look back into my bathroom mirror, I saw just how much hair I had lost, and it hit me. Everything that I've been through in the past two and a half weeks hit me. Then, my mom took the bandages off because they were peeling up anyway, and it hit me even harder. It's hard to explain, but it didn't seem quite so real until then.
Suddenly, I became superficial. All I could think about was the fact that my cute hair is gone. Why something that's never mattered to me mattered a lot all of a sudden, I don't know, but it did and does. My mom and I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to rectify the shave job Dr. F did on my hair, and we can't come up with any style that's remotely close to what a normal 17-year-old girl would want to have. And it sucks.
I know I shouldn't care. I should just be grateful that I'm alive right now, and I am, but I'm still a teenage girl. I'm leaving for college in just over a week, and when I walk on that campus, I don't want my scars to be screaming "look at the freak!" But when the back of my head is completely shaved, like we've decided I'll have to do, it'll be like a giant red arrow following right behind me. Trust me - you can't miss the incisions on the back of my head. And there's not a hat on this planet that will fit my head, either.
This seems so stupid. I should just be thankful that I still get to go to college this semester. I am. But I'm still 17 years old and I still just want to fit in and blend in. My entire life, I've tried really hard to avoid any attention that wasn't academics-related. I want to go to school and have people want to get to know me, not either ask six billion questions about my head or be so freaked out they won't want to come near me.
You don't need to tell me "It's just hair. It'll grow back." Please don't tell me that. I know that. I know it's just hair. But it means a lot when you're a teenage girl. Especially one who's facing an entirely new world at the same time she's trying to deal with recovering from something like this.
I completely understand. While I had skull tumors removed way back when I was in 1st grade, I still have the scars, and bald spots to show for it. I'm 44 and I still have to deal with it!! One wrong clip and the top of my head is bare! Change my hairstyle and it HURTS because my hair follicles have to work against the grain of the scars. I still have headaches from time to time because of my hair!!
ReplyDeleteSo while yes, it will grow back, there is a constant reminder of how much it sucks. I bet you can find some cool scarves and hats to wear while it comes back in.
Hair is important. Don't feel shallow for being sad about it. You have a good heart, and God sees that. I don't believe God would ever be disappointed in your desire to have what you feel is beautiful hair. One of the names for the devil is the accuser. So, be free, beautiful lady, I pray that your hair will grow back fast and you will feel as beautiful as we all know you are. :)
ReplyDeleteThe Other Mallory
(((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteIf it were me, I'd take a Sharpie and write a scripture reference in the bald spot, with a happy face, and let the whole world see it.
I know that approach wouldn't work for you, it's a lot tougher in your situation, as a teenager, first week of College, trying to make some friends. Those who see beyond the hair will be the friends worth keeping.
Thinking of you!!
Mallory, why are you so hard on yourself. It is okay to want beautiful hair. It sounds as if the doom prophets that tell you that if you are a Christian you must disregard your looks had hold of you. Ignore them. We are women and I believe that part of God's plan for us is to be beautiful. I fully understand your misgivings about arriving at college with a bald patch. Can you really not find some kind of hat or hair covering that will fit? Good luck, I'll be thinking of you and I agree with JD - those who look beyond the hair will be worthy friends.
ReplyDeleteI love JD's suggestion!! First off... you rock either way. Secondly... I will tell you just like I will tell Kyleigh some day... those scars are MERIT badges. You have EARNED those and they have been hard fought. Wear them with pride and when someone asks you WHY .. tell them with your head held high. There are few in the world who have faced what you have and you should give yourself more credit!
ReplyDeleteAs for the hair... dude.. I think you would rock bald! I have considered going completely bald after they do my incision for my crainiotomy!!!
I don't think you sound superficial one bit. Last September I woke up one morning and my entire face was covered in acne. It was absolutely awful and nothing I tried even came close to covering it up. I became so self concious and was convinced that everyone who walked by me was just staring thinking "geez why doesn't that girl do something about her skin?" It was the worst feeling ever and it stunk. I was away at college too, with girls who were gorgeous and judgemental and boys who were the same. Finally I got an appointment with a dermatologist and after many attempts with different medicines, we found one that is working. But it took almost a year. And let me tell you, it was one rough year. But I made it through!! And you will too. It will not always be easy, but I'll be thinking about you! Look at what you've already been through...you can do this!! God Bless!
ReplyDeleteLaura