Freedom. Sweet, sweet freedom.

At 3:06 pm today, I emailed in my second and final paper for the semester. (One more semester until I have my Master's. AH!)

I AM DONE!

And with my internship secured, plus all the Ph.D. applications done, I have absolutely no work to do for the next month.

Last Christmas break, I had all of those big papers weighing on me to make up from my shoulder surgery delaying everything.

Now here's just hoping I don't get sick and kill a bunch of time that way.

I shouldn't get sick, though. Because last year was so awful I ended up in the hospital, I'm just automatically going to Mommom's house and living at her house for the break. We're also going to Myrtle Beach for a week between Christmas and New Year's, so that will be fun.

The downside to being at her house is that she has no wifi. First world problems, I know. I could blog from my phone, but it's such a pain, plus that would use a lot of data, PLUS I cracked my screen a few days ago and am not sure when over break I'll get it replaced. So my blogging will be very scarce over the next few weeks, unless the place we stay at in Myrtle Beach has wifi. But I plan on keeping a journal and will come back and post anything blog-worthy once I'm back in the world of the internet.

I'm so ready to go home. Holly got to go back for a week this summer, but I haven't been back since last Christmas. I'm ready to see Mom again, and Blake! I can't wait to see how big he is now. I'm a little nervous about spending 3.5 weeks with that crazy crowd, but getting to Campbell is my light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't tell my family, but I think I'm more excited to see my people at Campbell than I am to see them.

Okay. Shave. Shower. Chill until my hair dries some. Sleep. That is the rest of my night.

I'm so happy.

Good news!

I got an internship! And at the place that I wanted!

January 18th, literally the day after I fly back to New York, I start at Advancing Human Rights, an organization that helps political dissidents in other countries and, well, you know, advances human rights.

I had the interview last week, and I knew from that point that I really like the people there and if they wanted me, I was going to say yes. It's such a chill environment.

The director had me call him yesterday and told me that they were really impressed by me and "We thought, 'Yeah, we'd like to hang out with this person,'" which cracked me up.

I'm super excited to get started there. I'm not entirely sure what I will be doing, but I know two facets will involve French translating (yay I get to use my French!) and proofreading, because they specifically asked me about those two things. AKA two things I'm really good at so thumbs up for that one.

I won't be talking much about it here on the blog because I don't want to mess up and say something that could jeopardize the work they do, I just want to post that I got it because I'm so happy. God is so good for not letting me get the internship this current semester, because then I wouldn't have gotten this one. I can't wait to see what comes out of the next few months.

When I thanked the director for giving me the opportunity, he said "No, we always thank our interns because you are gifting us with your time, knowledge, and talents, and that's the best thing you can give us." I replied, "Well, you're getting me to graduate on time, so that's the best thing you can give me." And I'm so glad I don't have to worry about finding one while I'm in North Carolina.

One more paper and I will be done with everything for this semester. I'm so ready for a break. I know the four weeks that I'm home are going to fly by, though, so I'm going to do my best to enjoy every second of it.

Blessings in Obedience

Today at church, the message was titled "When God Shows Up." It was our Christmas service, so Pastor Ben talked about how Christmas symbolizes God coming down into the messiness. We don't have to pretend like everything is great and beautiful just because it's the Christmas season, because God purposely chose to insert himself here when he came in the form of that little baby. It's the ultimate story of God showing up for us.

His message was really short because he said they were going to have a couple testimonies shared of God showing up in their lives. Well, while the first one was happening, my sweet friends Betsy and Adam talking about the journey they had to go on to get their son Teddy, I started getting this nudge that I had something to say. At first I thought 'well they have this planned out and Ben didn't ask me to talk and I don't want to be rude' and yada yada yada, but that feeling just kept getting stronger that God was telling me I needed to get up and say what was on my heart.

So I snuck down the side of the theater to Ben and whispered asking could I please have a couple minutes to say something? He said yeah as long as I could keep it really short, which I knew was only because the movie theater people need us out of there at a certain time. So believe it or not, I actually managed to say what I needed to say in about 3 minutes. I know, it's amazing for me!

Here's the thing. As Adam and Betsy spoke, I realized that one of the biggest ways God has shown up in my life in the past couple of years is that he brought me to City Grace. I wouldn't have even heard about or looked up this church if the data in the map app on my phone wasn't wrong in telling me its location. I moved here knowing that finding a church was the best thing for me to do, that I needed a community, but after getting kicked out of one as a teenager and never being truly accepted at another as a new Christian in college, I was scared. I was scared to put myself out there again. I was scared to start at another church and find out that I didn't belong there, either. And I remember when I first started coming to City Grace, I was terrified of really trusting anyone. They seemed so nice, but it seemed too good to be true. Sound familiar?

But God showed up in my life big time when he brought me to this family. They are the people who carried me through all of this craziness since I moved here - all the seizures, the shoulder surgery, both of the tumor scares. They showed me what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ when they brought me food every day after my surgery and checked in on me. They're the first church community that when they say they'll pray for me, I believe they'll actually be praying for me.

Because of City Grace, I found healing from my old bad experiences. Because of City Grace, I learned that though the people in the church are not Jesus, when they do get it right, it's the most beautiful thing in the world. Because of City Grace, I'm not scared anymore. I know that if I leave NYC to pursue my Ph.D. (which honestly will likely happen, but we'll see), I will be brave enough to find another church. Because of City Grace, I will always have family in this city, no matter where I end up.

Ben said to the congregation that me speaking wasn't planned but "how can I say no to someone asking to share how God has shown up for them?" I felt kind of bad after the fact for ambushing him, but he didn't seem to mind because I did keep it short so we still managed to get out of the theater on time. And so many people came up to thank me afterwards for sharing what I did, even a girl who had only been there three times so really knew nothing about me. It was weird, I actually got a little choked up while I was speaking, and I honestly don't remember the last time that happened. But it was so worth it. I wanted to share that and tell the people there who have supported me so faithfully from the beginning just how much God has used them to help me in my life. And I was grateful and relieved to hear that so many other people appreciated it, so I didn't waste their time.

Really, though, the biggest reason that I'm glad I did it is because I really felt it was God telling me to get up and go down there. I was scared Ben would say no, but I knew I had to try. So I got up and went. I was scared people wouldn't understand the point I was trying to say, but I spoke. I got shaky and emotional and for a second wondered what I was doing, but I finished it. Obedience isn't always easy, but God always makes it worth it. And tonight, I'm glad I don't have to go to bed wondering if I should have said something.

Be brave, friends. Even the smallest thing can seem so overwhelming when we know God is calling us into it, I know that. But thankfully, we serve a God who is bigger than anxiety and fear and who can get you through anything that he's calling you to do as long as you're willing. I never thought that public speaking would be something I would get nervous about, but God gave me the courage to get up and ask, the wisdom to say what I needed to say and do it succinctly, and the peace to do it to the end without losing my composure. And he blessed my obedience in getting up by giving me unplanned words that ended up touching a lot of people.

I've known for a while that God has given me a platform of sorts to minister to and help people with the things that I've learned through my life story. I'm glad I got up upon his prodding today, and I pray for the faithfulness to continue to listen out for his leadings. Because I'm learning that in being obedient and helping others through sharing my story, I'm helping myself, too.

The Hunting Ground

Thanks to an article on People.com, I learned about a documentary called The Hunting Ground, an insight into the epidemic that is rape and sexual assault on college campuses.

It was so well done. I loved how it went from dark and depressed and painful to slowly building up to empowerment and resilience and the survivors and allies starting a movement for change.

But mostly, it just made me sick. It made me sick to see how colleges and universities have made victim-blaming the norm, how they've chosen to protect their image and reputation for future students  and their donations instead of protecting their students from predators. Their lack of concern for victims and their atrocious investigative and adjudicative processes are horrifying. You wouldn't believe some of the "punishments" schools have come up with: one-day suspensions, $25 fines, writing a paper, 50 hours of community service at a sexual assault crisis center...Here was my favorite one: "expulsion upon graduation". UPON GRADUATION. There was one girl who had a written confession from the guy who assaulted her, and her school said it still wasn't enough. The documentary had shots of statistics of various schools comparing their number of reported sexual assaults and the number of suspensions/expulsions. One school (I don't remember which) had 0 expulsions for sexual assault but 183 for other violations of the honor code. It's so unbelievable you kind of forget for a minute that you're dealing with real life.

I didn't really want to punch something, though, until it got to the section on student-athletes and how even more protected they are. Yes, I know that the vast majority of student-athletes are good people and not sexual predators - the documentary acknowledges that, as well - but the ones who are can practically get away with murder if they're good on a field. One Notre Dame football player was under investigation for sexual assault, but the school claimed "they couldn't find him" despite the fact that he played two home games before they finally "found him". Apparently, they have a rule that campus police are not allowed to go to the athletic facility to find a player or use anyone on the athletics staff to help them...I wish I were kidding. These players get accused of awful assaults and rapes, but if they're good on a court or field, that apparently makes them untouchable. Worse yet is when you see fans online attacking accusers because they dared to call out these "good guy" players. A girl is raped or assaulted, and yet she is pretty much run out of school, or even the city, because she says that her attacker is someone on a sports team.

Case in point: Erica Kinsman. She was "allegedly" (apparently I'm supposed to put that since he was never charged or convicted) raped by Jameis Winston, former Florida State and current Tampa Bay QB, yet because the cop who originally interviewed her in the hospital as he saw bruises appearing on her body was an FSU alum and worked for an organization that fundraised for FSU athletics, she wasn't taken seriously and was basically asked if she was "really sure" she wanted to press charges because she would probably be run out of Tallahassee if she accused the QB who was leading FSU football, eventually to a national championship. It took them nearly a year to do ANYTHING on her case; in the meantime, another girl came forward as his victim, he got in more legal trouble, and he won the freaking Heisman Trophy. An award meant to be given to an athlete who works with integrity was given to a guy with rape accusations against him. Her rape kit wasn't processed for nearly a year, and then the prosecuting attorney decided there "wasn't enough evidence" even when the rape kit came back as a match to Winston. And here's the kicker - guess the reason FSU decided they wouldn't investigate any further....because Winston refused to answer any of their questions. Now Winston is claiming he's going to sue CNN for showing this documentary, and I seriously hope that he does because the whole world needs to see what he's gotten away with. It doesn't take a genius to listen to and look at Erica as she tells her story to know that she's not just some fame whore looking to go after "Jameis Christ"...yes, an FSU fan actually called him that in the documentary. She is a girl who was violated and attacked by this guy, and then violated all over again by a school and a city who refused to believe or help her.

Someone I know was raped. She was treated just like the girls in this documentary were treated - like she was making it up, like she had gotten too drunk, like she screwed up somehow. So yeah, this is really personal to me, because I've seen what it does to someone. That leads me to ask a few questions.

Where is our humanity?! When did people stop being more important than money and reputations? Why do schools get to decide if someone was actually raped or not? Why is sexual assault the only crime in which victims get blamed?

But seriously, where the hell is our humanity? With everything that's going on in the world today, a lot of Americans act like we're the greatest thing in the world and take such great care of our own, but all you have to do is listen to this group of young women and men (because don't you dare say it doesn't happen to men, too) talk about how they were treated when they sought justice for their assault, and you'll see that we have some big problems in taking care of our own. Because not only do we not address this massive problem, most people even refuse to admit that it's a problem! And that is how rapists get away with it and repeat offenders get to walk around campuses terrifying their victims sometimes without even saying a word.

Can someone please explain to me how freshman girls can get raped before their first semester of classes even begins and it goes unnoticed? How a girl can commit suicide after being raped by basketball players and her school says nothing? How a school can actually find a person guilty of the assault and then not even tell the victims that the appeals process had happened and they had decided to overturn the decision until it was all over? How MULTIPLE studies can show that 1 in 5 women will be sexually assaulted in college and no school seems to care enough to do something to change that statistic?

Yes, it's great that some presidents like Drew Faust of Harvard have come out and acknowledged this issue and apologized to their present and former students, but that is not enough. Something has to change. What will it take? I'm scared to find out.

These Two

In just a few hours, these two boys of mine will be in the middle of their graduation ceremony. This is another time I'm really grateful for whoever invented the livestream, because I get the joy of watching it happen from more than 500 miles away.

I would scream it from the rooftops if I could just how proud I am of these two. They have stories that inspire me, faith that teaches me, and wisdom that pushes me to grow. They are two of my most favorite people in all the world, and tomorrow will mean as much to me as it would if it were Holly's graduation. I'm so proud of who they are and who I know they'll become. I know that God has great and wild plans for them, and I'm so honored that I get to play even a small part in all of it, because I know that they are going to do big things. There's not a doubt in my mind that God is going to use them to affect people.

They are an example of why my heart will always be tied to Campbell. I originally didn't even want to go to that school, but God knew that it was exactly what I needed. It may have taken me a few years, but I found the first family I felt like I could really trust and was completely safe with. I found the people who broke all the stereotypes I held because of my scars, and when I expected them to reject me, they instead insisted on getting close to me and taking me in. That campus will forever hold some of my dearest memories and spots that will stick in my mind holding stories that I cherish. I can't imagine what my life would look like now if I hadn't met my boys, especially Reafe and Ricky, and I'm so glad I don't have to know, because they have changed my life impermeably and forever. They're too humble to admit how wonderful they are or what a gift they are to me, but I'll keep saying it because my gratitude for and awe of them hasn't been diminished one bit. Campbell will always be not just my alma mater, but also the place where I met my best friends.

These two are also a prime example of why I can never regret my friendship with Ryann. I did initially because I was so hurt, but the truth is that while she may have caused me a great deal of pain in the end, it was because of her that I got to know these boys. Because I knew her, she took me to lunch the day that I initially met Bryce. Because I met Bryce, I knew who he was when I randomly went to the soccer game with Paige. Because I was at the game, I was in the parking lot to run into him after the game where he called me his good luck charm and asked me to come back. And it was because I came back that he invited me to the after-game meals and he introduced me/I introduced myself to the boys. So yeah, I will always be grateful I was friends with her because I now have these guys whose loyalty to me I can't ever question.

I am more than ready to go back to Campbell in a month (a month from tomorrow, actually!), but I already know that it's going to be really, really weird to see the other boys and not have Reafe and Ricky there. I know that leaving is what they have to do and what is best for them, but with them both being from other countries, I selfishly wish they'd still be there, because it's scary not knowing when you'll be reunited with two people that you love more than you can put into words. I'm thankful that God showered His grace upon us so that we could form this bond to begin with, and I have faith that God will bring us back together one day sooner than I expect. I also know that the bond we have is one that will outlast time and distance.

But that doesn't mean I'm not sad. I remember how I felt when I saw them for the last time before I graduated, but then at least I knew I'd be able to come back to visit. And when I saw them last January, I didn't realize they were graduating now; I thought they'd be graduating in May and I would get one more visit with them. So I didn't know that that time was my last. So I'm sad. Sad that I didn't treasure those goodbye hugs enough to last me for who-knows-how-long; y'all know what hugs mean to me. Sad that I didn't know just how big of a deal saying goodbye really was last time. Sad that I didn't have as much time as I thought I did. Sad that things are going to be very different when I visit this time.

Sigh. This is what happens in life, I guess. People grow up and you move apart and your best friends stop being minutes away. Some friendships will outlast the changes. But some won't, and that's the scary part. I don't want to lose any of these guys. But one thing I know is that God has proven His faithfulness in my friendships. He has brought exactly the people that I needed when I needed them and has kept the people who needed to be here in my life. He knows what is coming for me and all of the boys, and He knows where we'll be one, five, ten years from now. God knows what He's doing, of this I am sure.

Well, this post took a much more serious tone than I originally intended. Ah well, I'm choosing not to think so far in the future for now, and instead focus on tomorrow, my two incredible brothers, and the huge milestone that tomorrow is. I choose to celebrate them. They've earned it.

I think I can...I think I can...

10 days.

That's what stands between me and North Carolina.

I have to get a thesis plan together for next semester, plus write my two final papers.

That's it.

I've also had a couple good interviews for possible internships, so I'm hopeful that that will work out.

I'm so ready for a break.

This just seems like so much to do in the next 10 days...mostly because I have had a killer headache for four days.

Like, the kind of headache that has kept me up miserable so late at night that I have overslept two days in a row. Yesterday for my interview and today for class. Ugh.

But it'll get done.

I hope so.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...

Four Hours

You know that feeling when you spend a really long time on the phone with someone, and when it's over, you can't really believe it was that long because it didn't feel like that much time had passed?

Yeah, that was me tonight. I spent four hours on FaceTime with Ricky tonight. Four hours. I want to say I didn't know I had the stamina for that, but let's be real, this is me we're talking about. I guess it's more along the lines of I didn't know I could have a conversation that long and not have there be any awkward pauses where we run out of things to say. I think our last record was three hours, but the first two of that were basically spent with me just watching him play FIFA. This was four solid hours of talking and singing songs for each other.

And it was amazing. Granted, I have a lot of work to do, but this was so worth it. The work will get done. It always does. I knew from the beginning that he needed it, but what I didn't realize was that I needed it, too. Isn't it funny how that works? You think you're doing something to help someone, and then you end up getting a big benefit from it, as well. It's like God knows what He's doing or something.

After some of the things we covered tonight, I just can't help but say that I so dearly love this guy. He has a pretty powerful story, too, totally different from mine but still very powerful, so we understand each other in a way that most people can't or don't. It's comforting to have someone who grapples with a lot of the same questions that I do and who approaches things from the same perspective. It's a safe place for the both of us. I told him today there's nothing he doesn't know about me, and he said I know everything about him, too, and it just spoke to me how safe we both really do feel. It's a friendship where I have no doubts that it's a two-way, symbiotic, both-are-giving-and-receiving kind of friendship because we've both needed to be there for each other over the past few months. We know what the other one needs. And I never feel more fulfilled than when I get to help people.

Ricky makes me feel adored, and valued, and appreciated. He's the kind of man I would like to marry one day. I'm so thankful I get to call him my big brother.

What is this?

I have finished all of my Ph.D. applications.

2 of them were on time, but 3 of them were early. Highly unusual for me.

But here's what is really blowing my mind:

3 of the 5 are to freaking Ivy League schools.

I have officially applied to Columbia, Yale, and Princeton.

If you told me five years ago, or even one year ago, that this is what I'd be doing now, I would have told you that you were insane.

Now comes the oh-so-torturous part: waiting.

Some of them may not release decisions until April.

I don't know if you've figured this out over the 6+ years of this blog, but I am not good at waiting patiently.

Like, AT ALL.

Lord, help me.

Pedestals

Sometimes I feel like people have me on a pedestal.

It seems like people take the fact that God has given me this crazy life story and that I am a miracle and equate it with me being Superwoman and so much stronger than them.

People see all these amazing qualities in me, yet I'm sitting here thinking that I'm such a disaster I don't know how they see what they do.

I know there are people that are looking up to me and learning from me, and while I am genuinely so honored that God has given me this platform of sorts, sometimes I get really overwhelmed. I feel this pressure to be someone worthy of being looked up to, not because of anything other people are saying or doing, but because I just so badly want to get this right. I want to take what God has given me and make something good come from it. I want to help people, but I'm not always sure I know what to do to do that.

But I was talking to Clayton about all of this tonight, and he helped me see something I hadn't realized before. People look up to the saints. People want to emulate the saints. Yet the saints still screwed up a good bit. The people who are looking up to me and learning from me aren't expecting me to be perfect. They may have me on a bit of a pedestal, but that doesn't mean they've forgotten I'm human.

Tonight, Ricky told me that he learned just how real God's presence really is when he met me. That boy never ceases to humble me with his words, but these ones in particular were a really good reminder for me. I felt like it was God reminding me that even when I feel like I'm getting everything wrong, He's still using me. Because in the end, it's not really so much about what I can do as it is what I'm willing to let God do through me.

He's the one in control here. He's the one telling the story, I'm just the keys on the keyboard. He's the one painting the picture in my life, I'm just the paintbrush. If there's one thing I know in all of this, it's that God will make something out of my life that is so much more beautiful than I could even imagine.

Thank God for that. I don't have a chance at getting any of this right without Him.

19 days and counting down.

That's how long I have.

That's how long I have until I get to get on a plane and go back to North Carolina for the first time since LAST Christmas.

Time with my Mom, a week in Myrtle Beach with my grandma, Christmas (and Christmas food!), seeing Matt for the first time since my graduation last May, and then sweet sweet time at Campbell to end on a high note. (Because let's face it, there are going to be plenty of downs while I'm in Swansboro, because family.)

But to get to all of that, I have to get through three more days of classes (because one professor scheduled an extra day since she was sick twice. Yay me.), write two final term papers, get everything sorted out to get into my Master's seminar, and finish five PhD applications on time.

And I also have to find an internship and get everything sorted out to get into the Internship seminar so I can, you know, graduate on time. I technically have until the end of January for that, but I know that it will be infinitely more complicated while I'm in NC for four weeks and staying at my grandma's house without Wifi (since I ended up in the hospital after staying at my mom's house last winter, that won't be happening again. So it would be really, really awesome if I could get everything sorted out before I leave.

It'll all work out. It has to. But today has not been my day. First, I went to go get lunch from the deli, realized I couldn't find my keys, and spent the next 2.5 hours tearing apart my room and looking in every weird and random place my friends (thanks Summer and Emma) could think of, until I just gave up and asked my landlord to make me a new set. Luckily, he's pretty much the nicest guy you could ever want to run your apartment building so he had no problem doing that. Then, I spent an hour going through phone hell trying to figure out how to get my TFAS grade records from Georgetown online; luckily, the IT help desk got me into the system and they still had what I needed online after 3 years. Campbell, however, takes you out of the system upon graduating, so I have to wait for the transcript copy to get here in the email, and I have one application due tomorrow and the transcript isn't due to arrive until Thursday, so I had to spend a sweet forever talking to that university trying to figure out what I could do to still submit my application on time; plus, I realized I sent my GRE scores to the wrong school at Columbia, and while the school I sent it to had no problem sending the scores over to the right school, the right school normally does not accept reports transferred between schools, even though it's an official report, so I have to hope and pray they'll make an exception so I don't have to spend another $30 to get another report sent out. Then, after I took a picture of my NYU transcript and uploaded it (because I can use that for uploading transcripts to applications), I could've sworn I put it back in my desk where it had been before, but then I went back to look for it and couldn't find it anywhere. Because of course.

At that point, I was just like "Okay, life, you win. I give up for today." Because with still feeling awful from Sunday and so much else in my head, I just about started crying this afternoon from all the added stress.

With that said, I'm going to bed now, hoping for a better, easier, clearer, more productive day tomorrow.

It kind of has to be, since Columbia needs my application.

Yay adulthood. Campbell's exam week starts tomorrow, and I would totally go back to that.