No matter how much it hurts.

It's his birthday in a few days.  And right now?

I miss him.

I miss talking to him. 

I miss the friend I thought he was.

I'm fighting the urge to contact him.  But I know I can't.  I know it would only bring me harm.  I know that, but I hurt.

Matt tells me I need to let him go.  As if it's just that simple as making a choice.  If I could just decide to not care anymore, I would've done that weeks ago.

I should hate him for what he did.  But I don't.  I wish I could, but I don't.  If we could really talk things out, I know I'd forgive him.

But that's not me.  It never has been.  I care way too much, even about people who hurt me, even when it does me no good.  I put so much of myself into every relationship that I make that it makes it nearly impossible for me to forget that and let go.

I don't give up easily.  Which is why I have this desire to contact him again.  To try again to get the truth.  But I can't.  I know that if I did it'd just be another round of him toying with my emotions and not being honest with me and confusing me even more than I already am.  So I just can't do it.  Even though I want to.

So for now, I'm just gonna sit here and miss him, and pray for the strength to keep my mouth shut.  No matter how much it hurts me to do that, the alternative will inevitably hurt way worse.