About what they think.
About how they're doing.
About how they feel about me.
If I could just be like Matt, my life would be so much less complicated. I'd be nonchalant and not get so utterly destroyed every time a relationship fails.
If I could just hate people who hurt me, I could move on when relationships end and not sit around pondering the what ifs and beating myself up over what I did wrong.
If I just didn't care so freaking much all the dang time, I might be way more self-confident and not feel the urge to go back to people who hurt me.
Then I wouldn't be giving the people who seem to enjoy making my life a living hell 1000 times more ammunition to use against me. Looking back at all the times I've been burned, I'm pretty positive that 99% of all those times were because I cared way more about that person than he/she cared about me.
But I have to believe that God made me this way for a reason. That He gave me this enormous heart and "others first" mentality for a reason. I have to. If I lose sight of that, I'll go nuts. Whether or not I get it doesn't matter. Knowing that He has a reason for all the heartache helps melt away the pain and the barriers that I've built up around my heart over the years.
It reminds me of this song, one of my all-time favorite worship songs:
This heartache, pain, and frustration will not be unredeemed. I just have to be patient and wait.
It's just too bad patience has never been one of my strong suits. ;)