Friday, April 1, 2016

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm asking for it.

I was up until 6 am crying over him.

I know that it hasn't even been two months, and that he thinks I'm ridiculous for being so heartbroken over this and feeling so strongly about him, but I do. I was crying.

I've spent all this time trying to decide if I'm sorry all of this happened, if I'm sorry that I fell for him or that I told him exactly how I felt. In some sense, I think I am, but not for him. I'm sorry for me, because if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have spent all this time feeling sick over him, I could have continued to live in the little bubble I'd made home where I looked at him like he was one of the greatest people on the planet, even when I saw how flawed he was. I could still just adore him, instead of having my mind crowded with the questions how someone I thought was so good could hurt me so deeply or how I could get out of one toxic relationship only to fall almost immediately into another. I never thought someone like him could make me feel so broken.

How could I be so stupid, so blind, so naive? I defended him, even as my friends practically screamed at me to see the warning signs. They begged me to stop blaming myself, and stop holding out to the guy I wanted him to be instead of who he was proving himself to be. I convinced myself that they were wrong, I continued to make excuses, because I just wanted him to stay.

One of the last things he said to me was condescendingly spelling out the fact that we were never a couple. I'm well aware of that. I know what we've been and what we are. I don't know why I feel like this, but I know I didn't make it all up in my head. He said things that you don't say to someone with whom you have no intention of moving forward with. He played with my emotions from the very minute I became brave enough to tell him the truth. I don't understand how I could still miss him so much when the last messages he sent me only proved correct my belief that he was toxic.

The saddest part about all of this is that he doesn't even know how much he still controls me and my heart. I keep trying to move on, but he's still winning. I'm up all night crying because I miss him, and I don't know if he ever even thinks about me anymore. I think that's what scares me the most, the idea that I could mean so little to him that losing me wouldn't matter. It's not fair that he gets to crush me and then move on like nothing happened while I'm left to pick up the pieces of a heart beaten by yet another person I let in that I shouldn't have. I don't even know what to do next. It would be so easy to talk to him again. I deleted him from my phone before things officially reached the end, but thanks to my human phone book tendencies, I still have his number memorized. It would be so easy to call him, or to text him and tell him I miss him and I'm sorry. But what do I really have to apologize for? Being honest? Calling him out for hurting me? I'm tired of apologizing for things that I shouldn't feel guilty over.

I miss the little things. I miss his laughter. I miss the jokes and comments between us that made our friendship different and special. I miss the way all he had to do was smile and he could make me feel like everything was okay, even when it wasn't. I miss his pep talks and the way he made me feel better and brought me back to reality when school or family stress was driving me crazy. I miss the light in his eyes when he talked about something he was passionate about. I miss the way he trusted me with things that were hard for him to say. I miss the guy who woke up at 1 am and called me because he'd fallen asleep before he had gotten the chance and he'd promised me he'd call. I miss the guy who showed up to be my bodyguard and swore he wouldn't have dreamed of being anywhere else.

I kind of hate him, though. I hate him for making me out to be a demanding bitch when I put so much of my heart into supporting him. I hate him for telling me I'm crazy when he told me once that anyone who didn't understand the way I love people didn't deserve to be close to me. I hate him for promising me he'd always be around and then pushing me away. I hate him for every tear he's made me cry since things started falling apart, especially since he doesn't understand what he did to make me cry in the first place. I hate him for turning me back into the girl I've spent so long and worked so hard to get away from - desperate, heartsick, craving validation from a vague and broken boy. (But I won't be that girl again. I at least have him to thank for that.) I hate that I'm scared to do something I love and go somewhere I love to see other people that I love because I don't want to run into or upset him and I don't think he'd be happy to see me. He's still controlling me. I hate that.

On nights like last night when I'm up crying over him, all I think is that I really can't wait for the day that I don't miss him anymore. I miss him. So much. But one lesson that is finally making its way through my very thick, stubborn head is that I can't make people change. If I go back and try to reconcile things when I know he hasn't changed because he doesn't think he needs to change, I'm just asking for more trouble than I can deal with right now and more trouble than he's worth.

So on this April Fool's Day, I refuse to be a fool. It'd be so much easier to go crawling back to him, but that wouldn't feel any better than the state I was in last night. My heart will heal eventually. It has before, and I'm sure it will again.

I just have to give it time...and try not to make any more stupid decisions regarding him in the meantime.

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