The Price of Authenticity

Authentic relationships come at a price.

To get them, you have to give up your walls and your facades, and you also have to let go of your fear of seeing behind other people's walls. You have to put your heart on the line, even when it's hard, and you have to see the hearts of those around you beyond the ugly stuff that will often make people run away. You have to let go of your pride and pick up more empathy than most of us are naturally accustomed to carrying.

In the world we live in today, the world of social media and privacy settings and Instagram filters, we get to pick and choose the image that we want to put out. We get to post the pictures of the beautiful things and the fun experiences and write the statuses about how wonderful life is without having to tell people when we're struggling if we don't want to. And telling people about all the awesome things going on is a lot easier and more comfortable than admitting that life may not be so great right now.

It can be terrifying to have someone else's vulnerabilities laid out right in front of you, just as terrifying as if you're the one who is putting the most personal parts of yourself out there open for judgment or rejection. It's so much easier to say, "Nope. Forget it." Organic food is all the rage, but organic relationships scare the crap out of us.

I know. I had to deal with it today. I went to lunch with a girl from church, and she asked me to tell her my story. I love sharing my story with people, that's no secret, but that doesn't make it easy to do it. It's hard to go back to memories I've worked so hard to move past. It's hard to talk about my dad, even after 16 years, because I get hit with the reminder of everything I've missed out on. It's hard to talk about feelings because they take me back to the girl I spent so much time letting go of and moving beyond.

When you let go and get real, things get messy. But they also get so much more beautiful. It's beautiful to have people who know you in your bones and stand by you. Because those people, those relationships, they're what get you through life when everything feels like it's falling apart. For me, the people with whom I've managed to form authentic relationships are the people I can't imagine my life without now. They're the people whom I can run to when I'm upset or lost or angry or hurt and know that I don't have to be afraid to say whatever I'm feeling. They're the people who know my deepest scars, where I've been, and what I'm most afraid of.

But the most beautiful part is they know that I'll be just as loyal to them through their messy stuff as they are to me. Authentic relationships are about safety for both people, not just one. Clayton, knowing that I often worry about taking too much and not giving enough, once told me in order to assuage my fears that our relationship wouldn't possibly go as deep or be as strong as it is if he were the only one giving. That's something that has always stuck with me, because it's not just a reminder of how strong our relationship is, but also the fact that God can do so much good through us, even when we can't see how it's possible.

You don't have to always get it right, because let's face it - none of us will always get it right. When our relationships are truly authentic, we don't have to always get it right because the relationships will overcome the times we mess everything up. I got to experience that this weekend. The past two weeks have been really tough with someone that has been very, very dear to me for a couple years now, and honestly, I wondered for a bit if we could overcome it, but we had a conversation yesterday that I believe led us back to the place of understanding each other we'd always been at before everything sort of...blew up. This person and I, we've both always said that nothing could break the bond that we have with each other, and considering this is the first time we've ever had a problem, it's really nice to get the confirmation that we were right.

So yeah, authentic relationships cost a lot. But if you ask me, the reward makes it all worth it.

Paris

Visiting Paris was one of the reasons I decided to take French in high school.

It's one of the reasons my dream became becoming the US Ambassador to France.

This city holds a very special place in my heart.

My heart aches for the people of that beautiful city tonight. For the lives lost. For their loved ones left behind. For the shooting survivors. For all the people of Paris, whose lives have been torn apart this year from this tragedy so soon after recovering from the Charlie Hebdo attack in January.

So we must pray. And we must let the people of France know that we are with them.

It was such a beautiful sight to me to see shots of One World Trade's spire lit up in the colors of the French flag. After 9/11, a giant American flag was spread out near the Eiffel Tower. We are all one.

But you know what the beautiful part about today is?

If you're on Twitter, check out the hashtags #PorteOuverte and #strandedinUS.

Porte Ouverte is people living all over Paris opening their doors to people who can't get home for whatever reason seeking refuge from the chaos (with taxi drivers turning off their meters to get everyone where they need to go).

Stranded in US is people all over America taking in people whose France-bound flights were canceled when the French president closed the borders.

Love is greater than fear.

Light is greater than dark.

Always.

The harsh reality.

This video is hard to watch, but it's needed.

A bunch of veterans talk about their first kill….and it’s intense

God bless our veterans. They do what I'd never be brave enough to do and carry home memories I can't even begin to fathom.

On to the semis!

Oh my boys.

November certainly has been an interesting month for them.

November 4th, they played Liberty and one of the freshmen whom I've started getting to know and already semi-adopted scored this AMAZING goal on a free kick from like 30 yards out. It was so amazing it got recognized by FOX Soccer. A huge deal for someone from this tiny school. Watch. :)



November 7th, they had their final regular season game against UNC Asheville. As I said before, if they won this, they would earn the #4 seed in the conference and earn the right to host their quarterfinal match of the tournament. A kid named Brad scored his 14th goal of the season to secure the 1-0 win for us. Quarterfinal at home Tuesday!

Then came tonight. Game against Longwood, playing for passage to the semifinals. Longwood beat us 2-1 at the end of September, so not only was this big for tournament reasons, I knew it would feel good for the boys to get a revenge win. This game was INTENSE. The field was muddy because they've been getting a ton of rain, so bodies were flying all over the place, leading to some fouls that may not have happened if the field were dry. It also led to some hilarious moments from Josh and Isaiah where they LEAPED over defenders who had slipped in front of them. Longwood got on the board first off a corner kick. Brad (surprise surprise) spun around like three defenders AND the goalie and scored a goal just five minutes later. Then, Longwood got up 2-1 just before halftime.

I may or may not have screaming at my computer throughout the second half, praying that they would at least get an equalizer to send it to overtime. Oh, me of little faith. ;) 72nd minute, Reafe sent a pass to Isaiah, and he legit shot the ball through the goalie's legs. Hope was alive! And THEN, 83rd minute, another freshman scored a beautiful game winner!!



Now, on to the semifinals! Friday, they play Winthrop, the #1 seed. Winthrop beat us 4-1 a few weeks ago, so suffice it to say, this will be a huge upset if they can pull it off.

But you know what? Just like that video says, these guys have character, and they know how to keep believing. With that, and the skill I know they have, anything is possible come Friday.

Go Camels!

Because of course I'd get sick now.

Now, when school work really picks up as we head towards the end of the semester.

Now, when I have to really dig into internship applications.

Now, when PhD application deadline are creeping up on me.

What started out on Tuesday as me just thinking I overworked my vocal chords sending too many singing videos to Summer ended up by Thursday as me sounding like a 70-year-old pack-a-day smoker.

I went to the doctor that afternoon because I had to miss class again, and not only did the doctor tell me that it was good I didn't try to go to class that day, but considering how the symptoms had only been around for a couple days (and Thursday was really only the first day I truly felt terrible), that I was probably going to get worse before I got better.

He gave me an antibiotic prescription and told me that I should wait a week and see if I got better before I filled it. Saturday, I woke up wheezing, which meant it was REALLY moving into my lungs, so I said screw that and filled it yesterday. I cannot afford the risk of my lungs getting really bad off because I cannot afford landing in the hospital.

The upside to this crappy weekend is that I had an overload of sports and that always makes me at least a little bit happier.

My boys won at UNC Asheville, their final regular season game. This meant that they ended up 9-8 and got a winning season for the first time since 2012. But not only that. This also meant they ended up 4th in the conference so they get their quarterfinal match in the championship AT Campbell on Tuesday. It's always good to play on a field you know.

Wolfpack football beat Boston College AT BC 24-8. This is the first time any team has beaten BC on their field since BC joined our conference and the first time the Wolfpack has beaten BC on their field since 1937 (!!!!). Plus BC had the #1 defense in the FBS, and the Wolfpack absolutely crushed the averages they had for defense coming into the game.

And to top it off, Wolfpack basketball had their pre-season exhibition game today and won it. This means that basketball season is here.

So at least there is something going for me this weekend.

Hello from the outside.

Adele broke the internet a few weeks ago. I'm just as obsessed with this cover.

No Greater Love

I spent close to three hours on FaceTime tonight with Ricky. The first two hours of it were basically spent me watching him play FIFA, but honestly, I've been wanting company so badly that even that was fun for me. When I finally got him to take a break from that, we started reading some Scripture together and got to talking about our friendship and our stories. That was when he told me something that I'm pretty sure I'm going to remember for the rest of my life.

I'm too tired to remember his exact words, so I'll paraphrase. He basically told me that if he had the choice to either save his life or save mine, he would save mine. If he had to do it 100 times, he would always save mine. And it wasn't just because he loves me, it was because I'm such a miracle that he couldn't let that be taken away from the world. He said that he may bring one or two people to God over the course of his life, but that he believes with the story I have to tell, I could bring hundreds. He wouldn't even consider it a loss for him to give up his life for me to live; he'd consider it a blessing because I have so much more good to do than he ever could.

While I'm not so sure about that last bit, hearing that from him literally brought me to tears in the middle of our call. I don't know that anyone has ever straight out told me that they would give up their life to save mine. And even if they have, I know that it wasn't because of what Ricky said. To say that it's humbling to hear someone loves you that much is the understatement of the century.

But here's the thing. That wasn't the whole reason that I started crying. As I listened to what he had to say, it hit me like a ton of bricks just how amazing God's powers of redemption really are. I spent so much of my life believing not only that I would never find love, but that I didn't deserve to find it, so to have someone right in front of me act as living, breathing proof of how far God will go to answer prayers beyond your wildest imagination? That's a feeling beyond anything I can ever put into words.

As Ricky also said, God knew what I needed before I was even born. He knew I would need a brother like this, so he created Ricky two years before I ever existed. That is the kind of God we serve. Before the beginning of time, He has our whole lives planned and displayed out in front of Him. He knows exactly who we need and exactly when we'll meet them. As much as I wish I had met him and the rest of my boys earlier on in my time at Campbell so I could have gotten more time with them, I can see the beauty in our family forming when it did.

Since we got so little time together on campus, it's that much clearer and powerful how close we are now. When most people would have let the distance make things fall apart, especially only after having a few months together in person, our bonds have only grown tighter with time, despite me being so far away now. That's God's grace in action, that He would choose not only to bless us with each other, but to help us keep our family and love for each other strong.

The danger of putting your heart on the line, the danger of choosing to trust and love again even after you've been hurt, is that you risk giving a piece of your heart and yourself to someone who may not love and appreciate you as much as you do them. That's a fear I struggle with. It's exactly why I was so scared to trust these boys in the beginning. I couldn't figure out how a girl like me deserved to hang out with the gorgeous athletes, some of the most popular boys on campus. I couldn't convince myself that it was real. So I was completely terrified that it would all fall apart, that I would let them in only to get crushed like I had by so many other gorgeous, popular boys in my past.

Whether they know it or not, those rowdy boys are Jesus in the flesh to me every single day just by the way that they love me. From the beginning, they have told me that I was enough, enough just as I am, enough to be worthy of love. They make me feel safe, and seen, and beautiful, and that brings such comfort to a bruised and battered heart like mine. I think of the way that they love me, and I am instantly reminded of the fact that God loves me infinitely more than they do. And that's just amazing to me, because it's hard for me to imagine love beyond what these boys have shown me from day one.

So to hear Ricky so plainly say that he would give up his life for me, that was a reminder to me of the God who already did just that.

And it's because of that love that's beyond all understanding that I know I would give up my life to save any one of those boys. I can't imagine loving them any less. And for the first time in my life, I know beyond all doubt that the feeling is mutual.

"Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." ~ John 15:13

Because what good pirate wouldn't get arrested?

Praise the Lord.

I got to go back to Dance with Me last night for their Halloween party. I haven't been since May because I wanted to get my seizures under control so they didn't have to keep dealing with me/them. Well, not only did I finally get to go back, but I made it through the whole party without a single problem.

It was so much fun, too. It was basically starting over for me, but everyone there was super patient, especially with my perfectionist tendencies, haha. But I saw several familiar faces, and they remembered me like no time had passed.

I wore last year's costume, but who really cares. I love it. I got tons of compliments on it last night, which felt really good.

Here are some fun pictures.

And yes, that last picture is totally my new profile pic on Facebook. :D

Maxed Out

My first deadline is on Thursday.

A 5-page paper. I currently have no idea what I'm going to write about, let alone what I'm going to say.

And it seems that once the first deadline hits, the rest of them start popping up out of nowhere and piling on top of each other.

Plus I have internship applications and PhD applications.

Between that, and spending the vast majority of my free time talking to several of my friends back at CU who need someone, my brain is pretty much at the max right now.

However, I did get a lovely and long overdue FaceTime date with Austin tonight, so that helped redeem the rest of what turned out to be a pretty crappy day today.

I'm tired now.

It's all about balance.

I met with a deacon from my church today. When I told her about the loneliness I've been battling and how much I wish I could get back to my soccer boys, and how wrapped up I have been in trying to take care of them and support them because of the different issues several of them are struggling with, she told me it sounds like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I couldn't really argue with that.

But she also told me not to completely shut that part of me down, either, because God has clearly given me a gift of giving, in the sense of encouragement and support, and it would be a bad idea to stop using what God has given me to share with the world. We weren't meant to do this life alone. Galatians (at least, I think it's Galatians) says to bear one another's burdens for a reason.

I guess I just need to remember that, like everything in life, the key is to finding the balance between the two. Still being there for the people that I love (because let's be real, I can't imagine being any other way with my boys) but not let myself take it on as my responsibility to fix.

Because I'm not God. I can't fix everything, no matter how badly I want to.

What I can do is support them the best I know how and help pull them out of the dark holes, just like they've done for me.

So yeah, it's about balance.

Balance between taking care of the people I love and taking care of myself and my needs, too.

Balance between helping them through their problems and trying to take them over.

Supporting without micromanaging.

Loving recklessly without losing sight of myself.

Assuring them of better days to come without expecting myself to make those better days come more quickly.

Love can't fix everything, but it sure can make the bad stuff a heck of a lot easier to walk through. And sometimes, that's the only help people need - just a loving hand helping them forward one step at a time.