Sunday, May 31, 2015

But still, I choose to believe.

On top of 2 seizures last Sunday and 1 on Tuesday, I had two more on Friday.

And when I wasn't dealing with seizures, I had an almost constant migraine.

So needless to say, I'm exhausted in every sense of the word, and I'm frustrated, and angry, and feeling slightly abandoned.

I just want a break from all of this crap.

There's no other way to put it. I'm tired, and I want a break.

But the good news is that I serve a God who is okay with me being angry and frustrated and tired. A God whom I know is good no matter what is going on in my life. I have too much evidence in my story of how much God really loves me to turn back now. I know what it's like to not have faith, and i never want to go back to that, because as alone as I may feel sometimes now, there is nothing that compares to that kind of loneliness.

Someone told me recently that it's amazing I have the faith that I do with the life that I have. And I didn't know what to say in response. Without my faith and the God it's placed in, I have nothing. I know that I have what the world would consider reasons not to believe, and I'll admit that there have been days where I've wondered why exactly I believe what I believe, but in the end, I don't know how not to anymore. I've seen God too clearly now to pretend it's not real.

To put it simply, I've tasted grace, and it's addicting. I can't give it up. No matter how little sense it makes.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

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