Wednesday, November 25, 2015

I Wish

I wish things could go back to the way they were. The way they were when none of this had happened and we were just good friends who could talk about anything.

I wish I'd never told you how I felt. It seems like that was the spark that made everything explode.

I wish you'd never texted me. Because then I saw a side of you I never knew existed and a side that changed the way I look at you.

I wish I could quit feeling the way I do. I know it's not worth it. I know it's just setting myself up for disaster. But as much as I've been pretending it's not still this way, it really is.

I wish I wasn't so good at reading into things. Reading into the things you said and taking them the way I (and others) thought they came across only to find out that that wasn't it at all was crushing.

I wish we weren't on different pages. Things would be so much easier that way.

I wish I wasn't scared of you. That I wasn't terrified you'll hurt me again. That the idea of talking to you again didn't make my palms sweat. Because you were always one of the people it was easiest for me to talk to, and I miss that. But I'm scared I'll find confirmation that things really have irreparably changed.

I wish I could trust you again. But not only did what you did to begin with damage that trust, the fact that you still don't realize exactly why what you did hurt me so badly makes me wonder if you understand anything about me at all.

I wish I didn't let you in as far as I did. That feels like a huge mistake now, even as I hope and pray that things will go back to the way they were in the beginning, because I want to be wrong about this. I want this to not have as many lasting effects as I think it's going to.

I wish you, and this, didn't make me feel so weak. I worked so hard to get out of a relationship that completely broke me down and destroyed my confidence in myself and in my strength, and then I fell into this.

I wish I could forget this. That you weren't the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.

I wish I could forget you. I would feel so much less overwhelmed if I could just forget you ever meant so much to me, because then this wouldn't mean so much to me.

I wish I could just hate you, honestly. Because then I wouldn't feel like this. Then I wouldn't want things to go back to the way they were and risk getting hurt all over again. Then I'd be able to get you out of my head because I wouldn't want you there. But I don't hate anyone; anyone who knows me knows that.

So I don't hate you, not even close. I hate the way you make me feel, but I don't hate you. I hate what happened, but I don't hate you. I hate being scared, but I don't hate you. I hate that you hurt me, but I don't hate you. I hate missing you, but I don't hate you.

I love you. Beyond all explanation, I do. And I hope you still love me in some way.

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