Tuesday, May 17, 2016

When the past isn't really the past.

I wasn't expecting to hear from him again.

I've spent several therapy sessions and countless conversations with friends trying to figure out how to put him in the past. I had finally accepted that I needed to put him in the past.

And then he called me tonight. Days after his best friend told me things would probably never be the same between us, he called me.

It took me a second to register that it was him calling. I deleted his number months ago because it hurt to see his name in my phone, and I actually saw the city of his phone number pop up before I realized it was his number. I was with friends when I got the call, and the first words out of my mouth were, "Holy shit." Because I wasn't expecting this in the least.

But I went outside, in the cool night in a short-sleeved shirt, shaking from nerves, and answered the call. I sat down at the bus stop because it was the nearest seat, and we talked.

We talked through everything that's happened over the past several months, and for the first time, I felt like everything was at peace with us. Finally. Towards the end of the conversation, I told him that talking to him again felt like a thousand pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I thought when I didn't hear from him after I called him and left a voicemail a couple weeks ago, that it meant he was done with me. I should've known he's not the kind of person who holds grudges.

Tonight, it felt like none of the negative stuff from the past 6+ months had even happened. We were the us that we were before everything got so messed up. We were cracking jokes and laughing hard and teasing each other and giving each other pep talks. He was calling me the nickname only he has for me...it was like how it used to be. Just hearing him laugh made me smile because for quite some time there I didn't know if I'd ever get to hear that again.

I really missed him. I knew I missed him, but I didn't really realize just how much until this conversation when things felt like they were okay again. And as it turned out, he missed me, too. After the news I got at the doctor a couple weeks ago, I called him because he was always the one who made me feel better about this kind of stuff, and I realized just how pointless it was to fight. It's too much energy wasted. And we were friends first. Before anything else, we were friends. We were family.

There are some friends who are going to freak out when they hear this news tomorrow. They worry about me - rightfully so, after everything that happened with Landon. And who knows, maybe I am walking back into disaster. But I don't know. And I need to be sure. I have to give this, him, us a second chance. I've spent so much of the past few months wondering if I overreacted and second guessing my choices. I need to be sure.

Just as I was beginning to accept that this chapter was over, I learned it wasn't. I have to believe that there's a reason this happened tonight. Maybe there's a lesson coming, or maybe I just get someone I love back in my life.

Either way, the lesson for tonight is that sometimes the past...isn't really the past.

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