Sunday: Rise up and live!

(There was also a video that they put out yesterday: Saturday.  "While life is lived on Saturday, Saturday is not all there is to this life."  Just as worth watching as the two I'm posting here on the blog.)



The following is based on events that took place in and surrounding the city of Jerusalem the day after the Sabbath (the third day) and the days that followed, approximately 33 A.D.

Very early in the morning, before the sun takes its place in the sky, a woman stands in yet another garden, spices in hand, repeating the same question: "Why?" This is the scene on Sunday.

Two men walking down a seven-mile road unpacking all the thoughts that crowd in their head. The man that they thought was the Savior of the world, this man, this Jesus? Now this man was dead. This is the scene on Sunday.

A group of fishermen rowing along in their boat, just going back to what they did before. A voice cries out, "Have you not caught anything?!" There's a mysterious man waiting on the shore. This is the scene on Sunday.

Sunday starts in the dark, but soon comes a spark of revolution, of revelation, of real elation with the realization that He is real and so is His nation. 

On Sunday, the stone is rolled away, the enemy is at bay, and redemption's here to stay. On Sunday, the nets overflow, the angels simply glow, and the linen lies folded white as snow.  On Sunday, He's recognized when the bread is broken, and the dead are awoken, and a new word is spoken. On Sunday, we receive our sign that He is the vine so let His light shine. 

On Sunday, Herod was wrong. The grave was not strong, and we finally belong so sing a new song, because on Sunday, the dead rise as He opens our eyes lifting our hands to the skies. On Sunday, Peter takes a dive while the fishermen thrive. To Emmaus we arrive, and love is ALIVE. On Sunday, we don't search for the living among the dead. On Sunday, we became the body, and He became the head and redeemed every tear that has ever been shed. 

On Sunday, we head in a new direction because there's been an intersection between reflection and perfection, and that connection? That's right, we call it resurrection.

In John 19, verse 41, it says that they laid Jesus to rest in a tomb in the middle of a garden, and I think that was their biggest mistake, because if you want something to stay dead, you don't bury it in a garden where the voice of the One who created the very soil itself will call forth to His Son, saying, "Rise up and LIVE!" 

He is the gardener whispering our name. He is the stranger on Emmaus Road. He is the mysterious man calling from the shore. On Sunday, will you recognize Him? On Sunday, will you answer Him? On Sunday, will you RISE UP and LIVE?

It sounds silly to say that I didn't expect so much healing to be found in a video on the story of Jesus' resurrection, but I really did not expect to be crying first thing this morning as I watched this video.

I realized this afternoon that I was crying not because it was beautiful and so powerful.  I was crying because it was so much more than the story of Jesus' resurrection.

I was crying because it was a call to accept the price that Jesus paid to set me free.

I was crying because it was a challenge to stop letting myself get weighed down by my mistakes (which is really so unbelievably relevant after things that have happened in the past few days) and take hold of the victory that came when Jesus rose from the grave.

I was crying because it was a reminder that when Jesus said, "It is FINISHED"...he actually meant it.

A friend sent me this in a message just a few hours ago, as I was beginning to figure out what I would say in this post, knowing it would be centered around Jon's words.  "We cannot hang on to our own condemnation and to the Gospel with the same hand...we either let go of ourselves, or let go of Him - the choice is ours.  Are your eyes on your storm, or on His throne?"  The choice is mine: Keep condemning myself, or accept the grace and mercy and forgiveness that I learned quite a while ago I cannot live without.  Let go of the past, or let go of the One who is the only reason I'm still alive, the One who put the breath in my lungs.

The enemy is at bay.  Redemption's here to stay.  And I'm busy slowly killing myself trying to fight a battle that stopped being mine the second I came up from the water in that pool inside that Nashville church.  It's done.  It's over.  What will it take for me to get that?!

Just as Jesus walked along the road to Emmaus gently trying to make his presence known, just as Jesus shouted from the shore to remind the fishermen he was still there, he's been fighting so hard to get me to see that he didn't just show up for my baptism.  He's been here every single day saving me from myself, calling out my name and asking me to take his hand, aching for me to know the Lord even a fraction of how he knows me.  Apart from him, I can do NOTHING. (John 15:5)  And yet here I am, far too often acting like I don't know better.

Redemption came out of that tomb, and death died inside it.  The same voice that called me to salvation is calling me every day to rise up and LIVE.  This time, I'm going to answer Him.

A Life Without Fear

I keep staring at this screen, the blinking cursor screaming "SAY SOMETHING" at me, and I don't know why, but for some reason, tonight I'm just not sure what to say.  So forgive me in advance if this post is a little blah.  It wouldn't be the first time.

I've been thinking a lot about yestserday and what happened, and this line that I heard on a TV show has been bouncing around my head.  "DNA doesn't make a family. Love does."

I received all sorts of comments from yesterday's post in lots of forms: emails, texts, Facebook messages, so many words of encouragement from people I either have never actually laid eyes on or have met only since I became a Camel and stepped foot on this glorious campus.  And it got me to thinking about the reason I told my mom is why I call this school my home - because this is where I feel safe.

I mean mentally and emotionally safe.  At home, I have to walk on eggshells to try and prevent the Chelsea bomb from exploding, I have to be the kind of person that Holly actually likes and wants to spend time with, I have to be happy all the time for her so that she can have a bright spot for whatever length of time I am home.  It's exhausting, to say the least.

Here, I can be who I am without expectations from anyone.  More people than I can count have met me and taken me in just as I am.  They have loved me just as I am.  I don't have to try here.  There is such sweet, indescribable freedom in that.  I am as tired of living in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing as I am of being afraid of people.  And I'm simply choosing not to do either anymore.

The way I see it, fear is a wasted emotion.  When I think of Jesus saying that he came so that "[I] may have life, and have it to the fullest," that fullest possible life that I imagine doesn't include fear.  Of anything.  Of people.  Of not being good enough.  Of being shunned or betrayed or told I'm not worthy.  Because I have Jesus, I shouldn't have to be afraid of anything simply because I have him, because he gave up his life so that I could be declared righteous and clean.  He earned victory for me.

I've spent my whole life trying to be the person that I think other people want me to be.  For a while, I had myself convinced that I had let that piece of myself go when I escaped high school, but the truth is, I just replaced my classmates with my family.  All the effort I had put into trying but failing to please the peers who had spent years telling me I didn't deserve to be loved was simply transferred into trying but failing to please the family who told me that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, it wasn't ever going to be good enough.  They just did it more subtly.

For all this time, I have sought the validation that my heart yearns for from people who are just as broken as I am, some of whom don't know the unending love and grace of a Father who sent His son to die so that I could be made pure.  I have been a Christian for one year, six months, and fifteen days, declaring my allegiance to Christ but still acting as if the opinions of the people around me were the be all end all.  Oh, how I have been led astray.

I still remember what Brennan told me right before I got baptized.  That when I came back up from the water, my whole life would be made new.  My sins would be gone.  I would be made clean.  Simply because I made the choice to name Jesus as the King of my life instead of myself.  Jesus died to give me the security I've sought my entire life.  It's long past time I start honoring him like it.

The first step is to find my value in the person that God made me to be, and as the one that Jesus so desperately he gave up his life for, and to stop letting the people around me dictate the picture I have of myself.

I've spent 21 years, 4 months, and 5 days living in constant fear of not being good enough, believing the words of the broken souls around me more than I did the words of the God who gave up everything just to win my heart.

That ends now.

One Year Later: Unending Love, Amazing Grace

I'm starting this post right about the same time that this little old event Sanctuary was starting to gather together in a church in Nashville one year ago today.  It was the start of the night when my life as I knew it completely fell apart and God pieced back together a life I never imagined I'd be able to find.

I still remember everything about that night in crystal clear detail, even without reading the blog recap about it.  I hope I always do.

I remember the sights, the music, the people praising God with complete freedom, sitting next to Bruno shaking as I realized God was doing something huge in my heart.

I remember walking up to part of the ministry team on one side of the stage, unsure if I was allowed to talk to them because they were guys and I'm a girl.  I remember trying to explain what my need was, but barely making it halfway through before tears started uncontrollably pouring down my face.  I remember the four guys surrounding me, praying God's truth into my heart when all I could think at the time is "what is going on right now??"  I remember the sobs making my body shake, but in the good way.  I remember realizing that guy #4 was Joe, and him holding me and encouraging me until I was ready to let go.  I remember telling him I'd never felt more broken in my life.

I remember sitting back down next to Bruno, trying to calm down and stop crying, still unable to figure out what was happening, being so overwhelmed by the fact that I just knew my whole life was going to change before I left that church.

I remember hearing God scream at me to go get baptized (at least it felt like He was screaming) as soon as Adam, the singer, mentioned baptistery pools.  I remember not even looking at Taylor when I asked him where to go.  I remember walking directly into Brennan and not realizing he was one of the guys who had prayed over me until he said hello.  I remember my voice shaking as I asked him if I could get baptized.

I remember my whole body shaking and my hand gripping Brennan's tightly as we walked from the too-hot pool behind the stage to the one in the lobby, and that only partially being because my feet were wet and it was a tile floor.  I remember thinking I couldn't believe it was actually happening.  There, of all places.  I remember smiling as Brennan explained what I was about to do meant exactly.  I remember coming up out of the water and being so overwhelmed I felt numb.  I remember Brennan asking me how I felt and not being able to speak.  I remember the girl I didn't know coming up to hug and congratulate me and still not being able to thank her...or say anything at all.

I remember the importance of what I'd just been a part of not really hitting me until Brennan and I got up onstage, he lifted my arm in the air, and the room packed with hundreds of strangers busted out in applause and cheers, celebrating with me.  It really happened.  And even more than that, I realized that for the first time in my life, I was comfortable and at peace in the middle of a large Christian community.  I knew I was loved by so many people who knew nothing about me.

I remember the looks on Bruno and Taylor's faces after I changed and got back to them.  I remember seeing them celebrate with me and realizing that they really were my brothers, not just my friends or a band I'm a fan of.  I remembering saying I had to have a picture with them, because I wanted to remember how they were there to witness this enormous transformation and celebrate with me.  It's my favorite picture I've ever gotten with those two.

I remember getting a picture with Brennan because I wanted to remember him and how I felt like God was using him specifically to reach me.  A year later, so many ups and downs, and I still treasure the memories we have.  I remember my friends telling me after I got back and showed them the picture that I looked like I was glowing.  I remember thinking that never in my life had I met someone so instantly dedicated to helping me know the Lord better.  I remember making him promise me that he would never stop helping people, and him making me promise that I'd never forget how I felt that night.

I remember getting one picture in front of the pool because I had to remember the place where I was baptized into Christ.

I remember not wanting to leave Taylor and Bruno, knowing that night would be the last time I would see them because I was leaving early the next morning.  I remember the looks on Callie and Phoebe's faces when Taylor told them what God had done.  I remember knowing I had to leave, getting back to the girls' house and laying in bed for close to two hours just reflecting on how one simple night went from "I'm gonna hang out with two of my best guy friends and listen to some good worship music" to "God chased me down, broke me, and I became a member of God's eternal family in the span of a few hours."  I remember wondering why God thought that I was worth it when I'd spent so much of my life hating Him and running as far away from Him as possible, but being so ecstatic about what He had done.  I felt secure, truly, completely, and wholly secure, for the first time in my life.

I pray that night is forever etched into my memory as if it happened yesterday.  Today has been a joyful day as I've reflected on how far God alone has taken me in the span of a year.  He got me back to church.  He got me to trust a church family without fear.  He planted and fostered the desire to read my Bible.  He's taken the gratitude I had for my story before and magnified it a hundred fold as He has brought me countless opportunities, things only He could do, to share my story and tell people of the amazing, merciful, wonderful God that I serve.  He has proven Himself to me time and time again even though He didn't have to, and He has surrounded me with my own "prayer team", a group of Godly, compassionate friends with whom I can be completely open and honest without fear of judgment.

Because I now have the powerful security that only He can provide, I find myself getting less and less freaked out with each medical trial.  When I landed in the hospital just days after my baptism, I was so terrified that I replaced God with Brennan and Taylor.  Now, I find myself learning more every day about how to use my friends as a source of support and not to shove God out of the way in order to rely on them.  I've learned He really is the only one I can rely on.  And because I'm learning that, I think that's why I'm having less bad, scared, weak days and more days where I truly believe that God is in control and fully trust Him.  I am so far from the person I was a year ago, and I'm blessed to have several people who have walked with me ever since that night who aren't shy about reminding me of the transformation they've seen and encouraging me to keep down this path.

This has certainly been a year of testing, trial and growth.  The evil in this world has tested me to see if I would hold on to the faith I have found, and while I wavered at points, I never let go of the God who has kept a tight grasp on me even when I thought He didn't see me.  It's been a year full of ups and downs, for sure, but through it all, I have learned that I have a Father who is always constant and always present.  It's been year of learning to let go of my false belief that I am in control.  I have gone farther in a year than I ever could have imagined, but it's so fitting because that's just the kind of God I have for a Father.

I didn't fully understand all that I had been missing until it was mine.  And now that I've experienced the depths of love and grace that my God has for me, I am never giving up.  After all the blessings He has brought me, after He went to such great lengths to make me His fully and wholeheartedly, I owe Him everything.  And no matter what the enemy tries to do to break me, I know he'll never win.  My heart belongs to God, now and forever.  I am His and He is mine.  And it all started at a brand new church in a city I'd never visited before.  Woodmont Hills will always be an important piece of my story, and I pray I get to go back and worship there in person before 2013 is over.

I first heard this song at church this semester and immediately fell in love with it.  The more I listened to it, the more I thought it reminded me of my baptism and the journey I've been on since, so I think that's a perfect way to end this post.



Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved.  How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed.

The Lord has promised good to me. His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be, as long as life endures.

My chains are gone.  I've been set free.  My God, my Savior has ransomed me.  And like a flood, His mercy rains.

UNENDING LOVE, AMAZING GRACE.

(If anyone from Sanctuary reads this who was there that night, please know you will always have a special place in my heart.  Thank you for loving this stranger.)

(There will be a medical update tomorrow.  I wanted tonight to be about this and this alone.)

Promises

I love Wednesday night small group at Kevin and Amy's house.  It's gotten to the point where generally the same crowd shows up each week, and we laugh and joke and pick on each other like old friends but still have some convicting, powerful discussion about God.  It's simply beautiful, and I am blessed to be surrounded by that group each week.

Right now, we're doing a walk-through of the book Multiply by Francis Chan, and it's all about how we, as disciples of Jesus Christ, are called to go out and make more disciples who love the Lord and chase after Him with their whole heart.  Having read Crazy Love, I knew this would be good, but I'm amazed at how much I loved it and how much gentler this one felt (then again, we only hit Chapter 2, so that could change as we get further into the book).

Tonight's chapter was about the command to go make disciples, The Great Commission found in Matthew 28:18-20.

"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.  And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (copied straight from the book, not sure which version/translation it is)

Then, Chan examines each part of the command: go, baptize them, and teach them to obey all that Jesus has commanded.  It was the part on baptism that really touched me:

"But the simplest things to understand are often the most difficult to put into practice.  Let's start with baptism.  In your church setting, baptism may not seem like that big of a deal.  Maybe that's why so many Christians today have never been baptized.  But in the early days of the church, baptism was huge.  Baptism was an unmistakable act that marked a person as a follower of Jesus Christ.  As Jesus died and was buried in the earth, so a Christian is plunged beneath the surface of the water.  As Jesus emerged from the tomb in a resurrected body, so a Christian comes out of the waters of baptism as a new creation.  When first-century Christians took this step of identifying themselves with the death and resurrection of Jesus, they were publicly declaring their allegiance to Christ...Baptism was a declaration that a person's life, identity, and priorities were centered on Jesus and His mission."

I'll tell you the truth: just like my old stance on going to church, I never understood why being baptized was so vital to being a Christian...until it happened to me.  And growing up in the Methodist church where they do the infant sprinkling baptisms, as opposed to Baptists who baptize people of any age with full-on immersions, there were questions of how I was supposed to know which one was the "right" way.

But then, April 5th happened.  Reading these words from Chan tonight, all the memories of the night I got baptized came flooding back, and I understood what he was talking about because I'd experienced it.  I remember taking off my glasses and everything feeling like it was fading away as Brennan dropped me back into the water.  I remember opening my eyes as he lifted me back up because I wanted to see everything as I reached the air.  I remember putting my glasses back on and getting out of the pool, completely unable to focus on anything but taking one small step at a time on the tile floor and keeping a tight grip on Brennan's hand.  I remember the girl coming up and hugging me in the lobby while I was still dripping wet but being completely unable to look her in the eye or say anything in response.  I remember everything finally coming back into focus when Brennan and I stepped on the stage, he lifted my arm in the air and the entire room busted out in applause.  That was when I remember thinking that my entire life had just changed.

I had heard people say before that they were new people after their baptisms, but it honestly sounded like nonsense until I lived it out.  My mind was running in fast-forward for most of the night, and I remember saying that night to Taylor and Bruno and Brennan, and in the days after in emails to friends telling them the incredible story, that I really did feel like a completely new person.  That simple act changed the way I saw God, the world, myself and my role in it instantaneously.  I realized that all the seemingly-cheesy things I'd heard about baptisms and what they do to your heart were actually true.

Quite possibly my favorite part about the whole thing is the ways in which I see my baptism still making a difference in my life today.  I look at my friendship with Taylor and think about how us celebrating that night together was the start of what has become one of my most valued friendships.  When I'm feeling angry with God and struggling to let go of it, I remember that night and the pledge I made to be His...forever.  The times when I get nervous about sharing my testimony with people, I remember that night and the promise that my baptism was to make my life's priorities focused on Jesus and His mission of bringing more people to know and have a relationship with Him.

That declaration of my love for Christ truly was just the beginning of the most amazing ride I've ever been on.  I never could have predicted all the ways that letting go of control and answering God's call to go and get baptized there that night would change my life, but I could not be more thrilled about it.

One of the most vivid pictures I have of that night is telling Brennan through teary eyes to promise me that he would never stop helping people and having him look me right in the eye and say, "I promise.  Promise me you'll never forget how you feel right now."

I've said it before and I'll say it again:  I remember everything about that night; I don't think that will be a hard promise to keep. :)

Sincerely, Freedom

I like words.  A lot.  That's not a secret.

I also like music.  Also not a secret.  You know what music has that most regular speech doesn't?  Rhythm.

I love writing, but one thing I've never been good at writing is poetry.  So instead, I listen to other people's poetry because sometimes, I hear somebody say something that mirrors exactly what is going on in my heart, something I couldn't find the words to say, and even if I could, it wouldn't sound as good as what I heard.

I've mentioned a guy named Jeff Bethke before.  He got famous from a spoken word poem he wrote that went viral on YouTube.  I didn't know what spoken word poetry was until I ran into his work, but I sort of fell in love with it.  It combines two things I love very much: it's poetry, so it's made up of words, but it also has a music-like rhythm to it that regular poetry doesn't have.  Well, through Jeff's YouTube channel, I found out about a guy named Nick Vitellaro, and I watched the two spoken word poem videos that he has online.

Now, y'all know me.  When I find something I like, whether it be a show, or a song/band, or a writer, I tend to latch onto it and listen to it over and over and over again and somehow never get tired of it.  I've watched Nick's two videos so many times in the past few days I've already lost count.  Call me weird if you must, I'm used to it with this habit of mine, but trust me, it's worth it.  Nick's poetry is just that good.  It's that powerful.

This first one is called "Sincerely Freedom".  It's actually a story of pornography and sex addiction, and while that specific aspect isn't something I can relate to, there's one section in particular that hit me hard.  It's something I think everyone can relate to, so I suggest you watch the full thing.



5:05 to 5:38 says this: "And I'll be honest, I don't have a twelve-step program, an informative pamphlet, or strategic plan.  I have no Visine or vaccine to help you see past your past, but let me pass you what I do have.  I have a Savior.  His compassion's new every day.  His faithfulness stays.  He made a way out of no way, turned my darkness into day.  The sacrifice made, our ransom paid, he took our place.  Blood poured down his face as he replaced our disgrace with his grace.  Buried for three days, but death could not contain! He left death in his grave! DEATH DIED THAT DAY!" 

Most of us don't have a sex or pornography addiction.  But what most of us, if not all of us, do have is something in our past that is tying us down.  It consumes us, it becomes our identity, and we feel like we'll never escape the control it has over our hearts and minds.  I know that, for me, that "thing" was my health issues.  They consumed my thoughts every second.  They were pretty much all I talked about.  They were who I was.  I was "the sick girl".....and then I found Jesus.  I found the identity he had waiting for me, the one of God's daughter, of redemption, of miracles, of grace and mercy and the power to tell people how He saved me.  Jesus died so that I could be released from the grasp that the enemy had on my life and my person.  Now, I still have health issues, but they are just a piece of my story, a piece that has been redeemed more beautifully than I could have ever imagined, a piece that I can use to show people the love of the Father.

The second is called "The Lost Sheep."  This was me.  I was the sheep Jesus left the flock to find.  I am amazed I haven't cried at how intensely I see my life story in this poem.



There were several quotes that jumped out at me with this one, which is funny since it's a lot shorter than the first video.

0:49-1:03: "But my weakness, my brokenness, was so much more real to me than the God these pastors claimed could set this sheep free.  'Cause where was this Shepherd?  Where was his flock?  Why haven't any of them tried to meet me in the darkness where I walk?"

Yeah...that about sums up my teenage years.  Countless Christian voices in my ears telling me of the God that loved me at my worst, but I didn't feel Him.  I didn't see Him.  I didn't see any of His people, whom I knew were supposed to be the hands and feet of Christ, try to meet me where I was and walk with me through it.  All I got were trite Christian phrases that meant nothing to me in my pain, until even they said I wasn't worth it and kicked me out.

1:25-1:38: "So like John Lennon, I imagined the Savior I wanted to see, but like Paul McCartney, I was scared, so I just let it be.  Drivin' around pimpin' in my yellow submarine, all the while screaming, 'Help! I need somebody.'"

First off, I appreciate anyone who can fit that many Beatles references into 14 seconds. ;)  Second, I remember how good I got when I went through those six brain surgeries in 2009 at making everyone around me believe that I was fine, that I was handling the struggles in my life just fine, while I was actually screaming on the inside, "HELP! I need somebody."  My mom couldn't help me.  My family couldn't help me.  Friends couldn't help me.  The doctors couldn't stop problem after problem from wreaking havoc on my body.  I was so blinded by my anger and pain that I couldn't possibly believe that God was helping me.  All I knew at the time was that I wanted to be rescued from the nightmare I was caught in.

1:58-2:10: "But see, you can't stargaze at the King of days without seeing the sun rays.  So when I heard that the Son raised on the third day, I realized that I was the sheep that was never even lost in the first place."

After I found Christ and started pursuing him, chasing after him with all the breath in my lungs, I realized that I was never out of God's sight.  Even when I hated Him, when I blamed Him for everything wrong in my life, He still kept an eye on me and watched my life and protected me from so many things that could have ended the life He had designed for me.  He never left.  I learned that part of His unconditional love means that He even loves the ones who don't love Him.

2:32-3:00: "Because my God is like Muhammad Ali in the ring, with the grace of a butterfly and the sovereignty of a King. He dodges every cold, fatal sting of death with the very same breath that put life inside my chest.  So if you call the Gospel trash, then I guess you have grasped the message, 'cause my God dumpster dives head first into wreckage.  He transforms recycled sinners into His very own reflection, so you can call Him a garbageman, 'cause He turned my mess into a message."

John 10:10 says "I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the fullest."  My God is the kind of God that lives by the mantra "Go big or go home."  He's not just okay with fixing one part of my life; He insisted on radically transforming every piece of my existence, right down to the core of who I was and who I saw myself as.  To human eyes and ears, my story is ugly.  It's full of pain and anger and depression and doubt and fear.  I know, because that's how I used to view my life.  But that's not the way God sees it or me.  God sees redemption, God sees brokenness made whole, God sees miracles, God sees grace and countless second chances and a story of a very broken little girl who came to life in the love and grace He had waiting for me all along.  And now I get to share this story with anyone and everyone who will listen.

3:12-3:18: "So praise the Lord, praise the Lord, come on, PRAISE THE LORD! 'Cause His pursuit after you is relentless."

And in that, I see the story of my life leading up to my baptism.  There were so many events before April 5, 2012, where I refused to recognize His presence in my life because I was scared, because I didn't want to give in.  But then He broke me.  And I praise Him for that every day, because my baptism was the start of the coolest ride I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't be where I am today or the person I am today, or have the story I do today if He hadn't chosen to keep pursuing me.  He never gave up.  Praise the Lord!

I love the Internet.  I love how I can come across the work of a guy I've never met, a guy who doesn't know me or my story at all, and somehow the words he wrote long before I ever knew he existed reflect my life and the struggles I face every day.  These two videos are a wonderful reminder to keep running on the path that God has laid out for me.  They're a reminder of my One Word, to keep seeking Him to help me release the demons of my past that still try to tie me down and hold me back from the John 10:10 life He wants for me.

The freedom I seek and desire can only be found in Him, so I'm gonna keep chasing after the Lord whose protection and love and grace over my life never quits.

A Different Kind of Miracle

I woke up in pain again today.  Almost like yesterday had never happened.  And it's not cool.  But you know what?

God is still awesome.

I am still blessed.

Early this morning, I decided that instead of focusing on the pain, I was going to focus on the fact that I was heading to worship with my sweet Theater Church family.  I serve an amazing God, and I got to go sing my heart out praising Him.  And tonight, I am SO glad I didn't let the devil win because this service spoke to me in ways I didn't expect (considering the theme), and I certainly don't think Pastor Sean or the worship team could've expected it.

Two songs really jumped out at me.  The first:  "Your Love Never Fails".  This song is important because a) it's one of the many songs I heard for the first time the night of my baptism, but mostly b) because all I could think as I cried out to Him with my head pounding and eyes throbbing was that His love never fails.  There are no corollaries.  His love is always enough.  His love has gotten me through the past few months, the past 20 years, it will get me through whatever is headed my way in the future.  I may doubt Him in moments of weakness, but in my heart, I know full well that He has saved me from so much, I have no reason to believe He won't save me from this and EVERY reason to believe that He will.  If I have Him, I have everything that I need to face the trials of this world.



The second was a Jeremy Camp song, "Revive Me."  I'd never heard of it before today, but I immediately saw how much I could relate to it.  I mean, the first three words are consider my affliction.  As I sang that song, I felt myself begging God to revive me.  But as those words poured from my mouth, I realized all over again that I wasn't necessarily asking Him to heal me and take away my pain.  Would I love it if He did?  Absolutely.  But I know that His plans are greater than mine, and if this is part of His plan for me, I want Him to revive me to the point that I can say "God is still good in the midst of my pain" with a smile on my face and the joy and peace that pass all understanding my heart.  I long to be the woman who faces trouble and says "Kai nyn.  I trust You even now."  And most of the time, I do, but I have doubts and fears and struggles, just like everyone else.



Then, there was Pastor Sean's sermon, and this was the part that really surprised me because, on the surface, one would not expect a message about regeneration and new birth to speak to me in my pain.  He spoke of John 3:8, "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."  I never understood the analogy in this verse until today.  If I remember correctly from what Pastor Sean said, in old translations, wind is translated to breath.  Thus, this verse is referring to how the breath of the Lord fills those who have been reborn in the Spirit.  People don't know why or how it happened, they just recognize it did.  It reminded me of the night I got baptized and how so many people were asking how I felt and there just weren't words for it.  It reminded me of just how real God felt that night, how I felt His presence in a way I never had before.  I need the feeling I had that night, one of His arms wrapped around me, to make it through the broken, sinful world that I live in with pain and heartache so common.

Tonight, I've been watching a livestream of a Nashville event called "Galentines" that I had signed up for to watch on Valentine's Day, but ended up working instead so I missed.  The singer Mandisa and some of her friends put together a special event for single ladies to come together and reach out to Jesus in their singleness.  I could get into the countless reasons why this event moved me so greatly tonight, but that's a post for itself, so instead, I'll just tell you what hit me the hardest.  In John 11:28, Martha said to Mary, "The Teacher is here, and He is asking for you."  Kelly Minter, the speaker on stage at the time who referenced that verse, looked straight at the camera and said, "He is here.  And He is asking for You."  I felt God speak with that, "I see you."  He wants me.  Right now.  For a girl with a constant fear of being invisible, those three little words mean so much.

Lastly, I just got off the phone with Brennan, and he reminded me of all of this once again, another reminder that God sees me today and every day.  Having someone say directly to me, "Your hope is in Him.  Not this world." was just the smack in the face I needed.  It doesn't matter if the doctors are telling me there are no other options, it doesn't matter if my mother asks me why I'm still a Christian when I have "so many reasons not to be", all that matters is that His Word never changes, and He is always faithful.  Brennan reminded me that having fears and doubts and struggles doesn't mean I'm not a Christian, it just means I'm human, and the important thing is that I allow Him to lift me out of that dark place.  I'm so thankful that God has taken a guy I met in the most random way, who baptized me, and almost eleven months later still uses that special bond to bring me closer to Him.  That conversation was the perfect cap on a day filled with obvious reminders of exactly how God is laying with me in my pain.  I am so thankful that I have friends who don't judge my weak moments and instead are there to push me back toward Christ.  As my sweet sister-friend Caitie said, this is church!

As I sit here trying to figure out a way to wrap up this post, all I can think is that today is a miracle, too.  It's a completely different kind of miracle compared to yesterday, but a miracle nonetheless.  Today is a miracle because God's breath gave me strength to make it through another day.  Because I had another opportunity to tell people how great He really is.  Because I am alive.  Because He has changed me to the point that I search for Him in the brokenness of this world.  (A lot of people who know me now never knew the old me, but I'm here to tell you the fact that I even want to get closer to Him is a huge sign of His power to transform.)  Today is a miracle because I have been reminded that my hope lies in Him and Him alone, and because of that, I can go to bed with a smile on my face.

Every day is a miracle when I serve a God this awesome.  I don't know what He's going to do with this part of my story, but I'm up for anything, and I know that whatever it is, it's going to be grand.

Sanctuary. Good for the soul.

The Sanctuary livestream was up last night, and oh, I can't even begin to explain how it felt to feel like I was back with that precious community again.  To be able to sing along with hundreds of college kids 550 miles away who are connected to me through the same living God and feel like I was right there in Woodmont Hills Church with them was exactly what I needed last night after a fast but exhausting and painful week.  I never understood until the past year or so what it meant when my friends and people I respect tried to get me to realize the importance of community...Sanctuary was the first place and experience to ever help me understand.

I haven't thought about the night I got baptized as much recently as I used to, which I suppose is only natural as time goes on, but last night, sitting here at my computer, every memory came flooding back to me like new.  It made me remember how I promised Brennan that night that I would never forget how I felt there in that church, and last night, I realized that no matter how much time passes or how increasingly rare my thoughts go back to that night, the feelings and emotions that hit me on April 5th will never be forgotten.

Really, though, how could they?  That was the night my entire life started over.  That was the night when I felt God in me and all around me in a completely new way.  That was the night when I let God break down every wall of fear I'd been fighting to keep up, scared to let myself trust Him again.  That was the night when the best possible thing this side of heaven happened to me.  How could I forget that?

Music has always been very important and spoken very strongly to me, that's no secret.  It doesn't even have to be worship music to really hit my heart . So I don't know what it is that is so special about hearing the Sanctuary band, getting goosebumps listening to sweet Kyla's voice (along with the rest of the band, I just like her in particular :) haha), but that's the only word to describe it all.  It's just special.

Sanctuary, that whole crew there, the band, they are always going to have a very special place in my heart because without even realizing it, God used them to light a spark that set in motion the craziest few months of my life.  The intensity I felt both the night I got baptized and last night is a feeling that I've yet to find anywhere else, and part of me doubts I ever will because of the part Sanctuary played in my pursuit of God.

I am and forever will be grateful for Sanctuary and the band that leads worship wholeheartedly each week.  They are proof that God will use willing hearts to change lives for Him.  I continue to pray that God will give me a way back to Nashville so I can attend Sanctuary again and worship with that community in person.  Lord, let it be.

Oh, and the icing on the cake was hearing the Sanctuary spin on a song I heard for the first time at church.  I've loved this song since I heard it at church, and it's been in my head since last night.  Enjoy. :)

The Collision

Today was.....insane.  Absolutely insane.  But in a totally awesome way!

I'm warning you now that I have slept approximately one hour since 4:00 yesterday afternoon, so this may or may not be a very detailed and clear post.  Forgive me.  If something is confusing, ask me.

Okay, so last night around midnight, I was just messing around on YouTube, and I decided to look at the list of videos that I have "liked" (and in YouTube terms, that means I gave it a thumbs up).  It was a rather short list, and on it I noticed a video titled "I Am Second - Chris Plekenpol".  Now, obviously, I know what the I Am Second series is all about (but I hadn't yet opened the I Am Second book that JD sent me), but I couldn't remember why I had liked this particular video.

So I watched it.  And the story of how he found God in the middle of the Iraqi desert nearly brought me to tears.  Afterwards, I felt this urge to Google him and see what I could find out about him, and as it turns out, he has a website because he is the pastor at a major church in Texas, so I clicked on the site.  The very first thing that popped up was a box letting me know that if I needed someone to talk to or there was something I was struggling with, Chris would be happy to talk with me.  My mind immediately went to last night's blog post and how I've been struggling with forgiving myself for things I know that God has already forgiven me for, so I left that and my email.

From then until about 6:00, I stayed up watching close to three dozen other I Am Second videos.  Then I had to take a break until about 7:15 because of some breathing trouble, but once that was taken care of, I picked up the I Am Second book from JD...and proceeded to read all 238 pages in one sitting.

As soon as I put the book down around 10:15, I pulled up my email, and there was a response from Chris.  He left his phone number and said to text him so we could work out a time to talk.  Of course, I did right then, and he almost immediately replied, saying that I needed to give him 15 minutes and then he'd call me.

When he did call, he asked me to tell him my life story, so I did.  All the way from my dad's death to my baptism to where I am today.  This is the total God part of it all.  What Chris said in response pegged a lot of details about my personality that he figured out simply from listening to me:  how I love to take care of people, how I'm far too hard on myself, how I try too hard at everything, how I feel better when I have something to do.  And I know it was the Lord speaking to me throughout it all, specifically when Chris emphatically said, "JUST STOP TRYING SO HARD.  In fact, stop trying at all."  He confronted me with the truth that all of this trying is doing absolutely nothing for or against God's perception of me.  He recognized that when people tell you to just stop doing something, it's so much easier said than done.

My favorite part of the entire conversation was when he told me how to stop trying.  He spoke of what I had told him about my baptism, the unspeakable joy that radiated from within me, the certainty that I felt of God's presence in that church, the excitement I felt at the realization that I was being brought into a full life with and because of Christ.  Then, he gave me an assignment of sorts to think of ways that I can relive the joy, peace, and excitement that I felt that night by showing Christ's love to other people, and he told me to text him later

I spent basically all afternoon (aside from the one hour that I actually slept) thinking about it, and texted him a few things around dinner time.  The biggest thing was to take 1 Peter 3 and apply it to my relationships with my family.  There is a lot of  resentment that's built up between us, and even though my passion for my faith is a source of tension, I have to be intentional about letting my actions shine Christ's love because words have gotten me nowhere.  Several people have told me this many times before, including JD, and I heard them, but I was so angry that I didn't want to take the time to really try and do it.  Now I am.

Another is to use my faith to minister to people I see that are grieving, not being shy about sharing the love of Jesus with them whether they know him or not.  This reminds me of my One Word for 2012: warrior.  I want to be the kind of warrior for Christ that seeks to make disciples of Jesus everywhere that I go.

I also want to continue sending thoughtful messages to my friends when I think of them because they have told me what a help and encouragement it is.

And the last thing I've come up with so far is to intentionally seek out opportunities to share my testimony with people because even though it sometimes makes me nervous, I've seen firsthand the kind of effect it's had on other people and their personal relationships with Jesus.

I'm sure I'll be thinking and praying about this "assignment" quite a bit in the days to come, so I'm sure more will come to me when I'm not so sleep-deprived. ;)

Seriously, though, y'all.  This whole thing just blows my mind.  It was completely God-orchestrated.  Only God could take YouTube and a video to lead me to a conversation with a total stranger who would speak His Truth into my heart in a very real, compassionate, accessible way.  It felt like I was talking to an old friend.  And to be perfectly honest, my baptism is the only other night that I felt this certain of God's presence.  I know for sure that God was using Chris to get my attention.  (Another example of proof: Chris texted me later tonight and told me he'd been praying about me and feeling like it was really important that he tell me to exercise every day.  I had never once mentioned to him my issues with my weight.)

Only God could put together a string of small little events and choices and turn them into one big picture that's this beautiful and unexpected.  And it all happened in the span of like 11 hours!

Only God could orchestrate the collision of the lives of two complete strangers and use a conversation to reignite my burning, overwhelming passion to chase Jesus with everything I have.  I am more determined than ever to surrender and let God change my heart towards my family, so I can just stop trying and show them Jesus without a single word.  I am more determined than ever to make Him first in everything that I think, say, and do, so that He has the ultimate control He so rightly deserves.  I am more determined than ever to honor Him.

This won't be the last you hear of my interactions with Chris Plekenpol. That much I know for sure.

To human eyes and human ears, it would like nothing more than a phone call.  But the truth is that because of that phone call and that conversation, because of that God-directed collision, everything in my life has changed.

His Pursuit

Ah, another Sunday at Theater Church.

Another Sunday for God to hit me.  And it felt awesome.

Several times throughout the service, mention came up of the story in the Bible from Luke 15:4-7 (also Matthew 18:12-14) that says a shepherd will leave 99 sheep in a pasture to go find his one sheep that wandered off.  And from the first time it was mentioned, my mind instantly went back to the night of my baptism and how it felt to realize that God was chasing me down there in that Nashville church.

I remember laying in Callie's bed that night thinking about everything that had happened.  As hard as I tried, I couldn't understand why God put so much effort into getting me to my breaking point, into pushing right to the edge where I was forced to come face-to-face with the fact that I needed to go back home to Him.

I mean, really?  I had spent the vast majority of my life hating God.  And I mean really HATING Him.  He could've just let me go.  After all, He's got so many followers who devoted their entire lives to His glory.  He didn't really need me - bitter, angry, broken, dirty, a-hundred-years-older-than-I-look me.  He could've spent His time lavishing blessings on the people who had recognized His goodness from the start, on the people who didn't turn on Him the second things got too hard for them to handle.  He could've so easily just let me keep falling, right?  Wouldn't that have been the easier thing to do?!

Ha.  No.  That's the thing about God.  He's the kind of God that says "There will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." (Luke 15:7)  He likes going after the "lost souls."  He likes redeeming the lives that the world can't be bothered with helping.  He likes taking people who had given up on Him and showing them just how badly they need a Savior.

I know that much because that's what He did with me.  Still tentative about diving fully back into the "whole being a Christian thing", He pulled off something completely ridiculous by human standards to get rid of the apprehension.  He got my mother, a single mom and a teacher, to afford to buy me a plane ticket to Nashville to go visit some of my Christian role models.  He stopped an infection on my arm from spreading the day before my plane left.  He got Callie and Phoebe to allow me to go to Sanctuary that night.  He led me to the side of the stage where Brennan and Joe were.  He gave me the courage to be vulnerable and tell them and the other two guys why I needed prayer.  He told me to go get baptized and gave me the strength to get up from my seat when I had no idea what was going on.  He led me back to the stage at the exact second that Brennan was walking in front of it, so I would have a familiar face to ask if I could get baptized.  I could go on and on.

If I had told my mom it was too much money to send me to Nashville for something fun, if the antibiotic hadn't worked that quickly on my arm, if Callie and Phoebe had said no, if I had changed my mind, so many things could have stood in the way of me and my baptism, things that would make any normal person say, "Well, it just didn't work out."  But no, He lined everything up perfectly so that I could experience the best night of my entire life.

He chased me down.

That night, and His pursuit of me that night, changed the course of the rest of this year.  Today's service was the perfect reminder of why I have no choice but to be completely and utterly grateful for His neverending pursuit of the hearts of every single one of His children, even the ones that the world deems worthless.

I was that 100th sheep.  And it's the knowledge of His pursuit of me and my heart and all the effects that that chase has had and continues to have on my life that gives me comfort when I start to worry about my mom's and my sisters' eternities.  They are now that 100th sheep, just like I was a short time ago.  He came after me, and He'll go after them, too.  There's no time limit for His work.  He rejoices when His lost sheep come back home.  He sees the worth in going after "the least of these" when no one else does.  That's why He is God and we are not.

An Army Rising Up

Today was pretty much a total bust.  It was raining, there's drama in the club, and basically no one came up to our tent.  I'm tired and going to bed, so this song is pretty much all I want to remember about today.  I've been listening to it over and over and over again this week.



Every single time I sing this song and I get to the line "There's an army rising up," I think about Sanctuary and my baptism.  Every person that was there that night played a part in how special it was for me.  I've said it many times before, but I've never felt love from a group of people like I did that night.  It was the first time I'd ever felt a Christian community banning together to lift me up, and they didn't even know me.  Every person that told me congratulations and hugged me or patted me on the shoulder or simply just cheered for me when Brennan lifted my arm in the air on stage was welcoming me into a family I'd been missing out on my entire life.  I'd been terrified of going to and trusting in a church until that night.

It wasn't just me, though.  I remember so clearly standing in the lobby talking to Taylor and Bruno, and I looked around and saw people on their knees with others just laying hands on them.  People who are just as broken as anyone else got together to bring some of us back to Christ, and most of the people probably didn't even know the ones they were helping.  Brennan and Joe and the other two guys who prayed for me certainly didn't know me.  They saw me at my weakest and held no judgment, just love and patience and sincere prayers to God on my behalf and my family's behalf.

At least thirty people got to experience the same overwhelming sense of love that I did that night, and as Kyla told me one day, that's a bond that we share that no one can ever change or take away.  Thirty people got baptized in a single night; several of my Nashville friends who attend Sanctuary regularly and go to churches where public baptisms are normal told me they've never seen anything like what happened on April 5th.  I remember getting on Twitter the next day and seeing a tweet from a girl through the Sanctuary twitter who said "There's a revival in Nashville."  And if those thirty+ other people have been feeling the same enormous, intense, overwhelming changes I've been feeling over the past almost six months, that revival is still going.

I am not the same person I was on April 5th, and I am so glad that's the case.  For the first time in my life, I am 100% sure of myself.  I've accepted my weakness.  I'm learning how to let go of the people who hurt me and the things I can't control.  April 5th was the first night I ever definitely heard God speak, and He's been speaking straight into my heart so often since then that I've been able to use His words to minister to others.  I have felt God breaking all of the chains that were holding me back, chains of fear, doubt, anger, pain, depression.  He's freeing me a little more every day.

And it all started in Woodmont Hills Church.  I have to get back to Nashville.  I have to get back there so I can go back to Sanctuary and be with the first Christian church community that ever made me feel like family.  I have to get back to the place that started the chain of events that changed my life and started turning me into the woman God's seen hiding in me all along.  I don't know when or how it's going to happen, but I pray that God will give me a way.

New

I've had several conversations with various people whose opinions and words I hold very high recently that have all sooner or later come back to this one recurring theme.

A new Mallory.

The first time I heard it, I took it in, but didn't quite understand what it really meant.  But as it kept showing up again, and again, and again, I knew there had to be something I needed to see there.

And tonight, before I started writing this post, I went searching on the old blog to see if I had written about this at all, especially since my baptism.  Well, through that, I stumbled upon this post from October 2010.  Yeah, I don't believe in coincidences, either.

The first thing that jumped into my head as I read that?  My heart wasn't in it.  Yes, I meant what I was writing, but I didn't really believe it.  I didn't believe that God would actually make those prayers come to fruition.  I was in the very beginning stages of coming back to God, I had no idea what I was doing or what I was getting myself into, I didn't know where to begin.  I still didn't believe that God would take all of that trauma and turn it into something beautiful.

Four months and one day later, I met The Vespers, and I began to see what it meant to be sure of who you are and live unashamed of your faith.

And then Ryann told me she appreciated her life more because of me.

And then other friends started telling me what they learned.

And then Callie told me the four of them had learned how to find the joy in life despite things getting hard because I managed to find the joy in life.

Everything started piling up in front of me in a way that I couldn't ignore it anymore.  Looking back on all of that, I can't believe everything that's happened since the day I met Bruno, Taylor, Callie, and Phoebe at school.  And here's something I don't think I've ever written on here before: a few days before they came to Campbell, I heard they were coming, so I went to their website to check them out, and as soon as I clicked on their page and looked at the picture of them, I thought to myself, "This could be what you've been waiting for."  I had no idea why I thought that.  Let's face it, I have some pretty weird thoughts sometimes.

Now, I do.  That was what I was waiting for.  I was waiting for a catapult that would throw me back at full force flying towards God, I just didn't know it.  God used them to help me.  Nobody would've guessed that me pouring out my story to Bruno, a stranger, at a crowded lunch table, would lead to me being baptized with Bruno and Taylor as witnesses in Nashville fourteen months later.  Forming relationships with those four have changed my life and was one of the smartest things I've ever done, no question.  But this post isn't meant to be about them.  This is about the fact that I am not the same girl that met them on February 2, 2011.  Furthermore, I'm not even the same girl that I was on April 5, 2012.

Taylor was actually the first person to call me out during one of our phone chats.  "You know what, this sounds like the old Mallory.  You're not the old Mallory anymore.  Be the new Mallory."  Thank you for that, Taylor.  When I got off the phone with him, all I could think, besides that he was so right about what he said, was, "So I wasn't making all the changes I've felt up in my head."

He is changing me, y'all.

I still have so far to go (don't we all?), but I'm falling more in love with Christ and chasing after Him with every day.  I'm feeling more sure of who I am and Whose I am every day, the same way I remember watching those four be the first day we met.  I woke up today feeling an overwhelming sense of peace about all of the issues that had been weighing on me.

I'm finally the Mallory that can say with 100% certainty that I know that God has got my back, that He is going to take care of me, and that He is in control.  I've never been more sure of anything in my life.  I see it, too, in how I'm not shy about telling people I'll pray for them (and then actually praying for them), in how I love to tell my story (Bruno was the first person to ever get the full story from start to finish, random fact) because I love to help people, in how I'm not ashamed of being who I am and living my life the way I truly believe God is asking me to.

I am not the same Mal that's inhabited this blog over the past 3 years.  I am changing.  And you know what else I know with 100% certainty?

I don't ever want to go back.

Three Months: Just the beginning.

It's been three months.  Three months since that epic night in Nashville. Three months since God hit me harder than ever before and I found Him in a completely new way.

In some ways, it feels like my baptism happened yesterday, and in other ways, it feels like I've lived a lifetime since then.

I've never remembered the details of an event so clearly. I still remember everything, the sights, the people, the music, the emotions. That's why I'm so grateful for this blog, because if I ever do start to forget, I can just go back and read that post and be taken right back to the moment, the moment when I realized everything that had been waiting for me when I was too scared to let go and just FALL.

Until that night, I was too scared to give up my fight for control, even as I worked so hard to be closer to God. There, in that church, though, something miraculous happened. I felt God for the first time surrounding me. He was unmistakably in that room. He was in the hearts of all the people who led me to that decision. He was in the voices of the band. Despite knowing that 30 or more people also got baptized that night, in the moment, it felt like everyone involved was there to be His vessels to call me back to Him, like it was all for me.

I have learned more about what it means to be a Christian and who God is and the gravity of what Christ gave up for me in the past 3 months from a handful of people that were a part of that night than I learned in the nineteen and a half years of my life before that.  And I think I know why...

I think it's because that night, as miraculous and God-breathed as it was, was far more than the culmination of my years-long journey back to God. It was also the beginning.

It was the beginning of me giving my whole heart into making a real relationship with Christ.

It was the beginning of me longing after Him more than I long for the affection of other people.

It was the beginning of me running towards Him without being afraid of falling.

It was the beginning of me trusting other Christians and forming a community around me because I realize that I can't do this alone. He's put these people in my life, he put those certain people at Sanctuary that night for a reason.

It was the beginning of Him taking the years of healing I had to have and turning them into something more glorious than I could ever imagine.

Now, three months after that night, I am here in Washington, DC, living my dream. This is a dream I had given up all hope of when I was in the midst of those surgeries. I had given up on God, I had given up on having a normal life again, I had given up on my future being bright. I've said it so many times today, but if you had told me in 2009 or 2010 that 2012 would turn out to be like this, I would have told you that you were insane. But no. I had turned my back on God completely, and He was still planning and setting things up to give me this ridiculous blessing. And not only that, I have more quality friends now than I know what to do with.  That kind of love is unimaginable. This is what it feels like to be faced with something you cannot understand, no matter how hard you try. It blows my mind.

When I wrote that post about the night of April 5, I titled it "The beginning of the rest of my life." I had no idea it would have this kind of meaning. He has done more in the past 91 days than anyone who was there to witness the miracles that night could have ever predicted. That night, my baptism, was the start of the most magnificent transformation that will continue for the rest of my time on this earth.

To the people involved, and you know who you are, I thank God for your willingness to be His hands in my life every day.  You have challenged me, prayed for me, prayed with me, and kept me focused when I had my moments of human weakness.  You are angels in my eyes, every single one of you.  I pray that God blesses you a thousand fold for the gift that you have been to me.

Thanks be to God. And that's all there really is left to say.

Yes, I'm going to talk about Nashville AGAIN.

This is Michal.  Her name is pronounced like Michael, and believe it or not, she actually MADE that dress!  (That has nothing to do with everything else I'm about to say, I'm just amazed that I know someone who can make something that pretty.)  Isn't she pretty?

So...you know how I just blogged yesterday about how I have these amazing friends who are like family to me?  Yeah?  Well, this lovely girl right here is officially included in that list.  Earlier tonight, we spent about an hour and 10 minutes on the phone together talking, laughing, and praying, and I can't even begin to explain how good it was for my heart to spend time with her tonight.

You may remember me talking about her in my recap of my epic night at Sanctuary in Nashville as the girl that Joe (Waffles!) introduced me to randomly after she came up and hugged him towards the end of the night.  Well, as it turns out, and I only found out about this a couple weeks ago, she was also the girl who  came up and hugged me right after I got out of the pool.  Apparently I really was in a state of shock that night, I didn't make the connection until she told me!  She later told me she was nervous that I would think she was a freak for coming up and hugging me before even introducing herself, and I told her that no, I didn't say anything because my mind was so overwhelmed I couldn't find words to say to anyone, but it was actually one of the sweetest things a stranger (because she was a stranger at that point) has ever done for me.  Besides, I love hugs.

We've been Facebook friends since the day I got back to North Carolina, but recently we started texting.  Last night, she said we might be able to talk on the phone tonight, so when things started getting particularly nasty around here, I texted her to see if she would be available for a phone chat tonight and be my distraction.  She called a few minutes later, and let me tell you, that conversation was such a gift to me.  Even cooler is that she said she needed a chat like that, too, so God knew what He was doing when He put it on my mind to text her!

I felt so much more at peace by the time we got off the phone (after an hour and ten minutes, my butt was starting to hurt from sitting on my driveway!), and it honestly (and I know I say this a lot) just blows my mind that a friendship this sweet came out of a chance meeting on what happened to be the biggest night of my life.  I felt totally at ease pouring my heart out to her, and through that conversation we both realized that we have quite a few similarities in our personalities!  Honestly, though, the sweetest part about it for me was right at the very end.  She asked if I wanted to pray with her before we got off, and once we did, she said "I love you."

That sounds so simple and small, I know, but it means a lot to me.  Making friends with other girls has never been easy for me, and here's this girl who, all she knows of me is one meeting, is already willing to remind me that not only does God love me, but also that He's put people in my path who love me wholeheartedly, as well.  It couldn't have come at a more interesting time, either, because just days ago, Taylor challenged me to think about why all of my closest confidants are guys (him, Brennan, Matt).  I mean, obviously there's Ryann who is like my sister, but in general, I never seem to really trust girls as much as I trust guys.  I don't usually let myself be as vulnerable when I'm with girls.  And then here comes Michal.  One conversation later, and this girl feels like the sister I wish I had had.  It's insane what God can pull off when He wants to.

Tonight was such good reassurance for me on so many levels.  She was actually the first to comment about how cool it is that God brought us into each other's lives and how much she loves it, us, and me.  God puts exactly the right people in your path at exactly the right moment.  I can already feel in my heart that she is going to be an amazing Christian sister to have at my side, and I know I'm going to learn a lot from her.  I already learned a lot tonight, so I can't wait to see what future conversations hold. :)

Today was just sweet.  Between this and getting to watch some of my dear friends get their diplomas via the online stream of Campbell's graduation, the magnitude of angels that God has put in my life amidst all the craziness is so evident I can't be anything but happy.

This is strange, but I like it.

It's the Sunday before finals week (aka the week from hell), and I am surprisingly calm.

In fact, I'm sitting here jamming out to some Hot Chelle Rae, having just eaten some mac & cheese, admiring the 13 pages of my French Lit take-home test that I FINALLY got done this afternoon (we'll ignore the fact that I should've had it done last week).

I am just ridiculously happy.

I got to talk to Taylor and Brennan today, which is pretty special.  And Taylor sent me this.

That navy blue spot next to the figure in brown in the center of the pic is me.  Taylor took this right as I was about to climb into the baptistery pool.  I don't even care that this isn't actually the pool where it happened because the water was too hot, I love that he got a picture of me up on the stage, and I love that he was sweet enough to think to take this.  It brings me right back to that night.  I remember every little detail and feeling like it just happened.  This picture and the other pictures from that night are the kinds of things you treasure for your entire life.

Something about getting this picture, and then sending it to Brennan, made me think again about just how incredible the people in my life are.  I am so grateful and so humbled.  Sometimes it just hits me, how undeserving I really am of all the amazing Christian friends God has put in my life, especially the ones like Taylor and Brennan who have been such mentors to me and not judged me when I was at my worst.

Hm.  Maybe that's why I'm so calm right now. :)

Anyway, I need to get off of here and read at least one chapter of Econ tonight before I go to bed.  I promised this guy in my class I'd help him review tomorrow for the final so it's kinda important that I know what I'm talking about, haha.

We're goin' at it tonight, tonight, there's a party on the rooftop, top of the world, tonight, tonight, and we're dancing on the edge of the Hollywood sign. I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it. It's all right, all right, tonight, tonight.

Thursday: The beginning of the rest of my life.

(Warning: possibly the longest post ever, but it's monumental, so it had to be!)

If you're just here to read about the night at Sanctuary, scroll down this post until you see a picture of a screen that just says "sanctuary".

Most of the day was really low-key.  The gig that night was in a record store, so it was acoustic.  That meant that there would be way less gear to unload, and there was no stage to prepare or anything.

We all slept in, which felt great.  I know the band needed an easy day a hundred times more than I did after everything they'd done on Tuesday and Wednesday and with the two jam-packed weeks of touring coming right up.  I finally got to meet Callie and Phoebe's parents, which was really nice.  It felt a little awkward staying  in someone's house all week and never being able to introduce myself to them.  But their mom had been out of town until Wednesday, and their dad was gone for work by the time we got up and in bed by the time we got home the previous days, so it just never happened.  They were very nice.

Another reason that it was good that we didn't have much to do was because there was a freakin' MONSOON outside.  It was pouring rain literally from the time I woke up to the time we headed to Sanctuary about 8:45.  It would've been really nice had I actually remembered to bring a jacket to Nashville, but I made it work.  A little water never hurt anybody, right?

We left for the store about 4:45, and we didn't get there until like 5:30 because apparently people in Nashville don't know how to drive in rough weather, either.  The funny part about it was that we still got there before the boys did.  Bruno accidentally left Taylor because Taylor sent Bruno a text he meant to send to Phoebe, so that had something to do with it.

The record store, Grimey's New and Preloved Music, was TINY.  And not only was the building tiny, it was packed wall to wall with records of all genres.  It was pretty cool to see.  The only remotely frustrating part about it was that no matter where I stood, I always ended up being in somebody's way.  But I guess that was to be expected.

Once we got there, I wanted to help with the unloading, but it was easier to just stay out of their way.  The boys had some friends to help, so none of us girls had to go out in the rain. :)  It was really good, too, because you had to walk down several flights of stairs out the back door just to get down to the parking lot. The store owners were nice and let me borrow a stool to sit on because there was no way that I could have stood up in the same spot for that long without my feet throbbing.

These are just some of the pictures I took there.  This should tell you just how up-close-and-personal everything was, haha.

This last picture is of me and Danny, one of the guys I met at Waffle House Tuesday night. We spent a good bit of time talking while we were at Grimey's.  Afterwards, when a whole bunch of us decided to go to Baja Burrito, I asked him if I could ride with him, and he said sure.  It was still pouring when we all left, so he told me to wait on the covered porch at Grimey's while he went to get his car; he had to park really far away because he got there late.  I thought that was very gentlemanly of him. :)  He ended up making a wrong turn, and we still got there before everyone else.

When we got inside, I told him I had to wait for Bruno because he was buying my food, and then he got even more gentlemanly and said "Oh no, I got you.  Go ahead."  And I just looked at him like "Really?" because, well, I've never had a pretty much complete stranger buy me food before.  He insisted, so I did.  :) The food was really good.  I had a delicious taco salad that was so big I couldn't eat it all.  I sat with Danny, Phoebe, and these two girls named Ashley and Tori.

About 8:40, Taylor, Bruno, this guy named Ben, and this girl named Emily all decided to leave for Sanctuary.  I've heard about Sanctuary from Taylor for months, so I knew I wanted to check it out, but I wasn't sure I was going to get to go because Callie and Phoebe didn't want to.  Finally, they decided they were going to hang out in Nashville with the rest of the group for a while, so I could go.  I didn't realize until later just how much of a God thing that was.  This was the start of a night I'm going to remember forever.

Taylor told me on the way that 500-600 college kids show up every week and that it was going to be a bit nuts.  It was at a big church not too far away from Baja Burrito.  The church was very modern-looking, and looked very, very nice.  The actual service was held in this really, really big room that was just nothing but chairs, open space for people to stand, and a stage.  I sat down three rows from the front; I told the boys I had to be able to sit but understood if they didn't want to sit with me.  Taylor was standing with the crowd at the front, but Bruno hung out with me because he said he was pretty worn out, too.

Just after 9:00, the band got up on the stage, and the singer started talking.  He explained how we were just going to sing some praise music for a while, and then there would be a ministry team down at the front for anyone who needed someone to talk to or to pray with.  He said how he knew that God was going to move in that room that night, and that was just...beyond prophetic. (You'll see.)

I think we sang for about half an hour, but I have no idea really because I didn't look at my cell phone one time once it started.  It was kind of weird; I had never heard any of the songs they played, but somehow, I knew what melodies to sing.  Maybe it was God, maybe it's just I have a good ear for music, but I think that's pretty cool.  

Then, the singer asked the ministry team to go to the front of the stage, and he said that both guys and girls were up there so guys would have a place to go, and girls would have a place to go.  I didn't know if that meant that girls could only talk to the girls or what, but I headed for the left side of the stage.  I saw four guys were up there, but I only really looked at two of them, and I asked them if I could talk to them, and they said of course.  I asked them to pray for healing for my family, healing for all the damage Chelsea's mental illnesses have caused, healing from all the pain I've been holding in my heart, just healing for all of us.  I started crying as I was talking, which is unusual because I really don't like crying in public.  The two guys I had looked at in the beginning grabbed my shoulder and my hand, and as the first one started praying, I felt the other two join the circle and basically surround me.  As they were praying for me, I started full on SOBBING; I can't even tell you the last time I cried that hard.  Only three of the guys prayed out loud, and when they were done, before I even cleared my eyes, I hugged them and just said thank you.  Then, I turned and found that guy #4 was Joe that I met Tuesday night.  (Later, Joe told Taylor he had no idea why at the time "but God was just telling him to get up to go pray with the other guys and then who was the first person to come up? this girl.")  When I saw it was Joe, all I could get out was "hey!" like "whoa, I did not expect to see you!" and he got up and just held me for the longest time.  He asked me how I was, and I told him I'd never felt more broken in my life.  And that's true.  He told me that that was good because it meant I was falling into Christ.  He told me Matthew 21:44, and kept saying just how much God loves me, and held me as long as I needed him to.  I can't describe intensely enough just how God-breathed it was.

I sat back down afterwards to get out of the way of the other people, and the crowd sang as more and more people went up for help.  After a little while, the singer said, "There are two baptistery pools, one up here, one in the lobby area, and even though you guys haven't seen it, there have been three baptisms already tonight."  The place busted out in applause, and two guys tore down the curtain in front of the pool behind the stage.  All of a sudden, I felt like God was screaming at me, "GO! GO GET BAPTIZED! You haven't done it yet, and if you really mean what you say when you say that you want this to be the year you get close to Me, DO IT."  (in reference to my One Word)  That was the first time I've ever been 100% sure I was hearing God.  I was baptized as a baby, but that's not the same thing as making the choice, you know?  I asked Taylor where to go for the baptistery.  He pointed me in the right direction, so I just walked over to the edge of the stage and ended up running straight into one of the guys who had prayed for me earlier.  His name is Brennan.  He said hey, and I asked him if I could get baptized.  Another guy asked what I said and Brennan told him, and he took me in the back where I could change into this waterproof suit thing.  As we got to one of the changing rooms, he asked me if I wanted one of them to do it, and I didn't know why at the time, but I asked him to.  He said yes and went to go put on a pair of full-body waders.  He was back by the time I'd changed.

Then, he took me back out to the pool, and warned me it was really hot as I climbed in.  This is where it got kind of funny - the water was SCALDING.  (I later found out it was about 100 degrees, I can't believe that didn't bother other people!)  I tried to get in, but literally could not stand it, and another guy told Brennan the one in the lobby was nice and cold, so we went out there.  He let me hold his hand to keep from slipping on the tile floor since my feet were now all wet.  The lobby was empty at this point, and I really appreciated that in the moment because for some reason, I was nervous, so I liked that it was just me, Brennan, and God.  He explained to me all about baptism and what it meant, and he asked me if I believed that Jesus Christ was the Lord and Savior, and I said yes.  He told me that when I came back up, all of my sins would be washed away and that I would be free.  He dipped me back, which was a little awkward because of the steel in my back.  I had to hold his hand again as we walked back across the lobby, and then this girl just walked up to me and said, "Hi, I know you don't know me, but I want to give you a hug! I am so happy for you, congratulations!" and it was just the sweetest thing.  I've never felt as much love from complete strangers as I did there.  Brennan was asking me how I felt and stuff, and I couldn't even think straight.  Like, I could seriously barely form the words to talk to him.  It was so weird, I've never felt anything like that.  I was squeezing his hand kind of tightly because I was shaking a little, and he just kept saying, "I've got you. I've got you."  He had to take me across the stage to get to the side where I could get to my changing room, and when we got up there, he held my arm up (like the ref does with the winner of a wrestling match, haha that's the best analogy I can think of) and the whole crowd applauded and cheered.  They did that for every single person who got baptized.  (There were over 30!! They were there past midnight still baptizing people.)

Brennan told me after we got changed to go get my phone, because he wanted to give me his phone number.  He said I could call or text him anytime I needed someone to talk to or pray with, that he didn't care if it was 4 am, he would be there.  I've never had someone say that to me EVER.  As I worked my way back through the crowd, everyone I looked at was smiling at me, or patting me on the shoulder, and saying they were so happy for me and congrats and stuff like that.  One guy came up and told me how brave I was.  When I finally got to my seat, Bruno reached out and gave me a hug, which is something he basically never does because he's just not a touchy feely person.  I grabbed my phone and camera and headed back for Brennan, but then I ran into Taylor, who walked up just looking at me like "daaaaaaang" with wide eyes haha.  He said I was so bold to do that and gave me a hug, too, and then I went to find Brennan.  I got his number and then asked if I could get a picture with him, and he said yes, so we went out to the lobby where the lights were on and got someone to take the pic.  We started talking some more and I started telling him more about the whole family situation and I started crying again.  He kept hugging me and reminding me of the Truth and that he'll be here 24/7 whenever I need him.

Brennan.  I will never forget this angel.

Brennan left to go back in, and I went to find Joe because I wanted to give him a hug, too.  He was sitting literally three rows from the door, right there where I could find him.  I got a picture with him, too, and told him how much what he said meant to me and that he had a hand in what pushed me to do that.  As we were talking, I told him how good it felt to have a real Christian support system around me, because as amazing as my friends are, I've never been close to this vulnerable with them, except for Matt and even with him it was never about God.  He reminded me to rely on God, not them, and I told him I know that, but it just felt amazing because not being in a family of Christians or having a church family can make the hard times feel even more alone for me because I crave human contact so much. Then, this girl walked up and gave Joe a hug, and he said, "Michal, Mallory feels alone. Will you be her friend?"  Literally, just like that.  And she looked at me, smiled, said "welcome to the family" and told me to look her up on Facebook. :)

Joe. aka Waffles! :)

I got a couple more pictures, too, because I kept thinking to myself that I wanted to remember every little detail.  

the pool where it happened.  the verse on the plaque is John 4:14

me with two of my favorite boys. :)  I'm so glad that they were there to witness that.

I went back to the dressing room I'd been in because I let my hairties in there, but I didn't see them, so I came back out.  Other people who had been baptized were up on stage talking and even though I felt like I didn't want to when I went by them the first time, I decided to do it on the way back.  I had to make it short, though, because I noticed Callie and Phoebe were there about that point.  By the time I got out to them, Taylor had told them, so they told me congrats, too. :)  I noticed the singer out there in the lobby, so I went and just told him thank you for playing a part in all of that because his being a vessel for God to reach me was part of what pushed me to do that.  He was very sweet.  Then, I just said bye to Bruno, Taylor, and Joe, and we left because at this point it was almost midnight.

AND SCENE! Haha.  Sorry for that being so terribly long, but can you really blame me for wanting to get every little detail of such an epic night down on record? :)

Seriously, though.  Thinking about this just blows my mind, and I experienced it all!! I honestly FEEL like a whole new person.  It sounds weird, I know, but it felt like my whole life started over.  I can't explain how grateful I am to have experienced the depth of love from that entire crowd.  I've never felt love like that from other people, I don't think.  And I wasn't scared or shy once, I felt like I was with family I'd known for years.

And Brennan.  Seriously.  I remember every feeling I had as I talked with him and listened to him.  His instant dedication to me and teaching me what he can about God is something I can only think to call Christ-like.  Every single time I hugged him, it felt like I was hugging Christ, like I could feel God using Brennan to physically reach me.  Now I know why I asked him to baptize me, even though I didn't realize at the time - it was because God knew that I needed a friend/mentor like him in my life.  And the fact that THIS happened on a trip to visit friends, by myself, in a city and state I've never been to before, a trip I almost canceled because of the infection on my arm, just shows me how much God had His hand all over this trip.  He wanted me there, and He was not going to let anything get in the way of that.  He loves me so much, He was willing to pursue me.  He loves you that much, too.  It was meant to happen just like this.  It was perfect, I didn't feel like I had to act a certain way to try and fit in with people; instead, no one knew me, I was myself, and everyone took me right in, anyway.

And maybe I'm reading too much into it, but how perfect is it that it was pouring rain all day the one day that I let God wash all of my sins away? :)

I already knew I was going to remember this trip as a whole for a long time, but this night, and all of the people I met in the course of this night who had a hand in it, especially Brennan, they are memories I will carry with me forever.  

April 5, 2012: the beginning of my eternal life.

Thank you, God.