Life Now

Well. I definitely wasn't planning on disappearing for a month and a half. But things happen. And I frankly haven't been in the best mindset or had much to write about. Here's a recap:

- going away dinner with my church fam

- last Sunday at church where I was prayed over

- packing

- surgery prep

- surgery, which involved an awful several hours delay they failed to inform me about after Mom and I stayed up all night to be at the hospital at the crack of dawn, but a successful surgery that officially diagnosed me with endometriosis and removed what docs could find

- moved back to NC the day after surgery (thanks to church people loading the truck) (that was a fun 12 hour ride home)

- the week after surgery, I came down with a massive case of bronchitis and a sinus infection, and because my body rejects steroids now, it's been a month of breathing treatments trying to get over it

- I wrote my thesis

- I got an A on my thesis (!!!!!!!!!!)

- now, I'm trying to a) find online work to make some money while I'm stuck home for a year and b) figure out what schools I'm going to apply to for next year's PhD programs

I'm very lonely here. I have heard from practically no one up in NYC, and because I've been so sick and exhausted, I haven't had the energy to reach out to them. Thank God Matt is back in the area now. If I didn't get occasional visits from him, I would have absolutely no one outside of my very dysfunctional family.

I moved from a huge city where I could just walk out my front door and have endless entertainment, to a small town where you have to drive to see anything and I don't have a license or a car, and there's not that much to see anyway. The silence is not good for me. I have been getting way too caught up in my own head thinking about all the people I've lost and all the relationships that have failed and all the things I wish I could change but that I know I can't do anything about. And the fun part about it is that my life isn't going to be changing any time soon.

I did get a call from August today, which is the first time I feel like I've smiled when thinking about New York since I left.

I don't know. This is the way life is for now. I guess I better get used to it.

Love and Prayer

I made it through today without a seizure.

I think God knew how much I really needed to hear the sermon. It was on the power and importance of prayer.

And between today being Father's Day - and the fact that having my birthday, the anniversary of my dad's death, and Father's Day all in the same week can be emotionally draining - and having surgery tomorrow, I really needed to be in God's presence with my church family.

I was getting choked up during the sermon for some reason, and my friend Dorothea could tell something was up with me, so she just reached out and held my hand for the rest of the time Pastor Ben was talking.

But the most beautiful part of the day came after the service. A group of 9 or 10 of my friends literally surrounded me and covered me in prayer for my surgery tomorrow. The anxiety has been bad, so the fact that they were willing to do that meant so much. It was a beautiful reminder of not just how truly NOT alone I really am, but also of God's presence in the midst of all of this and with me as I head into surgery tomorrow. He showed me how much He loves me through them and the way they love me.

They are my people, and I am so lucky to have them. My prayer is now that I can love them (and others) the way that they have loved me. Deeply, selflessly, unconditionally.

Not a Coincidence

I was planning on writing about this yesterday, but got a little distracted by all the medical stuff.

Sunday was the first day that I made it through a church service without a seizure since Easter Sunday, and close to a month before that.

Why? I'm absolutely convinced it's because of prayer.

Sunday before the service, I met with my friend Dorothea (who is an elder) and Christy (my pastor's wife), and we talked about everything that's been going on, and my stress and anxiety over all that's been happening. I talked about how I hate causing trouble every week, but I feel like if I don't come, my week will be that much harder. And how there's a lot of underlying anxiety that I still hold on to because of my previous negative experiences with the church, even though I know that City Grace is not like that and I've tried so hard to tell myself that. And Christy reassured me I was safe there and that everyone does genuinely love me and is genuinely concerned for me.

But then each of them prayed over me, and despite all over the emotion that had been coursing through my body during the conversation, when their prayers started, I felt peace. Complete and utter peace.

And the service, I was actually able to focus on what was happening, the worship, the sermon. My heart rate never picked up in the slightest even once (my heart racing is the sign I get that a seizure is coming). When the service was over, I found Dorothea in the lobby and just busted out laughing.

The first Sunday I had without a seizure in weeks just so happened to be the Sunday I was prayed over at the beginning of the morning? Not a coincidence. I don't buy it. Dorothea said she'd pray over me every Sunday if that's what it takes to keep me okay for the morning.

God is awesome. That is all.

Do something that scares you.

Some people from my church are going to Haiti on a missions trip this summer, and tonight they had a little fundraiser thing where people could perform, and there were baked goods and coffee and stuff like that.

Well, a few weeks ago, my friend Cathy (who was organizing the whole thing) put out a message that she still needed some performers, and on a whim, I messaged her and told her that I had a poem I would perform.

This poem, to be specific. The only poem I've ever written, though I did edit it a bit to make it flow better. It's so weird - I wasn't trying to write a poem. All of this just came out and it happened to make a good spoken word poem.

So yeah, that fundraiser was tonight, and I was so nervous beforehand that I was going to blank out on the words in the middle of it, but I didn't so yay! My voice did shake from nerves, but people really loved it, which made me feel good since it was my first time doing this.

I'm really glad I did this. It kind of makes me want to do it again. But I'm not going to force myself. I'm just going to wait for inspiration to hit like it did with this one. In this case, I just got one specific phrase ("butterflies and heart eyes") stuck in my head and everything else sort of built around it.

I feel really good and really proud of myself. I had a friend record it, and I listened to it back when I got home, and where normally I'm such a perfectionist that when I do that I start nitpicking apart everything I could have done better, tonight, I'm just really pleased. So yay.

I guess it's good to do something that scares you every now and then.

Connector

"We're all a part of one body, right? Well, you're that part of the body that brings all the other parts together. You connect people."

That was what a friend of mine from church told me on Sunday. I'm a connector. For a minute, I didn't really see where she was getting that idea, but then I understood it.

Anyone who knows me knows that second to my relationship with God, my relationships with other people mean more to me than anything.

I hate superficial conversation (and Southerners are the masters of "small talk"). I want to really know a person. Their stories. Their fears. Their passions. The things that make them who they are and what makes them absolutely come alive.

I want to be someone who gives others a safe place to let the hard stuff out, to let down the facades we so often feel the need to put up for the world to see.

I put 100% of myself into every single one of my relationships, even though I know other people won't always do the same.

Taking care of other people and loving them is what matters to me.

People often talk about "guarding your heart" and all that, and trust me, I've tried, but it doesn't feel natural to me.

I don't know how not to invest in people.

I don't know how to disregard others for the sake of taking care of myself, not even when it comes to sleep (and you know how much I love sleep). All of my friends know that they can call me anytime, day or night, and I will answer the phone. I will pick helping people over anything, even if it means I get behind on my own stuff.

I know it sounds crazy, but I don't know how to be any different.

The thing is, though, I really didn't know that other people took much notice of it. So for my friend to say what she did about how I'm a blessing to my church because my love of making connections with people actually helps bring everyone else together, that very well may be one of the best compliments I've ever been given.

After several rough relationship issues in the past year, this was just the confirmation from God that I needed to keep being me and doing what I'm doing. Because sure, I may get hurt sometimes, and that stings like hell, but in the end, I know that the benefits, for both myself and for others, make it all worth it.

This is part of who I am. And it's not going anywhere.

Not Forgotten

I've been meaning to blog this all week, but needless to say, the past seven days have not been very kind to me. Better late than never, though, I suppose.

Last Sunday, I woke up in a bad state of mind. It's weird that that often happens on Sundays (not). But I was talking to my friend Steven after the service asking him to pray for a few things, and before I could even get into the details, he said something that hit me right in the gut.

"You know, I've actually been praying for you all week. I wasn't sure why, since it's been a couple weeks since we've seen each other, but God just kept telling me to pray for you."

I couldn't help but chuckle a little, because what else are you supposed to do when you hear God go "I haven't forgotten you, silly girl." I think that when it feels like so much negativity is piling up on me, it gets really hard for me to remember that God's still here and still faithful whether it feels like it or not. I'm so thankful that we serve a God who is not dependent on feelings. Imagine how messed up this world would be if that were the case!

I often struggle to remember that God isn't focused on whether or not I get angry or doubt. God is still the same whether or not I feel secure or am at peace. God is still paying attention even when it seems to me like he's not. It was shown to me in the fact that my friend knew he needed to pray for me even when he wasn't sure why. Steven didn't know anything was wrong, yet God told him to pray for me because God knew I needed it.

I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately, but it's stories and moments like that that remind me that God is bigger than I can ever possibly imagine. The details are not lost on the King of the universe.

Praise be to God.

Blessings in Obedience

Today at church, the message was titled "When God Shows Up." It was our Christmas service, so Pastor Ben talked about how Christmas symbolizes God coming down into the messiness. We don't have to pretend like everything is great and beautiful just because it's the Christmas season, because God purposely chose to insert himself here when he came in the form of that little baby. It's the ultimate story of God showing up for us.

His message was really short because he said they were going to have a couple testimonies shared of God showing up in their lives. Well, while the first one was happening, my sweet friends Betsy and Adam talking about the journey they had to go on to get their son Teddy, I started getting this nudge that I had something to say. At first I thought 'well they have this planned out and Ben didn't ask me to talk and I don't want to be rude' and yada yada yada, but that feeling just kept getting stronger that God was telling me I needed to get up and say what was on my heart.

So I snuck down the side of the theater to Ben and whispered asking could I please have a couple minutes to say something? He said yeah as long as I could keep it really short, which I knew was only because the movie theater people need us out of there at a certain time. So believe it or not, I actually managed to say what I needed to say in about 3 minutes. I know, it's amazing for me!

Here's the thing. As Adam and Betsy spoke, I realized that one of the biggest ways God has shown up in my life in the past couple of years is that he brought me to City Grace. I wouldn't have even heard about or looked up this church if the data in the map app on my phone wasn't wrong in telling me its location. I moved here knowing that finding a church was the best thing for me to do, that I needed a community, but after getting kicked out of one as a teenager and never being truly accepted at another as a new Christian in college, I was scared. I was scared to put myself out there again. I was scared to start at another church and find out that I didn't belong there, either. And I remember when I first started coming to City Grace, I was terrified of really trusting anyone. They seemed so nice, but it seemed too good to be true. Sound familiar?

But God showed up in my life big time when he brought me to this family. They are the people who carried me through all of this craziness since I moved here - all the seizures, the shoulder surgery, both of the tumor scares. They showed me what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ when they brought me food every day after my surgery and checked in on me. They're the first church community that when they say they'll pray for me, I believe they'll actually be praying for me.

Because of City Grace, I found healing from my old bad experiences. Because of City Grace, I learned that though the people in the church are not Jesus, when they do get it right, it's the most beautiful thing in the world. Because of City Grace, I'm not scared anymore. I know that if I leave NYC to pursue my Ph.D. (which honestly will likely happen, but we'll see), I will be brave enough to find another church. Because of City Grace, I will always have family in this city, no matter where I end up.

Ben said to the congregation that me speaking wasn't planned but "how can I say no to someone asking to share how God has shown up for them?" I felt kind of bad after the fact for ambushing him, but he didn't seem to mind because I did keep it short so we still managed to get out of the theater on time. And so many people came up to thank me afterwards for sharing what I did, even a girl who had only been there three times so really knew nothing about me. It was weird, I actually got a little choked up while I was speaking, and I honestly don't remember the last time that happened. But it was so worth it. I wanted to share that and tell the people there who have supported me so faithfully from the beginning just how much God has used them to help me in my life. And I was grateful and relieved to hear that so many other people appreciated it, so I didn't waste their time.

Really, though, the biggest reason that I'm glad I did it is because I really felt it was God telling me to get up and go down there. I was scared Ben would say no, but I knew I had to try. So I got up and went. I was scared people wouldn't understand the point I was trying to say, but I spoke. I got shaky and emotional and for a second wondered what I was doing, but I finished it. Obedience isn't always easy, but God always makes it worth it. And tonight, I'm glad I don't have to go to bed wondering if I should have said something.

Be brave, friends. Even the smallest thing can seem so overwhelming when we know God is calling us into it, I know that. But thankfully, we serve a God who is bigger than anxiety and fear and who can get you through anything that he's calling you to do as long as you're willing. I never thought that public speaking would be something I would get nervous about, but God gave me the courage to get up and ask, the wisdom to say what I needed to say and do it succinctly, and the peace to do it to the end without losing my composure. And he blessed my obedience in getting up by giving me unplanned words that ended up touching a lot of people.

I've known for a while that God has given me a platform of sorts to minister to and help people with the things that I've learned through my life story. I'm glad I got up upon his prodding today, and I pray for the faithfulness to continue to listen out for his leadings. Because I'm learning that in being obedient and helping others through sharing my story, I'm helping myself, too.

What to do when your heart's in two places.

"Just think where you are! You're in NYC. People could only dream of living there."

This is what Jay told me when I talked to him about the loneliness I've been battling lately. It's also, frankly, what I've been telling myself a lot.

I know how lucky I am to be here, and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life in terms of schooling and figuring out the next step in my life and whatnot.

But in terms of fitting in? I just still don't feel like I belong here.

The only people I can really consider my friends at all are the people at church, but I really don't talk to them at all outside of Sundays, let alone see them. I never see Holly anymore, and the people in my classes are friendly in class, but everyone just rushes off as soon as it's over so there's no opportunity to talk. Because this is life in the city. Everyone is on the move all the time.

I do love my church, though. They are a family. They are the first church that I've really had good experiences at/with (Theater Church, looking back, was not a healthy place for me to be). I wouldn't have made it through this past year without them. And I am so, so glad I found them and am with them as a part of this church community.

But NC, Campbell, that's still where my heart says I belong. That's what I think when I say the word "home," which is why I tweeted this to Isaiah last night.

@izzyest21 Your #1 will be coming home where she belongs! Even if only for a few days.

— Mallory Jones (@_callmemal) October 18, 2015

Because in my gut, that's what it feels like. Even though my life and my mood have drastically improved over the past few weeks, I still can't wait to get home. I can't wait to have girl time with Summer, and see Nicole's house, and laugh with my boys again. I can't wait to give them the hugs that are long overdue. I can't wait to be surrounded by their infectious personalities and get that everything-is-right-in-the-world feeling that I seem to only get when I'm with them.

That tiny little campus out in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, that was the first place that ever felt completely safe for me. There wasn't anywhere close to the drama I had to deal with in Swansboro, and I met so many people that, when I did have problems, I knew would have my back without a second thought, people who are still with me even when we're so far apart.

I guess I'm just tired of being so far away from everything and everyone that makes sense to me. From the people who know me in my bones and that I have security with. It's like as soon as I found those people, and I found that security, I had to leave. And even though I know I still have that tight bond with several of them, it's just not the same. I can't get hugs from them when I'm sad, and I can't hug them and be right there with them when they need me. I hear their voices on the phone or see their faces on FaceTime, and it simultaneously makes me so happy because it reminds me of the authentic friendships that I have but it also makes my heart hurt because it reminds me that 530 miles is a lot and I can't get back there until January, and when I do, it'll only be a few days before I have to leave again and go through that heartache of remembering what I'm leaving behind all over again, just like I did this past January. Once a year for the people who know you the best and love you the most is just not enough.

So yeah, my heart is torn between here, the city I've always dreamed of living in and know is where I'm supposed to be, and there, the place that makes me feel safe and secure and has all the people that make everything seem okay and make me feel like I can conquer the world.

But is there really anything I can do? I don't have the money to go back early.

So all I can do is just suck it up and grow up and learn to deal with it. I'm not a real big fan of that answer, but it's all I've got.

Romans 8:28. Just use this for something, Lord.

It's been an overwhelming few days.

Sunday, I had a seizure at church. My first seizure in 49 days.

I went to the ER because my neck hurt really bad and I couldn't get up without crying.

A CT scan revealed that my neck was fine from the seizure...but that there is a lesion in my throat right near where my thyroid used to be (yeah, thankfully it hasn't decided to grow back again). The CT machine doesn't have the capabilities of telling what the lesion is in terms of a tumor or cyst or something else, but the doctor said that with my history of tumors in that area, the odds weren't exactly stacked in my favor. He told me to get to my endocrinologist ASAP.

By some miracle, my doc had an appointment open yesterday morning. Usually, because she's only there a couple days a week, it's pretty much impossible to get a same-day appointment. I brought her the report, and the radiologist had actually written in there that he was recommending an MRI with contrast to find out what it is. So she got that scheduled immediately, and last night at 8:30 was basically the only time they had open all week. So I went. Then, I spent 4 hours in the ER to get my shunt reprogrammed because I couldn't just go to my neurosurgeon's office because of the hour. By 11:15, I was in excruciating pain (it started hurting worse about 3 minutes after the MRI started), so the wonderful doctor went and ordered me Morphine without making me try lesser drugs that were not going to work. Bless him.

Well, I wasn't expecting to get results on the MRI until next week when I went back for a follow-up with my doc, but her nurse called me today because the report had just gotten faxed to her. The MRI still couldn't tell us what is in my throat, so she said my options were just a regular ultrasound or an ultrasound-guided biopsy. I was like, uhhh biopsy, I want to know what the hell this thing is and what we need to do about it. So...I have a biopsy next Wednesday.

My nerves and anxiety have not really been handling this well the past couple of days. I'm really scared. How I found out about this lesion is literally the exact same scenario as how I found out I had tumors last time. And yeah, the chance of cancer is really low, especially because my tumors have always been benign, but it's just, this is the fourth time I've been faced with this. And I'm scared this is going to be another tumor and I'll have to deal with another surgery. I'm just overwhelmed because I so was not expecting to have to deal with any of this. And plus now, like, I've never had a biopsy before (believe it or not) so that is not really doing anything for my anxiety.

But here's the thing. I have been practically flooded with support since this started on Sunday. From everyone at church, to Summer who I was texting throughout that afternoon, to Clayton and Austin, to all of my soccer boys, I am acutely aware of just how incredible the people who love me really are. They tell me I'm Superwoman when I feel like I'm falling apart. They believe I'm going to be just fine when I'm struggling and scared. There hasn't been one second since I got this news on Sunday that I have thought I was alone in this. I am incredibly thankful that I have this security in the midst of a lot of uncertainty.

Last night, I had a dream about the day I met The Vespers. I specifically remembered how Bruno told me, "You're going to do big things with that testimony, bigger things than I'll ever do." And despite my fears, that's really helped keep my perspective in check. I can't control what's happening - it's happening whether I like it or not - but what I can do is pray that God will use whatever comes out of this to add to the story I've been given to tell people. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. He's done that with stuff from my past that is a lot worse than this, so I believe He can use this, too, and make good come from it. I see that already in the fact that while it sucks that I had a seizure after seven weeks free of them, if I hadn't had that seizure, I wouldn't have found out about this lesion. So this what I'm praying for, because I feel like that's all I've got. I want His plan, not mine.

So yeah, I'm scared of what's going to happen, but in the end, I know that I'm not going to have to face it alone. And that's enough reason alone to say praise God.

Before I had the seizure, this is one of the songs we sang at church.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord,
still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I don't know about you, but I quit believing in coincidences a long time ago.

Life-Giving

Today was one of those days where I was reminded just how thankful I am for the community I have.

Nothing super significant happened. I'm just really happy and feeling very loved.

My church family, y'all. I smile just from being around them. This is the first church I've ever been in where I feel completely safe and free to be honest. The first church community that when they say they are praying and will pray for me, I have no doubt that they're telling the truth. I have made some dear friends. I can't wait to go back every single Sunday because when things are great, my joy only multiplies being in worship with my dear community, and when things are hard, they surround me with love, will pray for me on the spot, and show their investment in my life just by the way they hug me and look at me when I'm talking to them. They are a gift.

That would have been enough good for me today, but then tonight, I was just sitting here listening to music, and suddenly Austin surprise FaceTimed me. We got to talk for about 40 minutes, and our conversation reminded me that I don't have to worry about him. This friendship is totally symbiotic, and both of us are giving of ourselves. For a change, I actually got to listen to him and give him advice and reassurance, because let's be real, it's usually the other way around. Big life transitions are hard (yay growing up) and I'm a step ahead of him on this, so I'm thankful that I was able to help him for a bit tonight.

Community is so, so crucial, y'all. I can't say that enough. I spent so long doing things pretty much entirely on my own, thinking I had to take care of everything on my own, that as much as I wanted friends, I never thought they'd come and never realized what a drastic difference they would make in my life. Friendships can be so life-giving, especially at times when your soul feels empty and your bones feel dry and weak. And the fact that I have a friend who is over a thousand miles away from me now who still plays a vital role in my life, and whose life I play a big role in, as well, I think speaks volumes to what can happen when you find those quality friendships that are built to last. It's funny what happens when relationships are focused on Jesus. ;)

God bless whatever folks at Apple created FaceTime, that's all I can say. The distance feels a little less painful when you can actually see each other's faces.

In conclusion, I am a very, very lucky girl.

Nothing Like It

I don't have a lot to say tonight. I just want to get this memory recorded so I can come back later and look at it again. Because I have a feeling I'm going to need it again.

I was talking to my friend Steven after the service today. I told him that I really liked the song he did solo during the offering ("Obsession" done by many artists, David Crowder, Jesus Culture, and others).

He said thanks and then asked me what I thought of the first song of the service, "It Is Well" by Bethel Music, also a new one for the church and one I'd never heard before.

I said I loved it, that I pulled up the lyrics on my phone as soon as it was over so I didn't forget it so I could look at it later and find it on YouTube. I said I thought I'd be listening to it again and again.

He smiled and replied, "Good, I'm glad to hear that. I picked it out just for you."

He picked it out just for me. It was enough for me to hear that he'd been praying for me all week, but to hear that he thought of me enough to think that when picking out music and then decided to make it a part of the service just because he thought I needed to hear it? I don't have words for that. It means so much.

There is nothing like moments like that to remind me that I am SO VERY LOVED. That this is God showing up because it's only by His grace that I found my City Grace family, let alone as quickly as I did, and that I have this much love and support right around me in a city that can seem so huge and overwhelming and lonely.

In case you need to hear this, too, here's the song.

When tears are all you have.

I don't know what happened. I felt fine when I went to bed last night, as fine as I've felt in the past couple of months. I was looking forward to today because today was Sunday and that meant it was church day.

And then I woke up today, and as soon as my alarm went off, I felt like I was choking back tears. I could feel the lump in my throat. A huge part of me just wanted to stay in bed because the whole world just felt frightening and intimidating, but I knew I needed to go be with my City Grace family. That is my one mini break in the week, when I get to go be with them. Most of the time, I can forget everything else for a couple of hours and just get caught up in worship and praise and being with people I know love me so dearly.

Not today. Today, I couldn't even muster putting a smile on my face. I couldn't say that I was good when people asked me, because I wasn't, and I just didn't have it in me to pretend for once.

I talked to my friend Jeri before the service, and she prayed over me, and I could tell the dam was about to break because my words kept getting caught in my throat as I tried to tell her what was in my head.

In the beginning of each service, we have a time of greeting each other, and my friend Steven saw me sitting in the back by myself not getting up or talking to anyone, so he came back to give me a big hug and ask me what was up. I told him I couldn't really explain it in the few seconds we had, so I'd talk to him after the service.

And then the music started. And I could barely even sing. Usually the music is my favorite part. Today's songs were even some of my favorites that we do, and I couldn't even get the words out. I just felt so...numb, I guess. And that's terrifying.

The sermon was fine. It didn't really strike any nerve in me, because it was about why singleness is a good thing, mostly if that's what you're called to, and I'm not called to it, so I just couldn't focus on it.

What I didn't know is that today we were doing communion. When I sat down from that, I just had my head down and started tearing up. I so didn't want to start crying there, so I tried to swallow it.

During the last song, though, that was when I lost it. I looked behind me and saw one of our deacons, Keith, standing in the back, so I just got up and went and asked him to pray for me. And that was when the dam broke. I couldn't even finish what I needed to ask him to pray for when the tears started pouring. I cried straight through his prayer and the end of the song, "How He Loves"....one of my favorite songs. The most beautiful part, though, was that Keith didn't let go. He held his arm around me and I cried on his shoulder as he sang the words of the song over me. Reminding me that God loves me more than I can understand, even in the midst of this chapter that makes no sense whatsoever.

Moments like that, they are when I know that I have a church family that gets it right as much as any people can. They are so, so good to me.

I dried my tears when the service ended, and sat down with Steven to tell him what was going on. We talked for several minutes, and then he prayed for me, too. When he got up, I went outside the theater to just sit for a few minutes and try to gather my emotions, even though I still didn't know what to say.

And then I had a seizure. And I felt like I got punched in the gut all over again. Nothing makes sense. And I still don't know what to say.

Keith asked me how my prayer life was, and when I told him it was like I just didn't know what to say anymore because I'd been praying for the same things for so long with nothing changing, and you know what he said? "Sometimes crying out is enough."

Right now, that's all I've got.

Dear future me, never take this for granted.

Growing up in the church that I did with the experiences that I had with the people there, and during the months between my baptism and when I finally decided to try church out again and found Theater Church, I never could have imagined that church would become the most beautiful part of my week or that I would cherish a church community the way that I do now. And while I loved Theater Church and the people I met there, honestly, they don't even hold a candle to my City Grace family and the way they have impacted me this past year. I can't imagine life without them.

This is Leonidas, Isis, and Marcelo. These three came to New York all the way from Brazil and I'm so thankful that I've gotten to know them. It makes me so sad to know they'll be going back to Brazil this summer, but I adore them and we have memories that will stick with us. Like the City Grace retreat. And them singing me Happy Birthday in Portuguese yesterday. :) We're going to make the most of the time we have left, I know that much.

This is Ambrose. We only have really gotten to know each other recently, but since then, he has been such a great support to me. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have to accept that my friends are here for me and walking with me because they want to, because they love me, not out of pity or anything like that. Ambrose is the perfect example of that here in New York. He asked me how I was doing yesterday after the service, and that turned into a rather long conversation. I apologized for dumping so much on him all at once, and he immediately responded, "No, no, I'm glad I can be here for you to talk to." I don't know if it will ever stop blowing my mind to know that other people consider it an honor and are grateful to be able to walk with me through this difficult story I've been given.

I hope it doesn't. I hope I never get used to it. I hope I never get accustomed to people like Ambrose and the way they refuse to let me go and are constantly available to pull me out of that dark hole when I start slipping. I think one of the greatest gifts you can get in this dark, broken world is to find people who are there for you and are invested in you and your life no matter how bad things get. And I have that now in spades. After I spent so many years incapable of believing that I would find love like this one day, I hope I never get so comfortable that I take it for granted.

Stephen was taking a picture of Steven taking a picture of me and Ambrose, but he also kind of took a picture of me and Ambrose, too. I find it rather trippy.

I love praying with others.

A friend once told me that she doesn't feel moved by communal prayer. That praying with other people doesn't make her feel close to God. Which let me say right now that that is totally fine. Everyone has a unique relationship with the Lord and different things that reach their hearts. The only reason that I even mention that friend is because that is what came to mind when I sat down to write this post about how grateful I am for the opportunities I get to pray with others, especially people I love.

God rarely feels more real to me than in the moments when I am emotionally and sometimes physically connected to another person and we are going hearts wide open to the God that we both love and so desperately need.

This isn't just something I'm realizing now. I'm sure I said it several times last year in reference to time spent praying with some of my Reformation brothers (particularly Austin and Clayton) and soccer boys. It's just becoming even more evident to me now, when I'm in a place where I've had to start all over in terms of making friends I can rely on that are physically close by.

Every week, it becomes clearer to me that the people at my church are my family in every way that truly counts. One friend in particular has spontaneously offered to pray with and over me two weeks in a row now. Another texts just to check in on me. I wouldn't be able to do what I do without love like this up close.

I keep coming back to the question of "How did I ever get so lucky?!" but really, I don't need to know. Knowing why or how isn't what drives my praise and gratitude for the what is.

Highlights From Today

Thank God for iTunes and the Final Four games. Because seriously, without the first five seasons of Glee on my computer and almost five and a half hours of basketball, I'm not sure how I would've managed to avoid sleeping the whole day away. Now I only have three hours before I'm allowed to go back to sleep.

I'm. so. bored. On the upside, I learned that this floor is all "elective-admission" patients, so I really am allowed to leave when I want to. Which means that Monday morning, I will be saying peace out to this place.

A crazy little thing happened this afternoon: Pastor Ben texted and, long story short, in the middle of Easter service tomorrow, he'll be calling me and putting me on speaker and a mic so that I can share a bit of my testimony and how God has pulled me through everything. I definitely wasn't expecting that, so I'm very anxiously excited and honored that he would ask me to do this, especially during such an important service.

The highlight of my day (I know, the bar is pretty low in a hospital) was getting to talk to Austin for 30 minutes this evening. I just randomly started thinking about him and decided to call, and for once, I actually called him at a really good time. I'm just so thankful for the bond that we have and the way that we can trust each other with things, especially things we're not ready to tell many other people quite yet. And it meant so much to get to pray over him and everything that he's got coming. I really miss him, and it makes me smile when I hear him tell me he loves me, because I really, really in every part of me know he means it.

Tomorrow, Ashley is bringing me a "sorry you're in the hospital" Easter basket after church, and best of all, I GET TO SEE MY MAMA!!!!

Though I have to admit, I'm also really looking forward to the chocolate.

When you know you belong.

Because I'm so incredibly type A, I'm a tad bit on the obsessive side when it comes to punctuality. I say that like you didn't already know.

Anyway, so I show up to church about half an hour early every week, because then I don't have to worry, and plus I'm there to talk to people before the service starts.

Well, you know what the very first thing I heard when I got in the room today was, after a hello? It was from my friend Kimarley, "The worship team prayed for you this morning."

That, my friends, that was when I knew. I knew that as big and overwhelming as this city can be, and as out of place as I often feel in my life, I knew that I had somewhere to belong.

And sometimes, that's all you need.

Worth It

Oh man.

I didn't fall asleep until about 5 am this morning because after talking to Kimarley so long and then taking a shower, my body was in so much pain I couldn't fall asleep. So, um, getting up at 8 for breakfast was ROUGH. I know I had a total zombie look on my face while sitting at my table.

Session 4's worship seemed to liven me up a bit. Music tends to do that in general. Session 4 was just a long session of worship and communion and prayer together, no Scripture readings, and it was as lovely as you would imagine. Ashley and I stood at the back to pray with anyone who needed it during and after Communion, but no one needed it, so we ended up sharing and praying over each other. Which turned out to be really good for the both of us. Like I said, new connections made.

Then we had to pack up and leave. We were supposed to leave at 11, but once again, the bus was late and didn't show up until 11:20, so we left about 10 minutes after that. A lot of people slept on the way back because we were all beat, but I spent the whole time talking to Kimarley, Sean, Betty, and Sumit.

Funny thing about when we finally got back to the city was that the bus pulled up and dropped us off right in front of one of NYC's Brother Jimmy's restaurants (the ones named for NC State basketball coach Jim Valvano). So I knew I wanted to eat lunch, but then I opened the door and Ashley and her husband Didrik were already waiting for a table. Ashley and I had mentioned this morning that we'd love to talk sometime so I could share my testimony with her, so we all had lunch and I did just that. (And then they refused to let me pay for my meal.) Since we were a ways away from a subway station so I would have had to take a cab home and then another all the way to Midtown for work, I decided I would just go straight to work from there. Which worked out perfectly because we got so caught up in conversation that when I left there, I barely had time to make it to work through the traffic and change before my shift started at 4.

Work is always tedious, and this one was a pain because one of the only three other people on the closing shift with me (besides the manager) didn't call and didn't show up so we were terribly hectic from being understaffed, but this one was a bit different since two hours into it I began getting delirious from being overtired. So for the next six hours, I began getting weirder and weirder. I had my coworker Jackie rolling with laughter as the night slowed down because she thought I was crazy. Which I was. Doing a 16-hour day on 3 hours of sleep is not for the normal.

But the experiences I had this weekend? They were 100% worth the exhaustion.

And hey, I was free entertainment for 1000 customers.

Thank God for community.

I had a lot of bad dreams this weekend about anxiety over the upcoming Cushing's/tumor stuff. But I don't want to talk about that. Here's what was awesome about Saturday.

Great worship.
New connections: Kimarley, Sean, Steve, Ashley, and more.
Lots of laughter.
Games.
Adventures.
Lessons.
People praying over me.
Group prayer.
Openness.
Adventures.
Hugs. So many hugs. This hugger's heart could not have been happier.
Freedom to cry. Sean showing up and holding me in his arms even when I didn't know anyone saw me crying. What a sweet picture of Jesus.
So many opportunities to share my testimony.
Late nights.
Long conversations.
S'mores in the snow.
Karaoke. (I may or may not have sung Uptown Funk.)
The overwhelming feeling of love in the room.
PS: Wolfpack knocked a #1 seed out of the NCAA and is going to the Sweet 16. You know Mom called me. ;)

I'll be honest. As amazing as my church is, sometimes in the past I have felt like everyone had their own group and I didn't really have one (how normal, right?). Not anymore. These people rallied around me in many different ways. They are my family, no question. I belong. There's rest in that.

God made Himself so known and present at this retreat. At the first session, Dana asked us to think about what in our lives felt like a battle, and what we hoped to hear from God this weekend, and I just wanted peace and to know He was there. By Sunday, I was confident of His presence because of the love shared with my church family.

There's no other word to describe today except gratitude. I am grateful for every second of today and every person that was there. The body of Christ is such a beautiful thing when it's working as one.

Blogger deleted this entire post and I am too tired to rewrite everything, but this says enough. God is good. My church family is beyond amazing. And I am loved more than I can even wrap my head around.

Steve and Sean

Isis (yes, an unfortunate name given the current state of the world)

Kimarley. Kim hugs are the best! And luckily for me, he will hug me anytime I want.

I'm not the murderer!

This was the start of a great few days that I've been looking forward to for a while now.

First I worked 9-5, which was fine, I guess. Just boring as all get out, per usual, and not so fun saying goodbye to some people I was seeing for the last time. After I clocked out, I hung out and relaxed for a bit and ate dinner because the bus was leaving from a really weird spot at 7 pm, and I didn't want to go home and then have to turn around and leave. People off the clock are in there a lot so no one cared.

I probably should be better about checking the weather every day, because I completely missed the news that it was supposed to snow today until I called Mommom this morning for her birthday and she asked "has it started snowing yet?" By the time I left for the bus at 6:30 it was POURING snow. So imagine everyone's great joy when the bus showed up at like 7:10 when we were told it would be there at 6:45.

Oh I should probably mention where I was going. This weekend was City Grace's church retreat weekend, so we were headed to this center up in the Poconos in Pennsylvania. There, just so no one is confused.

The bus ride there was fine. It only took a little over two hours with the snow. The group decided to play some weird Anime movie on the bus system, so I put in my earbuds and listened to music. I wanted to sleep, but the bus was too lurchy. Yes, I know that's not a real word. Go with it.

When we got there, everyone checked in and got our room keys and breathed for a few minutes before we had an icebreaker thing. We played two games - one was this dancing thing where we were in four teams and we all had to do the same motion at the same time and then call out another group. No hesitating, no mess ups, no repeating moves, or we were eliminated. My team won, which was cool. It was mostly just hilarious seeing the weird moves teams came up with.

Then we played a game called Wink Murder, which is apparently like some game called Mafia. Justin, who was overseeing everything, tapped three people on the shoulder while everyone had their eyes closed, and they became the murderers. Everyone had to go around greeting each other over and over and if a murderer winked at you, you had to wait ten seconds and then drop dead. You could accuse someone, but someone had to second it, and then if they were a murderer, they were dead, and if you were wrong, you were dead. I was the first person accused, and like thirty seconds in! Do I really look that suspicious?!  Too bad for Sean, the guy that accused me, I wasn't a murderer. We were all getting really into it, too, so much so that everyone was still afraid of me even after the group knew I wasn't one of the murderers. The funniest part is that I shook the hands of all three of the murderers but none of them winked at me.

After that, we were free to do whatever we wanted. I taught Jenga to Isis and Marcelo, my two Brazilian friends, and then played Taboo for a while until everyone got tired. Then I just took a shower and went to bed.

I'm so happy tonight.

For three reasons.

There's this.

My reaction to that major comeback and buzzer beater win from @packmensbball! Onward! #SurviveAndAdvance

A video posted by Mallory Jones (@_callmemal) on Mar 19, 2015 at 8:42pm PDT

Heavens to Betsy, Wolfpack. Please, please, PLEASE, when you play #1 Villanova on Saturday, do not wait until the last 20% of the game to remember how to play basketball!

We won 66-65 after coming back from a 16-point deficit at the start of the second half with 0.1 on the clock by a basket from the guy who is normally our star defender and not known for making shots.

I hate to sound like a cliché white girl but I can't even right now. I spent like 10 solid minutes on the phone with Mom afterward going "Oh my gosh" repeatedly.

Of course, then I had to deal with all the haters going "Why is NC State celebrating like that? They barely won!" Hello! We're celebrating like that BECAUSE we barely won! Going from a 16-point deficit to winning at the buzzer feels freaking amazing! I think this is what Jimmy V would say to those people.

Mom said this game felt like the Heart Attack Pack of Mr. Valvano and 1983. I screamed very loudly when that shot went in. Thankfully, the country knows it's March Madness so the neighbors didn't call 911.

And then there's this: I got to talk to my love, Jay (from England) on Skype for over an hour tonight. It's been way too long since we've had a decent chat, and I've missed him so much. Just getting to hear his voice made me beam with happiness. Thank God for technology.

And finally, there's this: Tomorrow after work, I get to leave for the church retreat. I'll be at a center in the heart of the Poconos until Sunday afternoon, and then I'm not sure yet if I work Sunday night. There's very little cell reception, but there is Wifi, but I'm not even taking my computer, just my phone. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me this weekend, and for my church family.

Okay, off to bed. 6:30 will come very quickly.

I'm also very thankful I decided to take Benadryl around 10:15 tonight because otherwise, I would be way too wound up to sleep.

GO PACK!