I've been feeling pretty weighed down for some reason, so instead of talking to people or letting myself get too caught up in my own thoughts, I decided to get on YouTube and distract myself. I watched these two videos several times before I decided to check out the other videos on the channel. Little did I know that Jon (the guy in the videos) and his group The Anima Series released a video tonight that was so perfect for this valley I'm in and the sometimes overwhelming fear that I get that my life is always going to be full of this physical pain. I've watched it over and over and over.
"The Wall: A Hopeless Situation"
The words (all credit goes to Jon Jorgenson):
The wall at Jericho was an impenetrable force to any army that was trying to overtake the city. Before even dealing with the wall, the attacking troops would have to navigate their way across a 27 foot wide, 9 foot deep pit that lined the outer edges of the city. Then, there was the wall itself, a 17 foot high, 5 foot thick pure mass of solid stone. If the attacking army managed to get this far without being shot down by archers, all that was left was to defeat the well-trained Canaanite army that was waiting within.
This was the reality for a young leader named Joshua and his ragtag Israelite army. These Israelites who had seen an entire generation live and die while wandering through the desert were tired, hungry, and facing what seemed like an impossible task, a hopeless situation. Now, I haven't lived very long, but I've lived long enough to know this: that running into walls is a part of life, and the bigger the wall, the more hopeless the situation can seem. The large walls of sickness, loss, divorce, addiction, they pop up all around us, and they seem impenetrable. And just like the wall at Jericho, these walls rarely stand alone. The walls of our lives are often accompanied by a deep pit of pain, suffering, and despair, and all the while, an army of hopelessness attacks us on every side. The question is asked all the time, if God loves us so much and is so powerful, then how could he allow these walls to pop up around me? Now, I don't pretend to have the answer to any of those questions, nor do I pretend to understand just how deep or dark your suffering has been. I simply wanna suggest that maybe God does his best work from seemingly hopeless situations.
When I read the Bible, I read about people and characters, all who faced seemingly hopeless situations. In fact, I cannot find a single person who walked faithfully with God without first facing a hopeless situation. Adam and Eve ruined Paradise by inviting sin and death into a perfect world - a hopeless case. Joseph was betrayed by his brothers for his pride and put in prison - a hopeless case. Moses was cornered on the banks of the Red Sea with the most powerful army in the world breathing down his neck - a hopeless case. Gideon was 300 against 300,000. David stood across the valley from a blood-thirsty giant. Esther was a woman trying to gain a word with a prideful king. Daniel's roommate was a lion. His friends were thrown in an oven. Jonah sucked at his job and got stuck in a whale. Peter was a coward. Paul was imprisoned. The 5,000 had no food. Lazarus was dead. Timothy was too young. Abraham was too old. The youngest son was too stupid. The walls of Jericho were too strong. And Jesus was humiliated, hung on a cross, and buried in a tomb, burying all hopes of the revolution that was hoped for for thousands of years.
Now everybody was ready to close the book on these stories, the end, game over. But if there's one thing we learn from the Scriptures, it's that we can never place a period where God has placed a comma, because when all other options have been worn out, when circumstances couldn't get worse, when everything else has failed, get ready, because THAT is EXACTLY where God shows up. Because Joseph became second in command. The Red Sea parted. Gideon won without lifting a weapon. Goliath's head was on a plate. Esther spoke and the king listened. Daniel tamed the lion. The oven felt like room temperature. Nineveh repented. Peter became the rock. Paul rejoiced. Twelve basket-fulls were left over. Lazarus was just kidding. Timothy built a church. Abraham built a family. The youngest son came home to a party. The walls of Jericho came a-tumblin' down! And Jesus Christ pulled off the resurrection, defeating sin and death and the creation that had been marred so many years ago was now restored for ALL TIME!
With God, what seems like a hopeless situation is not only possible, it's favorable, because only God can turn a mess into a message. Only God can turn a trial into a triumph, a test into a testimony, and a victim into a victory. His power is made perfect in weakness, so let us rejoice in our trials and hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, because He who promised is faithful, was faithful, and will always be faithful, no matter how hopeless the situation.
Yep, I cried.
Now I haven't lived very long, but I've lived long enough to know this: that running into walls is a part of life, and the bigger the wall, the more hopeless the situation can seem. The large walls of sickness, loss, divorce, addiction, they pop up all around us, and they seem impenetrable. And just like the wall at Jericho, these walls rarely stand alone. The walls of our lives are often accompanied by a deep pit of pain, suffering, and despair, and all the while, an army of hopelessness attacks us on every side. The question is asked all the time, if God loves us so much and is so powerful, then how could he allow these walls to pop up around me? Now, I don't pretend to have the answer to any of those questions, nor do I pretend to understand just how deep or dark your suffering has been. I simply wanna suggest that maybe God does his best work from seemingly hopeless situations.
These months of increasingly severe and constant pain have been filled with hopeless moments, but none more so than when I sat in that office at Duke for my initial meeting with my headache specialist, and he told me that he didn't think the Botox would work but we'd do it anyway, and if it didn't work, then he couldn't help me. Despite what my neurologist said yesterday about there being a chance the second or third treatment would work, part of me is still a bit terrified that it's not going to work and I'm going to be out of medical situations. I really don't want to face that day, when one of the best headache doctors in the country tells me there's nothing else to be done to help me. There are days when this pain is so debilitating that I can't imagine a day when my life isn't filled with this pain and reminders of it. But this isn't the first seemingly hopeless situation I've faced in my life, and I'd be willing to bet it's not going to be my last. I've seen God working through the trials I've faced before, just as I feel Him working now.
When I read the Bible, I read about people and characters, all who faced seemingly hopeless situations. In fact, I cannot find a single person who walked faithfully with God without first facing a hopeless situation.
Ryann, God bless her, is in Switzerland worrying about me. I knew she'd worry when I told her about what's been going on, but I also know she'd be furious if I didn't tell her and she found out later. At the end of the most recent conversation we had, I told her that all of this drama was indeed being used to draw me closer to God and strengthen my faith. I remember the text that Taylor sent me when I was in the hospital in April, saying, "...folks like me that have lived a virtually pain free life will be envious of the intimacy with the savior that you have experienced through hurting." If these months of pain have done any good, they have only served to strengthen my knowledge that GOD is the one pulling me through this, and God will be the One I credit when I get my healing. I am more sure of who He is now than I ever was before. I just have a hard time remembering that some days.
But if there's one thing we learn from the Scriptures, it's that we can never place a period where God has placed a comma, because when all other options have been worn out, when circumstances couldn't get worse, when everything else has failed, get ready, because THAT is EXACTLY where God shows up.
One of the many people that I texted after my appointment yesterday was Summer. Her response was, "God is working in your life, sister, I can feel it. You're going to be a beautiful image of what his power can do once this is all over with." And as I told her, my life is already a testament to His power and grace; this is just going to add to it. I know that if Duke decides Botox will not help me and closes my case, I better get ready. Because that is when God will come in with a healing and a story that no doctor could have ever orchestrated. And I'll be the one blessed with the honor of shouting, "LOOK! Look what God did! This is how powerful He is!"
With God, what seems like a hopeless situation is not only possible, it's favorable, because only God can turn a mess into a message. Only God can turn a trial into a triumph, a test into a testimony, and a victim into a victory. His power is made perfect in weakness, so let us rejoice in our trials and hold unswervingly to the hope we profess...
By the world's standards, I have been victimized by this life. I have been given more than my "fair share" of pain and suffering. On days when the pain feels unbearable and is just out of control, my inclination is to agree with that. But the truth is, I have received nowhere near the share of pain and suffering that I deserve because Jesus took what I deserve so that I could have what he deserved for free. It is only because of the transformation that God has done in my life and in my heart that I am one who no longer sees myself as a victim. I can't be a victim. I am a child of the living God, and the battle ended when Jesus gave up his life for me to have an eternal one! "His power is made perfect in weakness"...from 2 Corinthians 12, and the passage that Pastor Chris told me to memorize to help cope with this chapter of my story, if only for my own sanity's sake. Because I'm willing to talk about how hard this road is for me right now, I get to tell people that I'm not surviving this on my own, and I subsequently get to tell them about the God that is carrying me through! I have numerous texts and online messages, some from people I've never met and some from people I've met but never expected to be invested in my life, about how my willingness to talk has strengthened their own walk with Christ. The story is still being played out, and God is already using it for something bigger than I ever could have pulled off or dreamed up on my own.
So get ready, y'all. Don't feel sorry for me a few months from now if I'm here to tell you the Botox has ended, even if I feel sorry for myself in the moment. Because if that's how this turns out, I know that out of the hopelessness of the moment will come a victory worthy of the King of Kings. I won't be surprised in the least if this video was just one part of God's way of preparing me for what's to come.
I guess I wasn't as out of words as I thought I was. :)
Is this a possibility for you? http://my.clevelandclinic.org/headache_center/imatch.aspx
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