Long story short, I had another seizure today. But a very different story from last time. So here we go. I'll tell you what I remember, and what the guy who caught me told me.
I remember sitting in Model UN, which I have the hour before Protestant Reformation. About halfway through, my heart started pounding and racing, as if I was having an anxiety attack, except I was breathing completely normal. I didn't have any other "pre-seizure" symptoms, so I just tried to ignore it hoping it would go away. It was so weird. One second I was sitting there in class feeling totally normal, and the next I thought my heart was going to bust out of my chest.
I remember walking over to Reformation, and getting up to the third floor. I dropped my stuff off in the classroom and went to the bathroom. That was when I sort of knew something was up because I started shaking, but I got back and sat down in my chair. The last thing I remember is seeing my friend Chris walk in.
The rest of this is what Chris told me and what I gathered from listening to people. So Chris walked in. He sits right across the aisle from me, and as he walked up he asked me if I was doing okay. I didn't say anything, just shook my head no and fell out of the chair. My left arm and shoulder fell out beneath me first and Chris managed to keep my head from hitting the tile floor. He rolled me over on my back and yelled for someone to get Dr. Jonas and the paramedics. That was when I started convulsing. I woke up with Dr. Jonas leaning over me. Apparently several of my classmates helped get him down to the room, got me a wet rag, and helped get the paramedics up. Chris said the entire class jumped into action as soon as he yelled.
I remember asking Chris to get Bryce in there whenever he showed up, but I couldn't exactly think straight so it was about all I could do to get that sentence out. He immediately rushed in and did exactly what he did last time - he just sat there with me. He held my hand in both of his and rubbed it and squeezed it. When the paramedics got there, Dr. Jonas said he was going to take the class into another room (which I remember being thankful that I didn't destroy a second day of class for them), but Bryce didn't go. He moved when the paramedics had to put me on the backboard and in the neck brace, but came back when I asked the paramedics if it was okay.
They didn't think the backboard would fit in the tiny elevator, so we waited for a third guy to show up who was going to help them carry me down the stairs (poor guys!). When that third guy showed up, I told Bryce he should go to class, and he said, "No, I'm good," and just squeezed my hand. They finished basically taping me to the board and gathering information while that third guy took the stretcher back down to the back entrance and then talked over how maybe they could fit the backboard in the elevator. Which they did. Though I don't remember how exactly. I remember asking Bryce to pray before we left, and he helped them get all the stuff in the elevator.
The hospital was nice to me, as always. I had the same nurse as Friday but a different doctor. All my vitals were normal, even my blood sugar (adding a whole new "what the heck?" factor to this mess). They ran the usual CT scan and blood work and yada yada yada "everything looks good except a slight infection" so basically I have to wait until I see Stacy next week and just pray to God that this doesn't happen again. My friend Peter picked me up and we went and got me some McDonald's since I'd missed lunch and the dining hall was on their between-lunch-and-dinner break.
I'm fine now, just tired because they gave me Dilaudid and an anti-nausea med and super sore. From the way Chris and Dr. Jonas described it, it seems like I must have twisted my neck and shoulder kinda badly in the fall, so that's no surprise. Meh, it's nothing I can't handle.
Okay, let me rephrase that first sentence. I'm fine now physically. Emotionally, I'm...I don't know. Coming apart. I'm so exhausted. It was difficult enough dealing with the constant head pain, and now I have to deal with this and not knowing what is going on or if it's going to happen again and knowing the doctors at the hospital couldn't find anything. The battle is trying to make sure fear doesn't run my life. So I've spent most of the rest of the day trying to focus on the good things. The truth.
And the truth is that I know who God is. I know that the God I serve today is the same God who saved my life by bringing me back to Him in a church in Nashville. He's the same God that gave me the time of my life in DC last summer. He's the same God who has heard my every cry, held me through every scare, brought me people I never expected to be my friends who ended up loving me more than I ever expected.
That's also the truth. I am loved, to the point that I am honestly baffled by it all. And the Lord was so faithful to constantly remind me of that all day today. Messages of love sent. Psalms of comfort offered. Frustration vented when I informed the people who'd want to know that there are still no answers. Bryce telling me he loved me, too, when I told him I loved him. Peter being a total gentleman and opening all the doors for me and listening to the "reader's digest" version of my story the whole way back to campus. A hug from a classmate that I ran into in the library.
You know, it's amazing what simple physical touch can do for someone. I know I've said many times that words of affirmation is my love language, and I still believe that, but I think physical touch is probably my number 2. Bryce holding my hand, squeezing it and rubbing it every so often, paramedics and nurses touching me gently on the arm as they listened to me, hugs from friends and relative strangers. I don't know how good of a job I did at it, but I tried not to let anyone who saw me today know just how badly I've been freaking out on the inside, which I have been for a good portion of the day, but it was like every time someone touched me, I felt calmer. I felt less alone. I felt more focused on the truth and on Jesus. I felt, even for a split second, that fear wasn't going to be able to drown me because I have so many people near (and far) that will pull me back up.
Yes, I'm still frustrated, and yes, I'm still anxious wondering when God is going to give me my healing and my life won't be so complicated all the time, but until that day comes, or even if it never comes, I know that I'll be okay because my victory is already won. This isn't a battle I have to fight. The battle was over a long time ago.
"Alive" by Natalie Grant
You, is it You standing here before my eyes? Every part of my heart cries, "Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome. Death has lost and Love has won. Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, risen Lord, the only One I fall before. I am His because He is alive."
Basically, I'm scared and frustrated and don't have a clue what God's doing or why my life looks like this right now, but I know who He is. And that's enough. That is where I find my rest.
"Who You Are" by JJ Heller
You have a Father's heart, and a love that's wild...Sometimes I don't know, I don't know what You're doing, but I know who You are.
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