Today was long and hard and weird and I'm exhausted in every sense of the word, but I need to document and share with everyone how I saw God moving in two major areas today.
The first one, obviously, was my doctor's appointment. After all the times that modern medicine has failed me, or my body has failed me, I'll be honest, I was not in the best mindset going into it. I was not expecting it to turn out as well as it did. This is the text I sent to the 33 people (THIRTY-THREE! How did I get so loved?!). It sums up everything about the appointment pretty well.
The appointment was actually very encouraging. Because this just recently started happening, my doc thinks these are just breakthrough seizures because my body has gotten used to this level of my seizure med, and not hypoglycemia or any of the other possible issues the ER doctors mentioned. And I have plenty of room to go up on my seizure med, so I'll be upping the dosage from 2000 mg per day to 3000 starting tonight. She took blood to check the level of the med in my blood just to see where I am. I also found out that the Duke doc doing my Botox for my head pain should have told me that it is typical for the first Botox treatment usually does not work, and that doesn't mean the second or third treatment will not work, despite Duke's pessimism. Plus, upping my seizure med may help my head pain. So we'll see! Hope is alive! I appreciate all the prayers more than I can ever say; y'all are a big part of how God keeps me pushing forward!
So needless to say, I was feeling much better on that front when I left the office. But then I started thinking about coming home and the fight that Mom and I had last night, and I started feeling absolutely I'll about what I might be walking into. Well, in typical Mom fashion, for the first few hours, she basically pretended that nothing had happened. We watched Grey's Anatomy and Scandal together, just like we do every Thursday night that I'm home. And then she let me watch Glee that I had recorded, because it was the Cory Monteith/Finn Hudson tribute episode and I could not miss it. Amazingly, I didn't cry for the entire episode.
But I guess there's something about watching something that emotional, because not five minutes later, talk of Glee turned into talk about Holly (she and Michael broke up, it's awful) and I basically spent the next two hours sobbing. I couldn't tell you everything that we talked about even if I wanted to, it was so much and I am so tired. What matters is that I feel like my mom didn't just hear me, she actually listened. And I tried my absolute hardest to see where she was coming from. It was emotionally draining for both of us, but I think we needed it. I know that I did. One of the biggest issues is that I have always tended to bottle up my feelings about my family because of this overwhelming concern that I'm going to be another "burden" to my mom. And then it blows up and we have fights like last night. But even though she didn't really want to talk tonight, she did, and I'm so thankful for that. I think the biggest problem for us is that we are SO MUCH ALIKE. There is a lot of danger in loving someone as much as I love her when you share so many of the same qualities and are so high strung. But there is also freedom. For once, I moved past my fear of being honest with her and told her exactly how I feel. And I will admit that she had some legitimate points and I did learn things. I'm just honestly so amazed that this conversation happened at all, let alone that it went on for two hours. My mother's tendency has always been to get mad and then shut me out entiry, but I feel like she really tried to understand me for once. It was a very special kind of beautiful, the God kind. :) Only He could have made a conversation this cathartic happen with someone whose nature is to shut down.
I don't know what my health is gonna look like from here, or how my relationship with my mom and sisters is gonna look like as I continue to grow in Christ. What I do know is that I can feel Him at work in both areas and all of this is just going to add to the crazy testimony of his power that I already have.
God is at work, and for tonight, that is where I will find my rest.
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