I love Glee, and the song was perfectly placed and done superbly, so it's not too big of a surprise that this (along with the other songs from the episode) has been on repeat a lot over the past week.
"Seasons of Love" has been one of my absolute favorite songs for a long time now, but I didn't expect to need its message as desperately as I needed it tonight.
I don't want to get into the details, for one because they're not important and two because I don't want this to seem like I'm out for a public attack on this person. All that is necessary for what I want to say for this post is that a person that I love very, very much, a person whom I have always respected and looked up to, told me that I'm "fat and ugly and that's the reason no one wants to date me."
Unable to respond, I just sat here in my room and cried. Cried for how someone who is supposed to love me verbalizes my biggest fear/insecurity as some sort of truth. Cried for fear that they were right. Cried for the loneliness. My head knew those words weren't true, but because I love this person so much, it was very difficult for my heart to forget it. Knowing myself well enough, I knew I needed not to get caught up in my own head or my own thoughts, so I texted a few people that I knew would care what had happened. One of them, I'm not sure why I thought to text, but I'm certainly glad I did because his response was a gift.
The best way I know how to combat the Enemy when it feels like his lies are attacking full-force is to surround myself with words of Truth and the people who seem to make it their mission to keep me from staying down, who are always willing to pull me out of that pit of despair anytime they notice me slipping. And tonight, God showed up in a relatively small but important way in the people who responded. People who told me I have to see myself the way that God sees me. People who assured me they'd make it their mission to never let me forget that I am beautiful, and wanted, and loved by so many people, even if they don't share my DNA. Girls who shared their own self-image insecurities. Guys who told me they loved me and cared for me and that anyone who could honestly say the same wouldn't give a crap about what I looked like. Love poured out in droves in a time when I desperately needed it, unable to be ignored for the words of the Enemy.
One message stuck out to me in particular, though: "But you need to remember that you, of all people, aren't defined by your looks or your weight or whatever. You would still be you if you were the size of a house or a tooth pick."
That was what made me think of "Seasons of Love" and how at the end of the song, the words "remember the love" are repeated. When I die, after however many years I am blessed with on this earth, even if I do get skinny and meet society's standards of "pretty" one day, I want the people at my funeral to remember me for how deeply I loved, for the attention that I paid to people whose paths I crossed, not the attention I paid to my looks and the things about my body that I wished I could change.
I want my life to be remembered by my heart for people, by my constant willingness to be a person my loved ones could rely on for support, by my never-ending desire to know people past their outer facades deep down to their hearts - scars and all.
I want people to remember me for my love for Jesus and how much I tried to love them as He does.
Whether there's a husband or not in my future, I know that I am surrounded by people who love me for everything that I am, and I have faith that that fact will not change, even if the people do. Just as I want people to remember me for my love for Jesus and for them, I need to remember so clearly the love that surrounds me in so many forms every second of every day that those voices drown out the lies that try to chip away at my soul.
Love wins. Jesus wins. And for however many days I have left, my heart's desire is to love with everything that I am. The people who love me, when they look at me, I know that that is what they see. Not my size, not my hair, not my body, or any other physical aspect that will turn to dust eventually. They see my heart, and I don't have the words to explain how grateful I am for that.
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