I woke up wide awake at 4:30 this morning and didn't exactly go to sleep at a reasonable hour last night, so one would think that I wouldn't be in a fantastic mood tonight, but I am. Simply because I have had people go out of their way to make my day better, and it was beautiful for all of us.
It started out that I got word that, provided I stay seizure-free until tomorrow, I am allowed to go to Raleigh and see The Vespers tomorrow, which I am BEYOND stoked about. Summer and I get to have a girls' night, and I get to be reunited with 5 of my dear, dear friends. A double win.
Just after that came a message from Jayshawn asking if I wanted to have lunch after he got out of Reformation, and I said of course, because hello. People. I kept trying to focus on all the reading I have to do for the rest of the morning, but focus isn't exactly my forte right now. I sent a message out on Twitter that jokingly said, "Dear [Reformation] kids, enjoy your last Mal-free week. You can't get rid of me that easy. ;) I'll be back!" And I ended up having a bit of a conversation with one of the brothers, Austin, that I haven't gotten to know yet, and invited him over to come visit me, which we set up for tonight.
Then, I met Jayshawn for lunch at noon, and we came back to my lobby and just sat and talked until he had to go to his next class. We talked about...everything. For some reason, I feel this need to keep the details private, a feeling of protection I don't get too often, but we talked about my past, the way we see people, our class, the people in it, God and the Gospel, more than one would think was possible for such a short amount of time. He explained to me why the class sees me as such a blessing despite the fact that the past month has been so full of them giving and giving and giving to me so selflessly, and it actually made sense. He said I'm a blessing simply because I've given them...me. I got it, even if it's hard for me to wrap my head around it. There's something about his joy and his perspective that just brightens everything when I'm around him.
After he left, I came back and did some reading, and then I took a nap because it was time for my afternoon seizure med, and that knocks me out anyway, plus...FOUR THIRTY. It finally kicked in.
I got woken up minutes before my alarm was due to go off (don't you hate it when that happens?!) due to a phone call that I'd really rather not get into because it's just...aggravating. I texted a few people about the ridiculousness of it all, and I was reminded once again of the hearts of those that surround me. None of us are going to get it right all the time, but we are loving each other the best that we can.
Then I really woke myself up and talked to Paige for a second and nailed down plans with Summer for tomorrow, and waited for the text from Austin. He showed up about 6:25 and we just went into my room and talked. I told him my story, which always brings me this weird combination of joy and vulnerability, because talking about what God has done in my life and how I know what He can do for anyone is always an incredible feeling, but in order to really authentically do that, I have to share a LOT of myself. I love it, because I love people and getting to know them and connecting with them, but it's always scary being that open because you don't know how people are going to react. You know?
Austin was great, though. Even though this was the first real conversation we've had, it felt like I was talking to an old friend, and he could not have been any sweeter. He actually has some personal experience with seizures with some of his loved ones, so I didn't have to explain as much of the medical stuff to him, and he said he'd actually been really wanting to talk to me because of that. I sat and told him, well, my life story. I didn't really get emotional until I got to the point when I met The Vespers and how everything started changing after that, and then the baptism, and how radically my life has changed since then as I realized more and more that God is using my life to reach people. And he told me his idea of why the class sees me as a blessing despite everything that's been going on...because I've let them help me, because by being in need of someone's help right in front of their faces I gave them the opportunity to examine what their hearts are really like and what their instinctive responses are. He told me that a friend of his asked him if anyone resented me for what had been going on, which is something I'd honestly worried about in the past, and he said no, that they just wanted to help and were concerned for my well-being.
By the time he left, I was honestly on the verge of tears. It's humbling enough to see the love that they have for me after such a short time of knowing each other, to know that I'm a part of them now, but they're not the only ones. There are friends I've known for much longer who have shown up for me time and time again no matter what time I needed them or what it was about, to encourage me and uplift me and remind me that I am always being prayed for. And the state of my relationship with my blood family, particularly with my mom, is about as shaky as it's ever been, so the fact that I have these incredible friends of mine that I can call family is, I think, more of a blessing now than ever before.
It sucks that I don't have the relationship with my mom that I wish I did, but I think I've reached a place of acceptance about it. Do I wish it was different? Yes, absolutely. But at least, until it changes, or even if it never does, I am blessed to have my Reformation brothers, and so many other friends that love me like a sister, people that have proven they will do anything to help me and know that I will do the same for them at the drop of a hat. I still have my family; it just looks a little bit different than everyone else's. And I'm finally at peace with that. The love is still as deep, if not deeper, than if we were blood related. After all, DNA doesn't make a family.
Speaking of family, I get to see 5 more of them tomorrow after six and a half long months. I can't wait!! :D
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