Not quite sure where today went.

I woke up with a migraine

missed French

slept some more

went to lunch

dragged myself to Economics

then came back

and I have no idea where the past five and a half hours went because I can't remember anything I've done in that time except eat tuna for dinner because Shouse is closed for maintenance which really sucks because I wanted Mexican for dinner.

I'm going to try to force myself to finish this reading for French Lit I need to do, but that may or may not happen because this referred pain sucks really bad so all I basically want to do right now is sleep because sleep is the only time I forget how bad it hurts.

And apparently, I'm the queen of run-on sentences today.

Ugh, I should get this done so I can go to bed at a reasonable time.

Here's to hoping for less pain tomorrow.

My life's motto? Maybe.

Or something like that, anyway.

As Ryann and I were leaving French this morning, she asked me where I was off to.  I told her I had a Psychology test at 10, so I was going to review before it.  I said, "That should be interesting since I slept like crap last night."  She asked me why and I told her it was because my head hurt and I've been having referred pain in my shoulder from my lungs.  I then had to explain to her what pleurisy is (inflammation of the lining of your lungs, in case you don't know) and she sighed and said, "Geez, Mal.  I don't know how you do it."  I then responded with something I've found myself saying a LOT over the past few years.

"You don't know what you can do until you have to."

And really, it's so true.  Ryann agreed with me.  Everyone has times in their life where they somehow manage to power through stuff even though they have NO idea how they found the energy and strength to keep from collapsing.  They keep going even when they know everyone would totally understand if they quit. 

I don't manage to stay in school because I'm superhuman, or special.  I do what I do because, in my mind, I don't have any other choice.  My education and my plans for the future are incredibly important to me, and God knows this.  God saw when I fought through all those surgeries to come back to Campbell, so He knows what I'm willing to do.  God knows my heart better than I do; He knows my capabilities even when I'm second-guessing myself.  He, and He alone, gives me the strength to "suck it up" and go to class when my body wants to just stay in bed and cry from pain.  I'm not strong, He is.

And this doesn't just apply to me, you know.  I can guarantee you've been in my position before, albeit under different circumstances.  I think it's part of human nature to lose faith in yourself.  I frequently wish I had as much faith in me as everyone else seems to.  But that's OKAY.  I think the point when you feel like you're breaking is when you're most likely to accept that you aren't in control and that God is.

I'm not saying you should only remember to rely on God when things get tough, not at all.  What I'm saying is that remembering He's in control during the bad times will help get you back to the good times.  It's easy to think of your blessings when nothing's wrong, isn't it?  The key is to not lose sight of God in the darkness, to keep in mind that He is there with you.  I fought with this issue throughout all the brain surgeries and hospital stays.  I had a really hard time reconciling the idea that a God that loved me was also a God that would "let me go through that". (I see it differently now, but that's how my mind was seeing it then.)

And who knows - maybe the reason I had six surgeries is because He wanted me to get the lesson behind it all.  I've always been stubborn. ;)

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired, so the point I'm trying to get to is this:  If you put your trust in God and His unending love and care, He will get you through you never imagined you could do.

He's a bit of a show-off.  You know, Ephesians 3:20 and all that. ;)

My mom is a genius.

My mom decided several months ago that if I got into my DC program this summer, she was turning my room at home into a Wolfpack room for Blake.  This way he gets out of Chelsea's and there might be a better chance of keeping his stuff organized.  It doesn't in Chelsea's room because Chelsea's a slob.

Well, she just sent me pictures of the room almost entirely done.  She said all that is left is adding a few decals and a stencil of the NC State logo she's borrowing from a friend. 

Look at these pictures.  This woman is a freaking genius!  I still firmly believe she was meant to be a teacher, but I'm fairly certain she was an interior decorator in a past life.

Sorry the quality sucks.  She texted me the pictures (yay for her learning picture mail) and I don't know how to blog from my phone, so I had to email them to myself to upload them.

I, for one, LOVE IT.  I can't wait to see what it looks like in person.  Only five weeks till Spring Break.

Wolfpack Pride, baby.



Saturday Habits

Every Saturday that I am at school, it seems that two things must happen.

One, I wake up with a migraine.

Two, I watch Dateline: Real Life Mysteries marathons.

The first is a bit mindboggling since, aside from Saturdays, I basically don't have migraines anymore.

The second is just fun.  I love crime shows.  Funny, since I was so freaking paranoid for so long. 

Your typical Saturday:  headache, homework (not enough of it, see previously mentioned migraine), television, laundry, sports, sleep.

Speaking of laundry, I need to go change the loads!  And people really need to learn how to come GET their stuff once it's dry!  Our laundry room is overflowing.

Ending on a high note is always good.

So.

I have no idea why I always want to start out my blog posts with that.  It's probably because that's how I tend to start out stories that I'm telling in person.  Anyway.

Today didn't start off so great. 

I slept like crap.

It was pouring rain and I got soaked because even supposedly "jumbo size" umbrellas aren't made big enough to cover a whole person and their bookbag.  And my umbrella flipped inside out.  But only my left side and my bookbag were soaked in my 7 or 8 minute walk to French.  Which doesn't really make sense that only my left side got wet because the wind blew my umbrella totally inside out in the middle of the walk, but whatever.

I had a headache.

I couldn't get answers right in Psychology for the life of me.

I choked on food during lunch and ended up throwing up phlegm and water all over a table.

But then, I came back to my dorm.  And things got better.

First, the full performance of "Smooth Criminal" from this Tuesday's Michael Jackson episode of Glee came out.  And whoa.  Mind = blown.

And then I went and was one of the timers at the swim meet.  And Campbell won.  It was a cool experience.

And Amy drove me there and picked me up.  We had already made plans to get dinner after, but when she picked me up, she said "I'd like to treat you to dinner as a celebration of you getting your internship, if you'll let me."  I have such amazing friends.

And then we went to Zaxby's, and it was delicious.

And I got my antibiotic filled so I can hopefully start feeling better soon.

And then I came back and rewatched the Glee "Smooth Criminal" video over and over and over again, and decided to look up the Croatian cello duo that was guest-performing in it.  And I found their personal music video of the song that made them such a huge Youtube hit that they're now going on tour with Elton John.  As a mediocre violin player, I am seriously in awe of these two and their talent.  You can tell the music and the energy is flowing through every inch of their body.  WATCH IT!!



They must go through a LOT of bows.  If you look closely enough, you can see all the hairs that have snapped and are flinging around.  Crazy, huh?

My lucky day? Um, sure.

Well, on the upside, now I know why I feel like dirt.  That kind of comes with the territory when you have bronchitis and a sinus infection.

The Campbell infirmary has this policy that you have to go and get seen by a nurse, and then set up an appointment to see the PA.

Yes, $30,000+ a year and we don't even get a real doctor. 

And technically, you're supposed to call beforehand to get an appointment to see the nurse.

Well, I didn't decide to even go to the infirmary until last night when my mom insisted that I go, and then when it was backed up by Ryann getting all persistent with me this morning.  She's so hilariously sweet.  So I decided to go after I ate lunch during my break between French and Economics.  I got in there about 12:45, and saw a nurse right then.

When she was done with the simple stuff she had to do, she brought me back out to look at the appointment book.  She said the only one they had open for the rest of the day was 3:15.  I don't get out of class till 3:20.  Some other nurse behind her said, "Well, it's your lucky day.  Our 1:00 appointment isn't here yet, you can be seen now."

I never thought "lucky day" and "bronchitis and a sinus infection" could be used in the same meeting.

But hey, now I know.  Now. I. know.

Now I'm actually hoping I'm sick.

Because if not, the fact that I have this little energy on the third week of classes is a sad, sad sign.

Sorry that I have for all intents and purposes disappeared from my blog for a couple days, but I am seriously sitting here typing with my head laying on my arm because it hurts and I am exhausted.

So I am getting in bed now.  Before 9:00.  When I don't have to get up until 9:30 tomorrow.  That's how you really know something is up with me because two words - night. owl.

Bleck.

Rough Day

Mostly because I feel like crap.  Ryann actually told me I looked like death this morning, which is probably an accurate description considering I've felt like I was two seconds away from passing out all day long.

In other news, I got all of the things I had to do to officially enroll in my internship program, which is exciting.

But yeah, that's really all there is to today.  Class, sick, missed Econ (which I hate, but I didn't have much of a choice, I was scared I was going to throw up and/or pass out), stupid event I'm forced to walk all the way across campus to go to in an hour to help set up but am telling Ms. President that I'm sick and cannot stay.  And she'll just have to get over it.

And then I'm coming and climbing directly in bed because I was smart and took a shower this afternoon.

Good night.

In need of stress relief.

Because the things that are usually my stress relief (music, teen soaps on ABC Family) don't seem to be cutting it.

I love the College Democrats.  I promise, I do. 

But here's the thing.  They are wasting. my. time.

My sole job is to print and distribute flyers!  A trained monkey can do that. 

They don't ask me for my ideas. 

They meet with each other and decide things without bothering to tell me. 

And that's on top of our obsessive president who feels the need to have an officer meeting of some kind every week on top of regular full-group meetings and events.  We had a meeting tonight and have two events this week, one of which was organized by the College Republicans but for some reason we're required to attend?

And then they tell me I'm supposed to raise $1500 in the next three months for Relay for Life.  I don't go home.  I don't have a car to drive around and ask people.  Does this matter to them?  No, because they all have cars and go home whenever they please.

And there's no talking to these people because the last time I tried that, they were so condescending they stopped just short of patting me on the head and telling me to be a good little girl.  If this doesn't change reaaal quick, I'm talking to Dr. Mero.  I have way more important things and people I can focus on who will actually treat me with some respect.

On an unrelated note, I went and filled out the enrollment form for the internship tonight and then found out that I was supposed to mail in a "payment voucher" with my deposit check this morning.  A voucher I didn't know existed until I finished the enrollment form.  Oops?  That means I get to go back to the post office tomorrow, most likely, which is funny since I've been there every day (except this weekend) for the past week.

Deep breaths.  Tomorrow is a new day.  There will be new people.

Lord, I pray that I wake up in a better mood.  And also, if I could wake up without this sinus headache, that would be just super.

Well, this is weird.

It's 8:50 on a Sunday night, and I'm actually done with all of my homework.  In fact, I finished about 35 minutes ago.

And I showered, shaved, plucked my eyebrows, watched the 2nd half of the State basketball game (because I didn't remember it was on until then, and as a side note, I pretty much want to marry Scott Wood - hasn't missed a free throw all season! 56 free throws in a row! ACC record!) and did my dishes.

I don't know if this has ever happened before.

I'm excited for tomorrow.  Ryann was on a ski trip all weekend, so I'm not sure if she got my text about the internship on Friday, and if she didn't I know she's going to completely freak out.  Plus, I actually understood the reading I had to do for French Lit, which was also a new experience.  Plus, I get to go to Water Aerobics tomorrow.

Mom let Chelsea back in.  Not surprised.

I'm not sure why I bother blogging this random dull nonsense.  It's not like twenty years from now I'm going to wonder what I did on a random Sunday in January 2012, but hey, it's fun.  And a habit.

And yes, in case you were curious, I'm still on Cloud Nine about DC.  Add that to the list of reasons I am excited about tomorrow - I get to go mail off the deposit check. :)

Also, I got 108 points on one four-letter word in Words With Friends.  It was awesome.  Who knew "prez" was a real word?

Yawn.

I think I'm going to bed early.  Might as well.  I have nothing better to do, and 6:30 is early.

Go orange!

Today was fun.

Two basketball games, both of which we won - girls 70-56, boys 80-73. 

Hospitality suite with good food and nice people and comfy chairs.

Got to hang out with my uncle.

Met an administration guy who told me the French ambassador to the US is coming to Raleigh on February 29.

And got my deposit check from Uncle Ed for the internship so I can mail it off Monday. Holy cow it's actually happening!

Then I've done homework and laundry.

Tomorrow is more homework.

A typical weekend, but a good one nonetheless.

Plus, I got a new Facebook profile picture.

Yay Gaylord!

A Letter

I received a link to this today.

See it?  It might be a tad too tiny.

You can click on it to make it larger, but I'll just make it simpler for you and zoom in...

I got it. I got an internship. I got a scholarship to my internship.

I am spending June 10th to August 4th in DC this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The second I finished speed-reading the letter, I bolted out the door and called Mom.  Luckily there are no classes today because they're still doing re-tests of the first semester exams, so she had her phone on.  I then proceeded to call every important person in my contact list. :D  And then I bolted to go tell my advisor.  He is so awesome.  He said he would have been shocked had I NOT gotten in.

Today is so awesome.  This week is awesome.  MY LIFE is awesome.  I am so incredibly blessed!!!

Do me a favor and pray that I can get all of the money taken care of.  The cost of the program is $6995, so while the scholarship plus the 5% discount is great, it still leaves a lot to cover.  Dr. Thornton is contacting the head of the department to see if they have any money they can give me, so if they do, that will help some.  I'm calling Uncle Ed back later because he didn't answer earlier, and I'm really praying he'll help.  I think he will, but you can never be sure.  Plus I have $1000 from my grandfather (dad's dad) that he's been holding waiting for me to contact him, so that can be used for spending money.

Update: Just talked to Uncle Ed. After I find out how much Campbell is willing to give me, he said he'll pay the rest. God is so good to have blessed me with an angel like this man.

Honestly, I'm still kind of in shock.  I can't believe this is really happening!!  :) :) :)

Why can't every day be this awesome?

Do you know what's one of the best feelings in the world?  Holding in your hands the product of weeks of prayer for some of your dearest friends, and knowing that their hard work has come to fruition, and being so excited you can hardly stand it when you think about what the future is going to bring for them.  It really is surreal.

All of that and so much more was racing through my head when I went to the post office today and pulled out this.

I promptly called Bruno and left him a message telling him just how proud of them all I am and how excited I am to finally have it in my hands.  He played it for the others, and Taylor tweeted me later and told me my message was "as sincere and genuine as he's ever heard" and he knows I meant every word of it. 

Plus, the thing is just gorgeous!  They did a fantastic job of designing the case.

And seriously, aren't these kids, like, so freaking pretty?  Seriously.

Part two of why this day is awesome: My phone interview for my internship with the Institute that I applied to (Economics and International Affairs).  I think it went really well!  The lady on the phone, Haley, was really nice.  It only lasted about ten minutes, and I think I did a fair job at not letting on how jumpy with anxiety and nerves I was.  She said that Dr. Thornton had great things to say in his recommendation letter, and they take his words very seriously.  Best of all, though?  This is the last step in the application process.  I was her last phone interview of the week.  Decisions will be online this weekend.  Ahhhh!!!!! :D  (This is the best part because, to me, waiting is worse than the possibility of rejection.)

Needless to say, I am having a fantastic day. 

Yay.

Ribbit!

You're wondering what that title is about, aren't you?

I had my first Water Aerobics class today.  It was SO much fun.  I think it's going to be really good for me.  Right now, I'm really sore, but I guess that's to be expected when I had about 4 straight years where I was unable to exercise.  I think they call this the good kind of pain?

I love the guy who teaches it.  He's a lot of fun and very nice and understanding.  I told him all about my various disabilities (like the steel in my back that prevents me from doing a lot of the stretching exercises and such).  Throughout the entire class he gave me alternate exercises if we were doing something he thought I couldn't do, and he asked me about twelve times if I was doing okay.  He diesn't take anything too seriously.

He was cracking jokes the entire period.  Exhibit A?  When we had to do "frog jumps" (jumping, pulling your knees up to your chest, and pushing your hands down in the water) he told us we were required to yell "ribbit."  And when pretty much the entire class was hesitant, he screamed, "I can't HEAR YOU!"  It was hilarious.

The rest of my classes weren't very exciting.  Wednesdays are going to kick my butt this semester.  My first class starts at 8:00, and my last class doesn't end until 5:20.  Of course, I have lots of breaks, but those breaks are filled with lots of other random tasks I have to complete.  I'm grateful, though, that only one day out of the week is that crazy.  The other four are actually pretty easy.

I decided not to do the debate.  It's just a lot of extra time that I'm not sure I can commit to, and I don't want to let my club down.  It feels good, so my gut is telling me that's the right thing to do.

And the most exciting news of the day...when I got back to my room after Algebra and dinner, I checked my emails.  I got to my Campbell email, and I found one from the DC internship group that I am STILL waiting to hear back from as to whether or not I've been accepted.  They want to have a phone interview with me either tomorrow or Friday!  Because I didn't see the email until after the workday ended, I don't know yet when the interview will be because the time the lady who sent the email suggested is when I have class.  So we'll see.  I told her when I'm free tomorrow and Friday.  I'm so excited!!!  I mean, this has to be a good sign, right?!  I hope it is!  Ahhh!!  I'll keep you posted.  But cross your fingers!

I have to finish watching Revenge, and then I have to write a French composition that I didn't remember that I had to do until about an hour ago.  And then, I'm going to bed because 6:30? That was a looooong time ago.

Decisions, decisions.

The officers of the College Democrats had a meeting tonight.  The whole Leadership Council got restaffed at the end of last semester because all but one of the officers graduated, and we have to figure how to get our club really running and making a difference on campus because until this school year, this club was, for all intents and purposes, non-existent.

A big topic of discussion tonight was this debate that the Campbell Times, the school newspaper, wants to host in March between the College Republicans and the College Democrats.  A guy from the newspaper who is a member of our club and will be one of the two moderators of the debate came to answer any of our questions.  The meeting started off with basically all of the officers thinking that this debate is a bad idea and that we aren't going to do it, but this newspaper guy, Louis, convinced most of us.  So I think we are doing it.  Louis says that in order to be really prepared in "the art of debating," we need to have 2-hour practices twice a week.  Everyone wants me to do it, but I honestly don't know if I can commit to that much time.  That's a lot on top of all the meetings our president wants us to have, basically a meeting every week, plus club events, plus classes.

I'm a bit of a people-pleaser, I will admit, but I also don't want to commit to this and then show up at the debate unprepared and damage the reputation of my club.  I think I need to think on it for a day, sleep on it, and not make any rash decisions just because I'm feeling stressed and pressured right now.  I also have to take care of me and what I need and want, something I'm finally getting better at. 

Lord, give me wisdom.

No package today.  Bruno said it will be here "maybe tomorrow" and I hope he's right.  Patience is not one of my strong suits. ;)  Hopefully I can get my new friend Chelsea to drive me by the post office after Water Aerobics.  I'm gonna have a crazy day tomorrow, 8:00 to 5:20.  Yikes.  French Lit 8:00-8:50, Psychology 10:00-10:50, Water Aerobics 1:00-1:50, and College Algebra 4:00-5:20.  Luckily Wednesday is my only day that is this packed and long.  And that reminds me, I need to print off the notes for Algebra.  See, blogging reminds me of stuff! 

Yawn.  Good night, people.

  

Simultaneous Opposing Feelings

Mom kicked Chelsea out Friday night.  Shane broke up with her either Saturday or Sunday.  Thankfully, Mom still has Blake, but I'm not sure how long that's gonna last because I'm frankly surprised Chelsea left him in the first place.  Basically, all hell has broken loose...again.

I'm really glad I'm not there in the middle of it.

I also really wish I was there to help Mom because even via text message I can tell she's pushed to her limit.

Funny how emotions can work like that.

Today has also gone by SUPER slow. 

I'm waiting on my Vespers package.  It probably would've come in today were it not a holiday. Hopefully it'll come in tomorrow.  Other people got their packages pretty quickly, so hopefully.

I'm simply exhausted.  I have nothing more to say.

Here's to praying for a better tomorrow.

This is why I'm grateful.

I was watching an "Untold Stories of the ER" marathon this afternoon. 

Some of the stories were just gross (see: homeless man with foot covered in maggots), some of them were heartwrenching (see: woman doesn't realize she's been shot in head twice because she's so upset about her killed friend), some were hilarious (see: drunk guy didn't want to pay hospital bills so he covered his broken ankle in cement and closed a wound with copper wire, then ended up at the hospital four days later anyway), and some were just downright creepy (see: man with four pound steel hook THROUGH HIS FACE).

Call me a masochist if you must, but as nervewracking as every episode was, and despite the fact that every story seemed to get worse and worse, I couldn't stop watching.

And at the end of the last episode, I knew exactly why.

There was a story of a ten-year-old boy who got hit in the head by a golf ball from about 150 yards away, and his mom took him to the hospital thinking he probably had a concussion.  He was really lethargic and had weakness in his right arm and leg, so the doctor rushed him to CT, assuming he had bleeding between the skull and the spine.  He actually had bleeding inside his brain that had formed into a decent sized blood clot.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is that at the end of the show, there was a clip of this boy in therapy trying to work to regain the ability to use his right arm and leg again.  He had a severe limp, he just drug his leg along behind him, and his arm was constantly held to his stomach. 

And my heart just broke.  I couldn't help but think, "That could've been me."

I had a blood clot, too, and for some reason, I came out on the other side of it all without a single problem. 

I survived the pressure in my skull rising dangerously close to fatal levels without an ounce of brain damage.

I survived staph meningitis, an infection that comes with a 25-30% mortality rate.

I survived a MRSA infection that was so severe I was 48 hours from septic shock when I arrived at the hospital.

Isn't that crazy?!?!

Have I had a lot of medical problems?  Yes.  But God has graced me with a body that knows how to recuperate faster than any doctor ever expects it to.  He has brought me through trial after trial basically scot-free when there are people out there who get the same problems I have dealt with and either live with damages of those problems for the rest of their lives, or worse - they die.

God has saved me.  I have beaten the odds half a dozen times (or more?), and I have a normal life now.  My Psychology teacher assigned us to do a write-up on ourselves and include something "she couldn't tell by looking at us".  My "thing" was that I have had 19 surgeries.  You would have NO idea by looking at me what I have been through because God has carried me to safety using the skilled hands of some incredibly special doctors.

How can I be ANYTHING but grateful?!  Grateful for my life, grateful for the unfathomable love that God has showered upon me every single day, grateful for the fact that I am a living miracle.

People have asked me how I'm not bitter.  People mentioned that when I spoke at church on the 4th.  People have asked me why I'm so postive about everything when I have every right to be angry.

This is why: 

I am alive.  God has saved me.  I have no other choice but to be happy and grateful.

It's that simple.

My room smells like clams.

No, that's not a typo.

Clams.

And it's all because I'm an idiot.

Shocker, I know. ;)

I wanted soup for dinner.  I had clam chowder.  I put said clam chowder in the microwave.  I turned on microwave for the time thata clam chowder bowl said to turn it on for.

And then I didn't take out the bowl when I heard something popping.

Because I'm an idiot.

You know what's really not fun? Trying to clean clam chowder out of your microwave.  Also, trying to get the clam smell out of your room.

And you know what the really stupid part about it is? This has happened before.

This is why I joke with people that I'm a "dumb smart girl."  Because seriously, that was just stupid.

I need air freshener.  I have no air freshener.  Maybe if I cook popcorn it'll fade?  At least some?

Please, hold your applause.

I like Fridays, but especially these ones.

So.

6:30?  Just as not fun as it was last semester.  Especially when it's right after a night where I was SO. TIRED...until I laid down in bed.  Don't you hate those nights?  I'm not sure what time I actually fell asleep, but what I do know is that it was far too late when I had that kind of wake-up call.

The good news about French Lit is that, despite the fact that it requires immense amounts of thinking (foreign languages were simply not meant for early mornings), it's active enough that it kept me awake.  In all of my classes, I think Dr. Steegar is the ONE professor in whose classes I have never fallen asleep.  Plus, getting to have an extra class with my best friend and therefore getting to see her every day is totally worth it.  :)

After that, I had an hour to kill before Psychology, and I tried to read the chapter that I didn't have time to read last night because I was so caught up with French Lit, but I ended up just falling asleep.  And then I had a really hard time staying awake in class, but luckily either the teacher didn't notice or didn't care.  I can get caught up on the reading this weekend.

This semester my schedule ROCKS.  On Fridays, I am done at 10:50.  Which is pretty freaking awesome.  Because today that meant I could come back and take a nice long nap.  And it felt FANTASTIC.  I love sleep, and I love curling up under my warm covers.

And then when I woke up from my nap, I found this. 

Taylor is seriously one of the nicest guys I've ever met.  The world needs more genuine, humble, kind people like him.

And that, and the fact that my CD is in the mail on its way to me, is pretty much just the icing on the cake of awesomeness. 

I am so blessed.  So, so very blessed.

My Favorite Kind

Today was busy.  Today was long, and I didn't even get up until 9:30.

11:00 French Conversation.  I got to see Ryann! Yay!!! :) I finally got to give her all of my Scopes notes that I saved for her, her Mac charger that she left in Steegar's office over Christmas break, and her picture.  She loved her picture, and that just makes me so happy.  Class was fine.  French class is always funny.  It's me, Ryann, Pam, and another girl named Taylor who I actually met last semester at the Study Abroad Fair, so it's cool.  We also all talked with Steegar and we moved our French Lit class to 8:00 instead of 9:00 so that Ryann could add it and continue on the French Lit class she took last semester since she has another class at 9:00 (wow, that was a long sentence).  So YAY, I get two classes with my best friend!

Then, Ryann and I went to lunch with her friend Bryce.  We went to a deli on campus that I surprisingly have never eaten at before, and it was delicious.  Bryce was super nice.  That was just fun.

Then I went and chilled in the building where my 2:00 class was, because I certainly wasn't going to go back to my dorm - by the time I got back to my dorm, it would be time for me to leave to get to class.  And then Econ was fine, not exciting but not totally boring, either.  The professor seems pretty cool, and the workload is minor.  I think it's safe to say that my two French classes are going to be my biggest stressors/concerns this semester, so I'm totally good with that.

Then I went and had a meeting with Dr. Mero.  That was really nice.  I really like him.  He's very cool, and he really likes me, too, so we get along great, and he trusts me with all the important College Democrats information and stuff.  Plus, we got had some good laughs about all the dumb people in
the State & Local Government class last semester.

And then I ate dinner, and took a shower, and did a crapload of homework.  And here I am.

Today was busy.

Today was long.

But today was awesome.

And that's my favorite kind of day.

People as a whole don't generally suck.

Nerds like me, we love the first day of school.  I couldn't wait to go to my classes, see if I had any people I already knew in them, get my first impressions of my professors, get the syllabi, everything about the fun new feeling about all of it.

Like I said, I'm a nerd.  And I will freely admit that. :)

French Literature was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be.  It's basically like your average English class, just in a foreign language.  The only other student in it is Pam, who I knew from our Conversation class last semester, so it will be nice.  And I love Dr. Steegar.  The work is going to be tough, but I absolutely love the French language.  So I'm happy, not worried about it all.

General Psychology seems to be okay.  I've always been interested in Psychology, so I'm glad I Get to take this as an elective.  The professor seems to be the perfect combination of kind/caring and serious about her work.  I'm happy I got a good seat in the class, too, because the room is tiny (it's in the basement of our Religion building) and there are a lot of people.  The work load seems like your typical college class.  There's no papers, and only one group project, so it'll be fine.  The guys I sit next to seem nice.

Water Aerobics was cool.  The teacher is very chill, relaxed, and very compassionate.  He was super understanding when I explained to him about all of my physical disabilities and such, which put the concerns I had going in there at ease.  Plus, I met a girl in there named Chelsea (ironically enough) who was sweet enough to agree to drive me to and from the pool every day that we have class.  I walked from my dorm to the pool today (in the pouring rain!), and it was so painful.  This is a huge relief for me. 

College Algebra was fine.  The class is half online, which means I only have to go to class once a week instead of twice, so that's pretty awesome.  That aside, it's Algebra.  I took Algebra 1 at age 11 in 7th grade and got like a 96 on it.  I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.  The teacher seems okay. 

So yeah, I'm happy with today.  There were a lot of nice people in my day.  It reminds me that the amount of nice people at this school (and in the world in general) far outnumber the amount of mean people.  That helped fight against this horrible migraine I've had all day.  Of course the first day of class was the first day in weeks that I woke up with a migraine.  Hey, what can you do?  I spent like an hour tonight sitting at my desk in the pitch black with my head down, and that helped a lot.

Tomorrow's agenda includes French Conversation & Composition, Macroeconomics, and a meeting with Dr. Mero about College Democrats.  I'm really going to appreciate not having to get up until 9:30.  I think I'm going to go to bed now in hopes of sleeping off the rest of this headache.

Welcome

You know what the best way for me to get over a bad mood is?

To think about all of the things I'm grateful for.  And there sure are a lot of 'em.

Like lunch with good friends.

A meeting about a group I am so excited to be a part of.

Being involved in campus life in general.

Bruno texting me asking me for my address because he still wants to send me their CD for free.

But as odd as this is going to sound, I think the brightest part of my day was when I was leaving my meeting with Tracie, the College Dems president, and my friend Gabe was walking towards us and called out from forty or fifty feet away "Hey Mallory, how are you doin', hon?" and came up and gave me a huge hug.

It honestly still blows me away, the level of acceptance I have found here.  Maybe it's my self-esteem issues, maybe it's my trust issues and rough past in dealing with other people my age, who knows.  All I know is that I feel surrounded by people who don't give a crap about what I look like.  I can finally be myself and be accepted for it.  The people who do judge me are few and far between, rare enough that I forget about them.  Instead, I get doors opened for me by complete strangers.  I get hugs from guys who never would have spoken to me in high school.  I get people asking for my help in class because they appreciate it, not because they want to use me.  The only other place in the world that I have ever felt this accepted and welcome is at Camp Don Lee, the camp where I got saved when I was 11.  It's so beautiful.

I remember several of you, along with others in my "real life" (and I hate saying that because the relationships I have formed through this blog are just as real and precious to me as any of my in-person friends, but you know what I mean), trying repeatedly over the past few years to tell me that people would start to love me more if and when I learned how to really love myself.  But I know back then I didn't want to hear it.  I was too caught up in my self-dug hole of misery and complaints to accept the fact that I had/have a hand in all of this.

Well, I'm starting to think you were right.  And I am so glad you were.  So if you were one of the people who tried to tell me that, over and over again fighting against my too-thick head, I have one thing to say.

Thanks for not giving up on me. :)

Add this to the list of things I missed.

HAVING STUFF TO DO.

Today was pretty boring.

The only time I left my room was to go to the bookstore and get my textbooks for the semester.  It was, like, the fastest trip to a college bookstore ever.  Even the lines were moving quickly.  It was awesome.  And the people who work there are so nice; they know me well because of my "special account" the administration has set up for me because Uncle Ed buys my books, plus helping me several times out when I was in the power chair last year, and the simple fact that this campus really is like a family.

But tomorrow, I already have three things on the agenda.

Lunch with Amy.

A meeting with Tracie, the president of our College Democrats.

And dinner/hanging out with Morgan.

And then I may possibly see Ryann, if she has the time.  I don't know, though, because she isn't even getting back to campus till late tonight, so I told her I wouldn't text her till tomorrow.

Classes start Wednesday, and I'm so looking forward to this.  As NOT stressed as I was at the beginning of last semester, I can't imagine how nice this is going to be considering what classes I'm taking.

Have I mentioned how much I love this place?!?! :D

Happy Monday, lovelies.

It's good to be back.

Oh, how I have missed the creek.

I have missed the silence.

I have missed knowing that my dear friends are within walking distance.

I love this place.

What I do not love is the physical labor involved in packing a car, unpacking a car, going to Walmart and buying more stuff, loading and unloading all of that, and then unpacking everything in my dorm room so that I can go to sleep.

I'm so tired I'm not even taking a shower tonight.  Good thing I don't have to be anywhere early tomorrow (classes don't start till Wednesday), so I'll just take one in the morning.

It's amazing how you can leave a place for a month and then return and slide right back into your groove as if you never left.

Special shoutout to my mother who worked just as hard as I did today, and had to deal with my crying in the middle of the Walmart parking lot because I spent too much money and had to take some from her.  Granted, she owes me a bunch of money anyway, and I am on my Provera hormones so I have a good excuse, but it was not pretty.

I got Ryann's picture printed and bought her frame, and I got the same picture printed and framed for me, plus the Christmas picture of Matt and me printed and framed.  With those and my Blake picture and Vespers picture, once I by some mounting tape at the end of this month, my walls are going to be just beautiful.  Ryann gets in tomorrow night, and I hope to get to see her on Tuesday, but at the very latest, I'll see her Thursday in French class.

Ah, yes, it is very good to be back in the creek.  It will also be very good to sleep in my totally awesome bed.

I am happy. :)

So Long, Farewell

It's finally here!

All of my clothes and all of my extra belongings, save for what I will need in the morning, are packed.

Mom dyed my hair back to the shade of brown you saw in this post.  Hopefully this lasts longer than it did last time.  It should, since I got my hair thinned and we left the dye in longer before I got in the shower, which means it should have saturated better.

We had a big feast of crab legs for dinner, and my mom made nachos a second time for lunch.

The only thing I have left to do tonight is make my shopping list for Walmart.  Mom is taking me to get stuff there on the way back to school.

I am so, so, so ready to go.  I miss school.  I miss my friends.  I miss not being ridiculously bored all of the time.  Life is so much better for me when I'm away and can remove from the drama that comes as a package deal with being in this house.

Today was all right.  Second to the crab legs, I think the highlight was when Mom sat through the Glee: The Concert movie with me just because she knew I wanted to see it and she wanted to spend time with me.  She's nice.

Yawn.  I am exhausted.  Which is kind of ridiculous considering how late I slept today and the fact that I didn't exactly do anything strenuous.  My body is funny.  I'll probably go to bed when this Dateline: Real Life Mysteries is over.  I tell ya, it's a good thing I'm not a super paranoid person because if I was, this show would make me terrified of getting married.  Ha!

Okay, I'll shut up now before I get into some weird rambling.

My grandma, she kinda rocks.

At the beginning of every semester, she takes me to the Commissary on Camp Lejeune and buys me a cart full of groceries.  I didn't know this until recently, but apparently military families don't have to pay taxes for their groceries on base.  So it's pretty awesome that she has lifetime privileges to get on base.  The beach is way nicer, and tax-free groceries are just gravy.  But yeah, she buys me a load of groceries every semester for no other reason than she loves me and is awesome.

Also, she has these CDs for each of her grandkids in her bank account, and I get $500 every semester, too, for various supplies and whatever else I need.  Because, again, she's awesome.  If I can ever manage to get a summer job, I'll try not to use all of mine up, but I know I definitely have a bit more than enough to get me to graduation.  Any extra I'll save for when I get my own place, or my wedding, or something.

So yeah, I went grocery shopping today.  It was nice because the weather was the perfect temperature so I didn't get all hot and sweaty, but my asthma also didn't flare up from it being too cold.

And then, when Mom got home, she made nachos for dinner, just because I told her I'd been craving them since we hadn't had them in forever and I bought the ingredients this afternoon.  And to be nice, since Chelsea refuses to do anything even though we all know she's capable, I cleaned the kitchen and picked up the disasters Chelsea left all over our dining room/livingroom/kitchen. I couldn't take the mess anymore.  It was for Mom and me.  Just because Chelsea's a slob, that doesn't mean we should have to live like it, too.

All in all, I'm in a good mood today, despite not so nice stuff.  I'm one day closer to Campbell, and it's the weekend which means Mom is home so I have a buffer against Chelsea.  Mom's dying my hair back dark tomorrow night because the dye from the first time is pretty much entirely washed out, and I told her I want to go back to school looking different (and so Ryann can see it in person). 

I found this on my friend Jess's blog, and I love it, so I'm putting it here for all to see.  Because it's kind of perfect.  Vivielle, this one's for you.  :)

G'night, folks.

Sorry, there's no deep post tonight.

And to think, I was kind of on a roll there for a second.

Look over there in my left sidebar!  See that new button?  Isn't it pretty?  I joined this "One Word" community on Facebook which is just a bunch of people who have joined this whole "pick your word for the year" movement and we post about it on the wall and read each other's and stuff.  Well, one of the women posted saying she was making buttons for anyone who wanted one for free.  So I totally jumped on that train and immediately went over to her blog to comment that I wanted one.  You know how long it took for her to email me back with the button already done?  SIX MINUTES.  My mind was sort of blown.  Add that to the list of reasons I love blogland.  99% of the people you meet randomly on here are just awesome!

Three days to Campbell, three days to Campbell!  I cannot wait to get out of this house.  Because, seriously, listening to Chelsea talk and talk and TALK gets really old.  Factor in that basically every other sentence is her saying I FEEL HORRIBLE OMG THIS SICKNESS IS SO BAD DID I MENTION I FEEL HORRIBLE?!?!?! and I pretty much want to cut out my own ears just to make it stop.  I've tried really, really, really hard to be nice but finally today I was just like WOMAN! YOU'RE NOT DYING AND WE GET IT THAT YOU'RE SICK SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!  She thinks she's so much sicker than Mom or I were/are (Mom's still sick), when the difference is just that we don't constantly complain about it.  And even when my mom and I ask her nicely to please stop talking constantly, she refuses to shut up, even though she knows she's being annoying.  But it's just how Chelsea's mind works.  This behavior isn't new.  I just really wish she'd learn that I don't need to know every single conversation she has with people at work especially when 75% of them consist almost entirely of OMG CHELSEA'S SICK WHY IS CHELSEA AT WORK CHELSEA NEEDS TO GO HOME OMG CHELSEA'S SICK.

Add that to the list of reasons why my mother is my hero. 

I promise I'm in a perfectly fine mood.  I'm just ranty.  And way too hyper for 11:35 pm.

Nothing else exciting happened today.  I did some laundry.  I watched TV.  But mostly I hid from Chelsea.  Well, actually tried to hide.  Because it's impossible to hide from Chelsea.

On to tomorrow.  At least tomorrow I get out of the house.

Oh PS? I may find out whether or not I got my DC internship as early as this weekend!!!!  Keep your fingers crossed!

Procrastination: It's not just for school.

So, um, I gave my speech at church tonight.  For someone as freakishly shy in front of crowds as I am, that was nervewracking.  But either I'm really good at faking it, or people are just really nice, because a bunch of people said they couldn't tell that I was nervous.  To sum it up, it was all about my journey through all the medical issues I've been dealt, and what I learned from it, and how I came out on the other side closer to God and stronger. 

I didn't bring notes.  Partially because I was afraid that if I brought notes I'd spend too much time looking at them instead of at the people, and partially because, hello, I'm a college student aka a master of procrastination.  There are pluses and minuses to my choice, but I think that if I do this again for CUW, I won't bring notes there, either, because I'll be even more concerned about looking at notes too much there.  The good news is that I didn't stumble too much, and my voice held out despite this nasty chest crud that will. not. go. AWAY.

It was fine.  I mean, there are a few things I wish I'd said (see: minuses to not bringing notes), but it was a nice test run, and overall, I know what I'll say and what I should cut out and add for the next time.  The dozen or so people that showed up prayed for me for basically all of the medical stuff that I talked about, so I was trying to not go TOO in detail.  I was nervous that too many details I would bore them.  But I knew almost everyone from past stuff, and they all seemed to be touched and appreciative.  So I'm pleased and, to be quite honest, relieved to have gotten it out of the way and to not have to fret over it anymore.

In the end, I think the important part isn't what I said - I think it's that I did it at all.  God is pleased that I obeyed Him and did what I felt in my heart He was asking me to do.  If He asks something, I need to do it, whether or not it makes me uncomfortable because if it can bring glory to Him, then I'm doing my job.  I'm a bit proud of myself for working past the nervousness, but mostly, I'm honored that God can use me in this way to minister to people.  If they ask me to speak at CUW, I'll do it again, too.

I might prepare a little more next time, though.  Just a tad.  Maybe.

She Will Be Loved

Tonight, I feel the need to read and reread this old post of mine.

I think it's fairly easy to figure out why I'm in this kind of mood, too, which is a plus, I guess.

Last night, I had a dream that Holly and her boyfriend got engaged.  And on top of that, I've been dealing with stupid, unwarranted jealousy issues because she and Matt now live in the same town.  (Stupid because, hello, she has a boyfriend.  Unwarranted because my relationship with Matt has always been a thousand times closer than theirs ever was, and their relationship doesn't change ours.)

I've always been jealous of Holly because, to put it simply, I think she's prettier than and has always had a much easier time getting people to like her.  And it took me until this summer to get Matt to admit there had been sexual tension between them for years.  Holly gets what she wants, and I know her well enough to know she'd have no problem going after the guy she very well knows I've been in love with since I was 16.

I'm getting off topic.  Anyway, I guess what that dream and those feelings have to do with the mood I'm in right now is the fact that I basically feel like my self-esteem would take a major blow if both of my sisters get engaged before I ever even get a boyfriend.  A lot of the time, they both, whether they mean to or not (well, I know Chelsea means to, I can't say for sure about Holly), make me feel like they're somehow better than me just because they've both found their "soulmates".  Like I'm somehow less important.  And Holly's and my relationship is so shallow that I can't even face her to tell her, because I know she wouldn't get it - she'd just blow me off and tell me I'm being silly.  That's what she's done in the past.

So frankly, I'm struggling tonight, and trying to focus on the fact that I know that just because I'm single now, that doesn't mean I'm "less than" them.  I'm not the only girl my age who has never had a boyfriend.  Heck, Callie from the Vespers is, in my opinion, even prettier than Holly, and she's never had one, either.  That sounds shallow, I know, but it's comforting in my head.

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them."  Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  I love God.  That is what counts.  God knows that my heart's desire is to be a wife and a mother.  That will come true.  I believe that it will because I am loved by the King of the universe, and He delights in making me happy.

I pray that I will remember how much I am loved by God when my sisters attack me, or when society pressures me.  I pray that I will always believe that there is someone out there for me, who will love the parts of me that even I am frustrated by.  I pray that I will remember to stop comparing every guy I meet to Matt.  I pray that I remember there will be a man one day that is better than anything I could ever ask for.  I pray that I never forget that I won't regret saving myself for my husband, but I will almost certainly regret it if I don't.

Most of all, I pray that I never forget where to find my self-worth.  I cannot find my self-worth in Matt, or my family, or any of my friends, not even in myself, for that is when I will become too self-important.  I can ONLY find the worth of my existence in the God that created me with an exact image in mind.  He planned every tiny piece of my personality, my being, with a specific purpose, a purpose that is meant to glorify Him.  And He knows the day, the minute, the second, that I will meet the guy with whom I will spend the rest of my life.  He always knows.

But hey, if I have to listen to sappy songs about love to distract me, so be it. ;)

One Word

Considering the extreme effects choosing my One Word last year had on my life, I knew that I absolutely wanted to choose a word for this year.  I actually started thinking about it about a month ago because I wanted to be sure that I picked the right word.

From the beginning, one word was sticking out in my head.  Seems simple, right?  Heh, well, factor in my intense indecisiveness, and you have me second-guessing myself every single time I started to feel confident about my choice.  This has been happening practically every day since I started thinking of this word. 

But this "new me" is determined to place all of my trust in God, even when I'm nervous and anxious to do so.  And I'd be a fool to ignore this crystal clear message.  I need y'all to help keep me accountable on what I'm about to set out to do.

My word for 2012 is

WARRIOR.

I know, it's basically the polar opposite of my 2011 Word "peace."  But here's my explanation...

To me, a warrior is someone who is brave, even when they're facing dangerous tasks. 

A warrior is someone who risks it all for the people they love.

A warrior is at the top of their game in order to best serve those to whom they have devoted themselves.

This year, I want to become a warrior for Christ. 

I want to be brave enough to shout of His love from the moutaintops.  I want to face the enemy whenever he may appear in my life or the lives of my loved ones with the confidence that I have the strength of the Lord behind me.  I want to battle for the salvation of the people whom I know need God so badly, people who could begin to heal if they surrendered themselves to His love.  I want to shine the unending love and grace of my Father to every single person that I encounter so strongly that they know Whose I am, without question.

In conjunction with this, warriors are in top form in every sense: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  This year is the year that I stop messing around with this whole losing weight idea and actually do it.  I cannot do the work He may ask of me in this kind of shape.  My body is meant to be a sanctuary, and I have not been honoring him in this area.  My health is finally under control, and I must take advantage of that, because I don't know how long things will stay this way.  It's long past time I quit hiding behind excuses and find the confidence in myself that I can do this because He will give me the strength.

I want to know my God like I never have before.  I want to devote myself to Him completely, giving my whole heart to the One who has sustained my life through unimaginable odds. 

I'm armed, I'm all in on this, I'm ready to go.

The battle starts now. 

1 Timothy 6:12 "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

Ephesians 6:10-18 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

New Year, New Me

January 1st.

One week until Christmas vacation is over, and oh my heavens, I can not WAIT for that.  I am beyond ready to be back at school where I am able to focus on the peace I know that I feel in my heart.

In the spirit of this new year, I decided to update my About Me on Facebook.  The last time I updated it was early November 2010, and it really doesn't reflect this new me.  I meant it when I said that I am a completely different person.  And since there's not much I have to say (not anything positive, anyway) about today, I thought I'd post what I wrote here for y'all to see it.  I think it sums me up pretty nicely.  Let me know what you think. :)

"You can call me Mal.

I'm a Christian, a daughter of the King, and I would not be where I am today without the unending love and grace of my Father.

I'm 19 years old, and a junior at Campbell University. I have a double major of Political Science - International Relations and French, and I love it. I am excited and anxious to see where this field takes me in the future.

I've been through more in my life thus far than most people deal with in an entire lifetime, but my story has only made me stronger, and I thank God for the opportunities to bless others it has brought to me.

I have amazing friends that I would do absolutely anything for. I give 100% of myself to every one of my relationships. I believe that two of the greatest gifts God has blessed me with are the wisdom to know how to support my friends when they need me and my intense compassion and love for the people in my life. I struggle with trust issues, but I am one of the most loyal people you will ever meet.

I love music. I love to listen to it, to play it, and to sing. I am the General of the Vesper Army for The Vespers. One of my most favorite hobbies is to work to support them. I am also a member of Scarlet Grey's Grey Family. If you don't know these two bands, look them up. I guarantee you will be blessed by them.

In the end, I'm just a girl in North Carolina trying to find my way. I have big dreams for my future, and I love to laugh with the people I adore. I take too many risks, and I give too many second chances. I crack jokes at inappropriate times, and if you get to know me, you'll see my sarcasm shine through. I love making new friends, and it's pretty much impossible for me to be mean to or hate anyone. I'm basically an open book, so ask me anything.

Ephesians 3:20
Romans 8:28"

Happy New Year, friends.