Life ain't always what you think it ought to be.

(special thanks to The Band Perry for the title of this post)

When I was in high school, I really didn't want a boyfriend (well aside from Matt, but he doesn't really count because he was never a possibility).  Living in a small town, I knew basically every guy in my grade because we'd been going to school together for so long.  (Only one middle and one high school, you get to know people.)  They were immature and rude and I basically couldn't stand any of them.

So yeah, I was fine being single.  And I got excited about college because Matt kept telling me how I'd meet tons of people, including guys, who were like him and could accept me the way that I was.  I couldn't wait!  Chelsea's favorite insult to throw at me was (and is still) that I'm going to "die a virgin because if Matt won't even have sex with me then no man will."  And the selfish, emotional part of me wanted nothing more than to prove her wrong. 

I thought I'd get to Campbell and finally be what society deemed a "normal teenager."  I thought I'd find a boyfriend and get to go on dates and have a date to dances and events and stop feeling like a third wheel whenever I went out with my friends.

Here I am, well into my third year here, and the biggest things I've realized about this school are a) most of the guys are still ridiculously immature and b) there are even more couples here than there were in high school. 

And it's hard.  It's hard not to let my self-esteem issues take over.  It's hard not to go back to feeling like the freak, wondering why guys don't like me.  It's hard not to think "well if I could just lose weight..." or "well if I could just get new clothes..." or whatever.

But something else I've also realized? My girl friends have girls' nights, and they include me. I'm not an outcast just because I'm single.

Basically, here's the difference between now and where I was in high school: Now I know the Truth.

The truth? 

It's better to be a "good girl" who still has her self-respect intact than a popular girl who loses it in guy after guy who all disappear far too quickly.

It's better to wait for the one God has picked out for me than date just because it's what I'm "supposed" to do. 

It's better to follow God's plan for me than to follow anyone else's, even especially my own.

Just because all the girls I know have boyfriends and I don't, that doesn't make me less of a woman.  Just because I don't have a boyfriend right now, that doesn't mean that no guy will ever love me.  That means that the King of the universe is saving my heart from the unnecessary pain of being in relationships with guys who won't treat me right, and ultimately who aren't the husband He has planned for me.  It means I am being protected by the One who loves me more than any boyfriend or husband ever could.

And that, my friends? Is so much better.

A Lesson from JD

Today flew by. 

Which is weird, because I felt kinda bored for most of it.

And here we are, it's already Sunday night.  The start of yet another week.  If I'm calculating correctly, this is going to be the last insane week I have until finals.  I've got to get my English paper done by Fridaya, and if I want Dr. Thornton to review my project report, I have to have a rough or at least partial draft by next Monday.

I'm so tired, I don't even really remember how I've spent the past 9 hours.  I remember studying for my History test tomorrow, which I am about to do again, and I remember eating and writing out my French presentation for Thursday, but that's seriously about it.

But you know, even though the week feels so overwhelming to me right now, I know it'll be Friday before I realize it.  I've learned that if you expend more energy actually doing stuff instead of worrying about it, then it goes away faster. 

To tell the complete truth, today I've kind of been fretting about the fundraising campaign for The Vespers.  They didn't really raise any money today or yesterday, and I'm the kind of person that gets stressed by deadlines. 

But if there's one thing I've learned from my dear, dear friend JD, it's not that I don't need to worry about how God's going to pull off finding $15,000 before November 25, it's that I need to have the faith that He can.  I need to trust that He can bring my friends the donators.  I need to trust that if it doesn't happen, and if the CD can't come out on time, then He's got a reason for it that trumps any plan or desires I have or the band has.  She called it "sun stand still faith", and that phrase has stuck with me.

I have to have the kind of faith that realizes that this isn't about the band and me raising the money for the project, it's about trusting that the same God who made the sun stand still for Joshua, the same God who provided JD and her team with the $30,000 they needed for their Ghana project, can bring my friends the funds they need.

Because He can.

He can do anything.  He is bigger than any mountain that we fear is insurmountable.  Nothing can stop Him from fulfilling His wishes for His people.  And He loves Bruno, Taylor, Callie, Phoebe, you, me, Christians, non-Christians, EVERYONE more than any words in any language could ever begin to explain.

It is possible.  This goal is possible.  Your goals are possible.

Anything is possible with Him.

You don't have to worry or wonder about how He's going to pull it off.  That's not your job.  Your job is simply to sit still and trust that He can and will do it in a way that no human ever could.

On Camels

Thursday at the VMI game, the few guys from the Camel Crazies (basically a bunch of bored guys who go to game and become obnoxiously hilarious cheerleaders) sang this song that I hadn't heard in years, and it got stuck in my head tonight at the game.

Sally the camel has five humps,
Sally the camel has five humps,
Sally the camel has five humps,
So ride, Sally, ride!

Then four, then three, then two, then one, then

Sally the camel has no humps,
Sally the camel has no humps,
Sally the camel has no humps
So Sally is a horse!

Catchy, no? :D

Today, I am beyond proud to be a Camel.  First, the football team won at Davidson, coming from behind 17-3 in the 4th quarter to winning 26-20 in triple overtime.  I didn't even know football HAD triple overtime!

And tonight, Ryann and her team beat the number one team in the Big South Conference, Radford, 2-1 despite having the world's most blind and biased referee letting Radford get away with every foul possible, including two deliberate trips in the goal box that should've been penalty kicks.  Only on the 3rd one, when someone actually GOT HURT, did we get our deserved PK and take the lead with just a few minutes to spare.  (And thank you Jesus for that, especially so we didn't have to sit out in the cold for overtime!)

Before the game, these two showed up.  I REALLY wish I knew who was inside of those suits.  They were hilarious.

After the game, when the team came up to the bleachers (there's a big incline from the field up to where the fans sit), I was standing right in front and held out my arms to give Ryann a hug when she came up, and she said, "Wait, more important." and stepped around me to give Mom a hug!  I was serious when I said those two adore each other. :D  She also hugged Mommom and THEN she hugged me, and she was so sweet.  She kept saying how nice they were to come up for this and sit out in the cold for her.  I love that my best friends all love my mom.  I may have been chopped liver tonight (haha), but I did manage to get a picture with her before I was forced to leave because it was so cold.

Love this girl.  Love my school.  Love my life.

Technology is awesome.

How often do you get to see a choir from Kenya in Nashville sing a song from The Lion King live?

The answer: Once, if you were on livefromthestationinn.com earlier tonight.

The Vespers are playing a show tonight.  Literally.  Like right now. 

And I'm watching it.  Because technology is awesome, and some of their friends are livestreaming the show.

And they met a choir from Kenya last night at some function, and that choir agreed to come for their show and perform.

And it was awesome.  The whole audience was in awe, and then cracked up laughing when this amazing group busted out into "Nants ingonyama bagithi baba sithi uhhmm ingonyama."  It was pretty spectacular. (And thank you Google, for the written out African (Swahili?) (Oh yes, I just did a double parentheses, and I'm doing it again. I'm such a rebel, I know.) lyrics, because I never would've figured out how to spell that on my own.)

And also awesome? The Vespers just passed $2000 tonight on their fundraising. On the 3rd day.  13k to go!  Please keep praying for that.

Also awesome, but also possibly crazy?  I apparently decided that I didn't have enough to do in my life, so I started the Vesper Army Street Team.  (That's what the band refers to their fans as.)  I am the General, as Bruno titled me.  Right now, we're so focused on this fundraising campaign that not much has happened yet, but we're already brainstorming some cool ideas for it afterwards.  The kind of funny part about is it that it was just a spur of the moment decision.

See, I have Bruno and Taylor's cell phone numbers, 'cause they're sweet.  And I texted them the other day to tell them that I was spreading the word about the fundraising campaign and was sorry I couldn't help financially.  And Bruno and I were just texting back and forth chatting throughout the day and I said "So I was thinking about starting a Vesper Army twitter...like a street team. What do you think? I would only do it with your blessing."  (Your being the whole band's blessing, of course.)  It kind of just blew up from there.

Y'all may possibly be thinking I'm crazy and I may regret this decision because I get so stressed out with school and stuff, but I honestly don't think I will.  I can regret many things, but helping out those four?  It's just impossible.  I am lucky to consider them friends, and if doing this and helping them out can begin to show the gratitude I have for having them in my life and being a part of theirs, then it is a blessing and I am thrilled to do it.

And one last shameless plug: helpthevespers.com (Sorry, had to do it.)

Redemption Continued

I'm just gonna cut to the chase:  I screwed up.  And I learned a very valuable lesson from it.

I did exactly what Ryann asked me not to do - talk to Kyle.

As I was watching her play tonight (and Campbell WON, by the way), I started thinking about everything that she told me Tuesday and long story short, my emotions got the best of me.  There's no excusing what I did.  I screwed up.  I got selfish and disappointed a friend.

BUT because my conscience immediately kicked in afterwards (doesn't it always?), after the game I told her.  I felt horrible.  I told her the truth that I was scared she was going to hate me or I was going to lose her.

This is the part where my mind was blown.

This girl, who has admitted she has one heck of a temper, didn't get mad.  She said she was unhappy, which obviously she has every right to be, but she also said two very important things.  She told me not to beat myself up, and she told me that it wasn't going to ruin our friendship.

I honestly don't remember the last friendship I had other than Matt where someone forgave me when I screwed up.

That simple fact right there means the world to me.  And it makes me that much more determined to never make this mistake again.

If I'm being 100% honest, and I might as well continue the streak, by the time Elizabeth got back to pick me up, I was terrified that even though she said we were okay, we weren't and broke down sobbing.  But thanks to Elizabeth, another friend I love dearly, I calmed down and my logical self suppressed my emotional self and I realized that if Ryann was mad, that girl would have told me.

So for now, I'm just gonna let the dust settle tomorrow, since she's pretty hard to get a hold of outside of French class, anyway.  And I'm gonna go to the game with Mom and Mommom like normal, and if she acts the same when we see her afterwards, then I'm just gonna let it go.  If she can let it go when I'm the one who screwed up, the least I can do is not harp on it.

Thank you, God, for finally answering my prayers asking for just one girl friend who would stick around.  Once again, You've given me above and beyond I asked for and brought me several girl friends that I can't imagine my life without.  Thank You for the endless forgiveness You shower upon me when I screw up.  Please help me to make sure my relationship with Ryann stays right.  Thank You for the lessons You teach me every single day, even when it hurts.  I can never stop learning.  Please help me to become more like You.  I can't do this whole living thing without Your help.

I think I'm losing my comprehension skills.

Aye yi yi. 

Today was full of embarrassing moments. 

Mostly me saying something stupid, or asking a question about something and unintentionally proving I misunderstood the material, or trying to be nice to my professor and accidentally making it sound rude (open mouth, insert foot)

And the irony of it all is that I got more sleep last night than I've gotten on a school night in about two weeks.  I swear I didn't feel this confused so often in high school!

On the other hand, I did manage to write 3 1-page French compositions and my two-page paper for State & Local in two hours tonight, so maybe all hope isn't completely lost yet. ;)  And it was Shakespeare in English class - I can't be the first one to have a hard time keeping a girl pretending to be a boy and her twin brother straight. Hahaha.  (Twelfth Night)

I am mentally drained.  Here's hoping I don't have quite so many embarrassing moments tomorrow.  Actually, I don't have to talk in Music, and everyone is constantly messing up in French and I don't mind embarrassing myself in front of those girls and Dr. Steegar, so basically I just need to avoid embarrassing moments in State & Local.  :)  Then, Ryann's got a soccer game, so I'm basically getting a night off.  I never have homework to do on Thursday nights.  Maybe I'll do some research for my Scope & Methods project.

Oh, who am I kidding.  That's not gonna happen. ;)

Please help my friends.

Okay, so I know that in this lovely little blogworld, asking for money is really only deemed "appropriate" if it's for adoptions or medical bills, and sometimes not even then, but my heart is burdened for my friends.  So I'm feeling led to share this.  Feel free to close this if you don't want to read it.

Y'all know how much I love my friends in The Vespers.  They really are some of the kindest, most genuine, hardworking people I have ever met in my entire life.  I've spoken many times of how dear they are to me, so I won't bore you with that again.

Right now, they're in the final stages of making their second record.  It's due out February 21st and it's called The Fourth Wall.  If you've listened to any of the videos I've posted here, then you know I'm telling the truth when I say this is a record that you will want to buy and will be full of absolutely amazing music.

Here's where the problem comes in:  They don't have a label or any famous, well-endowed musicians or companies helping them do this; every bit of work is done by them and the couple of guys helping them with the recording and production.  And in case you didn't know, this is expensive.  Especially for a young band who has only been doing this full-time for a couple years. 

They need money.

Can you please help them?  They're not asking for huge donations.  Every dollar counts.  If you feel you can, you can go to http://www.helpthevespers.com/ and making a pledge is very easy.  There are rewards for donators, varying depending on how much you give, so you'll even get something back in return!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I feel safe in speaking for the band when I say that I know they appreciate any and all help they receive.  They are humble and hardworking, and freely show their gratitude to all of their fans and supporters, no doubt.

And if you can't donate, could you please pray that these four sweet and talented friends of mine make their goal?  Thanks again.

And the answer is...

Today was...interesting, to say the least.

Remember when I told you about how Ryann and Kyle stopped being friends?

Because neither of them told me what went down, I just let it go and kept on being friends with both of them.  I hate losing people, and at the time I really didn't see how them "falling out" was my business, so yeah. I just went on with life.

Well, today Dr. Steegar let us out of class early, so Ryann and I had a bit of time to talk before her next class.  I don't remember exactly what was said before I said what I said, and I was honestly nervous to bring it up, but at one point, I said, "Can I be honest?" She nodded.  "I'm a little surprised you're so...nonchalant about losing your friendship with Kyle."

And that was when she started talking.  About everything that went down.  And I was in shock.  Not just in shock, also raging mad.  It takes a lot to make me that furious, but I was.

It's not my place to talk about all that she said, so I'll just say this:  What he did was scarily similar to how Landon acted when he and Holly first broke up.  I wanted to call him to tell him off and tell him to lose my number because I really don't want to ever speak to him again, but I didn't because she asked me not to.  That guy is very mentally unstable, and if he can do what he did to the girl he claimed was his best friend, I cannot have someone like that in my life out of fear of what he'd do the first time he got mad at me. 

She isn't upset, but I am.  If you asked me the thing that makes me most upset, it'd be having my friends and family attacked and threatened.  And on top of that, he played me and made me think he was upset their friendship ended, but I saw the emails he sent her.  He's not sad.

So that's over.  I'm angry for Ryann, but I'm also relieved to have someone that vindictive and dangerous out of my life before Ryann or I really got hurt.

Now, all I can do is pray for him, I suppose.  I won't can't contact him because my words would not be Christian, so I will just sit and pray.  Pray for his heart, his soul, the other people he will come in contact with.  That's all that is left.

There's a reason I wasn't named Grace.

So tonight, I went to another one of my required concerts.  My sixth.  And you know what that means? I don't have to take my Music Appreciation final exam! :) One less thing for me to worry about in that week.

It was actually really cool.  Absurdly long, but still really cool.  This group called Djembre Fire (the d is silent) came and played African music.  For almost two hours, but that's beside the point.  There was a lot of drums and singing in some African language (I have no idea what, Swahili is the only language I've heard of and have no idea if that was it), some bells, and spastic dancing.  The people were really fun, though.  The audience was engaged and participating in it the whole time. 

Y'all know me.  Y'all know I'm not exactly shy when it doesn't require talking to people.  Well, towards the end of the show, they asked for volunteers to come up on stage.  So I went.  I was sittting in the front row and I figured I might as well enjoy it.

That was a dumb idea.

I am not coordinated in the least.  That's not news.  So WHY I decided to get up on stage in front of like 200 people and attempt to do fast African tribal dancing is beyond me.  I felt like an idiot afterwards because I couldn't keep up, but hey, no one said anything mean, so...whatever.

Today was good.  I am happy.  Let's hope this stays around.
 

Notes

On my whiteboard outside my room. :)

From 2 or 3 weeks ago, right after the incident with the mean guy in class. I have no idea who wrote this - I'm assuming one of the girls who stopped by to make sure I was okay.

From last night.  I have no idea who this girl is, but she leaves really sweet notes often.  :)

They make me smile. I'm glad I got them on my camera before they get erased.

Onward ho!

Every time I use that phrase, my ever-so-witty mother replies, "Don't call me a ho!" :)

Tonight, I feel amazing.  Still.

Because I had so little homework to do, I've had plenty of time to relax.

And because I am relaxed, I feel a thousand times more prepared to face the week.

I have many things to do, but they are small things.  Class, homework, meetings, a concert, soccer game.  All things that will be interesting and certainly not a waste of my time in the least.

When I was a little girl, I broke down crying every single Sunday night.  I don't even remember why.  Separation anxiety is plausible.  Stress.  Fear.  Who knows.  All I know is I am GLAD that phase is over.  I probably drove my mother crazy.  What can I say, stress is not a new concept to me. ;)

But now, the further along I get along in my school life, especially now that I am in college, I feel stronger and more prepared, more competent, more confident.  And I am very grateful for that.  The more confident I am, the less I worry.

I'm not worried about this week.  I'm looking forward to it.

Onward ho!

Fantastic

Oh this weekend is so awesome.

I have done absolutely nothing of importance today except my laundry.  And it felt fantastic.

This is the first weekend in at least a month that I haven't been loaded with homework.

I slept late.  Which also felt fantastic.

I took a nice, long, hot shower. Also fantastic.

A day off. And the homework I have to do tomorrow will be a cake walk.

I'm still on a emotional high from last night, too.  Oh, and interesting fact: that guy that asked me to dance?  I found out today from some Facebook examination that he is a cheerleader and won Homecoming King today.

That fact is a shining example of how God is showing me how my life can be redeemed if I just make a little bit of effort.  How I can't assume everyone is like the people I put up with in high school.  How if I don't become scared and trust, I can meet some pretty amazing people.  How my life is simply different now.

A few years ago, I probably wouldn't have even gone to a dance like this.  If I did, I almost certainly wouldn't dance and be a goofball.  And there's no way in the world I would've had the courage to ask Mr. Popular to dance with me (I asked him the second time).  I used to be terrified of trusting popular people like Drew.  Because the popular kids were always the ones who hurt me.  But with him?  I can just tell he's different.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I think I've met someone pretty special. :)

It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed
"Unredeemed" - Selah

Don't stop believing, hold onto that feeling!

I. love. this. school.

Tonight was, hands down, the best college experience I have had.
This school is just amazing.  First off, they made hors d'oeuvres for at least 500 people, maybe 600.  And they weren't just your regular appetizers people.  This is the menu (now imagine this being said in your best British accent): Vichyssoise shooter (a chilled soup from the '10s), braised veal ragout, grilled vegetable display with green goddess dip, Hawaiian chicken and pork skewers with pineapple and red and green bell peppers finished with a Polynesian sauce, deconstruction of fondue-cheese display, assorted crostinis, sous vide cumin-lime marinated mahi-mahi with Thai chile-cucumber salsa over coconut curry rice, and vegetable spring roll with sweet chile dipping sauce and sushi rolls.  That's some fancy stuff!  I didn't even know what half of it was at first! Plus they had orange and black cupcakes and a giant camel cake.

Yes, that's actually a cake.  Here are the other pics I got.  You know you're having a good night when you don't even think about taking pics of it.  You're just too busy living. 

That's me, in the amazing dress I've been telling you about. :)  I felt so pretty tonight.

This is me and Elizabeth.  My "date".  We spent most of the night hanging out...that is, once she actually managed to find me by my easy directions! Hahah :)

This is me and Gaylord (obviously).  Is there really anything cooler than a giant camel wearing a suit?  I think not. ;)

Seriously, though.  It was incredible.  They had a great band and DJ and these practically professional dancers who are Campbell alum who performed all of these dances from throughout the past century. 

I heard everything from Ella Fitzgerald to Elvis to Michael Jackson to Usher.  And let me tell you, standing in the center of an arena floor screaming the words to "Don't Stop Believing" along with 300 other people is a pretty awesome feeling.  I won't be forgetting that. 

Also something I found funny: I knew way more of the "old" songs (i.e. Journey, Michael Jackson, etc.) than I did the modern stuff.  Thank you, Mom.

I came out of my shell tonight.  (Laura A, is that your cheering I hear? :p)  I danced even when I had no one to dance with, I danced even though I knew I looked awkward (trust me, that's not self-deprecating, it's true), I sang my heart out with all of my favorite songs, and wait for it........I was even asked by a guy to dance with him. :)  First time that's ever happened in my life.  And we danced together twice.  He was cute, too. :D

I may not be able to walk or talk tomorrow (I may have slightly overdone it), but I don't even care.  Tonight was something I will remember for a long, long time.

Hindsight is 20/20: the only time I have perfect vision.

I finished the paper.

More importantly, I finished the paper on time without having to try and fight against my medications and stay up half the night.

Y'all were right - I freaked out because I'm a nerd, but I always knew it'd get done.  I'd get it done even if I had to go without sleep.

Freaking out was pointless.  All it did was make my persistent headaches worse.  Though I can say I've learned that now, I'll almost certainly forget that the next time I get myself into a similar situation, but hey.  I gotta enjoy good things while they last, right?

Also, fall has officially arrived.  I forgot to check the weather this morning and by the time my body registered how cold it was outside on the way to French, I didn't have the time to walk back to my dorm and get a hoodie and then get to class.  So I froze on the way there.  Luckily it wasn't bad for the rest of the day, but I will not be making that same mistake again tomorrow.  I do prefer being cold over being hot, but not that cold.  :)

Tomorrow I have class at 9, class at 11, and the required movie at 3.  Then the ball!  Then the weekend!  I'm so excited to not have a packed-with-work weekend like the past few have been.  I'm just tired.  Because even though I've been taking my antibiotics, these bizarre feelings haven't gone away yet.  But it's okay, I'll deal.  I always do.

I need sleep now.

OMG.

So you know the show Dancing with the Stars?  Well, if you watched this season you know that one of the pros, Maksim "Maks" Chmerkovskiy, has a little brother Valentin "Val" who joined the cast.  If not, meet Maks and Val.

I follow both of these fine gentlemen on Twitter, and last night I saw that Val was tweeting back to some of his fans, and some of them were writing almost creepy stuff.  I was in a goofy mood, so I decide to write something ridiculous to see if I'd get his attention.  Well guess what.

It worked!! TWICE! :D

Call me a dork if you must, but I have been on Twitter two and a half years and this is the first time I've ever been tweeted by a celebrity, so like I told Val, it pretty much made night week. :)

One for the recordbooks.

Well, on the upside, I started.

My oh my.  Why is it that time seems to go so much faster when you have so much more to do?  Like, I feel like it was Monday morning, then I blinked and BAM! It's after 8:30 pm on Wednesday night.

This stupid paper is taunting me.  I'm pretty sure I can hear it.

On the plus side, I at least have some words, and past experience tells me that it's always easier once I get going. 

But still.

There's approximately 42 hours until I have to have this complete.  And that makes me nervous.

Thank you God for the fact that I will have NOTHING to do tomorrow night except this paper.  I hope Ryann's not mad that I can't go to her game tomorrow.  It'll be the first home game that I haven't been to, aside from the one that was during Fall Break.  She seemed irritated when I told her I wasn't sure if it was possible, but maybe she was just tired.  I don't know, I don't exactly have a choice here.

I'm excited though because next Saturday is the game the team is playing against the one other team they're competing against for #1 in the conference.  Mom is coming up for it because a) she loves soccer and b) she likes Ryann.  Ryann said afterwards there's this big barbecue cookout tailgate type thing that we're welcome to come to with her.  It's gonna be so much fun.  Mom will probably spend the night in my dorm again just to get a break.  :)

Speaking of Mom, yesterday was her birthday, and I'm so glad to know she had a really good day!  She treated herself to a mani-pedi and even better, which I know is hard to say because few things in life are as awesome a birthday treat as a mani-pedi but it's true, Holly surprised her and went home for the night. :D  I'm thrilled that Holly did that for her.  The least that amazing woman deserves is to have a good birthday.

I'm also really looking forward to the 125th Anniversary Ball on Friday.  Amy's gonna be my date and after I get out of a required-by-my-English-professor viewing of Twelfth Night, she's gonna come over and help me get ready.  I'll be sure to take some pics so y'all can see my amazing dress.  It's gonna be great to have a night to get all dressed up and pretty and go to my first "adult" black-tie event.

Maybe if I close my eyes and just wish really hard, I'll open my eyes and it'll suddenly be Friday night and I won't have to worry about this paper anymore. ;)

Better

Okay, I'm less freaked out tonight.

I've read through all of my research and gotten rid of the pieces that won't help me or aren't on the story I'm writing about.  As I read through the research, I saw ideas that ran throughout them and connected them.  And you know what?

Voila.  An idea was born.

I've got a general idea of my outline already.  I can write it all down and get it worked out within the next hour or so and still get to bed at a reasonable hour.  So yay for that!

Thank you, sweet Father. I prayed, and You came to my rescue.

And you know what?  As much as I freaked out yesterday (and the day before), I always knew it'd get done.  I always manage to figure it out.  I'm just too big of a nerd to be apathetic.  Haha!

And the jerk who made me cry last week apologized, which was shocking. (seriously!)

And I got a new antibiotic tonight, so maybe I'll finally start feeling better soon.  I have to because the big 125th Anniversary Ball is coming up on Friday! :)

Good day.  Good, good night. 

Lesson learned.

Right now, I'm imagining God kicked back in a recliner, his feet up on an ottoman, with a humongous bowl of popcorn, laughing like a hyena as he watches a movie titled Mallory Learns Her Lesson about Procrastination.  Can't you just see it?  Because I totally can.

The lesson here, ladies and gents (though I doubt any man reads this blog)?  I was not made to procrastinate this severely.  Monday is already pretty much over.  I have until 3:00 Friday, which from now is less than 87 hours from now, to plan, formulate, and write an at least 7 page research paper, and almost 13 of those hours will be spent in class.

STUPID STUPID ME.

I feel like my heart is in my stomach.  I feel like I could burst into tears.  I wish I could smack myself. 

I'm too much of a nerd to do this! Why did I do this to myself? 

It's still possible to do it all and still, ya know, sleep, but it's scaring me majorly.

Pray for me.  Pray for peace.  Pray for knowledge.  Pray for focus.  Pray for the words to come easily.  But please especially pray for peace.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: I finally went to the infirmary today, and found out I have an upper respiratory infection that I wasn't aware I had because I cannot hear or feel the chest congestion the doc says he can hear in my lungs.  So no wonder I've been feeling like crap for a week and a half.  Well, it's nice to have answers, I suppose.  Hopefully the antibiotic that I have to go back to the infirmary tomorrow to get the prescription for, because the prescription he wrote today was for a medicine is no longer sold or something, will do the trick.

Hey God, enjoy the show? ;)

Karma, is that you?

Well, first off, on the upside, the research didn't take me all day.

The bad news, though, is that it didn't take me all day because there were so few resources to even look at.

Deep breaths.

To start off what felt like a day full of karma punishing me for procrastinating (and I do mean that as a joke, take note), after I got up this morning, ate lunch, took a shower, shaved, and plucked my eyebrows, I sat down at my computer ready to focus on this paper.

Only to find that the library website wouldn't even open.  Yep.  And when I called the library to ask if they knew what was up, the lady who answered the phone was absolutely zero help.  She said they might be working down there at the library, so I sighed, got up and dressed, and headed down there.

And then I found out she was wrong.  The library homepage wouldn't even open up down there.  I was so freaked I almost started crying.  Oh, I of little faith...Thankfully, a guy who works there that I knew was good with computers was able to help me, and he basically showed me a backdoor way to get to the databases.  Which was awesome, because that was the only way I was allowed to do the research.

I spent two and a half hours going through literally every. possible. database. Campbell has access to and I could only find six articles to use.  SIX.  And that just freaked me out.  Praise the Lord for the fact that the required minimum number of sources for the paper is five, but still.  My mind was just racing worrying about how six articles were going to get me a 7-9 page research paper.  So for now, I'm just focusing on making it to seven pages.

Ugh, this is what I get for procrastinating, and what's even worse is that as soon as I get done with this work this week, I get to start freaking out about my Scope & Methods project that I have also, surprise surprise, procrastinated on.

One day at a time, Mal.  One day at a time.  The writing is the easier part.  You don't have a lot of during-the-week homework, so you'll have plenty of time to organize and write this by Friday.  You can do it.

I have to focus on the positives, think positively, or I'll go into freakout mode and probably cry, and I've cried enough in the past week.

And yes, I do sometimes talk to myself.  But I promise I'm not crazy.  At least not that kind of crazy. ;)

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  I really do love my classes.  Plus, I'm curious to know what Dr. Mero wants to talk to me about.

I'm going to watch Glee to end the night on a happy note and go to bed.

Oh, another happy note: I checked my midterm grades, and I have an A in everything but English! I'm amazed I have an A in Scope & Methods!  See, this is why I don't care if I bug people by participating a lot in class - it helps my grade! :)  Okay, good night.

This was too funny not to post.

Oh, the things I find through Facebook...Which one are you?

According to the results I just got on the test, I am an ISFJ, but I relate to a LOT of these! :)

If I didn't think it was corny, I'd pat myself on the back.

I had a muy productive day.

I only have one more thing on my to-do list for today, and it's just a one-page thing that won't take very long.  Yay me! Haha.

Tomorrow is going to be solely focused on my research for my research paper.  That will not be fun in the least, but it has to be done and I really can't procrastinate anymore.  But that's why I'm getting/I've gotten everything else done today because I know that that will take pretty much all day tomorrow.

State didn't play today.  It was weird.  But it was probably a good thing.  Focus and whatnot.  Though I think the lack of football was probably negated by the fact that I had an NCIS marathon on for most of the day.

I still feel like crap.  Mom called me earlier to see how I was doing and I told her, so she told me I needed to go to the infirmary on Monday.  Though frankly, I don't know that they'll be much help because every other time I've gone there, well, they've sucked.  But we'll see.  I just want this headache/nausea/lightheadedness to go away.  A week is long enough, don't you think?

Anyway, just as I predicted, today was boring.  I'm going to get this last thing done, eat something, and go to bed.

Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

Okay, I won't continue.  But you really have to admit, it's catchy, even in all of its annoyingness.

Hooray Friday.  Fridays are awesome.  On Fridays, I only have two classes and I'm free at 11:50.  And thank you Jesus for that considering I barely made it through that.

I headed to lunch at the dining hall after I got out of my 11:00 class, and I barely made it there before I had to have a worker help get me lunch because my blood sugar dropped so low I almost fell out on the tile floor.  So that was sweet of her.  I love this school. :)

My big exciting Friday evening has consisted of a nap because whatever has been plaguing me for the past week just won't give. it. up., tuna for dinner, and lots and lots and LOTS of homework. 

Which is pretty much what Saturday is going to consist of, save for a change in meal ideas and probably no nap considering I won't have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow. ;)

All I know is I've GOT to focus.  This is a list that has to be completed, and it's probably going to take me every possible second this weekend.  Here we go.

One last question, though.

That song is still in your head, isn't it? 

Hehehe. ;)

I will be the first to admit it.

I AM SENSITIVE.

I do not have a thick skin.  Most bullying victims don't.  I can not handle people making fun of me well, and I get upset when people publicly point out my flaws.

But you know, who made the rule that being sensitive was some punishable offense?

Rememer a few weeks ago when I mentioned that a guy went off on me in the middle of class and my professor had to talk to him because the cruel things he said really upset me?  Yeah, well, a different guy, unsurprisingly a guy who sits right behind him, for some reason decided to raise his hand in the middle of class, after I said something and then the professor said something, to basically tell me in front of everyone that I needed to keep my mouth shut because he was tired of listening to me.

Yeah.  Not even kidding.  Thank God for Dr. Mero who stuck up for me as much as he possibly could.  I stuck around long enough to hear him tell this guy that in his class, he wasn't just going to talk at people for 80 minutes, he wanted people to talk, and if he didn't like that then he could go get a withdrawal form.  But then, despite all my fighting, I couldn't get my tears under control, so the girl who sits next to me told me she'd email me the notes, and I just left.  I still feel terribly sick, and I just didn't have the energy to deal with it.

And that was when I felt God wrap his arms around me.

When I got to the door of my dorm, a girl was sitting on the back steps smoking, saw me trying to stop crying, and got up and comforted me and was just really sweet.  All I know is her name is Elizabeth (I'm pretty sure) and she lives on the third floor, and if I ever need a friend, to just go to her.  I've never met her before.

About fifteen minutes later, I got a knock on my door and it was two girls from class who came by to make sure I was okay.  They told me that I wasn't alone, that a good portion of the class was upset at what the guy said and thought he was out of line, let me know that Dr. Mero held the kid after class, and just made me feel better about myself and got me out of the "blaming myself" mentality that I frustratingly naturally get into because of my past.

Then I checked my school email and had an email from a girl who told me what I missed at the end of class and told me she was sorry for what that guy did and that he was out of line.

Then another girl from class came by and talked to me.  She basically told me what the other girls had, and said that after Dr. Mero dismissed, a bunch of the girls talked to each other about how "unbelievable" the guy's actions were.  Which helped me not to feel alone, like I felt in the moment.

Then I had dinner with Amy and Elizabeth and they reminded me again that I am a good person.

That's five separate instances within three and a half hours of God making something that I struggle with every single day crystal clear:

He's got this.  He's got me.

*Edited to add at 10:26 pm:* And I just got the kindest email from Dr. Mero. Instance number six.

I never knew a virus could suck so badly.

The head pain, nausea, and lightheadedness was so bad today, I seriously almost went to the hospital.  The only time I've ever felt the way I did/do today is when I had staph meningitis in 2009, so I was admittedly a bit freaked.

I texted my mom to get her to call me because I didn't want to end up going to the hospital for it to be nothing.  When she finally called me back, I told her what was going on, and she told me that she has the exact same symptoms.

Weird, huh?

Considering the chances of us both getting meningitis at the same time would be astronomical, I immediately calmed down.  She said she'd been on antibiotics but they hadn't done anything, which pretty much means it's a virus.

I've never had a virus this aggravating.  Aside from the constant nausea, lightheaded feeling, and head that pounds any time I stand up and walk, I feel fine.

Ugh, oh well, it will pass soon enough. 

Also, thank you Jesus for my English teacher extending the deadline on our rough drafts!  My procrastination has gotten the better of me lately, and now I am not freaked out about getting it done.  That's a huge gift.

Okay, I've already stayed up way too late.  I must go!

I'm baaaaack!

I actually got my computer back yesterday, but I was feeling super sick and ended up going to bed at 7:30.

Not even kidding.

I still didn't feel great today.  Luckily, French was cancelled, but I skipped Music and made it to State & Local and my meeting and concert tonight.

I can't believe it's already 11:00.  I'm going to bed now.  I've had a headache for 3 days now and have been feeling lightheaded and nauseous. 

But I can't miss class tomorrow, so I have to suck it up.

Over the next few days, I'll be going back and posting for all the days I missed.  I apologize if it blows up your dashboard, but I'm doing it for me. :)  This blog is kind of my journal/diary/whatever, so I don't want to break the streak.  Plus, I have some fun stuff to post that really SHOULD be remembered.

Love you guys.  Thanks for still caring about me.

Must. sleep.

(posted after the fact due to computer disaster)
Today was pretty lovely.  Aside from the fact that I feel like absolute crap.

I got permission from Faithe Beam yesterday to come to CUW today because Monday CUW is only for freshmen and The Vespers were playing again.  :)  Absolutely awesome, surprise surprise.  Then, after my 11:00 class, I went to the dining hall and had lunch with them before they left.  To be 100% honest, I missed them as soon as they pulled out.  They're that special. :)
Also really super incredibly totally fantastic??  I got my computer back!!!  And it's okay!!!!!!!!!!!  Aside from a few files being deleted that I could either reload or didn't really need, it's like this thing never even happened! I AM SO RELIEVED.
For the first time in a long time, I'm not staying awake for my weekly TV shows.  I think I'm just going to climb in bed here shortly.  I need my sleep.  And whatever is going on with my body is taking a toll.  So...peace out.

Free Entertainment

(posted after the fact due to computer disaster)

Thanks to my digital camera and Youtube.  The Vespers: "Railroad Boy" is from Sunday night, all the others are from this morning at CUW. Some I've posted on here before (like "Railroad Boy", but it sounds different than last time), some are new (I'd never heard "Lordy" before yesterday!)















I saved "Lordy" for last because it's my favorite.  I never thought a song could replace "Railroad Boy" in my heart! :)  Check them out if you haven't.  I know I'm persistent, but they really are spectacular.

I am lucky.

(posted after the fact due to computer disaster)

Lucky to go to this school.

Lucky to have the opportunities I do because I go to this school.

Lucky to have friends like Taylor, Callie, Bruno, and Phoebe who teach me new things about myself, life and God with every conversation.

Tonight was beautiful.

I got a tweet from Taylor (thank you Jesus for phone alerts) about 4:00 letting me know they were here and headed to the dining hall, so I grabbed my stuff and headed down to Marshbanks.  Faithe Beam (the campus minister, and I still can't figure out why someone who came from such a religious family has parents who spelled faith unusually) came with them because she was paying for them to get dinner, and out of the blue, as I reached in my purse to grab my ID card (that is swiped as part of my meal plan) and she said, "Oh go on, Mallory, I'm paying for you."  No one would get that kind of treatment at a big public school.  :)

We spent all of dinner talking and catching up, and then went back to D. Rich to hang out till 6:00 when the show was scheduled to start.  D. Rich is one of the classroom buildings in the center of campus that also has a huge auditorium.  The boys were watching football (I think it's awesome that they have a TV hooked up in their van!), and Callie and I were hanging out in the "seminar room" with Bruno's computer.  She was checking Facebook and emails and stuff online because apparently she doesn't have her computer, and we talked about a million things.

But the most meaningful part of the whole conversation was when we started talking about things we had learned from each other.  I told her about how much of a good lesson she and the others had been for me, and how they'd helped show me how to live rooted in the Truth and unashamed of who I am.  How I don't have any strong Christians in my family, and to have not only people I know in person, but people who are from my generation is such a special thing for me to have.  How, even though I know they're still sinners like me, I have learned so much from them that I could never repay them for.

And then, she told me what they've learned from me.  How I've inspired them to find the joy in life even when they're frustrated because I find the joy in life.  How Bruno was practically speechless the day they left back in February because of what I'd told him.  How humbled he was, and how humbled they were when he told them about it.  How grateful they are to have met and know me. 

I was blown away.  It was just another instance of God granting my prayer to understand the reason He's given me the testimony I have.  Again, lucky.

And then, they played for almost an hour and a half.  A few songs I'd never heard live before.  (The next post is gonna be a bunch of videos I took. For your enjoyment.)  And it was just as spectacular as every other time I've heard them.

The last surprise of the night?  We were hanging out in the front hallway of the building where they were meeting all the people who came.  They are so sweet with all of their fans.  Even Taylor, who was visibly exhausted, still answered all the questions and signed all the stuff and took all the pictures he was asked.  I even made sure to get a picture with them.  How could I not? :)

I didn't realize how blonde my hair still is till I looked at this picture!

Then, after most of the people had left, I was looking at their merch table, and I saw they had two new t-shirt designs.  Bruno was standing next to me and asked me which one I liked, and I pointed to one with a cream background and blue writing.  He said "What size? They're a men's cut" just as I added, "But I don't have any money."  He looked over at me, grinned, and said, "You don't need any money."  I was unsure, but he asked me again emphatically, "What size?"  I finally answered him, and said I felt kind of bad taking something for free when performing and selling merch is their only income, and he told me, "You're kind of our most dedicated fan.  I want to do this.  Take it."  So once again, Bruno gave me something free, just because he's that nice.  And when Phoebe saw it, she assured me they all were fine with it, that Bruno never would've done it if he thought any of the others would have a problem with it, and that I deserve it.

Nicest. people. in. the. world.

I'm so lucky to know them.

I bleed red and white.

(posted after the fact due to computer disaster)

We won!!!! WE WON!!!!! 38-24!

The game was amazing.  I don't know if the Central Michigan quarterback was just tired or what, but the poor old sap threw FOUR interceptions!  That coupled with the fact that someone clearly lit a fire under our defense's butts, and it was like I was watching an entirely new team out there on the field.

We spent way too much money there.  A) Mom felt the need to buy me a new State shirt and Blake some State stuff and her a new State shirt and B) sports stadiums are almost as overpriced as movie theatres, it was sweltering hot outside and Mom told me to wear jeans.  She's too good to me sometimes.

Then we went to Ruby Tuesday's and ate some real food (as in not complete crap) and saw Holly because she was bartending tonight.  We ate and sort of talked to her as she ran around like a chicken with her head cut off, but it was nice to see her in action.  I got these quesadillas that I've had a bunch of times at the RT in Jacksonville and love, so I was jumping at the chance to eat them again, but they were way spicier here!  I ate two but had to stop because I was literally sweating.  And I love spicy food!  Mom probably would've cried if she'd eaten them.  Oh well, it wasn't a waste - Holly said she'd eat the other two. :)

Good, good day.  And tomorrow is going to be better!

Success

Quick blood draw.

Good news from my gynecologist.

Quick appointment at the orthodontist.

All successes.

You know what's better, though?

My mother surprising me today with tickets to tomorrow's NC State football game. :D  There is nothing like being in a packed football stadium listening to thousands upon thousands of people screaming around you.  Not to mention, Carter-Finley Stadium was apparently my dad's most favorite place on the planet, so it's very special to me for that reason, too.

GO PACK!

What a journey.

Starting with an AWESOME appointment at Duke

a bypass through good food

a quick stop at picking up Chelsea's gorgeous wedding dress and the MOST AWESOME BRIDESMAID DRESS EVER

and finally reaching the destination of sitting on my mom's bed snuggled up with my crazy, wild, cuter-than-words Blake man.

I call that a good one. :) 

I'm glad to be home, even if it's for 36 hours.

On to tomorrow!